Txt me back. Last night we
did something we shouldn't
have after you dropped us
off
12:03 PM Sat, June 4
From: Santana L.
You're not in jail, are you?
12:06 PM Sat, June 4
To: Santana L.
You think they let you text
from jail? Bitch please.
12:07 PM Sat, June 4
From: Santana L.
Ok. What did you do then?
Unless this is about sex, in
which case I don't want to
know.
12:10 PM Sat, June 4
To: Santana L.
No… Well, maybe. Just
bring two sets of clothes
with you. We're hiding in
the bathroom at Lima
Parks and Rec.
12:11 PM Sat, June4
From: Santana L.
And hurry up because being
barefoot in here's so trashy.
12:11 PM Sat, June 4
From: Santana L.
And being naked isn't trashy?
How bad is this situation?
12:13 PM Sat, June 4
To: Santana L.
You ever see either of the
Hangovers?
12:16 PM Sat, June 4
From: Santana L.
Oh my god. Vegas or Thailand?
12:18 PM Sat, June 4
To: Santana L.
Thailand… definitely Thailand
12:19 PM Sat, June 4
From: Santana L.
Right well try not to steal
any tigers before I get there
12:20 PM Sat, June 4
To: Santana L.
U dumb shit. That was Vegas.
And where the fuck would we
find a tiger in Lima
12:23 PM Sat, June 4
From: Santana L.
"How much trouble could two seventeen year old girls get into in Lima?" Sam wonders, then is reminded that his boss and her best friend are nothing like the other girls in this town.
There's some mom shooting him dirty looks as he slips inside the ladies' room at the park. This is the third restroom he's tried. Three's the magic number though, and there are two sets of bare feet visible from under the handicap stall.
"Guys? I brought some clothes. They're just my sweats and some t-shirts. Mom looked at me real funny and asked if I was running away, but they're clean so I figure you don't have to wear them longer than…"
"Why do I have to wear the Star Wars shirt?" Santana complains.
"It's not like I know what my shirt is supposed to mean either, but it has a chicken on it so I wanna wear it," Brittany replies.
"That's actually from Robot -" Sam begins, but is interrupted by loudmouth.
"Don't care. We're still barefoot."
Sam refuses to go get shoes for them, but they finally come out with armfuls of Christmas decorations. Brittany's sunburned from passing out naked and is wearing candy cane earrings that she most certainly wasn't wearing last night.
"I hope you brought some aspirin too," Santana moans, "Brittany doesn't have any in her purse."
"Hey! I had to make room for all your stuff," Brittany pouts, "You're the one that insisted we travel light."
"My stuff? Oh you mean my weed."
"Jesus, Santana!" Sam hisses, "There are other people around! That one lady already thinks I'm a perv for meeting you in the bathroom."
Santana ignores him, "Wait, check and make sure it's still in there. I have a terrible feeling it's not."
"Umm…"
"Brittany, where is it?"
"It's still in the golf cart and I think we lost that."
Oh great. Sam Evans: Weed Finder Extraordinaire. That won't be going on his resume.
"Damn it smells in here. Must be those ten bean burritos you ate the other night."
Sam ignores her, "So what happened after I dropped y'all off? I figured both of you went to bed."
"Never underestimate my stamina, Sammy," Santana drawls, "And honestly that is so not our style. Besides, when we got back my deadbeat mother was still awake so we snuck into my dead neighbor's house and stole even more decorations from her collection. Turn right here! Turn right… Sam you fucking missed the turn. Now we're going to have to find somewhere to turn around. All the while my weed is just basking in that damn golf cart for the whole freaking cow pasture to see!"
"Okay. For one thing, I didn't even know that you smoked pot. Second of all, how did you get a golf cart? Third, why did you just abandon it in this field?"
"You know what? I do smoke occasionally… I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone as fabulous as me in a town this small with nothing else to do who doesn't smoke from time to time. Just saying. Plus, you know, it started out we were just gonna cover Jacob's house in all this Christmas crap – sorry Brittany, I mean Christmas décor- and then somehow from there all this other stuff happened that I don't entirely remember."
Brittany agrees, "Yeah Sam. So now we have to fill in the blanks. And not like in a cool Mad-Libs kind of way."
"Yeah… Well, here we are. And there's your weed. Good thing the cows didn't eat it all," Sam grins.
"If they did, that would be some weird tasting milk," Brittany giggles, "I don't remember where we got this thing from, but I think I know why we left it out here. No more gas."
"I can't believe it even made it this far outside the city limits especially when the road becomes gravel," Sam says.
"Brittany, stash it," Santana whispers, "Farmer Ted at two o'clock."
Sam whips his head around to see a man in overalls heading towards them. He's toting a shotgun over his shoulder, but doesn't seem very menacing otherwise.
Sam turns back to the girls to shout for them to run, but they're long gone. They made a break for the car as soon as they saw this mystery man make his way over. Unfortunately for them, Sam has the keys.
"Hold it right there, son."
Not this again. Sam's frightened to speak for the second time in less than twenty four hours.
"Now your little friends over there were disrupting my cows last night. They chased them around in that golf cart until it stopped running. Then when I came outside to see what all the commotion was about, I discovered their naked selves laughing about nothing. When I tried to talk to them they ran away. I would've chased after them, but I didn't want people getting the wrong idea, an old man like me running after two girls."
"Um," Sam stammers, "How about you just keep that golf cart and we'll pretend nothing ever happened."
Sam doesn't even care that it's not his to give away. He just doesn't want that gun pointed anywhere near him.
"Fine by me. You seem like a good kid. You might want to consider some new friends."
"Thank you, sir. I'll do that."
"One more thing. They kept yelling something about a puck."
Sam nods then waves goodbye before walking back to the car. This wild goose chase is getting old fast. They have what they came for so hopefully they won't have to swing by Puck's. It's exhausting being Santana's friend or employee or bitch or whatever he is to her.
"We have to go by Puck's," Santana insists, "Especially because I have to find that outfit I was wearing last night. I looked smokin' hot."
"What?" She asks when Sam gives her an incredulous look, "My clothes are floating around Lima somewhere and I swear I will find them. Today. So just click the little unlock button and let's be on our way."
"Yeah, some heroes y'all are," Sam mumbles, "Running away like that."
"We were just following the motto. When in doubt, pussy out," Brittany chimes in.
"Something tells me that's your motto for more than one thing."
Thankfully Puck isn't home when the trio arrives at his house. They're about to leave when Brittany spots a pair of panties on the roof. She sneaks in the back gate and the next thing Sam knows, she's climbed up there to get the misplaced underwear. She's carrying all of Santana's clothing from the previous evening when she gets back.
"Hey guess what! I remembered what happened. We wanted to mess with Puck's head so we were about to sneak into his bedroom window and then Santana took all her clothes off and I think I was already naked. Then we crawled in his room and convinced him that he was dreaming and made out. Maybe we also stole his weed. I dunno."
Sam frowns, "You're telling me that Puck had two hot girls in his room and didn't pinch himself to see if he was dreaming? You're kidding me."
"Oh please," Santana says as she files her nails, "Puck is super easy to fool. Once, I made a bet with him that I could go a whole week without showering and that no one would notice. I totally won since that dumbass didn't say anything about not bathing."
"You're like a Transformer, you know that, right?" Sam asks Santana.
"She's a robot in disguise?" Brittany inquires.
"No," Sam replies, "There's more than meets the eye."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," Santana laughs, "And I only saw that movie for Megan Fox."
Sam grins, "Touche. And we should totally go watch it except we still need to find Brittany's clothes."
Brittany sighs, "Like I said. I never streak through the courthouse parking lot during the day."
Later that evening, as the closing credits for Revenge of the Fallen scroll across the screen, Sam glances at Brittany and Santana huddled together on the couch. So maybe their drunken adventure wasn't nearly as crazy as they made it out to be and he never did find out where the golf cart came from, but he's glad they're safe and now he even has something in common with Santana. Summer's finally starting to look up.
"By the way, both of you are invited to Casa de Lopez tomorrow night for family dinner."
Shit. This has disaster written all over it.