Chaos. Utter chaos. It's the only word Sam can use to describe dinner.
It all starts when he makes his way into the kitchen and Santana lunges at him with a knife. Her explanation is something along the lines of, "Thought you were my mom."
Brittany, on the other hand, shoots him an apologetic look, but she has her own problem at the moment. Gum is stuck in her hair- along with a fork.
"Oh Brit-Brit," Santana murmurs while stroking the girl's blonde mane, taking care to avoid the fork, "why didn't you just use peanut butter?"
"Ariel does this all the time in The Little Mermaid. It should work," Brittany pouts.
"How did you get gum in there anyway?" Sam inquires.
"Don't you have some burglar traps to set, Kevin McCallister? No seriously, if you pretend to scream and put your hands on your face, you're a dead ringer for him. The resemblance is frightening. I got it, okay? Go seduce my mother or something while I take care of this," Santana snaps.
He wants to ask why it matters if her mom knows or not, but knows better than to question it. Sam hightails it into the dining room where her parents are waiting. They're startled by his abrupt appearance. He knows he has to stall, but no words are coming out of his mouth. If anything does come out, it might be vomit so he chooses to keep quiet.
"There you are, Sam. Come, have a seat on the end here. The girls might throw a fit if they can't sit next to each other. Separation anxiety, you know. Are you feeling alright? You look a little flushed," Dr. Lopez asks.
Adriana eyes Sam suspiciously, "Where are the girls anyway? They should be down here by now. They finally stopped playing that dreadful music once I knocked on the door. My headache still hasn't gone away."
"Uh," Sam sputters, "Brittany got distracted and I had to chase her?"
His answer seems to pacify both of them for the moment and when Santana emerges from the kitchen followed by a greasy-haired Brittany, Sam lets out a sigh of relief. A thin layer of sweat formed on his forehead and he tries to subtly wipe it off.
"Are you kissing your own armpit?" Brittany asks, "Because that makes me really horn-"
Thankfully Dr. Lopez interrupts her, "Sam, mind saying the blessing?"
He can't refuse, but he still can't seem to find his voice, either.
"Hey God," he chokes out, "Please bless this food and the hands that prepared it- the Chinese ones. Thank you for being God and for all the lessons you teach us about life and love. Your book is way better than movies. Also, I want to thank you for everyone here at this table, especially Santana who is really great friend. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Lima, I will fear no evil excluding Ms. Sylvester. Amen."
"That was very nice, Sam. Thank you," Adriana says before addressing Santana, "So dear, how was your little outing today?"
Santana blushes at her mother's choice of words, but neither of her parents notice.
"It's not really my style. I took a thirty minute shower just to get the golf course smell out of my hair. Other than that, I had fun. Dad let me drive the golf cart around while he drank a few beers. I caught some air when I took it over this one hill; he spilled Corona all over his lap."
"And you wonder why your license was taken away," Adriana replies dryly.
"Come on, Tana, we both know you drank more than me," Dr. Lopez jokes. It's as if he can sense an argument on the horizon, but even after years of experience he still manages to say the wrong thing. Every. Single. Time.
"You let her drink and drive? Did you forget what happened in Florida? There was a warrant out for her arrest for that exact thing! And when we got back, everyone at work already knew because she posted it as her Bookface status!"
Sam's jaw drops, but Santana never goes down without a fight.
"Oh boo freaking hoo, Mother. This ain't the Real Housewives of Allen County. Nobody gives a damn about that. Dad's lawyer took care of it. Besides, I wasn't drunk that night. I was high."
Sam looks around the table. Dr. Lopez has his fingers in his ears, pretending like he didn't just hear Santana's confession. Adriana is absolutely stunned and Brittany's eyes are glued to her plate. Then Sam starts to laugh like he's never laughed before. He's not even sure why. Soon enough, Brittany joins in and even Santana giggles. Dr. Lopez miserably fails to stifle his laughter. Reluctantly, Adriana smiles. All tension goes out the window.
Dr. Lopez changes the subject by talking about work.
"So she's deaf in one ear now all because that guy rammed his penis into the side of her head?" Sam questions in disbelief.
"That's definitely the best story you've told in a while. Tell one about brains next!" Brittany squeals in delight.
"I really don't know why you encourage this, Roberto," Adriana huffs, "The novelty still hasn't worn off after all these years. I think Sam will agree with me when I say no more hospital tales, dear."
"Yeah, I'd rather hear embarrassing moments from Santana's childhood instead," Sam agrees.
Adriana lights up at the mention, "You know, I wanted to name her Jennifer instead, but her father wouldn't let me."
"I never would've lived that one down, Mom. Jennifer Lopez, really? Really?"
"Besides, Brittany and Jennifer: best friends forever doesn't have the same ring," Brittany chimes in.
"Why don't you ask Sam about his childhood instead?" Santana fumes, "He was probably a champion at bobbing for apples or perhaps his lips got stuck in a vacuum cleaner. I can imagine his favorite game was Chubby Bunny. Maybe he holds the camp record for the number of marshmallows he can fit in his mouth."
"I was born and raised in Tennessee," Sam offers, "I moved here with my family at the start of the year."
"That's nice, dear," Adriana responds, but Sam can tell she's not listening. She's texting under the table.
He continues, "I think I'll probably go to college in-state. Study business or something, then I'll move to Pandora and speak Na'vi for the rest of my life, but not before I meet up with Optimus Prime and Yoda for drinks at Moe's Tavern. I might take your daughter with me if she still hasn't gotten her driver's license back. She can help me look for Unobtainium since the Force is strong with her. Brittany can come too, since we need an expert on wildlife. Polygamy is totally acceptable in their culture so that's definitely an option. There are no breadsticks on Pandora, however, so I'd hire somebody to bring crates of them from Earth. I hear Harry, Ron, and Hermione already have a place up there so maybe we'll be neighbors."
She's still not paying attention.
Santana, however, is ready to lay down the law, "Listen Avatard, I have my own ambitions. I refuse to follow in my mother's footsteps because she went to college to get her MRS. She snagged my dad right when he got out of med school. I am going to be the world's most kickass motivational speaker. My first seminar is called Santana's Twelve Step Program for Curing Vest Addictions. Dad, you're invited. Mr. Schue already has a front row seat, even though he's not aware yet. Other possible topics include: The Art of Razorblading and How to Remove Them from Weaves, Distinguishing People from Furniture, I Can Voodoo and So Can You, and Stop the Violence Or I'll Beat Your Ass."
"I don't want to have little blue babies, so I'm also going to pass, Sam. I wouldn't want them to be mistaken for Smurfs. Besides, I got probed once and I'm not really into aliens like I used to be. Not to mention, cats are sworn enemies of Pandorans. Sorry," Brittany says.
Dr. Lopez simply sits back and watches the three teens. Sam somehow managed to integrate himself into the Terrible Twosome. When it's time to leave, Sam thanks Dr. and Mrs. Lopez for the lovely evening before saying goodbye to Santana.
"So that's your family huh?"
"Yep," Santana replies, "My mom's quite the charmer. Dad is just Dad. He's the best."
"You're not going to get in trouble, are you? For you know, admitting you smoke."
"Daddy already took my t-bird away, but I'm still having fun, fun, fun. He won't punish me. Besides we live by the rule that if you ignore something long enough, it'll go away. The same is true about my shoplifting, my dad's online poker addiction, and my mom's cheating. We're pretty fucked up."
Well, those are some new developments. Damn. But he's confident she will tell him all about it when she's ready.
"Look on the bright side," Sam shrugs, "if you tell them about your true feelings then maybe they'll accept it like they do all those other things."
"Yeah, except I didn't say accept. I said ignore. And that's something my mother won't let slide. Hypothetically, I'll be just as homeless as you if she has her say in the matter."
"You always have somewhere you can go, Santana. I had a really great time tonight."
"Strangely, I'm glad you came. To be honest, I didn't think you were going to. I heard you called around asking everybody. Hey no shame, it's funny. But if you thought this was nuts, just wait until we play trivia with the Pierces."
"I look forward to it."
Then the oddest thing happens. Santana hugs him.