Chapter 2

Have you ever felt so left out you just wanted to break and run away? You feel like everyone around you is hiding something from you and no one talks to you anymore?

It's been months now since I've lost my memory and at this point Emma, Niall and Nathan were leaving me out of a lot of stuff. They say it's because things are hard to explain and because of my memory it would be either really hard to understand or too overwhelming for me to take in, but I knew it was more than that. Nathan told me once that he'd tell me anything I wanted to know, no matter how much trouble it would get him in. I told him that I wouldn't take advantage of it, but I really wanted to know.

It was just the 2 of us again in the apartment, and I knew that it was now or never.
"Hey Nath, I said walking out to the living room where he was on his laptop.
"Hey," he said. "Is something the matter?"
I hesitated for a few minutes before I said what I wanted to say. "What are the things you guys not telling me?"
"We aren't hiding anything from you," he said defensively as he shut his laptop.
"Just yesterday you and Emma wouldn't tell me what happened on the day of the accident because it would be "too overwhelming" for me!" I quoted them.
"Alright," he sighed. "We've told you before that some stuff would be hard for you to understand and all... but I'll see what I can tell you. What do you wanna know?"
"Why does Niall seem so heartbroken whenever it's just me and him? You've known him as long as I would've, you should know why."
Nathan pondered for a while and said "I can't tell you about that."
"Why not?" I asked. I just genuinely wanted to know what was bothering someone who I considered my best friend.
"Because... that's one of the things we swore we wouldn't tell you."
"Fine. Either you tell me about Niall, or you tell me about what happened the day of the accident."
"I can't!"
"Please!" I pleaded. By this point, I felt bad for what I was doing. But I was close to getting what I wanted... Or, at least I got something from him in the end.
"Why is it so important for you to know?" He asked.
"I just... I hate that feeling I keep getting; that left out feeling because every time I ask about something, you 3 tell me you can't tell me and then just keep to yourselves. It hurts, Nath. So please, I just really want to know."
"You have no idea how much it pains me to see you hurt," he sighed. He looked at me as if he was finally going to tell me what I wanted to know. But that's not exactly how it went down. Speaking of down, he was looking down into my eyes and leaned in to kiss me.

It was awkward between me and Nathan for the rest of the day. Even more awkward when Emma sent us to get dinner together.
"So what do you want for dinner?" He asked as he drove.
"I'm fine with anything," I mumbled looking out the window, with my feet up on the dashboard.
"I'm sorry about earlier..." He said.
"You don't have to apologize. If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I was forcing it out of you, even after I promised I wouldn't take advantage of you doing anything for me," I said.
"And well.. if you must know.. the night of the accident. Niall and I had an argument and I went to the bar nearby, the one we always go to. You got a call from Al, the manager of the bar, that I came in angry and he didn't think I should be drinking. You came to pick me up cuz you felt guilty that you were the one who started our argument when you weren't. But when you did, I was in a fist fight with the guy who later chrashed his motorcycle into your car which caused the accident," Nathan explained, during which I got my feet off the dashboard and looked at him as he told the story.
"Wow," was really all I could say. What? I was expecting he'd actually tell me.
"Told'ya I'd always tell you," he winked.
"I am sorry though, that I seemed really... pushy about the whole thing.."
"I'm sorry I kissed you... and that you feel so left out. I promise, I'll tell Emma and Niall this too, we won't talk about anything we can't tell you when you're around so you won't know about- am I making sense?" He asked as he pulled over in front of what was apparently all of our favorite Chinese restaurant.
"Not really, but I get what you're trying to say," I laughed as I unbuckled my seat belt.
"And," I said as we walked into the restaurant. "Can we not tell anyone about the kiss?"
"What kiss?" Nathan smirked.

It was a Wednesday afternoon and I was alone in the apartment. Emma, Niall and Nathan had all gone to work. I was apparently on paid leave until I had memory of it so I could do my job right. I got bored so I decided to clean up a bit. I know, me, Kylie Gomez, actually cleaning up? Hah! I had done some laundry and was putting it up in each of our wardrobes.
I was done with my room and Emma's, and had moved on to Niall's. It was in a huge mess, but I can't say that I was surprised. I set down the laundry basket with clean clothes on the floor and opened the door of his wardrobe. I wasn't surprised by the mess, but I was surprised when I saw photos of us together pinned up in his wardrobe.
"I'm Niall's girlfriend?" I asked myself. "No, no,no," I chuckled. "It can't be. Oh come on, Kylie. Can't a friend have photos of him with his friend in their wardrobe like you would have in your school locker? Holy shit, stop talking to yourself, Kylie!"

"Hey Nath," I said after I heard music being played and a beautiful voice singing from his room.
"You play piano too?" I asked when I noticed the keyboard he was playing which I hadn't noticed from when I put the laundry in his room.
"Yeah. We actually wrote a song together. Not sure if you remember it, though," he said as I pulled up another chair to sit next to him.
"I probably don't," I giggled as he started to play.
The first part of the song was just him playing the piano. "This is actually the part you sing so... yeah," he explained.

"We can stand so tall together.
We can make it through the stormy weather.
We can got through it all together,
Do it all together,
Do it all.

I'll be your strength,
I will, I will, I will.
I'll be your strength.
Yes I will, yes I will." He sang beautifully.

At some point, the song started to sound familiar. And I felt like I had to sing the words I knew.

"Hold on, hold on.
I'll be there soon.
So hold on, hold on.
I'll be there soon.
So hold on, hold on.
I'll be there soon.
So hold on, hold on.
I'll be there soon."

Nathan turned to me as I sang and stopped playing when I sang the last word. And then he cupped my cheeks with his warm hands and kissed me again.
"Another kiss we'll have to hide?" He smirked when we broke apart.
"Another?" Niall asked.
"Shit," Nathan and I murmured.
"Nath, what the hell is going on?"
"Mate, I can explain."
"You said you wouldn't do this. You said you'd let her on her own," Niall looked absolutely shattered. Again? I'm so not going to ask about this. And I didn't want to see my 2 best friends fighting.
"Niall, I swear, it was my fault!" I said.
"What?"
"I did it. I kissed him the first time and again this time. It was a one time thing the first time and this was just in the heat of the moment." I lied.
"In the heat of the moment?" Nathan asked.
"Yeah, it was," I said giving him to look for him to just play along.
"Niall, please. If you wanna be angry with someone, it's me you should be angry at," I said taking a step toward Niall who in the end ran off to his room.
"Ugh!" I said shutting the door and leaning against it.
"So that's it? We're just a one time thing?" Nathan asked.
"What?"
"You and me, you don't think there's anything special?"
"Nath, I don't know-""
"Kylie, please," he said walking toward me. He was a little taller than I was, so it seemed so perfect when he pressed his forehead against mine and his warm breath teased my lips. "Like the song, I'll hold on because I know you'll be here soon." He said and walked away from me.

Dinner that night was extremely awkward. The 3 of us had sworn we wouldn't tell Emma about it. I looked down at my food most of the time. The boys sat across Emma and I at the table, so looking at each other was inevitable. I would feel Niall staring at me while he ate, but when I looked up to him he'd just look away or get more food. Nathan wouldn't even look at me.
"Alright, what's going on here?" Emma asked. "Niall?" She asked when no one would answer her.
"Just tired from work. My boss has been such a pain in the ass lately," Niall mumbled.
"Kylie?"
"Just thinking whether I should drop by Addison's when I go to my parents' house tomorrow," I answered. Wasn't a complete lie, I was going to see my parents the next day.
"Nathan?"
"Mom's sick," he simply said.
"And how are 3 different stories a valid reason for the 3 of you to not talk to each other?" Emma interrogated. She was good at that; if she didn't believe what you were telling her, she'd interrogate you and if you don't give her an answer, she drops the topic, knowing you lied.

I left early the next morning, at around 7am, to drive down to my parents' house.
"Hey, I left earlier than expected. I'll call if I'm staying the night xx - Kylie" I wrote on a post-it which I stuck onto the key tray where everyone have to cross at some point.

"Kylieeee!" A familiar voice squealed when I walked.
"Hey Les!" I said hugging my favorite cousin, Leslie.
"How've you been?" She asked me as we walked into the house.
"Alright, I guess. Hey mom," I said hugging my mom. "Where's dad?"
"He's up in his office. He's got some last minute work to finish up."
"Do you think he'll mind if I go up there?"
"I don't see a problem with it. Just don't make too much of noise, I guess."
"Alright," I said putting my bag on the sofa and running up the stairs, 2 steps at a time to my dad's office.
"Mr Gomez, I've a package for you," I said.
"Kylie!" He said when I saw me.
"Hey daddy," I hugged him.
"Is something wrong?" As I sat one the chair across his table. I always told my dad everything. Even about dating. I was a daddy's girl, so he was always the one I went to for guidance.
"Well, it's Niall and Nathan..." I said. "Wait, mom said you've got work to do, you finish up and then I'll tell you."
"No, no, no. You can tell me know, I've just gotta email this to my assistant."
"Right.. I kissed Nathan a couple weeks ago," I started to explain. "We didn't tell anyone, we swore we wouldn't. Then yesterday I was hanging out with Nathan in his room as he played his piano and I apparently remembered how to sing a song that we had written together."
"And you 2 kissed again," my dad guessed.
"Yeah," I sighed. "Niall walked in on us." I said and my dad looked shocked. "He got all upset and I told him it was a one time thing and he just stormed off. Then Nath got upset that I didn't feel something special that I was supposed to. Said that, like in the song, he'll hold on because I'm almost there," I quoted Nathan.
"Kylie, I'd love to tell you what's going on but-"
"You're in on it too, huh?" I guessed.

"Do you feel anything though, for either of them?" Leslie asked after I told her in my bedroom what I had told my dad earlier.
"I dunno, Leslie... I feel like I should feel something, but I just don't," I shrugged.
"Well, you don't have to force yourself to feel something you don't. They probably didn't tell you this but they want you to feel whatever you wanna feel on your own, even if it'll be different from what you felt before." Leslie told me.
"I just feel so lost sometimes," I said as I lay down on my back.
"I guess that's the amnesia."
"Probably is," I sighed.

"So are you staying over tonight?" My mom asked at dinner.
"I guess so… some time away from the apartment would be nice," I said.
"Yeah, your father told me. Don't be scared, sweetie. I'm sure whatever choice you make, the boys will respect it."
"Ugh, I miss home made food," I said.
"Been eating nothing but take-out again?" Dad asked.
"Yeah. Emma and the boys take turns on picking up take out after work," I said as I ate.
"Niall still works for that jackass boss of his?" Leslie asked.
"I guess? He did say his boss was being a pain in the ass lately.. but, he could have been lying, we all said stuff to cover up for the silence between us 3." I explained.
"I think you should call the boys tonight, to apologize, make-up and stuff," Leslie suggested.
"I'd rather tell them in person instead," I said. "But I will call them later tonight."

"Hello?" I said when I called the apartment.
"Hey," Niall said gloomily.
"Niall, I honestly rather talk to you about last night when I get home," I sighed. "But for now, help me pass the message that I'll be staying here for tonight."
"I'll pass it on."
"Are you still not talking to Nath?"
"Didn't even realize he was here."
"Niall, don't be mad at him, okay?"
"I'll see you tomorrow," he said and hung up.
I ran my hand through my hair before getting ready for bed.

I felt like I was starting a war. Between 2 friends who were starting to mean a lot to me again. And this wasn't the first time it happened, apparently. The day of the accident I had caused a fight between Nathan and Niall, which is why Nathan left in the first place. Who knows what was happening this time that I wasn't around?

"Hey Nath. Just wondering how you're doing. I'm really sorry about last night. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I'll talk to you tomorrow when I get home. xxx"
"Hey Ky. I'm not doing anything stupid like getting drunk cuz of my fight with Niall like the last time.. we all know how that ended. And I'm sorry I seemed mad yesterday.. I guess I was just expecting a little too much. I'm sure you'll understand soon. Good night, have a good rest, you deserve a little time away from us dramatic people, hah. See you tomorrow, love xxx"
With that, I fell asleep on my old bed. It felt good to be in the bed I grew up in again. It was much more comfortable than my bed at the apartment.

The next afternoon, I left my parents place to go back to my apartment. It was empty when I got there; everyone else was at work. And even though I was a little shocked at what I saw in Niall's wardrobe and scared myself by thinking I was Niall's girlfriend, I had to know for sure. Because I wasn't feeling what I thought I should be feeling toward someone I loved. I felt that way more toward Nathan that to Niall. And knowing that Niall was my boyfriend but I loved Nathan more felt so wrong. It felt like I was breaking Niall's heart without him even knowing.

He once mentioned something about Emma and Nathan getting boxes from our storage space, but I never saw boxes in our apartment. They weren't in the storage space either, I had checked on my way up.

And then I found them on the top door of Niall's wardrobe. It was marked "memories" on the cover and I opened it up like a little girl on Christmas morning. There were more pictures of me and Niall. Of us feeding each other and being all couple-y. There were marks of blue-tac behind them and I guessed they were the photos from my wall. I found a locket that had my name engraved on it with a photo of Niall from when he was a little boy and a recent photo of him. There were letters too, ones I wrote to him.

"Dear Niall,
Wow, it's been a year already. Pretty crazy how time flies, huh? It seems like just yesterday we were interviewing you to see if you could stay with us and you were more focused on the pizza I was eating than anything else, hah!
We've had laughs, fights and tears. But you know what? I think it's that's what makes a perfect couple. Together with trust, of course. I trust you with anything and I know you trust me too.
I don't have much to write, I guess because I've told you everything I wanna tell you, heh. I hope you like the present I gave you :)
I love you so much, it's insane xx"

There wasn't a letter as long as that one. Everything else were just little post-its that had small apologies written on them. I guess I'd slip them through his door whenever we fought. I did that for Emma when we started living together and had way too many petty arguments.

After searching through Niall's box, I felt I had a need to go through Nathan's room. I found a box under his bed. I opened it and found some stuff that was meant to be mine as well. Damn, they're hiding a lot from me.

"Sept. 7 '15.
I told Niall about the other night, and the nights before that; basically everything. I'm sorry I made you promise not to tell Niall, I'm sorry I made you lie to him. I'm sorry I made you hide something from him. I know you really love him. I told him I was the one who made you keep it from him, that you wanted to tell him from the start. I'll let you 2 work things out. I'm looking for a new apartment to stay in so I won't bother you 2 anymore. For now I'll be staying with Max.. well, probably Jay, Michelle might hate having me over for too long. I don't think you'll catch me before you read this since you're working late tonight. So… I guess this is goodbye. I really love you, Kylie. I will even if you're in love with someone else. Promise to keep in touch. I'm really very sorry. xx

- Nathan."

"What the hell?" I said out loud and then the doorbell rang.
I opened the door and saw Jay standing with a duffel bag. He had a look on his face that said he was searching for something.
"Nath's at work," I told him.
"Oh. He left this at my place. He hasn't come back so I thought he wasn't moving in wi- yeah, I'll just leave it here," he quickly covered up.
"Don't tell anyone, but I know he was intending on moving in with you." I sighed as I took the bag from him.
"Wanna come in?"
"I'm good. I was just on my way to get something for Neytiri to eat. You should come over, she misses you," He said.
"Alright, I will after my trip to Paris. Please don't tell anyone I know about Nath moving in with you," I said.
"Already forgotten," he winked and walked away.

"Hey," Nathan said when he got home.
"Heyy," I said awkwardly.
"About last night."
"I'm not mad. It's Niall you have to talk to. He'll be home soon with the food." Nathan smiled.
"Alrighty," I said.

After dinner that night, Nathan told Emma that Niall and I had to talk, so she left us in the living room.
"I don't know what came to me last night." I started.
"You're probably crushed, you've every right to be. Just please forgive me. And give me a break. I'm not gonna feel what I felt before for sure. Things are d-"
"Different. I know," Niall said. He seemed to sound happier than the previous night.
"Yeah, exactly. If I was in love with anyone before, I'd have the chance to fall in love with them again," I hinted and saw his beautiful eyes light up. "Or maybe I'd fall in love with someone else instead," I added, just to makes sure he understood what I was trying to say. "I've got a chance to do it again, if I don't remember. I'm not going to go down the exact same road I did before."
"You're going to try things again. You've got a second shot at things," he said as his face got closer to mine. I felt so tempted to lay my lips on his which I looked at.
"I love you," he said and his lips quivered like he was going to cry. He then grabbed my face and kissed me. Wow, 2 kisses from 2 different guys.
"I was not supposed to do that..." Niall said.
"It's alright," I said. "I guess I'm used to being spontaneously kissed by now." I joked.
"Are you still mad?"
"Who ever said I was?" He smiled beautifully.

I had stayed in Paris for 2 weeks, visiting my grandparents. They had heard about my accident and wanted to see me just as much as I had wanted to see them. It was a 2 hour train ride from Paris back to London, so that meant a lot of thinking time again.
My seat on the train was by the window, and when the seat acrossme had been occupied by a red-haired male in an orange hoodie kept my eyes glued to the window.

"Penny for your thoughts?" It was weird that everyone seemed to know something was bothering me. It was the ginger guy sitting across me who had asked me, handing me a tissue too. I hadn't noticed the tear that was falling from my eye.
"Thanks," I said taking it from him.
"Just don't know what I'm gonna do."
"In London?"
"No, with my life. See, I lost my memory a few months ago and through some snooping around, I recently found out that I was in a relationship with one of my roommates. Then, I found out something happened between me and my other roommate and he told my boyfriend who was then pissed. According to the second roommate, they had an argument but I dunno what happened because I was at a friend's house. He told me I had gotten a call from the manager of the bar saying I should come pick him up then the accident happened... Shit, I'm blabbering. I'm so sorry!" I quickly apologized.
"No need to. I can sense you've got no one you know to about it. You think that if you tell anyone of them something, that they'd use that against you." He replied. He seemed like such a nice guy.

We had spent the rest of the train ride joking around and when the train came to a stop, I guessed realized we hadn't gotten introduced.
"I'm Ed, by the way. Ed Sheeran," he said holding out a hand.
"Kylie Gomez," I said shaking his hand and I left him with his shocked, slightly confused face.

"Kylieeeee!" Emma squealed as she hugged me when I opened the front door of the apartment. "Oh thank God your back!"
I looked around the apartment. Tom, Max, Jay and Siva were all there. With Niall and Nathan of course. And I then understood her distress.

"Hey guys!" I greeted them laughing as I closed the door, with Emma still clinging onto me, similar to a koala on a tree.
"Is that Nando's?" I asked. When they all nodded, I broke Emma's arms apart and ran to the coffee table where they were eating.
"What, they didn't feed you enough in France?" Jay teased.
"I hate the food they give you on planes and trains," I said.
"How was it?" Siva asked.
"Kinda boring. Dint get to do much, I just stayed at my grandparents' house all week." I sighed.
"Hey, Ed's on the way up," Niall said and his name rang a bell.
"Ed?" I asked.
"Ed Sheeran. Friend of ours," Holy shit! I thought as I felt my eyes widen and the doorbell rang.
"I got it," Niall said getting up.
"Hey Niall!" He was greeted. I heard Harry, Louis, Liam and Zayn with them as well.
"What's wrong, Ky? I thought your eyes were big enough already, never knew they could get any bigger," Tom teased. I was sat with my back facing the door, so there was still hope it was a different Ed Sheeran.
"This is just really hot," I said to cover up.
"Ky, come on over here," Liam called.
"This, is Kylie," Louis said.
"So this is the Kylie Gomez that Niall tells me about. Ed Sheeran," Ed said holding his hand out similar to how he had that morning.
"Pleasure to meet you," I said.

Ed went into the room with Niall and the boys, leaving me in the living room with Nathan, Siva, Max, Tom, Jay and Emma.
"So, you remembered the song?" Tom asked.
"Yeah. Well, kinda. Just that one part," I said.
"Does Em know?" I whispered to Nathan who shook his head.
"Have you got any plans for your birthday next month?" Jay asked. It had totally slipped my mind that my birthday was coming.
"I have no idea. Wait. How old am I turning, 23?" I asked.
"Yeap, same age as everyone else living in this house," Nathan said putting some food into his mouth.
"Damn, I'm old," I groaned.
"We'll plan a party for you," Tom suggested.
"Oh please no. I don't do good at parties."
"Oh yeah, we know," Jay said.
"Then that settles it, no party."
"No, that does not settle it, yes party," Max said.
"Please no!" I said burying my face in my hands. "I hate parties."
"Oh come on! It'll just be a small one. The boys, your parents- okay maybe not your parents considering we'll all be getting drunk and all that. And Michelle, Nareesha, Kelsey, Danielle and Eleanor," Emma said.
"Danielle and Eleanor?" I asked confused.
"Oh my God, you haven't met Danielle and Eleanor yet!" Emma said. "Danielle's Liam's girlfriend and Eleanor is Louis'."
"Oh."
"You love Danielle," Nathan said.
"She misses you. I should get Liam to call her to come visit." Emma said.
"She's definitely invited to the party," Siva said.
"I haven't even agreed to the party yet!" I said. "And hey. Speaking of people I miss, can I go see Neytiri? I'd love to see a lizard again."
"Yeah, of course!" Jay said.
"Like. Now," I said when no one moved.
"Oh right right," Jay said getting up.
"I'd love to, but I'm going to Michelle's set." Max said. "I'll see you soon," he said hugging me.
"Bye!"

I took a quick shower and got changed, so did Emma and Nathan as Siva, Tom and Jay waited in the living room. Before we left, I made sure to let Niall know where we were going. As I approached the door of his room, I heard the strumming of guitar strings, and the boys inside singing.

"You know I'll be,
Your life, your voice,
Your reason to be.
My love, my heart,
Is breathing for this
Moment in time.
I'll find the words to say,
Before you leave me today.

Close the door,
Throw the key.
Don't wanna be reminded,
Don't wanna be seen.
Don't wanna be without you,
My judgement is clouded,
Like tonight's sky."

I was standing in front of Niall's bedroom door, listening to them singing before it hit me that I had to knock the door.
"Come in!" I heard Niall say when the guitar stopped playing. I opened the door and saw Ed and Niall with guitars on their laps.
"Heyo. We're about to go off to Jay's," I said. "We might be home for dinner, I dunno. We'll call."
"Okay, have fun!" Niall said and I left.