Chapter Two: Lizards and Bears and Hawks, Oh My!

"To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy."
- Sun Tzu

Iruka's plans for the ANBU trials were based on three things. No, truly four things. No, five things. Okay, who's counting? First of all, his main plan was three really well made Kage Bunshin that were highly intelligent. Currently, the real Iruka was sitting the Forest of Death waiting for act two, should all things go well. Or, if everything went horrible and completely wrong, then it would be the location to a really bad and amazingly embarrassing finale. The fourth thing he was relying on was funneling them here and (hopefully) taking them out individually with his intelligent Bunshin. Each Bunshin had a very specific way to attack each of their targets. He just hoped he knew what he was doing. He really didn't want to make a fool out of himself. Each of his intelligent Kage Bunshin was off to their targets.

He hid in the shadows, masking his chakra, and hand on his wakizashi blade lightly. Listening.

LIZARD

Lizard smelled him easily; it was almost as if the little chuunin wanted to be followed. They were in one of the poorer sections of Konoha, by the old Orphanage, the dumps and the fish markets. Actually, truth be told, it was making it harder for her to smell the man, but not impossible. She was Inuzuka after all, and she had this chuunin's scent. Although it had been rather clever of him to try and run over here to this part of town. It was maze like and quite odiferous. It was almost as if he knew who she was. Which was impossible, of course. They certainly did not know each other. But it was certainly curious, indeed. They had been racing and chasing each other for well over an hour in this district. The man has quite good stamina, Lizard had to admit.

Then she turned around a corner and he was just suddenly not there. Lizard sniffed the air delicately. She could still smell him faintly. Then a liquid rained down on her from above. A very smelly liquid. Then he pelted her with…a piece of cheese?

"Oi! Up here!" A voice said from above.

Lizard looked up. And sure enough, the chuunin was floating, walking on chakra about thirty feet up. She bugged her eyes out a little, never having seen anyone quite do that before. Then he preformed seals and transported with a little swirl of bubbles. She growled in frustration, and climbed up the wall. Unfortunately she couldn't smell the man anymore. He had squirted her with what apparently smelled like vinegar and then tossed moldy blue cheese at her? She couldn't smell anything. In fact her heightened Inuzuka senses were reeling. She bent over, retching. She growled viciously again, and turned around, reaching out to stab erratically with her blades, but her eyes and nose were running. And she was having a hard time seeing.

The chuunin was standing behind her and he poked a senbon in her neck. "Sorry, ANBU-san."

"Wha-?" She started to say, and then slumped to the ground in a slumber.

Iruka's clone looked down at her in shock, then picked her up and began to take her back to home base.

BEAR

Bear walked down the street, waiting for Iruka to come to him. He knew that Iruka would. But Iruka never did. It was actually rather odd. He made it all the way to the mission room and it was past 9pm. He even got to his office and still, Iruka never came. That's weird, he thought. He sat behind his desk and tapped his fingers. He sat in his office and thought, any minute, Iruka will come in here and it will be on. He glanced up at the clock and realized it was almost ten thirty and he was still sitting there, at his desk, staring at the wall in his office.

Then he swore brilliantly and viciously and called Iruka a whore. Damn fucking genjutsu. See, it isn't elaborate genjutsu that gets you, or even crazy ones. It's the little tiny ones that seem really real. It's the little details. In a way, he was terribly proud of his pupil. Iruka had even got his work outfit perfect, his office perfect, even the squeak in the chair. He couldn't believe he'd been fooled by such a ridiculously simple one. He bit his lip and came out of the genjutsu in a haze, looking around. He was in the Forest of Death, it looked like. Lizard was tied up next to him, asleep. He had no other time to see anything else because Iruka was standing over him, pulling him suddenly into another genjutsu.

This time it was more Iruka's style; Ibiki was in the hot springs with Anko Mitarashi. He was suddenly less inclined to leave and fight, and damn Iruka for knowing this. How did that man know he had a crush on that feisty kunoichi? Anko was starting to take off her yukata slowly, seductively. His tongue was caught in his throat. Damn Iruka. He was supposed to be proctoring this test, not enjoying it. He really should leave. But he did want his apprentice to win. No, bad sensei. He sighed and bit his cheek and came out of the genjutsu reluctantly.

"Oh Ibiki-sensei. I thought you would've liked the last one." Iruka said. "It was my Sexy no Genjutsu."

"Iruka…" Ibiki growled.

"Sorry, sensei, but rules are rules!" Iruka tossed a senbon and soon Bear was now sleeping peacefully next to Lizard. "And I want to win!"

HAWK

Hawk followed the chuunin with a bored air. This was going to be fairly easily, he believed. He had read the man's file and didn't believe he saw whatever the Sandaime saw. Apparently the Hokage believes he has some affinity for T&I and while that may be true, that did not necessary mean he was cut out for ANBU. The young man was actually a bit of a puzzle to him, actually. He had been replaying their conversations in his head and he couldn't quite put his finger on it but something about the man was just off.

He followed the chakra signature of the chuunin, well; he supposed he was a jounin now. Then he spied the man a few rooftops away. It was almost like he wanted to be caught. Wait, was he waving at him? What the? No, he was definitely waving at him. This man was certifiable. Didn't he know that he was supposed to be evading capture? Didn't he read the rules at all?

Hawk pushed some chakra into his sandals and flew across rooftops towards the older man. When he reached the other man, he tripped he actually found himself tripping a trap. He dodged to his right and missed the exploding tag completely but he realized that he shouldn't be dismissing the man so easily just because he seemed frivolous. Lesson learned. He followed behind closer, finally realizing they were racing towards the lake. Iruka was waiting for him on the lake. Standing on the middle of it, hovering over the water and smiling. The man's good cheer was irksome.

However, Hawk had learned his lesson. He wasn't going to rush over to the lake. Obviously that's what the man wanted him to do. But he could draw from the lake; he could do water style jutsu. Possibly this man did not know? He started out with a fire attack instead. He lobbed a great fireball at the man easily. He dodged and rolled on top of the water and came back with his own attack; a water release – snakes mouth. A giant snake poured out of the lake and leapt at him eagerly. He was slightly surprised at the attack. He wasn't aware the man had the chakra reserves for this sort of fight.

He shot off two more great fireballs at him. He could see the older man was getting winded. He really did not have chakra reserves for this sort of extended battle and he obviously hadn't even fought with Lizard and Bear yet. He decided to finish him off. He preformed his water release – water fang bullet and pelted the man with an array of conical arrows of water. Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and the jounin was just not there.

Wait. Hawk frowned and walked into the pool. Had he just been fighting a clone of the man? He turned around, sensing his presence and he spied three more of Iruka, each holding a little ball of lightening in their hand. Loud chirping noises broke the night air.

They each tossed the lighting to the ground where he was standing in the pool. He blacked out.

IRUKA

Iruka carried the last ANBU back to his home base and tied him up with his chakra wire. He counted his senbons and cursed he did not have enough for all three of them. He had underestimated the length of time they would keep someone drugged and was paying for his mistake. He tied up the last ANBU as best he could with the chakra wire but he had to make sure it was tight. He couldn't afford to fight him again, he was almost out of chakra and exhausted.

The man was coughing and coming to. Damnit, he was hoping he would've stayed out longer. Maybe he could hit him upside the head? No, what if they were paired on a mission later? Didn't want it being awkward. Genjutsu? He could always try. But he didn't know the man, so it's hard to prepare a successful psychological battle when you don't know who you're up against.

"That was chidori, wasn't it?" The ANBU asked.

Iruka contemplated telling him it was a genjitsu or that he had been mistaken. How does one explain that he knows chidori because his lover from the future taught it to him? Yeah, that might go over well. So how could he explain the fact that he had just used something that only one person knew how to use? Think quick, Umino.

"Who are you, ANBU-sama?" Iruka asked instead. Iruka tapped the face of his mask with his wakizashi blade.

"We are forbidden to reveal our identities, Iruka-sensei." That vaguely familiar voice said.

There was a low moaning noise and Iruka turned and quickly drugged Lizard again.

"Very clever, I have to admit." The ANBU said. "You have Lizard and Bear both here? And they're drugged and tied up?"

"I had to fight them first, and then drug them. Had to get close enough to get the senbon in." Iruka said, looking down at the mysterious ANBU, a feeling of de ja vu just not going away.

"Who are you?" Iruka said.

"Fuck Iruka, stop drugging me." Ibiki demanded, his voice sounding thick.

"Sorry, sensei." Iruka sighed. "You know you'll just try to fight me again and I'm tired. Unless you want to go back into my genjutsu? I can oblige you if you'd like…one Sexy no Genjutsu coming up…!"

"Iruka, stop!" Ibiki yelped as the younger man drugged him instead.

"Sorry, I knew you'd choose to be drugged anyways. Too moral for your own good." Iruka laughed.

Iruka walked back over to where the anonymous ANBU was tied up. He checked to make sure the chakra wires were still tight. Then checked his watched. Little over thirty minutes until midnight. He scratched the scar on his nose.

"You know, I'm sorry, but I have to do this." Iruka put his fingers on the edge of the anonymous ANBU's mask. "I can't help it. I'm entirely too curious…"

"It is forbidden to remove an ANBU's mask." The ninja said, fighting it. Squirming a little in his bonds.

Iruka laughed lightly and bent down to whisper lightly, "Oh, but didn't you know? Forbidden is my middle name."

He used his wakizashi blade to push up the man's mask with the flat of the knife. He may have been smiling when he started, but when he saw the face he knew his expression was so startled because he could see it in the others face. The anonymous ANBU that he had been joking with was Itachi Uchiha. He felt his hand grip the blade in his knife and his hand was shaking. His whole body started shaking. The tip of the knife was at his throat. Iruka could do it, right now. End his life so easily and callously like he had ended his.

And for one second, he almost did. And then it passed. He sagged onto the forest floor, turning away from the other man, not wanting him to see what was in his eyes. He had not come here, for vengeance. Oddly enough it hadn't occurred to him that he might actually run into Itachi. Why hadn't he thought about that? Of course he wasn't a missing nin, yet. He hadn't murdered his clan yet. Iruka swallowed. It was only January. On May 14th Uchiha's would be massacred by Itachi Uchiha…if Umino Iruka didn't stop him. Not to mention the fact that he joins the Akatsuki later. He knew just killing the man wouldn't stop the wheels in motion. No, they would just choose another tool to do the job. This required more thought.

"When is your birthday, Itachi-kun?" Iruka heard himself ask, forcing himself to be far pleasanter than he wanted to be. No, this man did not kill you. It was a different Itachi, one that had lived through different circumstances in a different life. He forced himself to breathe deeply in and out a few times. Sure, Iruka. Just keep telling yourself that.

Iruka still couldn't look at Itachi but he knew the man was looking at him oddly. "June ninth. Why?"

"I was just thinking of something to get you." Iruka said vaguely.

"Hn." Itachi said. "I find that highly improbable."

"Why is that?" Iruka said, pulling out a ration bar and eating it out of boredom. And Iruka was always hungry.

"You seemed vaguely murderous a minute ago. I find it unlikely you went from contemplating my death to debating birthday gifts."

Iruka wished for the first time that Itachi was only as intelligent as Sauske. Not that Sauske wasn't bright, because he was. Is. He had always been smart. It's just…he was not abnormally bright. And talking to someone like Itachi was like talking to Kakashi or Shikamaru; it can be very tiring. You can never get away with anything unless they want to let you get away with it. Or you can distract them with something shiny. Thankfully Iruka wasn't a slouch in the intelligence department. It's just other people never seemed to realize it.

"Well, maybe I'm certifiably insane, Itachi-kun." Iruka offered.

"I haven't ruled that out." Itachi held.

Iruka laughed.

"The random laughter isn't helping your case for lunacy, Iruka." Itachi said.

"Well, the insane do not actually bark at the moon." Iruka said. "Well, at least I'm sure most of them don't. Actually, that's quite interesting. I'll have to check a book out on that next time I'm at the library."

"10 minuets." One of his clones said to him.

"Thank-you Iruka." Iruka said to his clone.

"Talking to your own clone?" Itachi said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, it would be rude to just ignore them, don't you think? They are extensions of myself."

Iruka frowned and looked over at Lizard. "Stop pretended to be asleep, Lizard! I can hear you breathing." He leaned over and jabbed at the woman with another senbon.

"You don't have enough needles to keep us all sleep, do you?" Itachi asked. "You probably didn't gauge the weights right and are too little for Bear and too much for Lizard."

"Of course, I underestimated. Fatal flaw in my plan." Iruka admitted.

Itachi rose up and stood. Iruka gaped at him. Damnit, when had he gotten free? Shit. He only had four minutes and he didn't have any chakra left for a fight. The ANBU captain feinted left then jabbed forward with a kunai and stabbed at Iruka. Iruka went away with a faint poof.

Itachi cursed. Another clone! How many of these did the man have?

Iruka ran around the area, leading Itachi through his maze of traps, exploding tags, hidden moats, tunnels and foxholes. By the time Itachi caught up to him he was laughing out loud at the sheer fun of it. This was fun! He knew that if the man had used his sharingan against him he wouldn't have stood a chance but for some reason he was testing him using merely ninjutsu. He knew from glancing down at his watch that the four minutes were up, he had won or at least held his own! He was elated. He looked up and spied Itachi at the top of the foxhole he was currently running through. He was holding his arm down, to help him up. Iruka almost flinched, but he didn't. How long would it take before seeing Itachi's face wouldn't send him into a panic? He grasped his arm and let him pull him up. Itachi had untied Lizard and Bear and they were waking up groggily. Sandaime was also standing in the clearing.

"Hello Iruka." Sandaime said smiling.

Iruka smiled back happily. "I think I passed!"

"Yes, you did but I've got a couple of questions if you don't mind answering them first."

"Hai, Hokage-sama." Iruka answered.

"Did you know that Lizard was Tsume Inuzuka?"

Iruka paused before answering, and then nodded. "Yes."

"It was something I overheard when I was younger. I know I shouldn't have taken advantage of the knowledge but… A shinobi must always put the mission first."

The Hokage nodded, seemingly satisfied with this response. "And what did you spray on her?"

"Ahh…vinegar and moldy cheese." Iruka knelt next to Tsume, whose eyes and nose were still running and tearing up, "I'm very sorry."

"And Bear, I'm sure you had to know was your old sensei. In fact if you didn't know that was Ibiki, it would've been very poor job of your intelligence skills, Iruka. He tells me you laid some very skilled and…ahh…creative genjutsu's on him?"

"Oh, did he tell you about my-" Iruka started with a smile.

"That's enough out of you, Iruka." Ibiki growled.

"And, Itachi, what is your impression of Iruka?" Sandaime turned to face the young man.

"I imagine combat will never be his strong suit. His chakra reserves are just not built for it. But he has excellent battle plan skills and tactics. I see why you placed him in the T&I department." Itachi paused. "I do have one question, though."

"Hai?" Iruka asked, turning towards the man, trying not to flinch at the sight of him.

"Where did you learn the chidori?" Itachi asked and Iruka felt the sharingan eyes turn on him.