Chapter Seven: Henohenomoheji Strikes Back

"How can I possibly put a new idea into your heads, if I do not first remove your delusions?"
- Robert Heinlein

Iruka woke up slowly, his body pressed against something warm. His first thought was immediately of sex and he smiled, thinking that someone was horny this morning. Morning wood was just something you had to deal with when you were eighteen and celibate. His head was so fuzzy. Iruka lifted a heavy hand to his head and he started playing with his hair and then he realized it wasn't his own hair. It was too soft. Wait. That's not right. Then he vaguely remembered the previous night and it all came flooding back in broken pieces. The party. Most of Konoha's elite ninjas getting drunk with Ryuu in his living room. Itachi in his bed. Wait, nani?

Iruka moved slowly, realized his limbs were entangled with another's; Itachi's. This was embarrassing. And what he thought was a pillow was actually Itachi's shirt covered chest. Gah, he smelled nice. He groaned a little as his morning erection rubbed against the younger man's leg. This was so awkward. How was he supposed to face his taichou now? Well, best get it over with. Iruka leaned up on his elbow looked up at Itachi who was blushing slightly but otherwise had a very probing look on his face.

"Sorry 'Tachi." Iruka said with his best brave smile. "Maa…you know how it can be in the morning. Heh." Iruka felt himself blushing terribly. He hoped that explained his predicament and valiantly hoped the younger man didn't believe his much older friend was some sort of pervert. He looked away and scratched his scar self-consciously, knowing it was standing out starkly against his flushing face.

Itachi's seemed on edge. He looked like he was going to say something or do something, but he merely nodded and said. "Hn."

Iruka situated himself and turned around out of the covers, then stood up, turning around quickly. Then he slipped on his jeans and zipped them up as fast as he could. Okay, Iruka felt better at the moment. He was covered up. Hopefully his bulge was…not too noticeable.

"Would you like some breakfast?" Iruka asked, hoping his voice was not noticeably higher pitched than normal. "I really need some coffee…"

Itachi was now sitting up in Iruka's bed, his hair jutting out at odd angles everywhere. It was very endearing. Iruka's heart clenched in his chest painfully. Itachi slid out of his futon fully dressed but barefoot. He had nice feet. "I would like that."

Iruka gulped and walked out of his bedroom away from temptation. He's only thirteen! It doesn't matter that he doesn't look it. Stop thinking these things. Gah! Bad Iruka!

He walked into the kitchen and started making coffee. Then he opened his refrigerator and groaned. There wasn't much in it thanks to the party from last night. He pulled out some milk and a box of cereal from a cabinet. Certainly not a gourmet breakfast but it was the only thing he actually had. He got two bowls out and some spoons. He set them on a tray along with two mugs. He poured coffee for them and lots of cream and sugar for both. Itachi liked it very sweet.

He carried the tray over to the living room where Itachi was now sitting on the couch. Iruka set the tray on the coffee table and flipped on the TV out of nervousness.

"Sorry it's just cereal. I'm out of everything else because of the party last night." Iruka apologized.

Itachi waved his hand. "It's fine. I like cereal." He poured milk for both of them and started eating. When some milk dribbled down his chin and Itachi reached up with a finger to catch it, and then licked it off his finger, Iruka had to look away. Oh, kami, what was the matter with him? Stop thinking these things!

Iruka didn't have any cereal right away; he sat drinking his coffee morosely. Forcing himself to think of textbooks, complicated math problems, reciting the order of the table of elements in order to will away his damn erection. This was really getting embarrassing.

"Did you want to go sparring this afternoon?" Itachi asked after a few moments.

Iruka turned and looked at him. "Sure. But I need to go grocery shopping first. I'm completely out of everything. I think the only things in my refrigerator are pickles and milk."

Itachi nodded. "I should probably go home and wash up anyways." He set his empty bowl down and nodded again. "See you around three o'clock?"

"Sure 'Tachi." Iruka smiled.

The younger man stood and stretched, then walked over and put his feet into his sandals. "See you then." And he was gone in a little poof of smoke.

Iruka sighed and closed his eyes; glad he was gone, but also sad in a way. He frowned and started eating his cereal. Once he finished eating he got dressed then went down to the market. He was at his favorite fruit vender haggling over prices of peaches and strawberries when he caught sight of Tenzō/Yamato. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but he hadn't seen the man at all since he had been back, and he knew for certain that Yamato had been assigned to the team that Kakashi was on during the his mission. Iruka dropped the peach he was holding and ran to catch up with Yamato. Was he Tenzō right now in this timeline or Yamato? Iruka took a guess and ran with it.

"Tenzō-san!" Iruka said with a smile, standing next to the man who was wearing his jounin outfit.

"Yes? Can I help you?" Yamato said, looking at him in confusion.

Iruka realized that he was wearing civilian clothing first of all, and also Yamato did not know him yet.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." Iruka began. "My name is Umino Iruka. I'm a jounin." Iruka gestured to his clothing. "Day off, you know. Anyways, I was wondering if you knew where I could find Hakate-san? I believe you and Gai were on a mission with him?" He looked at the man hopefully.

Yamato looked at him impassively and he realized maybe he was going about this wrongly. He didn't seem like he was going to be forthcoming.

"It's okay, Tenzō-san." Iruka nodded with understanding. "I'll just go ask the Hokage."

"Why do you want to know?" Yamato asked.

"I'm his friend." Iruka said with a shrug.

"Hakate-san does not have friends." Yamato said.

Iruka shook his head. "I suppose that is true. But Kakashi does."

Yamato looked at him for a moment tilted his head to the side. "He's at the hospital." Yamato said suddenly. "Chakra depletion."

Iruka nodded. "Typical."

Yamato raised an eyebrow at the response.

"Thank-you for telling me, Tenzō-san. If you ever need a favor, simply ask for me or Ryuu-san." Iruka responded cryptically and left to find the vender who sold the best eggplants.

"Who's Ryuu-san?" Yamato asked but Iruka was already gone and no one answered.

A short while later Iruka was back in his apartment, making up a batch of Kakashi's favorite soup. Miso soup with eggplant. It was the soup that his Kakashi's sensei, Minato had taught him to make back when he was a genin. Kakashi had always made it, and taught Iruka how to make it…years ago. He knew the man would love it. It would be the first step. He made a big batch and packed up a large container of as well as a spoon in a bag.

Then Iruka transported himself over to Kakashi's apartment. He quickly undid his traps with ease and walked past all the wards and barriers. He knew them all by heart. He had not come here before now; there would have been no point. Kakashi wasn't here and it would've hurt him too much. He walked with purpose through the apartment and stepped up to the bookcase and pulled out Icha Icha Paradise vol. 2. It was Kakashi's favorite and he knew that he would appreciate it the most. Then he walked over to the linen closet and pulled out two extra face masks for Kakashi, the ones that he liked that were extra soft – not the scratchy ones that the hospital would have given him. He put it all in the bag with the soup and exited the apartment and re-set the traps as he left.

Iruka transported to The Konoha Hospital, and was assaulted with memories. He had been here countless times to visit Kakashi, take him here, take him home, rushing here in a panic in the middle of the night, sitting in the waiting room for hours during long surgeries. The smell of the place reminded him intensely of the man. He went up to nurses desk and asked where he could find Hakate-san. The nurse was very grouchy. He was glad that he was still dressed in jeans a t-shirt. He would have to go home and change for sparring later, but it couldn't be helped. He never liked going to the hospital armed to the teeth.

He was so nervous, he was literally shaking. He was finally going to see Kakashi. Finally! He was in room 337B. He walked up the stairs and down the corridor, and then entered the room. He was there. RIGHT THERE, his mind screamed. Lying on the bed looking half asleep. His heart leapt up into his throat.

Iruka swallowed nervously and walked further into the room and stood by the foot of the bed. Kakashi looked up at him blankly. Aww…look at him! He looks so young!

"Hello, Hakate-san." Iruka began formally. He fidgeted with the bag in his hands.

"Yo." Kakashi said and gave him a small two fingered salute.

"My name is Umino Iruka. I'm not sure if you remember me but I brought you some soup to cheer you up. I heard you were in the hospital recovering." Iruka smiled at him and pulled the soup out of the bag and set it on the table next to Kakashi along with the spoon.

"I'm not hungry." Kakashi said uninterestedly. He turned away from Iruka and stared out the window.

"I'm positive you'll like it." Iruka said repeated.

"I'm really not hungry." Kakashi repeated stubbornly.

Okay maybe he was taking this all too quickly. Let's start over, Iruka thought.

"It's supposed to be very good for those with chakra depletion." Iruka said with a smile. "It's an old family recipe."

"Maa…what was your name again? Something fishy, right? Carp? Tuna?" Kakashi said, rubbing the back of his neck. He turned back to look at Iruka.

Iruka could feel his anger rising, his face flushing red. Why was Kakashi being such a jerk? He couldn't have forgotten his name. He had just told him his name! The man was deliberately being obtuse.

"Iruka." He said, trying not to sound angry.

"That's right, Iruka. Why are you here again?" Kakashi said, his one eye narrowing at him.

Iruka sighed and shifted the bag in his hands. He had gone over this in his head so many times and it had never imagined it going quite like this. He tried to remember how he had rehearsed this, tried to remember how he wanted to put his feelings into words.

"We used to know each other." Iruka said softly.

"I don't remember you at all." Kakashi said stiffly, giving him a dismissive glance.

Iruka felt pain stab through is heart. His jaw clenched nervously. He desperately wanted to run over and shake Kakashi, tell him: ask me anything about you at all, anything that wouldn't be in your files. I know every single thing about you! I know about every scar on your body! But that would just scare him and make him run away. He bit his lip. Damn meddling dragon, it seems he may have been right about this.

"I'm sorry you don't remember me but I assure you that we know each other." Iruka said.

Kakashi looked pissed. "You're really annoying, you know that."

Iruka forced himself to smile even though his heart was breaking. "I've been told that I'm annoyingly cheerful."

"No, just annoying." Kakashi reiterated.

Iruka took a deep breath. "I also brought you a few things that you might like." He set the bag on the table by Kakashi's bed, but he didn't move to open it.

"You know, I think I vaguely remember you now." Kakashi said, squinting at him. "Aren't you a chuunin? I really don't think I would be friends with a chuunin."

Iruka glared at Kakashi. Deep breath! Damn you Kakashi, were you always this much of a jackass back then? What did you see in me when you started courting me if I'm just a mere chuunin? Iruka composed himself so he could speak properly without shouting out in anger at the man. Or throttling him. Or pouring the soup on him.

"It's good for you to be utterly confused every now and then. I happen to believe that you can teach an old dog tricks, no matter how set in his ways he is." Iruka smiled at him.

Kakashi squinted at him, "Did we have a one-night stand or something? You're starting to sound like a stalker."

Iruka blushed deeply and scratched at his nose. "No we did not have a one-night stand, Kakashi." He wanted to yell at the man that they had been in love and a relationship for over six years. That he had died because of their love. That he had died for him. Instead he stood there, blushing like a fool, hands balling into fists.

"Hatake-san." Kakashi corrected him.

"Hatake-san." Iruka said repeated dutifully.

"I didn't think so, you are rather plain looking." Kakashi crossed his arms.

"Just try the damn soup, Hatake-san." Iruka said angrily.

"Is it poisoned?" Kakashi said.

Iruka sputtered. "Wh-Why would I poison you? No, damnit. It's not poisoned! It's just…homemade soup for crying out loud."

He realized there was a second presence in the room and he turned to see Asuma strolling in the room.

"Hey." Iruka nodded at the other man.

"Yo." Kakashi said to Asuma.

"Asuma-san, please tell this fool that I wouldn't poison him." Iruka shook his head in exasperation and pointed to the large bowl with the soup spoon on the table next to Kakashi. "He seems to think my offer of homemade soup is some sort of death threat." Iruka put his hands on his hips.

Asuma laughed heartily. "Kakashi-san, I can tell you that Iruka-san is not only trustworthy but he throws a fantastic party!"

Iruka smiled at Asuma, and then laughed. "You're just saying that because I suggested you play twister with Kurenai-san…!" He laughed at the faint blush on Asuma's face.

"I'm not hungry." Kakashi insisted, arms crossed, watching the interplay between Iruka and Asuma.

Iruka sighed and looked down at his watch. "Well, I've got things to do. Places to go!" Iruka looked at Asuma and smiled. "Great to see you again, Asuma-san! Next time let's play poker, ne?" With a swirl of bubbles, Iruka was gone.

Asuma looked at Kakashi and scratched at the back of his head. "I didn't know you knew Iruka-san?"

"I don't." Kakashi said.

"Oh." Asuma looked confused.

"He says he knows me." Kakashi looked baffled. "He brought me soup."

"That's nice." Asuma said.

"I'm not hungry." Kakashi repeated stubbornly.

"What kind of soup is it?" Asuma asked and walked over to the table besides Kakashi. He opened the soup container. It was one of those thermos containers that kept it liquids warm. Steam filtered out and the smell of the soup wafted through the room.

"Miso soup with eggplant…" Kakashi said softly.

"Eh?" Asuma said looking at Kakashi who had closed his one exposed eye. "Have you had it before?"

Kakashi swallowed. "Yes."

"Oh, well looks like Iruka-san brought you a spoon if you wanted it." Asuma handed him the spoon. Kakashi took it.

Kakashi began eating the soup slowly at first, then faster. Asuma looked at him with amusement.

"I thought you weren't hungry."

"Good soup." Kakashi grunted.

"I guess." Asuma laughed. "What's in the bag?"

Kakashi looked over at it. He almost didn't want to open it. No, he knew he didn't want to open it. But he did. He pulled out the contents and looked at the first two items.

"What is that?" Asuma asked.

"Two face masks." Kakashi said.

"That was thoughtful." Asuma said, sitting on the ledge of the window.

Kakashi knew that Asuma didn't really understand - he couldn't. But these were his face masks. The ones from his own private stash. At his apartment. That meant Iruka had gone into his home and obtained them. Past his personal traps and wards. He hadn't appeared injured at all, which meant he had gotten into his house just fine. How had he done that? He knew he had some of the best traps and wards in all of Konoha. Probably the best. On the other hand, it was oddly touching because his facemask had been removed at the hospital and he was now wearing one of the hospital ones that were scratchy and he hated them. One of the things he hated most about being in the hospital were the scratchy face masks that they put on him. It was…disturbing how Iruka might have even possibly known that he would really want one of these. In fact, too alarming. He fingered the soft masks.

The second item was Icha Icha Paradise vol. 2. Asuma laughed at that.

"He purchased you porn?"Asuma laughed. "He seems really does know you!"

Kakashi didn't say anything because Iruka hadn't purchased him anything. This was actually an old book, his favorite one. His copy from his own apartment. He could see his own scarecrow henohenomoheji in the corner of the dust jacket. Also disturbing that Iruka knew how bored he got just sitting in the hospital and how much he enjoyed reading…and in particular this exact novel.

The soup…he didn't even want to contemplate how Iruka had known about that soup. His mind couldn't even process it right now.

"Indeed." Kakashi said as he set the book down and turned to look at Asuma. "Tell me, what do you know about Umino Iruka?"

After leaving the hospital, Iruka went home and cried. He knew it was a weak thing to do, but he did it anyways. He contemplated summoning Ryuu out to comfort him, but knew the dragon would just tell him something along the lines of 'I told you so' and that he should move on. And he knew Ryuu was right; had been right all along. Iruka was trying to force something. Because you can't force someone to fall in love with you. And whether or not he wanted to believe it…he was manipulating the situation. The soup, the masks, the book; it was all blatant manipulation and he felt stupid now looking back on it. He felt utterly, naïve and so, so stupid! He wished fervently that he could go take it all back now.

The conversation had gone so poorly. Kakashi thought he was unattractive and stupid. Iruka finished dressing for his spar and sighed. He wished he would've just let well enough alone. It would've been better to have just been acquaintances with the man but now he knew because of three gifts Kakashi would be intrigued and curious. Probably not interested in a relationship, but curious enough to start asking questions and he really didn't need Kakashi digging too deep in his private affairs right now. Damnit, why hadn't he listened to Ryuu?

He transported himself to their usually sparring field and smiled, if not a little falsely at Itachi. He couldn't help it. It was just too soon from the encounter with Kakashi and he was raw inside. "I'm sorry I'm a little late."

"Hn." Itachi studied him. "Are you okay?"

Iruka nodded, not trusting his voice again. Not after Itachi had just sounded so nice and supportive. Iruka just hoped his eyes weren't too red or puffy. He swallowed and took a deep breath. "I'm fine."

"It's obvious you're not."

Iruka shrugged. It was too complicated to explain to Itachi. Way, way too complicated to explain.

Suddenly Itachi's blade was at pinching at his side. "Hey!" Iruka said reproachfully, pushing the blade away.

"You're not concentrating." Itachi said. "What is the matter?"

Iruka sighed. "I'm sorry, you're right of course. I had an argument with someone I guess you could say." He explained, hoping that would suffice.

Itachi looked at him carefully. "I heard Hatake-san was back from his mission."

Iruka movements stilled, forcing his features into a careful smile and pulled out his two blades, ready to begin sparring. "Yes, he is."

"We don't have to spar today if you don't want to." Itachi said.

"No, I really want to." Iruka said smiling at Itachi, this time it was a real and natural smile. "There is no where I'd rather be."

And that was the honest truth of it. The months of waiting for Kakashi's return…what a learning experience that had been. Ryuu could tell him not to try to chase after him until he was blue in the face, but nothing could have prepared him for it except actually seeing the man in person. If anything, Iruka was even now more committed to his goal of saving Konoha for peace.

Please Review: ^_^