"This is impossible!" Scorpius wailed for about the tenth time since the second year Slytherins had assembled in the library to complete their research for the potions contest. Albus was compassionate toward his friend's plight. The others were hounding him relentlessly, particularly Sonora Grey who hadn't given him a moment's rest from the moment he'd stepped into the common room. So intent on lecturing and drilling him on the potion recipes for the contest, she'd nearly chased after him into the boys lavatory after their Charms class! Fortunatly, another girl had alerted her before she made the mistake and the two manic girls waited outside the lavatory door like hound dogs with a fox backed into a hole.
"Merlin's Beard!" Scorpius had exclaimed in exasperation as he took his time washing his hands at the sink, "Why do they have to let all these stupid, bossy girls in this school anyway? Hogwarts'd be a fair sight better off without them!" Octavian Bell overheard his grumbling and cuffed him on the back of the head, causing him to spill water down his sleeve.
"Bite your tongue, Malfoy!" he insisted, "In a year or so, you'll be glad to have them around!"
"What's wrong with the twizzlip sprouts we have in the potion's lab?" Malcolm complained to Scorpius.
"They're dried," Scorpius reminded him, "They won't work for these potions. The text specifically says they have to be fresh…germinated within the past forty-eight hours."
"Does anyone know how to germinate twizzlip sprouts?" Donner asked.
"I don't even know what a twizzlip is!" Albus admitted sheepishly.
"According to our Herbology text, it's a tiny parasitic turnip that grows out of hair follicles."
"So, someone's got to go around with a lot of plants growing out of their head?"
"Not it!" Scorpius announced.
"Not it!" chorused Albus, Donner, Malcolm, and Jesse in agreement. Sonora exchanged glances with the only other Slytherin girl in their year, Mildred Drake. Her frizzy hair cascaded from her scalp in thick, unmanageable clumps. It looked to the other Slytherins like the ideal climate for parasitic turnips. In fact, one might not even notice their presence. Mildred, however, was in disagreement.
"Forget it!" she snapped at them.
"But…" began Jesse but his protest crumbled under the threatening heat of her glare.
"We could make my brother Virgil do it," Donner suggested flippantly, "If we can catch him." This suggestion was met with nods of approval from most of the others. Albus rolled his eyes.
"You expect us to tackle your little brother and plant his scalp full of parasites?"
Malcolm rolled his eyes. "Come on, Potter! Your own brother'd do it to you in a heartbeat!" he pointed out.
"That doesn't make it right!" Albus insisted, "Besides, didn't you hear what Schlegel said? We aren't allowed to get help from other years."
"Technically, he said we aren't allowed to get help from older students," Sonora pointed out, " Bumgarner's brother is younger."
The others smirked approvingly at the new loophole. Albus sighed and glanced at Scorpius who was frowning at a page in his potions book, entirely unscandalized by the impending assault on the younger Bumgarner brother. Albus wondered how the other members of his house managed to go about with such complete indifference to the injustice in the world.
"Then it's settled," Donner concluded, "Vigil can take one for the team." Scorpius looked up from his book and rolled his eyes.
"Don't you think it would be a lot easier if we put them on that mangy old cat of yours?" he asked Donner. Donner's eyes widened and he snarled in outrage.
"Don't you dare put parasites on Wallace!" Albus snorted incredulously.
"You're more compassionate toward your cat than your brother!"
"So what? I love my cat!"
"You and my brother, James, are cut from the same stuff," Albus accused disdainfully. Donner shrugged his shoulders.
"What are big brothers for?" he asked.
"Look, we can worry about whose hair roots to use later," Sonora commanded them, "A fat lot of good twizzlip sprouts are going to do us if we can't figure out how to gather that midnight nettle in the middle of the night without breaking curfew!" The others nodded soberly. Albus wished for the hundredth time that he had his father's invisibility cloak.
"We'll just have to sneak down there tomorrow night when it's a new moon," concluded Malcolm. Sonora rolled her eyes.
"Don't be an idiot, Ward," she said flippantly, "Schlegel would curse us to death, bring us back as inferi, and then sell us as slaves to the goblins, if we snuck out!"
"Did you think I was planning on telling him about it?" he demanded sarcastically.
"You might as well if we show up to the contest with the midnight nettle and no story about how we got it legitimately," Scorpius pointed out.
"Oh, yeah," Malcom conceded sheepishly.
"You're sure it has to be collected at exactly midnight?" Jesse asked Scorpius for the tenth time.
"Yes!" he moaned in response.
"Well, what would happen if we gathered it at eight-forty-five under the new moon?" Jesse demanded.
"Who knows?," Scorpius responded, "The book doesn't say what you get when you do it the wrong way. Maybe a wicked explosion…maybe a potion that doesn't work very well." The other Slytherins slunk down into their seats. Albus felt bad. He wished he could be a more productive member of his team, but potion-making wasn't at all his strong suit and he couldn't think of any better solution of how to obtain the specimen they needed.
The Slytherins had still not managed to come up with a plan when they were forced by the clock to pack up their things and head up for their divination lesson. Albus and Scorpius walked alongside each other without speaking. They were both still trying to concoct a brilliant plan for the retrieval of the Midnight Nettle when they discovered a very flustered-looking Rose Weasley, who stood with hands on hips and nostrils flaring as she chastised two of her second-year house mates in a sharp tone.
"I don't care how many points we get, you had no right to do it!" she barked at them. At her side stood Albus' cousin, Freddy, who's expression looked pained as he clawed feverishly at his scalp with his nails.
"Aw, I'm alright, Rose," he claimed, though his grimace betrayed his discomfort, "I don't mind."
"See! He doesn't mind!" the two boys declared triumphantly. Rose squealed in indignation.
"What's wrong, Freddy?" Albus asked his cousin. Freddy's face looked slightly panicked as Albus and his housemates approached.
"N…nothing," he chirped as he quickly withdrew his hands from his red hair and held them at his side with clenched fists.
"Yeah, he's alright!" one of the two other boys interjected, trying to insinuate himself between Albus and a full view of his cousin.
"My foot, he is!" Rose spat angrily, "Just look at him!"
"What?" Freddy asked, attempting unsuccessfully to appear nonchalant. Meanwhile, a very thin vine with tiny leaves and white buds was weaving its way through his thick, red crown.
"I can't believe you put parasites in his…" Rose began to shout, but the two boys hissed for her to shut up. Rose responded with an indignant squeal.
"Hey, Weasley, you've got a little something in your hair," Scorpius said casually as he extended his hand toward Freddy's head, "Here, I'll get it!" The two older boys whipped out their wands instantly and pointed them in Scorpius' face.
"Back off, Malfoy!" one of them demanded.
"Yeah! Those turnips are Gryffindor property!" the other declared. Scorpius stepped back defensively and shrugged his shoulders.
"It was worth a shot," he commented. The two older Gryffindors escorted Freddy away down the corridor like an entourage of body guards while Rose followed them, chastising in a shrill voice. Sonora Grey snorted.
"We should have known that any parasite we needed could be found crawling on your cousins, Potter!" she snarled sarcastically.
"Don't you dare insult my family!" cried Albus indignantly, his hand flying to the handle of his wand. Sonora rolled her eyes, unaffected.
"You can't curse me!" she dared.
"Oh, and why not?" demanded Albus.
"Because, I'm a girl!" was her triumphant response, "Everyone will say you're a brute and a coward if you curse a girl." Albus gave Scorpius an incredulous look. Scorpius shrugged.
"I've heard that said…but I've never really believed in it."
"It's too bad you weren't able to get any of your cousin's sprouts, Potter," Donner complained, changing the subject.
"Well, I guess he wasn't in the mood to share."
Freddy's refusal to share, however, turned out to be short-lived. During their next period, he apparently shared his twizzlip sprouts with all the other first years in his house. Next, he shared with the Ravenclaws in his charms class. By lunchtime, the whole Ravenclaw table was scratching their scalps and several of the Gryffindors had white, wispy aerial roots that dangled to their shoulders. On their way to the common room, Albus and Scorpius observed two Hufflepuff girls making their way awkwardly to the nurse. Their heads had become conjoined by the entwining twizzlip vines
By the end of the afternoon, the teaching staff had the non-infected students quarantined in their dormitories while the house elves raced about the castle, frantically rounding up the spores. Professor Schlegel ordered all the Slytherins that weren't in the hospital wing to assemble in the common room so the prefects could inspect them for signs of infestation.
"Who knew that being a prefect would be so glamorous," Jasmine Whitney whined as she gingerly picked at Albus' head with a comb, "Merlin's Beard, you've got a mess of hair, Potter!"
"If you happen to find anything that looks like a sprout, could you set it aside for our potions contest?" Sonora Grey asked her hopefully. Whitney shot her a disdainful look and then rolled her eyes as she gingerly picked at Albus' hair.
Shortly later, Albus made his way down the stairwell to his room scratching his head all the way. Whitney hadn't found any signs of parasites on Albus, but the mere suggestion of tiny sprouts latching onto his hair follicles made him itch like mad. When he open the door to his room, he found Scorpius holding the package Albus had received from his uncle's shop and grinning like a Cheshire cat as he read the instruction card that came with it.
"I think I've got a plan!" he declared jubilantly.
"For how we can gather a plant at midnight without breaking curfew or how we can get back at James?" Albus asked him. Scorpius' smile became broader.
"Both!" he said gleefully.
The next morning, James Potter arrived at breakfast bright and early. James was not generally a morning person. In fact, he could usually be found still snoring away well after his roommates had finished dressing and he often overslept to the point where he had to race down from Gryffindor tower at top speed in order to stuff some toast or an orange in his pockets on the way to his first class. Today, however, was Friday and every Friday the Hogwarts students had French toast for breakfast. French toast drenched in syrup was possibly James Potter's favorite food in the world, particularly alongside a selection of sausages and a pile of enchanted hash browns. The Friday morning potatoes were cutouts of a smiley face. James thought there was no better way to begin the day than ingesting a plate of potato faces that smiled at him, winked, and occasionally stuck out their tongues. Therefore, it was his custom to arrive at breakfast promptly on Friday morning and in very good humor.
He strode into the Great Hall with an excited smile on his face which immediately fell when he caught sight of the Gryffindor table. Albus and Scorpius had settled themselves across from each other at the end of the Gryffindor table and were helping themselves to his platter of French toast.
"What do you think you're doing?" James demanded irritably. The two younger boys smirked in a mischievous manner.
"Good morning, James," Albus greeted brightly, ignoring the question. Scorpius chortled into his napkin.
"Very funny, Al," James said scowling, "Now, get up. You're in my spot."
"I don't see your name on it," Scorpius baited him. James shot him a glare.
"Oh, no?" James asked mockingly. He stepped over the bench where Albus was sitting and pointed to the table in front of Scorpius.
"It's right here!" With that he flipped a large pitcher of maple syrup into Scorpius lap, drowning his robes in warm, runny stickiness.
"Eugh!" Scorpius exclaimed in disgust as he jumped to his feet.
"Hey!" Albus cried furiously.
"Get lost!" James demanded and he shoved Albus from the bench and took a seat.
"Come on, Al," said Scorpius bitterly as he slammed the empty container on the table. Albus got quickly to his feet and gave his brother a shove before they scrambled to their own table.
"Sorry about your clothes, mate," Albus said sheepishly as they sat down.
"It's all for the cause," Scorpius assured him.
James' spirits improved once he had dispatched the two Slytherin intruders from the table. He helped himself to a huge stack of French toast and began shoveling mouthfuls at an alarming speed. Gradually, the other Gryffindors appeared and sat down to eat.
"Why isn't there any syrup?" complained James' friend Mansel.
"It's a holiday in Canada," James explained through a full mouth.
"Potter!" barked Professor White, "Where's that parchment?"
"Hmmph?" James asked, syrup dribbling down his chin. He swallowed.
"Parchment?"
"The essay you managed to wheedle me into accepting late. You swore you'd have it by breakfast."
"I do!" James insisted, "I mean, I did it last night."
"Well, I'll have it now, then." James looked down sheepishly.
"I left it on the desk in my room," he admitted.
"Well, go and fetch it at once!" White ordered and James' fork clattered to his plate and he leant back to swing his legs over the bench. Suddenly, his face took on a strange expression. He placed both his hands on the bench and bounced repeatedly. Professor White's eyes narrowed.
"I'm loosing my patience, Mr. Potter!" he warned. James continued to struggle with pushing off the bench. His face was becoming panicked.
"Potter! Move!" his teacher demanded in a cross tone.
"I…can't!" James moaned, "I'm stuck to the bench!"
Across the hall, Albus and Scorpius were craning their necks.
"Move over a little, will you, Virgil?" Albus asked as he strained to get a better look. Meanwhile, a crowd of curious Gryffindors were assembling around his brother, obscuring their view. Scorpius climbed up on to his knees and attempted to see over their heads.
"Malfoy! Sit down at once!" bellowed Professor Schlegel, who was passing behind them on his way to the head table, a steaming, fragrant mug of coffee in his hand. Scorpius collapsed onto his bottom, offering up his most repentant look until the teacher was out of earshot.
"Are they holding all right?" Albus whispered.
"Owww Euaaaaarph! Ahhhhh!" Every head in the room whipped around toward the end of the Gryffindor table.
"Yeah, I think so," Scorpius answered through his giggling.
"How on earth did you manage to do this!" Professor White's voice echoed across the hall.
"I didn't do anything! I don't know!" they heard James cry pitifully.
"Hey, what's going on over there?" Virgil asked, turning his neck around to see the commotion behind him.
"Who knows?" Scorpius responded as he tried to look interested in his breakfast plate. They hurried through their meal while Professor White tried several charms to unstuck James, a couple of which caused a loud yelp of pain from their subject. Albus nearly choked on his orange juice when he heard James exclaim indignantly, "I'm not taking off my trousers in the middle of the breakfast table!" Finally, the teacher determined that special care was required and James needed to be relocated to the hospital wing.
"Weasley and Weasley," he summoned the twins, "Take your cousin and his buttocks to the hospital wing."
"Yes, Professor," the twins chorused, matching sardonic expressions spread across their faces. James wailed in misery as his cousins levitated his bench from the table, swayed it back and forth, and chanted,
Rock-a-bye, Jamie, in the tree top!
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock!
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall!
And down will come Jamie, cradle and all!
By the time they'd finished their song, James was floating, suspended upside-down from the bench as the whole procession passed by the Slytherin table.
"Rock-a-bye, Jamie…" Albus sang saucily from his seat.
"Shut up, Albus!" James cried. Suddenly, his rear-end released from the bench and he crashed, head first to the floor.