Chapter Twelve: Five Shinobi Walk into a Bar
"If you would take, you must first give. This is the beginning of Intelligence."
- Lao Tzu
Jiraiya was having a great day. The sun was shining and he was in bed with three women. Well, two women and a midget. But he wasn't complaining because the midget could really suck cock. And he'd only paid half price for her. So he happy; nuzzling his face contentedly in the chest of one the whores, still half asleep when someone slapped his face.
He shook his head dazedly and said in a drunken slur, "In' a min' baby…"
That's when he felt a blast of angry chakra wash over him. It wasn't killing intent per se, but it was enough to make him open up one of his eyes blearily. All he could see was the ceiling. Damnit, he was facing the wrong direction.
"Eh?" He heard himself say. Or at least, that's what he was trying to say. It might have come out more like a belch. He wasn't sure.
"I'm not your baby, old man." A man's voice said icily and slapped him again, harder. "But if you wake up…maybe I'll buy you breakfast."
Jiraiya managed to turn around in the bed. There was a young man in the whorehouse room staring at him with a scowl. He was wearing a shirt and pants and you could see tattoos on his arms and biceps and a few more of them peeked out along the neckline of his shirt that promised the hint of more on his chest. There was also a giant sword strapped to his back and two mismatching wakizashi blades slung low on his hips. He looked like a thug. Or a pirate. But Jiraiya was still pretty drunk, so maybe he was seeing things.
"You'll have to wait until I'm more awake for an autograph, kid." He said inattentively then he flipped over in the bed and farted in the thug's general direction.
There was an even greater spike of chakra through the room. "Look, we are going to talk, old man. So wake, the fuck up."
There was a blatant difference between being curt and rude; this tattooed man was skirting the boundary gleefully. Didn't he know who he was? He was Jiraiya, the Legendary Sanin, for Kami's sake!
"What, are you some sort of thug who works for the whorehouse? I paid for these whores last night!" Jiraiya sat up and shouting, then smacked the ass of the nearest lady of the night, who didn't even wake up, she just turned over in bed, scowling at him. "Did that fat cow Hachirou send you up here?"
The tattooed man was rubbing the bridge of his nose in frustration and Jiraiya realized that the man had not come alone. He had brought a child with him. There was a young girl sanding by his side, covering her eyes, although she was peeking. She was much too young to be in a whorehouse, but it wasn't his place to judge, he supposed. She had bright blue hair and pigtails. Jiraiya waggled his eyebrows at her and she giggled.
"Stop peeking." The tattooed man said and swatted at the girl, who giggled again.
The young man turned on Jiraiya again. "I'm not a thug, you old windbag!" Then he started yelling. "I came here to talk to The Sanin and instead I found a drunken old man who cares more about perversion and drink than Konoha and honor, about the way of the nindu and the Land of Fire. I need you and I need you train me now. Get your old lazy ass out of this bed right now before I haul you out of it and make you regret pissing me off in the morning, Jiraiya!" The man finished his tirade by shaking his fist at him.
Jiraiya squinted at the man then roared with laughter. "You're worse than Tsunade on the rag!"
For some reason the young man started to turn a bright red color. Oh, fuck, he was blushing. This is priceless. He didn't know people still blushed these days. At least people didn't blush around him. Maybe that was more of a sad commentary on his life. No, too early to start getting maudlin, Jiraiya. Too early and already hung over. He stood and picked up some trousers off the ground and a tunic, then tucked it into his pants, glancing idly at the tattooed man, not hiding his curiosity.
"Where are we going?" Jiraiya said.
"Didn't I promise breakfast?" The man said rudely. They left the whorehouse and walked down a few streets and finally stopped at a ramen stand, the young girl following behind them. "I'm buying." Soon all three of them were eating bowls of noodles and drinking sake. Well, the girl wasn't drinking sake; she appeared to be drinking tea.
The older man was staring at the younger man with much curiosity. He had to admit, this was the first time someone had pulled him out of bed to buy him breakfast. "So...are you fan of my books, then?"
The other man laughed hard. He shook his head and laughed again. "No! Gah, no. Don't make me laugh."
The little girl was giggling again.
Jiraiya was peeved. His books were beloved. He had sold millions of copies. They had been made into movies. They were very popular. He didn't have to justify them to this man, yet here he was feeling the need to justify them. "Looky here, I can tell you-"
"No, don't bother. I've heard all the praise for your works, Jiraiya." The man smiled wryly. "Kakashi spent years trying to convince me of their worth. I've even been convinced to read some of them. I'm just not a fan. I'm sorry."
"Everyone's a critic." Jiraiya snorted and sipped his sake. "You must be a real bore in the bedroom. I wouldn't have thought it with all the tattoos…that the ladies must love you."
The man smiled crookedly. "Well, the men in my life have never complained about my abilities in the bedroom."
Jiraiya's eyebrows shot up. He wasn't judgmental just surprised. The man had a daughter after all. And the man didn't exactly scream gay with all the tattoos and everything. "Err, really? What exactly did you want to discuss with me about then? I'm not taking on students anymore." He sighed and felt uncomfortable whenever that topic came up. He felt inadequate. And he hated that feeling more than any other. He squashed it down at hastily finished his drink.
"I need you...you're the only one who can help me with a jutsu that I must master. There is no one else and the fate of Konoha lies with me mastering it!" The man said, possibly too vehemently.
The older man took one look at the younger man's earnest face and laughed.
The younger man scowled fiercely and blushed. "You don't have to laugh at me, you pervert! I'm serious!"
"I can see that…you're just so...young and…earnest! I can't remember ever being that…" Jiraiya's eyes closed for a moment. He shook his head for a moment. "Naive."
Then Jiraiya seemed to realize something the young, inked man had said. "Did you say Kakashi? Do you know him?"
The young man sighed and snorted. "Yes, he's your biggest fan, the pervert."
"I know! How is he?" Jiraiya laughed. "I haven't seen him in a while. How is Leaf?"
The tattooed man and pointed his chopsticks at Jiraiya. "Look, I'll tell you everything you want to know after you promise to teach me."
Their sake glasses were refilled by the ramen vender. Jiraiya waved the man away.
"I'm not taking students, damnit!" The older man yelled. "Who doya think you are to talk to me like that? I'm The Great-"
The younger man interrupted him and waved at him dismissively as if he was expecting his tirade of his titles and accomplishments. He had the oddest sense of déjà vu come over him even though he'd never met the odd younger man before.
"I know exactly who you are, why do you think I sought you out, you old windbag." The younger man groused, turning back to his ramen. "Honestly, I wish I had someone else to turn to. I really do. But I don't. We're stuck with each other, Jiraiya."
"What is it that you think I can teach you? You look like a hooligan. Who are you anyways?" Jiraiya asked, curiosity finally winning out.
"I'll tell you my name after you agree to teach me." The man said between bites.
Jiraiya frowned slightly as the world faded into just the two of them. He realized it was a craftily laid bit of genjutsu. Very subtle, very slick, very masterfully done. He probably couldn't have done it better himself. He even tried to bite his tongue out of it and couldn't. He looked at the younger man who tilted his head at him. He obviously didn't need any help with genjutsu training.
"I need your help with an adaptation of Space–Time Ninjutsu. I'm working on a combination of Madara's Space–Time Migration and Minato's Flying Thunder God Technique." The man let the genjutsu fall off gracefully and went back to eating. He obviously had said what he wanted to say privately.
Jiraiya gazed closely at the younger man. This…was not a simple task he was asking.
"Why?" He asked.
"I'll tell you if you choose to be my teacher." The man said simply, then took a sip of sake.
"No, I need to know before." Jiraiya demanded and he turned towards the younger man, gripping his arm painfully.
"It's for Konoha."
"A lot of detestable shit has been done in the name of honor and for the Will of Fire, kid." Jiraiya emptied his glass and stood. "It's commendable that you want to do something for your village but in the end you'll die alone like all of us." He stood and turned, missing the way the younger man's face paled noticeably before fierce anger overcame his features as Jiraiya started to walk away.
"Fuck you!" He heard the young man yelling at him. Jiraiya didn't turn around. "You can't…just…dismiss me like that. I need you to help me. You have to help me. No one else knows these techniques…except him…" The younger man seemed to be agitated; he was running a hand through his hair now. Jiraiya realized it was quite long; dark brown and past his shoulders. The man definitely kind of looked like a pirate. He was starting to get an idea for a new Icha Icha. About a tattooed pirate.
"Except who?" Jiraiya asked casually, not really caring. This kid was kind of annoying.
"Madara." He whispered and Jiraiya realized it wasn't a whisper; the younger man was using genjutsu on him again. Damn, he was really quite adept with that.
Jiraiya looked sideways at the young, tattooed man. He couldn't really be serious. Could he? He looked serious.
"What do you know about Minato, kid?" The older man paused in the middle of the street and asked curiously.
The young man stopped. "Not much. He was the Fourth. He died young...tragically, of course, everyone knows that. He died for Konoha and he placed the nine-tails in his son. I can make his eggplant miso soup perfectly. Kakashi taught me." The man smiled fondly at some memory. "I have been raising Minato's son, Naruto, who is the Jinchuriki. He is a wonderful boy, you'll love him. I can't really think of anything else. He was the yellow flash. Ugh...the resengann? It was an incomplete jutsu? Yeah, that's all about I remember." The tattooed man scratched the back of his head. "Will you teach me now?"
The older man looked a bit taken aback by this floodgate of information. "Most of that is common knowledge...except the fact that Naruto was his son. How...? And about the resengann being incomplete?"
The man's eyes widened and he seemed to realize he may have said something he didn't mean to say. He started blushing and scratched the scar on his nose. "I'll tell you if you agree to be my sensei."
If possible Jiraiya glared more furiously than before and turned away and started stalking off in a different direction. The younger man stubbornly followed him. Soon another man joined up beside the tattooed man. He was taller than him with short shaggy blond hair wearing a dark green hakama and green and white patterned haori.
"Did he agree yet?" The blond man asked the tattooed man.
Jiraiya pretended not to listen to the conversation taking place behind him, but it was hard not to hear it. They weren't exactly quiet.
"Not yet." The tattooed man said with a sigh.
"Let's just hit him over the head and take him prisoner." The blond man said savagely.
The little girl with the blue pigtails giggled.
"Yeah, that's the way to win him over." The tattooed man snorted and mimicked. "Sensei, pardon me, I just kidnapped you but can you train me now?"
"I know a mind control jutsu, Otousan." The little girl offered.
"Bite your tongue, Kokoro." The tattooed man said. "No dango for you tonight. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, we don't do mind control jutsus!"
"He's being a fucking prick!" The blond man said. "I still suggest hitting him over the head…"
"Let me try talking to him again." The younger man said, running up to walk abreast with the older man again. "Jiraiya…" The younger man started. "I have a proposition for you."
"Look…I'm flattered but don't do men." Jiraiya said with a patronizing tone. He'd let the lad down gently. It's obvious despite his protests about not being a fan that he was. Who wasn't a fan of Icha Icha Paradise?
The young man laughed lightly. "That's good, because I don't like old farts." The young man mocked.
Jiraiya looked offended. "I'm not that old!"
"Don't offend the old fart!" The blond man said, coming up alongside the tattooed man and slung an arm around him. "We're trying to win him over, Dolphin!"
Jiraiya looked at the younger man and raised an eyebrow at the nickname. The younger man was smacking his forehead frustration.
"'Dolphin', eh?" Jiraiya snickered. "That's pretty cute for a guy who's all tattooed up. Dolphin-kun." Then the old man roared with laughter in the middle of the street.
The younger man blushed beet red and turned to glare at the blond man who looked completely unrepentant.
"What?" The blond man said with a shrug.
The little girl giggled.
"Jiraiya, I'm glad you find my nickname so amusing. Perhaps now you'll consent to teach me?"
They were walking again and now appeared to be in a more residential neighborhood even though it was still a shitty part of town. Jiraiya lived in the gritty city of Tanigakure, in The Land of Rivers and you'd think that he'd make a pretty decent living from the Icha Icha novels, but somehow the money always slipped through his fingers. Maybe he needed to read his contracts better. Or finally hire a manager. He stopped at his apartment building, pulled his keys and opened the door and undid the traps. Jiraiya ignored the younger man scoffing at the protection wards around his apartment. Did the man really think he needed much protection? No one really cared about a has-been like him. He liked to think that he had roving bands of fans, but it really wasn't true.
He smiled contentedly when he walked into his apartment and tossed the keys onto the coffee table. Maybe the flat inside a little messy but it wasn't small. Actually it was pretty large; open with beautiful views of the river and a large kitchen. This was probably why he rented the place in the first place. He liked looking at the water while he wrote, although he would never tell anyone that. Nice place on the inside even if it was a mess. And he had even decorated it, if you counted the giant TV, large porn collection, some of his favorite Icha Icha posters framed and black leather sofa as being decorated. He certainly did.
Jiraiya looked over at the young tattooed man; he could tell 'Dolphin' hated it. He peered around the room curiously then sniffed at it in distaste then turned back to the older man who was opening the fridge. He peered over his shoulder into the refrigerator and also appeared to find the contents of that distasteful. He couldn't fault him entirely on that one. There was nothing in it but beer and mayo.
"What is this proposition, kid?" Jiraiya asked, popping open a can of beer and drinking.
"You aren't going to offer me any beer?" The young man asked, looking at his nails. They had been painted a dark purple.
"No." Jiraiya answered. And he wasn't going to ask why he had painted his nails purple, either. He had given up why the youth these days did things like that. It was probably some gay thing anyways.
The young man smiled. "I am an excellent cook. I'm also a very tidy person. I will cook and clean for you. I'll live here in your apartment while we train. If you don't have a spare bedroom, I'll sleep on the couch. I have no idea how long it will take to perfect the techniques. Additionally I need help with my sword work. I know that is not your area of expertise, so I will sometimes occasionally be off on a few of my own personal side quests if that is all right. But I will always make sure you have food and clean clothing before I leave."
Jiraiya looked a little shocked. "You're making it sound a little like a wife. Heh."
"Well, I guess it kind would be except you wouldn't have to put up with the nagging, ne? And you could still be free to go out to your whorehouses!" He smiled. "Just don't let it interfere with my training. I don't want a drunken sensei in the morning."
"Who are they?" The white haired man pointed at the tall blond man the young girl with blue pigtails.
"I'll tell you after you agree." He said evasively.
"Now." Jiraiya said, slamming his beer down. "I'm really getting sick of that response, kid. Tell me now."
"It's very complicated." The man sighed, shoulders slumped. "But not bad complicated. Don't get the wrong idea. They're…my summons."
"But they're humans." Jiraiya looked confused. He didn't sense a henge. He even tried to dispel it.
The little girl giggled. He looked at the little girl again. Something wasn't quite…right about her.
"No, they're just taking human form right now. They're using some of my chakra to do so while we're in town. They like to mingle with the mortals. It amuses them and makes them happy." The tattooed man shrugged.
"Jiraiya. That is Ryuu!" The man pointed to Ryuu who was over looking at Jiraiya's porn collection with great interest. It was the tall blond man.
"Hey pervert…nice collection!" Ryuu said holding up two different movies he seemed to find a liking in.
The young man let out a long-suffering sigh. "And that is Kokoro." The younger man pointed to Kokoro who was sitting sedately on the black couch, reading one of the Icha Icha's that had been left on the coffee table.
The little girl wasn't blushing. The man reached over and took it from her. "Don't read that!" They fought over the book for a second, and then Kokoro turned around and waved at Jiraiya happily, "Moshi moshi!"
Jiraiya found waving his fingers back at the little girl incongruously. This was the weirdest day.
"But…I don't think that's possible…" Jiraiya was saying with a deep frown. "What sort of henge?"
"Ryuu, please return to your form...and make it a smaller form, don't want to freak him out, ne?" The tattooed man said.
"What about me?" Kokoro giggled.
"Ahh…Let's just start with Ryuu first." The young man said anxiously.
Suddenly there was a dragon flying casually in his living room about ten feet long, his wings creating a small breeze in the room. Jiraiya backed up a few steps and looked at the young man then back at Ryuu. He tried in vain to release what he thought was a henge and seemed to be struggling with the rush of knowledge all at once.
"He's a dragon, yes. He's my summon." The young man stated. "He wraps an area genjutsu with my chakra around him to appear as a human. It's not a henge that's why you can't dispel it like a henge. Because it's not a henge."
"A dragon…?" Jiraiya said. "And an area genjutsu? That's clever…" He stared at the two of them.
"Slightly cooler than a sake-drinking toad, I know, but am I'm cursed with a cursing, foul-mouthed dragon that insists on calling me Dolphin. We all have crosses to bear." The young man smiled at the older man who seemed to be accepting Ryuu a little better. His breathing was a little more under control.
"I know Gamabunta, actually." Ryuu said.
"You do?" Jiraiya asked the dragon intriguingly.
"Of course. I am over 500 years old." Ryuu said. "And you should train Dolphin. It is your destiny, mortal. And I do not say such things lightly."
Jiraiya looked slightly mollified.
"What's the little girl do?" Jiraiya asked, pointing at Kokoro. "Is she a dragon, too?"
The young man shook his fist at the man "Damnit, are you going to train me or not? Stop being a goddamn pussy."
"Damnit, kid. You should've known you had me the minute I let you take me away from the whores. You really need to learn to read people better." The older man laughed heartily.
The tattooed man smiled back toothily. "I knew it, but I just wanted to hear you say it."
"Fuck you." Jiraiya growled. "What is your damn name anyways?"
"Umino Iruka." He answered immediately
"Dolphin? Your name actually is dolphin?" He roared with laughter and sipped his beer.
"I don't see what's so funny about it. I can't help what my parent's named me, usuratonkachi." Iruka snapped.
"Che, Iruka, that's Jiraiya-sensei to you." The older man chortled.
Iruka's face flushed with anger but after a few minutes of obvious silent inner silent battle with himself he sighed and went into the kitchen and started going through the kitchen. Jiraiya sat on a barstool and watched him silently.
"Do you have any food in here? Besides beer? And mayo?" Iruka asked.
"Nani?" Jiraiya laughed. "Ano...I don't think so. I usually eat out. Or get take out. Or eat at the whorehouse."
Iruka sighed. "What sort of things do you like to eat? I am a really am a good cook. You name it, I can probably cook it."
He shrugged. "I'll eat pretty much anything. I'm not used to anyone cookin' anything fancy for me."
"Tonight, Jiraiya-sensei. Be home. 7pm. I'll have dinner and sake. I will tell you my story and it is a very good one. You'll even be in it." Iruka paused and scratched the scar on his nose.
He walked over to the door and paused before leaving, one hand on his right hip. "I'm going to the market to buy some groceries. Do you have any requests?"
Jiraiya studied him for a moment the pointed at his wakizashi blade. "Where'd you get that?" He was pointing to the one Itachi had given him.
Iruka frowned. "Why?"
"Just curious." Jiraiya said. "Do you know how to use them?"
"I was ANBU." Iruka paused, and then added. "I have some skill with them, but I will always be learning. A very good friend gave it to me."
Ryuu made kissy noises in the far side of the room. He was back in human form again, facing the other direction looking through porn. Kokoro was giggling.
"Shut up, you dolts. My private life is not fodder for your amusement!" Iruka yelled and shook his fist at them.
"You know it is part of a bridal dowry, right?" Jiraiya said with a leer.
Iruka looked dazed, then looked down at the blade and caressed the hilt of it absently. He closed his eyes. "No, I did not know that."
"Oh, Kami, what did you have to tell him that for, old man?" Ryuu whined. "We just got him finished mooning over Weasel and now he's going to be moping about again!"
"Shut up, Ryuu." Iruka said, feeling his chakra flare up, dangerously, filling the room. Jiraiya even stepped back. "And I wasn't mooning!"
"Whoa there, kid." Jiraiya said calmly. "Take a deep breath. I don't know what's going on but center yourself and restrain your chakra now."
Iruka closed his eyes and started meditating.
Jiraiya watched in amazement as the tattoos on the younger man started to glow and shimmer, then settle down. The room calmed down immediately back into a peaceful calm state. Then Iruka opened his eyes. He shook his head. "I'm sorry about that, Jiraiya-sensei. I'm still...getting a hang of having extra chakra."
"Extra chakra?" Jiraiya scratched the back of his head with a perplexed look on his face.
"Tonight, 7pm." Iruka prompted. "Great story. Better than Icha Icha. It has sex in it, too!"
"Really?" Jiraiya inquired vaguely interested now.
"Yeah, tons." Iruka winked.
"Hot." The old man said, tipping his beer can back, and then tossed the empty can back into the kitchen where it landed with a thud somewhere. Definitely just on the ground and not in a trashcan.
"I'm your student and I'll be cleaning up but I'm not your fucking slave, old man. I expect you to not act like a fucking ape, Teme! Honestly! From now on you will put your beer cans in the trashcan, you hear me? Or I'll chidori your ass next time I find you napping, ne?" Iruka threatened him.
"You know, I think I'm going to like you." Jiraiya said with a broad smile. "Can you get me another beer before you go out, Iruka?"
"Yeah, yeah." Iruka said with a sigh. He opened the refrigerator and tossed the older man a beer, and he caught it easily.
"Did you say chidori?" Jiraiya asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Tonight, 7pm." Iruka said, smiling. "It's in the story."
As Iruka, Ryuu and Kokoro were walking out the door, Jiraiya vaguely heard Ryuu ask Iruka if 'the old man' realized by all the hot sex in the story was going to be gay ninja sex and by their laughter, and the scowl on Jiraiya face, when he overheard this tidbit, no he hadn't realized it was going to be gay sex. Damn it. Although, if it was a good story, he was always a sucker for a good story. He idly wondered if his editor would be up for a new yaoi series about a Pirate. He was very tempted to do something to tease his new student, and if the guy didn't read his books, well, it's not like he would ever know, right?