Chapter Twenty-One: Illusions

"In my beginning is my end."
- T.S. Elliot

Jiraiya paused to survey the destruction of Konoha before him. Over the past years he had spent apart from his home he had always assumed he would arrive to the gates of Leaf with them intact. This was very disturbing. The party had seen the glowing red fires and smelled the ashy smoke from the distance; but seeing the dead shinobi was staggering. Konoha's welcoming gate laying in a few pieces in the tall green grass; torn asunder from some recent massive attack. Alarm raced through him. He shared a brief glance with Ryuu who stood next to him unspeaking.

"What the hell is this, Jiraiya?" Tsunade exclaimed as she looked around, her blond pony-tails on either side of her face swinging angrily as she planted her fists on her hips.

He glanced at her and sighed. Leave it to Hime to think that this was some sort of set up to merely inconvenience her day. She had complained the whole way back from Tanzaku. It was too cold, too hot, the road too long, there were pebbles in her zori, how much further, could they stop and get more sake, could they stop and gamble, could they stop and get something hot to eat? Her friend Shizune and the little pig she seemed to always be holding, Tonton, were quiet and meek in comparison. Jiraiya didn't mind the two of them at all. No, scratch that, he wouldn't mind a rampaging hippopotamus compared to Tsunade and her demands. Fuck the woman was sexy as hell but she was annoying! He always glossed over that fact in his memories.

"It appears as if there has been fighting recently Tsunade," Ryuu said.

"No shit," Tsunade growled as she walked over and kicked one of the pieces of the gate. The gate flew a few feet and landed with a thud. "And the award for stating the obvious goes to Ryuu," She glanced over at Jiraiya, and then pointed at the blond man in his green and white haori. "Where did you pick up this one, Ji-Ji? I think he's a few kunai short of a full weapon's pouch."

Ryuu looked mildly offended and huffed indignantly.

Jiraiya chuckled and scratched his chin. "Well, he's a little more than meets the eye..."

Shizune followed behind them carrying Tonton and looking frightened. "Shouldn't we be a little more concerned?" The pig whined and snorted in her arms, its little arms wiggling slightly.

"I don't want to rush headlong into anything without thinking it through," Jiraiya said tapping the side of his head while glancing around him at the dead. He was sad to note they were Konoha shinobi's and Leaf citizens. The odd thing is he didn't see any enemy bodies. Jiraiya frowned and glanced around him.

"Well that would be a first for you," Tsunade retorted and marched over to one of the dead bodies which was moaning loudly and thrashing under one of the pieces of the gate.

"Oh!" Shizune yelped, "There is a survivor, Tsunade," She walked over to the moaning Leaf citizen since she was the closest person, and set Tonton down. The little pig snorted unhappily and hid behind her leg. She tried unsuccessfully to try and pull off the piece of gate but it was obviously too heavy. She glanced down at the survivor but there...was just something off about him.

"Just a minute, Shizune," Tsunade said with a puckered brow. She examined the pinned survivor who was staring at them with his eyes open unnaturally wide and glassy, who kept opening and closing his mouth moaning. The survivor was slightly foaming at the mouth, jutting his head forward rabidly almost, very eager to bite. He grunted and growled, moving under the gate impatiently, skin a pallid grayish color.

Tsunade put her sandaled foot on the survivor's throat so that he couldn't bite her and managed to examine him closer. She peered in his eyes, used a kunai to look in his mouth even as he tried to bite her, she placed two fingers along his pulse point and then grunted disgustedly and pushed away from him after a few minutes. She stood up, straightened her pigtails with a delicate finger then lifted her leg, infused some chakra into her foot and decapitated the survivor with a forceful stomp of her teal zori.

"Yeesh," She pouted prettily and stepped away and wiped the bottom of her shoe on some nearby grass. "And I just got a pedicure."

"Hell of a lady," Jiraiya sighed with a small smile.

"Don't be perverted," Tsunade groused. She picked up Tonton and handed over the pig to Shizune.

"Have you ever seen anything like this before?" Ryuu inquired as he walked over and examined the decapitated head.

Tsunade sighed and looked troubled. "It is the Impure World Resurrection Summoning. I did not believe it was something-" She stopped herself and looked at him. "You told me Orochimaru was dead," She sighed and looked angry again. "I guess you heard wrong, Ji-Ji."

"Ne, Hime," Jiraiya shook his head, "Orochimaru is dead. I saw it with my own eyes."

Her brown eyes squinted dangerously and she pointed at the now dead-again Leaf citizen. "Well, Jiraiya, that survivor puts that little theory to shreds. Because as far as I know; no one else knows how to do that jutsu!"

Ryuu held his hands up, "Tsunade, wait until we talk to Dolphin. I don't remember anything about zombies in his stories of the future but sometimes he can get a little long-winded so maybe I dozed off," the blond man flashed a grin. "Don't tell him I said that, okay?"

Jiraiya grinned and they began to walk further into town, signally for the group to follow him. "Team Icha Icha Zombie, head out! Hands and feet keep them attached to your bodies and do not, I repeat, do not get bit!"

Tsunade snorted, "I'm not following behind you if you're calling this group that."

"By all means, walk in front of me. I'd love to check your ass out," he said opening his mouth before he thought.

She slapped him but her heart must not have been in it because he only stumbled slightly. If Tsunade had been truly angry, he would've flown across the street. He leered inwardly. So fucking hot.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Anko spread her legs and wrapped them around Ibiki's waist, feeling him slide a hot hand up her inner thigh, trailing one finger at a time. She moaned slightly as he bit painfully on her ear, not quite drawing blood. He was very good at torturing her.

"Mitarashi," he chastised. "You messed up this paperwork on my desk. I just had it organized..."

She reached her hand into his pants and wrapped her hand around his dick.

"Uhhh it sounds like I've been a very naughty jonin, Ibiki-san," Anko grinned. "Punish me."

"I think you need to learn proper respect for your superiors, Mitarashi. I am your commanding officer," Ibiki growled and she felt something cold and metallic teasing along her leg, sliding upwards. A kunai. Oh god, she couldn't suppress the shudder that coursed through her.

"Then command me, Ibiki-san. What do you want?" She purred in his ear.

That's when they heard the explosion. Was she a bad kunoichi, but her first thought - was that the microwave in the break room had exploded again. But honestly, Shiranui had tried to re-heat his coffee the other day and left his senbon 'stir-stick' in the cup and when it exploded the microwave; Iruka had nearly gone postal on the man. Actually Anko had nearly let him; it would've been amusing and entertaining. But it is definitely more painful for Shiranui to be the paperwork bitch for Izumo and Kotetsu on the mission desk for the next two weeks. Iruka had only been barely placated but it was apparent that he held grudges; Anko didn't say anything but she had been asked to make a note of it in Umino's personality file.

So when she was making out with her sexy boss-man, and she heard the loud detonation, she thought Shiranui was just fucking with Iruka again. But Ibiki was running out of the room and the building was shaking in a way that was just...not natural. That's when she realized that she was just not getting enough sleep lately. That prisoner! She smacked her head and raced to follow Ibiki out of the room down the corridor towards the holding cell where he was being kept. Anko raced past others that were running away from that direction, some running toward that direction. There were more sounds of additional explosions and the building shook again and she heard screams. She could smell smoke now.

"Get some water! Put these fires out!" she hollered and ordered an ANBU that was just standing there looking stupid.

Now she remembered, of course. Anko completely blamed her recently lack of sleep, fantasies about Ibiki and really bad nutrition. She had been on a crash diet and had been eating nothing but cabbage and dango for three weeks. She really needed sex and some protein, now that she thought about it. Kuso! This was definitely affecting her mental capacities. The prisoner, Deidara, had been part of Iwagakure's Explosion Corps. This had to be connected somehow. She raced around the corner to where the holding cells should be but instead found nothing but a gaping hole and a pile of rubble.

She could barely make out a conversation above the din of explosions, shouts and falling rocks.

"Baka, you used the wrong C4, yeah!" Deidara sneered.

A slender red-headed man stood next to Deidara who was wearing a black cloak covered with red clouds. He was expressionless in the face of the escaping man's insult. He handed him a bag.

"What happened to your hair?" The red haired man asked as they climbed onto a giant clay bird, and started to fly away.

"Shut up, yeah," Deidara responded. Or at least that's what Anko thought she heard but it was hard to hear as the bird was gaining altitude and they were up pretty high.

She stood next to Ibiki as they both watched it for a moment in silence.

"I thought I hit him with a senbon," Ibiki said with a gruff sigh. "I guess not."

"It's confusing and there is a lot of smoke," Anko looked around. "Did anyone else get free or just Deidara?"

Ibiki glanced down at her and clenched his fists, and pushed away from her. "Please report this to the Hokage immediately while I do damage control."

She nodded briefly and turned to transport to the Hokage's offices. Anko wanted to comfort him that it wasn't his fault that the prisoner escaped, that there was nothing he could've done. That Ibiki was going to do everything in his power to get the man back. But that wasn't their relationship. They didn't say things like that. Anko opened her mouth for one second to comfort him, and then closed it. She reached over and punched him in the shoulder instead. He looked over and seemed to interpret the gesture for what it was and nodded once in his curt manner.

"Get going before I have to dock your pay, Mitarashi," Ibiki growled.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Pakkun was annoyed. In general, life as Hatake Kakashi's summon was trying, but this was just downright irritating. Ne – really damn infuriating. His paws were over halfway up to his chest in mud and they had spent the last eleven hours hiking through mud. A very smelly, squishy mud. Why the man thought it was necessary to summon him for this particular mission, he wasn't exactly sure. He glanced back and forth between Kakashi and his younger companions. He didn't trust the pink one. That color is just not natural.

Kakashi himself was the only member not covered in mud; he must be using a small amount of chakra to repel it. Sasuke was losing a battle against the mire as he carefully tried walk on top of the mud with chakra, but Naruto was splashing the mud about heedlessly. Sakura had a sour look on her face, as she looked to have worn a very fetching dress, which was now wilted, creased and streaked with brackish black mud. Naruto was completely covered in mud, only his face and hair not tracked in the bracken sludge. The blond Jinchuriki was the only one actually smiling, though. Pakkun was a little disturbed by this, although the demon vessel always troubled him in various ways.

"Boss, why did you summon me again?" Pakkun inquired, titling his head and looking from Kakashi to the member's of his team.

"Maa..." Kakashi flapped his hand back and forth. "You are here to track snails!"

Here? Pakkun glanced around and sniffed carefully. They were in a fire swamp within the heart of Fire Country. Nothing but deep mud as far as his bulbous round eyes could see in any direction. The croaking faint sound of frogs could be heard adding to the background noise as well as the drone of cicadas and nameless large insects. The scent of sulfur was almost distractingly overpowering.

Pakkun growled and picked up one paw out of the soggy mud. "Have you been drinking, Boss?"

"We were given a very important A-Class mission, dattebayo!" Naruto exclaimed and did a fist pump.

"To collect snails?" Pakkun inquired a little skeptically and looked back at his master. "That just seems a little farfetched. Collecting snails sounds more like a D-Rank to me. Kakashi what is-"

Kakashi nudged him with a muddy foot. "Mutt, be quiet."

"I'm tired and hungry," Naruto complained as they walked.

"Shut up, Naruto," Sakura said.

Naruto made a face, "Aren't you sick of walking on an empty stomach, Sakura?"

"I'm sick of hearing you whine every two minutes!" she yelled.

"Sasuke, do you have any tomatoes in your pockets?" Naruto asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Were you dropped on your head as a child?" Sasuke asked, then reached over and smacked him upside the back of his head.

"Teme!" Naruto contemplated as he rubbed the back of his head, "Actually...maybe?"

Kakashi smiled and started reading as he walked. "Children are so gratifying. It really touches me, sometimes."

Pakkun growled at his master and trudged forward a few more feet with the group until there was a volatile muddy burping a few feet away, then a large fiery blast erupted causing Naruto to jump away in fright and hid behind Sasuke, inadvertently causing him to slip and fall onto his backside into large swampy quagmire.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun let me help you up!" Sakura exclaimed and reached over with her hand.

"Teme, why did you fall in there?" Naruto inquired, looking around in a clueless manner. He blinked a few times and scratched his whiskered cheek. "It looks kinda cold and it smells really awful, dattebayo." Then his eyes widened and he pointed his finger excitedly. "Sasuke, you are a genius!"

"Dobe, what are you prattling on about now?" Sasuke swatted Sakura's hand away in annoyance, concentrating on breathing through his mouth.

Kakashi walked over and was putting away his little book into his flak jacket. He smiled his curved one-eye smile and tilted his head to one side. "Great work, Sasuke!"

Pakkun waddled over and sat next to the side of the swamp that Sasuke was struggling to pull himself up of. Sakura leaned over and tried to reach around and tried assist the Uchiha, who accidentally elbowed her in the nose when he rejected her helping hand. She reared back in pain, blood squirting out of as she yelped.

Naruto rushed over to comfort her and Sakura punched him for his efforts. Naruto reached up and held onto his nose as it leaked blood, whimpering slightly.

"Maa..." Kakashi scratched the back of his head and looked uncomfortable in the situation. "Kids."

"Boss, whoever put you in charge of children should have their head examined," Pakkun groused.

Sasuke finally managed to climb out of the mire unaided, was now fully coated in an olive-colored slimy mud. He huffed, slightly out of breath on the bank and turned his head to the side, perched up on his elbows. He picked up a hand full of the snails that were lying on the side of swamp. Sasuke began pelting them at Naruto with what must be a painful accuracy, as they were hitting him in the middle of his forehead.

"Teme!" Naruto yelped and held up his arms in a protective gesture. "Not the hairdo!"

"What hairdo?" Sasuke shot back.

"Nani?" Naruto yelled and tried to pelt back a snail, but he was too busy covering his flank to aim properly. "Ano...your hair looks like a duck ass."

"You're an idiot," Sasuke said with a small smirk and continued to bombard snails at his blond teammate.

In the distance another explosive burp shot up in the mud. Kakashi sighed and looked down at Pakkun who shrugged his little doggy shoulders.

"Sakura, if you're through having your tantrum...can you pick up some of those snails? We do need them for this mission and I'm afraid the Naruto is going to trample all of them," Kakashi asked.

"I could be seriously injured, Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura pouted as she poked at her own nose delicately since everyone seemed to have forgotten about her.

"Are you?" Kakashi looked over at her with an eyebrow raised. Pakkun smiled his doggy grin at her.

Sakura's shoulders slumped in defeat. "No."

"Then pick up the snails. Chop, chop. We don't have all day," Kakashi waved his hand at her, gestured at the snails on the ground, and then took out his book and started reading again.

Pakkun snorted as he watched her begin to gather up the odiferous snails in the end of her skirt as she walked around the still arguing Sasuke and Naruto, who seemed to be oblivious to her task.

"Boss, exactly why is this A-rank?" Pakkun inquired.

"Well, a little it is a fire swamp," Kakashi explained while he turned a page in his book. "And I've heard rumors of quite large rabid squirrels in this might be skulking about."

"Rabid squirrels, Boss?" Pakkun looked up at his master sideways. Was the jonin mental? Too much stress? Maybe it was time to have him evaluated.

"They can be quite ferocious," Kakashi ignored the pointed look, his silver hair swaying in the wind and appeared very interested in the page he was reading.

"Kakashi," Pakkun started with a patient tone.

"Rabies is very dangerous," the copy-nin begun and reached his foot over to step on the pug's paw, silencing his question.

"Are you touched in the head, Boss?" Pakkun asked while scratching some of the dried flaking mud of himself.

"Pakkun, go track some snails and cease being disrespectful."

"Why exactly did you summon me, again?" Pakkun asked in a vague manner that reminds him of his brother Shiba. He knew repeating the same question repeatedly annoyed Kakashi and if he was stuck on this irritating mission with these brats, then he was going to amuse himself annoying Boss.

"Pakkun are you not man's best friend?" Kakashi smiled in a feral manner.

"Ne, Boss that would be a golden retriever. I am one of the few, the proud, Lordly Ninken's," the pug nodded and turned up his nose at his master.

Sasuke snickered as he and Sakura walked over and presented some of the snails to Pakkun. Naruto came up behind them, talking excitedly and loudly. A loud burp of swamp gas exploded somewhere off in the distance.

"I get credit for finding the snails, dattebayo!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Hn," Sasuke said with a glare.

"If Sasuke hadn't fallen in the swamp because of me, then we wouldn't have seen them," the Jinchuriki began explaining by using a full body reenactment of Sasuke clumsily falling into the swamp and pointing at the now-mud-covered Uchiha who was not appreciating this revisionist history version of events.

"Dobe, you have the brain the size of a goldfish," Sasuke deadpanned.

Sakura took a hesitant step forward towards Pakkun, her hands full of slimy, pungent snails.

"Pakkun, can you carry some of these snails on your back? I can't fit any more in my weapon's pouch," Sakura asked politely.

"I am a ninken, not a pack mule," Pakkun complained.

"Pakkun, have team spirit," Kakashi suggested with a grand gesture.

"Ne, why don't you carry them, oh great fearless leader?" the ninken suggested slyly.

Kakashi was suddenly holding a large piece of paper in his hands, "Because I have to carry the map."

Pakkun grunted and nodded to his doggy head to the pink-haired kunoichi. It wasn't as if he didn't already smell like crap from the mud. What were a few more snails going to add to his already pungent odor?

"Fine, Boss," Pakkun relented. "But I want a T-bone steak for my efforts today."

"Maa..." Kakashi waved at him and started to turn away.

"A least eight ounces this time!" Pakkun amended.

Kakashi smiled behind his mask and put his hand to his chest in a gesture imitating hurt. "I would never try to trick or deceive my most loyal servant...?"

Pakkun snorted. "Eight ounces, real cow beef, Kakashi. No genjutsu this time."

He waddled behind Boss and was about to continue pointing out previous methods Kakashi had backed out on his promises to provide steak for him or his brothers, when the wind shifted. Pakkun sniffed the hair with his sensitive nose. Kakashi turned his face into the breeze and cocked his head to one side just as he flung the map to the ground and jumped backwards narrowly missing a flying projectile.

A missing-nin already appeared in the clearing with piercing green eyes and wearing a mask on his face. The black Akatsuki cloak swirled around his shoulders.

The kunai, however, did not fall to the ground harmlessly. It flew through the air and imbedded itself into the chest of Naruto. Sakura shouted out a warning but it was too late. Sasuke's eyes were on missing-nin.

"Naruto, no!" Sakura screeched as she reached for him.

Naruto made a great show of falling to the ground crying out in agony, wailing in pain. But his cries were cut off as his form was dispelled in a puff of grey smoke.

Kakashi turned to the Akatsuki member, pulling a kunai out of his pouch and pushing up his hitai-ate to uncover his sharingan.

"Sharingan no Kakashi, your bounty is worth a lot in the bingo book," the Akatsuki member spoke. "It's a pity the jinchuriki was merely a clone but I'll take you for the money."

"I'm afraid, Kakuzu, that today may not be your lucky day," Kakashi said as he twirled the kunai in his hand.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Madara turned to him, his pale face very clear in the light of the moonlight shining from the window.

"I'm going to lie to you," he said to them quietly. Madara stood, still slouched in the doorway in a vulgar imitation of a friendly conversation.

Iruka stood next to Itachi; he wanted to reach out and touch him, to take him far away from this place but he knew the futility of the gesture.

"I'm going to show you illusions," Madara continued as he straightened up and looked past Iruka at Itachi. "Illusions hidden within an illusion and lies hidden within the truth. And therefore when I tell you that I'm lying upfront, it's not really a lie."

"I'm being honest, right? What is the point of secrets with family, Itachi-kun?" he said with a small laugh that grated against Iruka's nerves. The laugh vibrated like an ugly sound, like someone squeezing his windpipe with a thought.

Iruka kept his eyes trained on Madara. This man lived in a hell of his own deluded self-importance. He missed the point of life around him. Madness was too kind a word for what he was. In a way he was glad the Uchiha elder finally came because he was sick of the waiting; sick of the guessing game. Iruka's whole life led up to this moment – to this purpose. It was absolutely crucial he not falter in this time and place. He was tired of hiding his secret soul, this second life. No matter what the outcome of this night, everything was going to change.

He felt better, infinitely lighter somehow knowing that there was no denying this moment. The final encounter was here for good or worse. Iruka could feel his horrible burden shuffling off his shoulders, for this terrible purpose that had guided his life, stained his consciousness was washing away.

"Did you come here to wax philosophical, Madara, or to fight?" Iruka spat.

Iruka felt Itachi's eyes flicker on him, but he didn't spare a glance. He kept his eyes trained on Madara. The man glared at him, annoyed at having his soliloquy interrupted.

Madara straightened and took two steps into the room.

"Umino. You have been a thorn in my side for far too long. I think it's time you learned exactly what a being a true Uchiha is all about," he said.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Kokoro sat on Hidan's shoulders, her two blue pigtails blowing in the slight wind behind her. They were standing on top of the Hokage Monument. She gazed over the chaos below and felt only a slight tinge of sorrow. Konoha was not her home, but she was sad for Iruka and for her new friends. They would be saddened of the fires that were burning in the city, the damage that was wrought to the place that they loved so much. She knew this was exactly what Iruka had been trying so desperately to avoid through all his planning and maneuvering.

Kokoro sighed and yanked on Hidan's ear.

"Oi! What the fuck was that for?" Hidan groused.

"No reason," Kokoro giggled.

"You're annoying," Hidan reached up and tried to swat her but she moved and pulled on his hair painfully.

"Bitch!" He yelped. "Quit that! We are trying to be inconspicuous."

"Then so complaining and take it like a masochist!" Kokoro giggled again.

"Can I come out from behind the Transparent Escape Technique jutsu now? I'm bored-ttebayo," a disembodied voice pouted from the air next to them.

"I think that would defeat the point of the whole thing," Kokoro stated. "And stop talking!"

The invisible voice groaned and then there was a sound of crinkling fabrics, possibly someone sitting on the ground.

"You got told," Hidan sneered. "Believe that."

"Be nice or I'll tell Harbinger on you," Kokoro threatened sweetly and then yanked on Hidan's hair again.

…

A/N: Please Review ^_^ This chapter dedicated to anyone who actually reads and reviews.

Because YES, I actually updated something! FUCK YEAH! No, I didn't abandon it. Never was going to…It's just life got in the way. Sorry, I got a really crazy job, and then there this twitter thing…it's a long story. But yes, I promise updates soon for this and also "It's Always Sunny in Konoha" if you also read that. And some other One-Shot's I'm working on. ^_^