Chapter Three

(Tony)

The walls were pressing in on me. I swallowed and found it hard to even find saliva to lubricate my parched mouth, my tongue felt like sandpaper. And as much as I tried to fight it, I ended up becoming dizzy, feeling as if I was fainting from the overheated space.

'Gibbs', I said in a low voice and began to sob, not even thinking about being a sissy as I sat there on my knees, 'help me, boss. I'm dying.'

'Like he's gonna hear you with the way you're talking', Vault said smiling and he sat down on the floor in front of me, his eyes wild and wide. 'What would he pay for you, Anthony: his life, money, or would he let you die?' And then he waited…and began to laugh that wild laugh again.

I couldn't think about it, couldn't think about anything right then. Fuck. And then the door to my far right, the one that Vault had dragged me down into this shit hole, it shook. I saw from beneath it shadows of light moving, but my eyes were burning terribly so I looked away. They had found me. I sighed deeply and heard voices outside.

It was then that Vault took up the gun and pointed it at me. I immediately felt so weak when I heard the click and without fighting I slumped sideways, curling like a fetus on the cold concrete floor. He was going to shoot me, and Gibbs was right outside the door trying to find out how the hell to detonate the bomb.

'Say goodbye to your fantasy lover, Gibbs', he said and I heard the gun go off.

My entire body convulsed as the bullet ripped through my left side just below my ribs. And I howled his name loud, then squeezed my eyes shut and prepared to die.

oOoOoOo

(Gibbs)

Ziva was just about to cut the correct wire according to her when the gun was fired. And on the first shot, my blood went cold. My knees grew weak and I couldn't breathe. I grabbed out at the wall and felt as if someone was pressing down hard on my chest.

'Gibbs!' he shouted from below. And when I heard Tony's voice, tears came to my eyes. I fought to breathe.

Immediately Ziva completed cutting the wire, and she reached out to grab me before I fell to the ground hard. I used the wall to brace myself and found myself diverting my eyes from hers because they were becoming moist with tears.

'Gibbs', she whispered, looking into my eyes. 'Gibbs, we still have time. We can take him down.'

I got up and steadied myself, then reached up to knead my eyes with my fingertips.

'Boss, be strong. Come on, we can do this. We can save him, yes?'

I found it hard to believe that we could but I looked straight into her eyes and saw determination in them. Placing my grip steady on my gun, I nodded, breathed in and took my mark to the left of the door whilst she took the right. The other officer along with another stood in front, ready to bust the door open and ambush Vault.

I nodded to the officer but as he kicked the door open, and as it went flying, another gunshot went off below. Without thinking, I went in fast with my eyes darting all over for Vault. And even before I could fire the first shot, Ziva found him ducking in a corner.

'He's gone', Vault sang smiling. 'The boy who loved his boss with all his heart is dead.'

And without waiting, Ziva took the shot, firing four times into his chest and as I watched him fall the floor, my eyes then moved to rest on my agent on the floor. Immediately I ran to him, fell to the floor and grabbed his face with one sweaty hand.

'Tony', I said as Ziva bent down beside him, assessing his wounds.

'Gibbs he has been shot two times: in the left side and', she took out a cellphone from Tony's pants pocket using her fingers, her eyes wide and surprised.

I only stared at it, my fingers brushing over Tony's lips then his face. And I couldn't believe what I was seeing because it could only be a once in a while occurrence to be saved from a bullet only to have it find itself wedged in the middle of your cellphone.

'Unbelievable', she said smiling but then her eyes moved to the floor under Tony and she immediately frowned. 'He has lost a lot of blood. The Paramedics!' she shouted.

The officers nodded, assuring us that they were on their way. And as they did a cold gush of air rushed in through the basement door and rested itself upon us, swirling around Ziva then myself. It felt like the spirit of the dead rushing in to mock me, tell me that I should be happy DiNozzo had missed his chance this time, but next time he would never be lucky enough. Death felt cheated. And as I knelt there next to my agent, my number one agent, the one that I had fell for since he tackled me to the floor in Baltimore, I couldn't help but believe that Tony was going to die even if.

'Gibbs', Tony whispered and my eyes met his as he forced to open them. They were bloodshot and filled with tears. And for the first time since we had known each other, I looked at Tony with love, desire, my eyes moved over his lips, then to his neck and I allowed my fingers to brush against his temples. And he looked back understanding what that look meant.

At first his eyes registered shock, and then it was gone as he strained to fight the pain in his side, convulsing as nausea overwhelmed him. And I leant down, my face near his ear. I then rested my cheek against his and rubbed mine next to his softly, fingering his sweat soaked hair as I did.

'DiNozzo', I fought to whisper the words, as Ziva moved away obviously wanting to give us privacy. I admired her for that.

'Gibbs, I –'

'Don't slip away', I whispered cutting him off, as I found myself dying to press my lips against his. 'Stay with me, Tony.'

'I can't –' he whispered hoarsely. 'The pain…my chest', and he reached up to hold onto my hand, and squeezed it, moaning from a wave of pain.

'Keep talking to me, say anything', I said resting both my hands on either side of his face. My hands were cold and his face was terribly warm.

He breathed in painfully and then out, then looked into my eyes. 'I…love you, Gibbs', he whispered and breathed in sharply, 'I always…have…ask, Abby.'

I smiled at his reference to Abby but even felt my heart melt more when he fought against all odds to admit his feelings for me. And silently I took my right thumb and rubbed it softly across his lips, allowing the tip to gently move his dry lips apart so that I could intimately caress him, to find his tongue. Immediately he responded to my touch, lifting his hand to rest his palm upon my chest and then his fingers lightly raked their way down, leaving tingling trails along my shirt.

'Love you too, D', I whispered and felt dread creep through me as his eyes slowly closed shut. 'DiNozzo', I said lightly squeezing his arm, and rubbing his cheek, his eyes. 'Tony!'

'Move aside Agent Gibbs', a woman said behind me and I was gently moved aside as a female paramedic bent down to assess Tony's situation. I remained where I was, hoping that he'd open his eyes at least for me to know that he was alright. But none of that came.

Instead I just watched as if as an outsider as they lifted him unto a stretcher, an IV drip attached to his arm. And with a padding wrapped around his midsection, they fetched him out. It was then that I just found myself fighting to breathe again so up I struggled then staggered out into the yard, feeling Ziva's eyes on me.

When I was out in the open, the sky greying from an upcoming thunderstorm, I sat down upon a worn out wooden school bench and rested my head in my hands. Then I began to sob, not cry because tears accompanied crying. But none came as I anguished myself with his memories, his eyes closing and his body convulsing from pain as he lay there in my arms and he whispered that he loved me.

My chest ached and slowly I felt the tears come, realizing that I had not cried this way since Shannon and Kelly died. And times after when their death anniversaries came I'd just solemnly mourn without crying, but I did cry for Tony there and then.

'Gibbs', I heard Ziva quietly whisper and I heard the rustle of leaves as her boots moved through them and she sat next to me. 'He is alive but has gone unconscious.' And there was silence as she waited, watched me shake. 'I am sorry.'

I didn't answer her but just sat there, feeling terribly embarrassed that I was in this state in front of my agent. And I wanted nothing more than for Ziva to leave me alone at that time. I wanted her to just go because I was exposing a very vulnerable side of me and it was not mundane.

'I am not going anywhere, Gibbs so if you think that I am leaving you here, you can…sock it.'

I had to smile when she said that and then removing my hands from my face, I looked up at the trees in front of me forming a cluster of forest. And then I diverted my eyes to her. Before I knew what she was doing, Ziva moved forward and threw her arms around me, embracing me tightly.

'He will be alright, Gibbs', she whispered against my neck and just thinking about how she was comforting me, and thinking about Tony at the same time made me break up once more.

'Ziva…'

'I am here, Gibbs, to comfort you.'

And she held me there for a very long time until my cellphone rang and Abby demanded to know where I was and why my voice was hoarse.

oOoOoOo

(Tony)

I was standing in an open space that stretched miles and miles around me. And all I could see was white. In retrospect, nothing made sense to me and I did not know who I was or where the fuck I was.

But as I stood there long enough, I tried to speak only to find that I had no voice. And quickly I like reached up to touch my throat and felt myself as cold as ice. Immediately I panicked, began to walk, spinning in circles until I grew dizzy. And I fell to the floor on my knees.

'Tony.'

Lifting my eyes, Gibbs materialized in front of me about ten feet away. And I not only felt but heard my heartbeat in my chest as I fixed my eyes on his. Everything about him attracted me, attracted my attention. The way he dressed in his tailored suits, his army cut salt and pepper hair, those blue eyes that always felt as if he could mentally strip down every bit of anyone as he observed them.

I tried to speak but I couldn't. And I began to wave my hands frantically in front of me, beckoning him to come forth. But he just stood there without even moving, flinching.

'DiNozzo, Shannon…she's dead', and even from this far I could see the tears trail down his cheek as he spoke. 'Shannon, Tony…she's dead'. I couldn't remember the last time he had spoken about her to me and found it very shocking and unexpected as he mentioned her name like that.

' I can't live without her. I want to kill myself. I can't do it.' And he lifted his hand to wipe his face, and then reached to his side.

In shock I watched as Gibbs took his gun from his waist holster and he pulled back the top. The click rang like a bullet through the silence, making my skin crawl, and my nerves stand on edge. He was not going to do it. I don't think he would do that in front of me.

'She's gone', he whispered and lifted the gun to point it at his right temple, 'take over for me when I'm gone. You were always my very special agent, always the one who had my back. 'On your six, boss'', he said imitating me and he laughed. 'And now, when I've finally found someone else to fill Shannon's place, I can't have that person. Do ya know how it feels, DiNozzo?'

He waited on me to answer but I couldn't because I could not find my voice. Where was this coming from? Where the fuck was I and why was Gibbs about to commit suicide in front of me? I didn't understand any of it and wondered if I had somehow found my way in a place where I could never escape from. It scared me. I felt terribly anguished to hear him speak like that.

'…to love someone and ya can't have them?' Gibbs then stepped towards me, and I couldn't help but fantasize about touching him, feeling his skin beneath the tip of my fingers as I trailed them along his chest then down, down to feel him between my fingers. 'And to find out that you can't stop…ya can't stop because it…hurts…it fucks me up…you fuck me up every god damn day, every second, every time I see your face, smell your…Perry Ellis.' He continued to step towards me, the gun still at his temple.

'…I want to touch you, DiNozzo.'

My breath caught in my throat and I found myself fighting to breathe as images of me making love to him flooded my mind.

'But what would Shannon think? She'd think I was being mean. How would she hate me for finding love again though?' And he was two feet away from me now. 'DiNozzo I want to kiss you until we are both lost not caring about the fucking world around us. I want to make love to you, you to make love to me and I want to wake up in your arms, you in mine…'

I tried to get up but my legs gave way on me and I fell back down.

'DiNozzo I want you. I can't live without you. I have never…never wanted another man as much as I want you and it scares me. Please help me understand…this', he whispered, and I watched as he tried to fight back losing control before me. 'I'm half myself without you. I want to know what it feels like to love you and have you love me back, Tony.' And I began to cry but no tears came.

'Come to me. DiNozzo, wake up. Wake up, please, Tony.'

I couldn't help myself as Gibbs' figure began to move away from me and the ground began to move as well. And even though I tried to fight it and to get up, to run to him, the distance between us expanded as he moved further and further away.

'DiNozzo don't leave me. Come back to me. Don't leave me like Shannon did…I can't face it again and I swear…I'm going to kill myself if you leave me. I cannot live…'

oOoOoOo

(Ziva)

'…half alive. I can't live without you, DiNozzo.'

I almost did step in the room but stopped at the threshold when I heard him whisper those words to Tony lying on the bed in a coma. Immediately tears came to my eyes as I listened to him, my boss, Gibbs who I had known for so long and had come to know him being the person that would never allow that side of him show…

It pained me, shocked me to come to terms with all of this because within the past two days I had seen and learnt so much about Gibbs, more than I could digest. And as I had sat with Abby and McGee just hours before, telling them everything, from when we had that talk in the car to when I embraced Gibbs….I couldn't believe it. He was so in love with DiNozzo, so deeply in love with him that no amount of words could describe it all.

And now I finally realized why he had told me in the car that you cannot fight love, no matter what because that was what this was. Gibbs had been holding this inside for over seven years now and I had not known many people like him to do that. It made me believe that he was stronger, and much more deserving of understanding than anyone else in my life. And even though I used to have feelings for Tony, I was prepared to let Gibbs have him. After seeing what I saw and hearing those words, seeing the look on Gibbs' face and how Tony looked at him. That was love. That was something that no one should ever throw away.

I turned around silently, looking one more time to see him take Tony's hand into his, and then I joined Abby and McGee in the waiting room. Abby was crying up to now into McGee's shoulder and as the latter saw me enter the room, his eyes asked me how was Tony.

'He's still…' Abby looked up, 'Gibbs is still with him…' and I sat next to them, feeling uncertain of myself as if I should be doing something but I did not know what I was supposed to do right then.

'Gibbs', Abby said, her voice cracked and she sniffed, her eyes red. 'Ziva, Gibbs…and Tony, his heart is broken…he was crying. Gibbs never cries.' McGee held her closer as she strained to keep herself composed. 'Tony…if Tony…dies -'

'Abby don't –'

'…Gibbs will never be the same again. Don't shush me, Timmy. He will never be the same again and you both know it!' and she sniffed again. 'Do you know what it must be for him to have loved Tony all these years? All this time? And hiding it from us, from anyone! And when we all thought it was Shannon he was grieving over, it was him believing that he could never have what he wanted?'

I pulled my chair up closer to theirs and wrapped my arms around McGee and Abby at the same time, nuzzling my face into her hair. McGee placed his arm around me and rubbed my back. It was then that I began to silently cry, for since I was small I was always good at crying silently, never wanting anyone to know of my weaknesses when they arose.

And we stayed like that for a long while. Minutes went by, until I opened my eyes and saw Gibbs standing in front of us. His eyes were red and his face moist.

'You guys…go home…I'll stay with…him', he said softly and immediately Abby sprang up.

'Gibbs!' she cried running to him and throwing her arms around him. 'Oh Gibbs!'

'Abby…'

'I'm staying', she demanded.

'So am I', I said and I looked at McGee.

'I am too', he said without hesitating.

And it was then that we all got up and went forth to hug Gibbs, wishing that Tony could join us as well.