Ok so another chapter for those of you who are still reading this...Enjoy =)
Memories of a life together part 11- I'm Not Giving Up
It had gone midnight and Jane Rizzoli stood outside this one particular house staring at the door, willing herself to just raise her hand and knock. She had a key but it felt wrong to go inside considering how she had last left the house. It had been three long days since she had last stepped foot inside; one argument having left her filled with nothing but guilt and loneliness, yet it was her own god dam pride and stubbornness that had kept her away for this long. Looking back it should never had even happened, it had just been a matter of bad timing with Jane reacting the wrong way when her wife had merely stated the truth; she had been absent too much and neglected those she loved most. Now here Jane was paying the price for her actions; yes she was a homicide detective, a female trying to hold her own amongst the men, but she was also a wife and mother desperately trying to do right by her family.
She idly scuffed her foot along the ground as she tried in vain to organise the thoughts running through her head. The weather outside was bitter, colder than she remembered Boston ever being and with no lights on inside the detective had begun to wonder whether this was such a good idea after all. However something needed to be done because without Maura in her life Jane felt lost, empty even.
It was often said that some would rather die than cause another person pain, Jane was one of those people and after witnessing the hurt and anger within Maura, she was in turmoil. They had had arguments in the past, many before they even became a couple and even now they occasionally cropped up in work but rarely would they ever argue at home. The detective could clearly remember what happened the last time they did but it was almost over as soon as it had begun.
"Jane you can't ignore me, we need to discuss this."
"There's nothing to talk about, I was doing my job like I always do Maura, end of."
The smaller woman turned quickly in response, uncharacteristically letting out a small scream as she tried to deal with the frustration she was feeling.
"Yes but you were reckless Jane! You were told to wait for backup but instead you go and directly put yourself in harm's way. What if the perp had a knife or even worse a gun, you could be lying in the hospital or dead in my morgue."
"Well he didn't ok so just forget about it and let it go."
"I can't let it go! As I've told you before there is a fine line between courage and stupidity!"
Jane didn't have a chance to say anymore as Maura rushed past her and headed upstairs towards their bedroom. The slamming of the door echoed through the house and Jane stood routed to the ground and just stared at the now empty space before her stunned. She had seen Maura upset on occasions before but up until now she had never been this angry. Giving her wife a few minutes alone Jane set about feeding Bass and Joe before making her way upstairs.
Gently knocking to make her presence known, Jane entered the room to find the woman she loved packing a suitcase.
"Maura what are you doing?"
"What does it look like? I am going to go and stay in a hotel for a couple of days."
Jane moved forward removing the suitcase out of her wife's reach.
"Maura listen to me, I am sorry ok. You were right as always, I was stupid and reckless. Please just don't go, I don't want that."
The ME shook her head and grabbed the bridge of her nose as she tried to fight back the tears. Rationally she knew that she was just overreacting in response to the fear she had been feeling upon hearing Jane had been taken to the hospital but it didn't make her feel any better.
Moving to sit on the edge of the bed, tears spilled from her eyes as she looked up towards the woman she loved. "I could have lost you today and the very thought of not having you here with me in my life terrifies me Jane."
"Oh Maura…" The detective was by her side in an instance and held her close waiting for the crying to subside. They remained like that until Maura's sobs had turned into soft whimpers.
"Maura I know you're scared, I feel the same every time I'm in a situation like that, it's a part of my job, risking my life to serve the public and protect the people I care about most but loving you is what gives me the courage and strength to fight whatever I have to deal with; all I think about is how I can safely get through it so I can come home to you at night."
Maura grabbed the detectives hand and placed a kiss upon the scar that was there," I know you do Jane and I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I don't usually yell and I certainly don't want to leave you, it's just the thought always lingers there in the back of my mind and I don't want it to become a reality."
"I will do all that I can to make sure you never have to face that reality." They shared a gentle kiss as Jane brushed away the last of the tears that streaked Maura's face.
"We need to change your dressing, stay here while I get my supplies." Jane let out a small chuckle, just like that the conversation was over and Maura had gone into doctor mode in order to try and gather herself. A few minutes later she let out a small hiss as Maura slowly peeled away the bandage that was covering the side of her forehead and began to gently clean the cut that had been stitched up earlier in the day.
"I wish you had stayed in the hospital Jane for observation, an injury to the brain is very serious, especially since you were knocked unconscious."
"Maura you saw the scans yourself, no damage done, just a little concussion. It's nothing, why should I stay there when I can come home and have you take care of me." She was greeted with a stern look from her girlfriend; displeasure from such a comment evident on her face.
"Jane I wouldn't call suffering from a concussion after being hit on the side of the head with a piece of two by four nothing. You were incredibly lucky that only a small amount of force was used to hit you."
The detective sighed as a new bandage was placed over the wound, "Your right Maura I'm sorry, but understand I feel better being at home with you rather than stuck in some noisy hospital being poked and prodded every two hours."
She moved to lie down on the bed while she watched the other woman busy herself tidying up; she knew Maura had been upset when she had decided to discharge herself from the hospital and not for the first time either. Throughout their relationship Jane had been a frequent visitor to the emergency room thanks to suspects who had been unwilling to co-operate or just plain stupid to run away from the cops in the first place.
"Maura come here and lie with me for a little while." Upon hearing Jane's request, she didn't hesitate to move and join her love, her worrying dissipating as she felt familiar arms wrap around to hold her tightly.
Jane placed a tender kiss to the ME's forehead as she watched the tears well in her eyes again
"It's ok, I'm here and everything is fine"
They laid together in silence for a few minutes, simply enjoying the closeness of one another, it was something they had learnt not to take for granted especially after the horrors they would see on a daily basis at work. The quietness was broken as Jane let out a sigh and looked down to speak to the woman in her arms.
"Maura do ever wish that I did something else or at least found myself a job in the force that was less dangerous." If she had realised one thing after today, it was that she was tired of putting Maura through the anguish of having to deal with her being hurt on duty.
"I love my job Maura but you mean more to me now then my badge so if quitting will make you happier then that's what I'll do."
Instead of responding straight away, Maura contemplated her answer for a few moments. "Truthfully a part of me wishes you would every time I answer a phone call to say you have been hurt but then when I really think about it… no I don't want you to change your job and I would never ask to do that Jane. Being a cop, being a detective is part of who you are. It's what makes you Jane Rizzoli and the passion, the dedication, the determination you have for the job is just one of the reasons I fell in love with you."
They lapsed again into silence, the only sound coming from the rain outside as it hit the bedroom window. The detective had become so lost in her thoughts she didn't realise that she was being spoken to.
"Sorry Maura what was that?"
"I said statistically speaking you have a higher risk of being injured while on duty but to a degree most people can suffer an accident during the day or find themselves hurt following a situation that is unexpected. We run that risk every day we wake up and get out in the morning."
Jane let out throaty laugh upon hearing her own encyclopaedia that was Maura Isles speak, their argument long forgotten…
The realisation of what had happened sunk in as the detective felt the cold night air of the city bite. Tears stung her eyes, this wasn't what she wanted. Everything she needed; the woman she loved and a family she would do anything for were right behind the door in front of she had the chance the chance to talk herself out of it again, Jane wrapped her knuckle against it and then stepped back to anxiously wait for a response.
The door opened within seconds and it was clear that Maura must have been feeling just as horrible as she was in that moment.
"You ok?"
Jane was only greeted with the sight of her wife crying and a shake of the head before she felt the woman launch herself into her arms.
"Does this mean you're talking to me?" Jane's attempt at cracking a joke to lighten the mood failed miserably as the woman she loved began to sob into the crook of her neck.
"Maura I'm sorry, so sorry."
Jane held her wife close, not wanting to let her go again. It wasn't until she felt a blast of cold air around them that she realised they were still outside and so holding Maura in her arms she made her way inside to the comforting warmth of their home. She sat on the sofa before lying back and pulling Maura with her. No words were spoken; this was a time when they just needed to be with another in silence and as Maura continued to sob, Jane's own tears quietly slipped down her cheeks.
"I thought you had left, that you weren't coming back. I thought you had given up on us, our family"
"God damit, that's never going to happen Maura, I'm not giving up, ever. You and Evie are my reason for living; I would do anything for you both" Jane whispered brokenly. She hated seeing Maura like this, especially knowing she was the reason behind it; her actions, selfish as they were, were so much more painful to the woman they were inadvertently directed at.
"You were right, I let work get on top of me, I neglected you both and it should never have happened but Instead of accepting the truth I walked out on you. You would think after all these years of not being alone I would have learnt something by now but yet I still make mistakes."
It was now Maura's turn to comfort her wife, noticing the tears upon Jane's face; she turned and delicately brushed them away with her thumb before cupping the detectives face and planting a chaste kiss upon her lips. Keeping her hand in place she softly began to speak,
"You're here now and that's all that matters."
Jane leaned in and pressed her lips to Maura's, who held on to her wife tighter and slowly directed the kiss to deepen. Breaking apart, Jane rested her forehead against that of Maura's before gently caressing the cheeks of the ME who closed her eyes at the tender touch and sighed deeply.
"No matter how many arguments we may have Maura I'll come back, always."
"I know Jane and I should never have doubted you. Now please, will you come to our bed where you belong?"
Jane stood and held out her hand for Maura to take.
"There's nowhere else I would rather be, lead the way."
Yes they had their fights just like any other couple but when all was said and done, they always came back to one another and as Maura held Jane in her arms as they drifted off to sleep, both knew in that moment, that where they belonged, was there in one another's arms forever.