Wishing on a Star

Chapter 2 – Fear and Confidence

Breathing difficulties. Young patient. Not asthmatic. Chest infection? No. Other injuries, cuts and bruises. Patient lying about what happened? Possibly. Blunt trauma from something like seat belt? Likely.

"Ruth?" Jays voice snapped through Ruth's thoughts as she tried to work through the problem in her head.

"What?" Her bright blue eyes flicked up to meet his losing her train of thought as she blushed realising both Scarlett and Jay were waiting on her advice as to what to do next.

She tried to think quickly. Breathing difficulties caused by a blunt trauma to the chest.

"Oxygen." She said simply and Jay nodded setting up the breathing mask "Full examination, bloods and a scan." She added before turning on her heel and walking away frustrated and nervous in case she had made the wrong decision by making it so quickly. This was not her. She was not slow about decision making.

She sighed as she walked down the corridor. The fear of getting it wrong was actually making her more likely to get it wrong as she found herself scared to make decisions.

"Ruth?"

Ruth ignored Jay's voice calling after her as she walked towards the staffroom.

"Ruth are you ok?" Jay asked jogging to catch up with her

She sighed, frustrated with herself.

"I'm fine." She found herself snapping back irritably

"Ok." Jay sighed looking a little forlorn

"Sorry." Ruth apologised turning to him "I just have to be careful not make the wrong decision. It's hard enough without everyone rushing me."

"I'm not trying to rush you in a bad way Ruth, I know it's hard but I know you can do it your still getting back into the swing of things."

"And how long is getting back into the swing of things going to take?" Ruth sighed "Sometimes… sometimes I just don't think I am cut out to be a doctor anymore." She headed off as fast as he legs could carry her without running leaving Jay behind her.

Jay watched her go sadly and slightly worried, no one was perfect but Ruth had actually being doing well at work from a professional point of view, 9 out of 10 patients she had treated she had treated like she had never left, albeit more cautiously, she hadn't put a foot wrong. Looks can be deceiving. Jay sighed, how useless was he? He thought she was slowly getting used to being back at work and that it phased her much less than before. He hadn't even noticed she was still struggling. He wasn't sure what to do for the best, he cautiously headed after her hoping he could be of some help.

It didn't take Jay long to find Ruth. He knew there were only two places she might be, the staff room or her favourite bench tucked in a more private corner of the hospital grounds. With the staff room empty his powers of deduction led him to the bench where Ruth was staring at her shoes as she kicked the ground.

"You should have said." Jay said simply making Ruth look up at him. "Asking for help isn't really your style though is it?" he asked sitting down next to her "Ruth everyone in the department is here to support you and we all know it's hard for you, I know it's hard for you, but please trust me you have nothing to worry about, no one knows everything but all that information that made you such an insufferable no it all before is still in there!"

"I'm just scared." Ruth admitted "What if I get it wrong? I can see the headlines, bipolar doctor kills patient, doctor tries to slice patients head open is allowed back and kills someone…"

"You are not going to kill anyone. We work in an emergency department. People die on us every day but you won't cause their death, you try everything you can to save them. Treating patients is almost instinctive for you, you know what to do you just won't admit it to yourself sometimes!" Jay tried to reassure her "

"But what if I chose the wrong course of treatment Jay?" Ruth asked sounding worried

"There is always that risk, for every doctor and every nurse there is always that risk but it is not even trying to help the patient that is the biggest cause of concern." Jay pointed out "You work things through and I think you'll find all the answers in your own head but when it's a complex case and you're not 100% sure that's when asking another doctor is a good idea and when there is no harm in asking a second opinion."

"Working here… being an emergency department doctor is probably the best position I am going to get now…. If I mess it up…" Ruth explained nervously

"You will not mess it up! If anyone is capable of treating patients well it is you!" Jay pointed out "Maybe some revision would help you feel more confident?" Jay suggested "Because it is just that Ruth. Confidence. You are a good doctor who doesn't believe in herself."

Ruth nodded accepting every word Jay had said, he put his finger on it, she had treated a lot of patients successfully after she returned to work, surely that was a sign that she could do it.

"Do you think I will ever stop thinking this way?" she suddenly asked Jay looking up into his eyes. Jay could see faint marks where tears had trickled down her cheeks and his heart leapt every inch of him just wanting to hold her and fix everything even her thoughts.

"Yes. I think you just need to build your confidence." Jay reassured her, he refrained from wrapping his arms around her just in case someone saw and he made things worse, he instead slipped his fingers between hers and she looked up at him and nodded slightly.

"I should have talked to you sooner." Ruth confessed

"Maybe you do tend to try and cope with things on your own that you shouldn't have to cope with alone." Jay pointed out "Sometimes you might have a problem and not want to talk right away and sometimes you might have a problem and really want to talk about it. Whenever you want to talk I am always here Ruth." Jay said simply

"I know." Ruth nodded

"Always." Jay smiled squeezing her hand tightly