When we're back in 12, Peeta goes straight to his house. I wan't to reach out and grab him, tell him to come back, but I let him go. I can't fight with him anymore, nor can I try to convince him of something that words can't describe. I get my arrows and go hunting. In the woods, I feel a alienated. Peeta has tainted my space and now I want him here, but not only him; Gale too.
My heart aches so bad that I can't even raise my arrow. Being faced with the fact that I have no one in a place that once held everyone who meant anything to me. I know that I have to make things right, but I'm not sure how. Peeta was always the one who could say anything and it would be charming and my words only get me into trouble. I sit on the hollow log that usually houses my weapons and rest my head on my hands. Overhead, a mokingjay sits, and for a long while, I watch it. I almost sing to it, but there is nothing to sing about. I can't sing Rue's song because it hurts now more than ever that I was unable to save her and Prim. I don't want to sing "The Hanging Tree" because I will be reminded of Gale.
Then it hit me again. All of it. I've lost everyone I ever loved. I have put my entire world at stake, and just as he promised, Snow brought it down. I weaken with guilt, pain and self loathing, and fall down into the grass. I feel myself ball up into a knot and I lay there. It is impossible for me to cry anymore because I've done so much of that lately. I don't care about the predators that creep about, I have slept among many of my enemies before. I shut my eyes and stay there for a long time.
I'm not sure how many hours past before I hear footsteps. My body tells me to jump up and arm myself, but I am unable. My heart is too heavy. I don't even open my eyes to see who it is. The footsteps stop in front of me and I hear Haymitch's voice. "Sweetheart, what are you doing here? I've been looking for you all day," he says. There is no hint of the drunken fool in his voice. Perhaps he was so worried that he managed to sober up for a few hours. He picks me up and carries me back into 12. We are well beyond the fence when I decide to open my eyes. It's dark and the streets are empty. There are lights glowing from the widows of the homes that are actually occupied. I wrap both arms around Haymitch's neck. He's not much, but he's all I have right now, and I'm trying to hold on to him. "I know," he says as if reading my thoughts, and gives my back a pat.
When we approach Victors Village, he puts me down and I walk the rest of the way, letting my bow and arrows drag along the ground. Haymitch comes inside with me and turns on some of the lights. Buttercup greets me with his kitten mews as if begging for food. "I got nothing, stupid," I say, and I plop down on the couch. Greasy Sae has been here, I can tell because Buttercup has left some scraps of bones on the floor and I know Haymitch didn't feed him.
Haymitch slides my feet off of the couch and sits down. I still lay there with half of my body on the floor.
"What's wrong, Katniss?" he asks.
"I got nothing," I say with my face in a pillow. Haymitch lets out a long sigh.
"We all got nothing, Sweetheart, that's just the way it is now," he says.
"But I want it all back! I want my sister and I want my father!" I scream. My voice is cracking and my throat tightens. "I want them back, Haymitch!" I am crying so violently now that my whole body is shaking. "Why? Why did they leave me here to suffer? Hunh? Why did Cinna go? And Rue? And Finnick? They should've just killed me."
"They tried," he says. His voice is cold. I sob in return. Haymitch stand up and paces the floor. "Listen, Katniss, life's not easy, but you have to deal with it."
"How? Turn to the bottle like you? Get so lost in spirit that I can hardly see straight?" I spit out.
"Okay, you get a free pass because you're upset, but one more comment like that and you can add me to the list of people you lost," he says. My first instinct it to tell him off but I decide against it because he's all I have right now. "What you have to realize is, we all sacrificed people. And as harsh as it may sound, it's true. But you do have Gale, you do have your mother and you do have me, at the very least, Katniss. Now you let me tell you who that boy has," he points in the direction of Peeta's house. "You and me. That is it. He loves you so much that he was still willing to die for you after finding out you didn't love him in return. You don't even have the decency to consider that."
I sit up and bite the inside of my bottom lip. Haymitch is right.
"You know, Haymitch, I was able to convince Snow that I loved Peeta but why can't I convince Peeta?" I ask.
"Because he has to feel it." He points to my heart.
"But I'm trying," I say.
"How? By taking him along to visit Gale? Don't you get it? That is why I said 'no' in the first place Katniss. You don't think. Peeta swallows his pride and sits on a train for days to go see Gale for you, would you have done that for him? No, and you know it. Yes, he's sensitive right now, but look at you. You're falling apart at everything and he's being strong for you. He has to deal with his long term effects of being hijacked alone because you need to be tended to. He's lost any and everything he loves and he hasn't broken down once since he got back home. His brother, mother and father will never come back," Haymitch says. "Sometimes, I think you're the only one who means anything to yourself."
Haymitch leaves the house and I am alone. It is such a familiar feeling now. I am fuming at his last statement, though. How could he think I don't care about anyone but myself? Haven't I proven that I cared about all of Panem? After tossing these thoughts back and forth in my head, I realize he is right. I'm not sure what I have to do to convince Peeta that I love him, but I know I have to try. I go to the kitchen and get his pills. I am outside of his house when I notice none of his lights are on. I knock on the door for about five minutes, and when he doesn't answer, I go to the back window and climb in. Panic has consumed me and I'm assuming the worse now.
"Peeta," I call out. There is no answer. I hate this feeling. This is the same way I felt when I couldn't find him in the Quarter Quell, right before the explosion. "Peeta," I call out again. There's no answer, still. I am walking up the stairs when I hear a thump from Peeta's room. I drop the pills and run up the stairs. When I kick is door open, Peeta is laying face down on the floor, digging up the wood with his nails.
"Peeta!" I say. I'm not sure what to do. He looks up at me and I know it isn't him. I'm not sure that I should be here because he was already so upset with me. This episode could probably intensify.
"Get out, Katniss. Just go away," he mutters. I actually consider it, until I look at his bloody fingers. He has so many splinters in his hands; I'm surprised he isn't in pain.
"No, I'm staying." I say. I take a couple of steps towards him, and he digs harder.
"Get out. Just get out, now," he yells at me. Usually, by now I would have a pill at hand, but I threw them down while running. I cautiously approach him until I am directly above him. I wait a second to see if he's going to attack me. There's no one here to save me if he does. When he doesn't seem to notice me, I kneel down and grab one of his hands.
"Peeta stop, you're hurting yourself," I say as I bend down and grab one of his hands in mine. At first, his grip is tight, but it gradually loosens. "Come on, " I say, pulling him up. Reluctantly, he rises. He avoids looking at me, though. I walk him over to his bed and sit him down. His face is beet red and he's trembling. Unsure of what to say, I run my fingers through his hair and whisper, "Peeta, it's okay."
I kneel in front of him and take his face between my hands. I know this is a daring move, but if I'm going to be with him, I can't be afraid of him, even when he is like this. I hesitate for a moment before I press my lips against his. He doesn't welcome my kiss, but he doesn't resist it either. I pull away and his eyes meet mine. He looks so sad, which surprises me because I am expecting anger.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. He shakes his head and looks away.
"I need my pills," he says.
"I have them." I stand up patting my pockets and then I remember I dropped them. I get him the pills and a glass of water. He swallows his pill and then lays on his back with his head resting on his arm. I sit on the edge of his bed by his feet.
"Why are you here?" He asks with his eyes closed.
"Because you were wrong," I say. He smiles and then bursts into sarcastic laughter.
"I am wrong," he repeats. "About what, Katniss?"
"Well," I say, "I do love you. I told you I am in love with you. It's unfair to assume what would've happened if we wouldn't have met. I don't know what would have become of Gale and me, but I know it doesn't matter now. When I'm alone, I think about you and how you snuck up on me. I wasn't supposed to love you, and no, I didn't choose to love you either. You found your way into my heart and it feels so right. It feels like you belong here." I stop for a moment, waiting for a response, but he says nothing. "Okay, look at me," I say. He sits up and looks at me. "I can't put into words how much you mean to me because I'm not good at that. You were the one who could say anything and it sounds good, not me.
"I just want you to know that, this right here," I say pointing to my heart, "it's yours. All of it. I know what you have gone through because of me and I will spend the rest of my life trying to repay you. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. If you'll let me."
"So, all of this is because you feel like you owe me?" he asks. At this moment, I know I have failed. I get up and walk towards the door and just as I reach the first step, I feel his hand grab mine.
"Where are you going?" He asks. I shrug and try to pull my hand lose. "Stay with me," he says. I smile and think "Always".