Author's note: This chapter was so hard to write. It's very personal, very true, very honest and something I've dealt with in my life and have overcome. I was terrified to post this because it is so personal but maybe it will end up helping someone.

9-24-2011 6am

I cannot believe I loved the season premier of Glee Therese made me watch so much that I went out and bought season 1 and season 2, and have been sitting here watching them. Better yet I can't believe I've been watching Darren for 24 hours now. Seeing him in Glee, playing Kurt's best friend and later his boyfriend brought back all these feelings that I thought I had gotten over. I even brought out all our old photos (no, I did not throw them away like most people do.). I am so glad that Therese was gone for the weekend. God, what am I doing to do?

What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way over someone I dated 10 years ago?

"Sari?" Therese said when she came home the next day. "Oh my gosh, what happened? Why have you been crying?"

"Nothing, I'm fine" I responded.

"What did that asshole Reid do to you?" Therese asked.

"Nothing, I didn't even stay with him a whole night" I quickly responded hoping she'd give up. I hated how much she hated Reid , but I didn't want to admit the real reason I was crying. I am in no way ready to spill out my deepest secret about dating Darren and the possibility that I might possibly even still have feelings for him.

"Let me guess, he pressured you to have sex?" Sometimes I was shocked at how well Therese knew Reid. It made me wonder if she was keeping something she knew about him from me.

"Yeah, and I don't think he's going to take my answer of "I'm just not ready yet" much longer" I explained.

"Are you two broken up now?" Therese asked referring to the fact that she never let me forget; that Reid has been my on again off again boyfriend for two years.

"No, but he was very upset with me when I left" I said tears starting up again.

"Oh boo" Therese said giving me a hug "Maybe it's a sign that he's not the one for you"

"T, we've been through this. You have no say in whom I date!" I said getting up to walk away since I was upset and annoyed and becoming very angry with Therese's opinions on mine and Reid's relationship.

"Do you love him?" Therese asked.

I was silent. This question caught me off guard. I thought I'd try to change the subject. "I went out and bought season 1 and season of 2 of Glee. I've been watching them all weekend. I'm hooked. I'm a Gleek now"

"Don't change the subject on me" Therese said "IF you love him and admit it then I'll never say anything bad about Reid again"

"I... I... I don't know if I love him" It was very hard for me to admit that " I mean he's no Darren but not many guys will put up with me"

"I'm glad we're on speaking terms again" T started to walk off and all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and cry. The feelings of me wanting to harm myself were flooding back.

"Wait, wait…. What do you mean he's no Darren?" Therese said.

"Oh crap" I thought to myself, I Couldn't believe I slipped like that and of course Therese would pick up on it. I didn't feel like sharing that secret yet so I had to cover it up. "Yeah, Darren Criss. After watching Glee all night I looked up some stuff on him and from his interviews, he just seems like such a perfect guy like I'd want to date. I was crying because I knew I'd never get a man like him". I was hoping that Therese, who knew me pretty well wouldn't pick up that I was hiding something.

"C'mon, wash your face and put on something hot!" Therese said giving me a smile.

"Why?" I asked.

"We're going out! Girl's night!" She said. I loved how excitable Therese was.

"Don't you have a date with Danny tonight?" I asked, not really wanting to go out.

"We went out last night, he'll understand that you need to go out and have a good time" Therese defended.

"T, I can't let you do that" I argued. "I'm fine really"

"I know you well enough to know that when you say you're fine you really aren't" T said "If it'll make you feel better I'll can Danny and explain things to him and let him tell you that's he's fine with us having a girl's night"

"No, that's ok. I don't really feel like going out anyways" I said locking myself in my room trying to fight the urge to self-harm.

9-25-2011

I must have cried myself to sleep. The next thing I remember is waking up. The razor was next to me but there weren't any cuts on my wrist. I did it! I fought the urge to self-harm I'm not sure what caused me to put down the razor or if I even picked it up. I guess God still has a reason for me to be here, though I'm ready to go whenever he wants to take me.

When I emerged into the living room both Therese and her boyfriend Danny where there.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt" I said starting to back out of the room.

"Sit down skittles!" Therese commanded.

I couldn't help but giggle "Skittles?" I asked.

"Yeah, you call me T so I'm calling you skittles. Now sit down please" Therese responded.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"This is an intervention" Danny explained. "You won't listen to your friends about Reid so maybe you'll listen to me".

"Oh My gosh! This again?" I said. "I'm 24. I can date whomever I want. Besides T, you promised you wouldn't say anything about him"

"Correction, I said I would never say another word about him if you told me you loved him but you didn't say it" T stated in her matter of fact way that annoyed the hell out of me. "Just hear him out!"

"Fine!" I snapped crossing my arms and sitting down being a little melodramatic.

"I know you've been with Reid off and on for two years and I don't know why you keep taking him back…" I wanted to jump in there and just scream. Unfortunately Danny picked up on this. "Let me Finish" he said before I could get another word out "I lived in the same dorm as him when were where at NYU. We were even roommates our freshman year."

"Why did you never tell me that?" I asked both Therese and Danny.

"Because I didn't think it was important" Danny explained "But while we were roommates he liked and was inappropriate with a lot of girls. In fact he was so bad with one girl that she took a restraining order out against him."

"People can change you know" I said quietly.

"Is that why you keep taking him back each time you break up?" Danny asked "Because you think that he'll change or that you can change him?"

I was so sick of everyone telling me what to do in my relationship with Reid. One thing I hated has people telling me what to do and trying to control my life so I said the first thing that came to my mind that I thought would make them shut up. "I keep taking him back because I love him ok?" Unfortunately for me I was a horrible liar "There! I said it is you happy?"

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" Danny asked.

"How did you know that?" I asked shocked that they knew my little secret, that part of me that I was ashamed of.

"I called Danny last night when you locked yourself in the bathroom; he had to break down the door." T explained. It sounded like she was trying to hold back tears. "We saw the razor. Plus I remembered you struggling with it in College."

"But I didn't do anything" I defended. "I don't even remember picking up or even putting down the razor"

"When we opened the door you were asleep listening to this" Therese said hanging me my Ipod that was on Darren's EP.

"Darren" I whispered barley audible "Always there for me like you promised"