This chapter takes place over just a few weeks unlike the previous two. Still fragmented, hopefully enjoyable, and let me know what you think of it =)
The book she was reading didn't seem the least bit interesting. Blair put it aside without bothering with a bookmark. She didn't have the faintest clue what she had been reading and it didn't matter much anyway. She was bored. Chuck had gone to sleep already and with any luck he would sleep undisturbed through the night. His breathing had been so labored during the late afternoon that she had begun to fear that he wouldn't make it through the night but a visit from Dr. Winslow had eased her mind. The doctor had given him an injection and it seemed to do the trick. But he had been very clear with Blair on his way out. If no changes occurred within the next few days there was only one outcome to this. He encouraged her to send her husband to the hospital but she sternly refused.
The sound of a ringing phone brought her out of her thoughts. She answered the phone and her son's voice on the other end felt both reassuring and exhausting. He wanted to know how his father was doing and she had nothing uplifting to report.
"It's sink or swim now" she said. "If nothing improves in the next few days you should all come out here and… and…"
"Mother, you know what, either just let him pass on already or send him to a hospital" her son sighed on the other end. "This is just painful for everyone involved. I want him to live as much as anyone but he's not going to live forever and I think we're just putting him through more misery than we need."
"You know how I feel" Blair said sternly. "He is not going to the hospital. If he's going to die he is going to do so at home."
"In your bed? Can you sleep in there after that? Mother I'm only looking out for you, and for him."
"I know you are, dear" Blair said. "But I know what is best for Chuck. I don't care if both my children disagree with me on this, my word is final."
"Think of the kind of care he could get at the hospital. He doesn't have to die, not yet. You have to decide Mother, one way or the other. Either you want him to go on living, in which case you need to do everything in your power to make that happen. Or you want to let him go, in which case you should stop with all treatments that aren't palliative."
"Thank you for calling" Blair said, not in the mood to continue on with the conversation. "I will keep you updated."
"Mother…"
She hung up and huffed. She would be damned if she let her children tell her how to take care of her husband. She knew him better than they did. She was the one who stood to lose her life's companion. It would be sad for them to lose their father but that was still a natural part of life and they were both well into adulthood and could handle it. For her the loss would be of a whole other nature. She and Chuck were supposed to be together until the very end.
In a foul mood she got up and decided she might as well head to bed. She walked slowly through the house turning all the lights off even though there were still two nurses awake somewhere in the house. Then she slowly walked up the stairs, trying not to think about the things her son and Dr. Winslow had said. Especially not the part of making up her mind to either do everything to save Chuck or to let him go. She couldn't bring herself to do one and she couldn't bear to do the other yet.
She stopped at the upstairs landing and instead of walking to the bedroom she walked into Chuck's study. It hadn't been used for that purpose for years, except when their children visited and wanted a place to work. Blair had begun turning it into something of a family shrine in the past ten months. All sorts of souvenirs from the past fifty years was collected in the room together with even more photographs.
On one of the walls they had three large baby pictures and she stopped to look at them. Her eyes fell on the one to the left. Julian at ten months old, sitting on a thick rug holding on to Monkey who was lying next to him keeping a watchful eye on the youngest member of the family. Chuck had insisted they include the dog in the picture and Blair hadn't had the heart to argue. Looking at the photograph always brought back memories and she smiled to herself as she thought back on when she and Chuck had first become parents.
"Surprise!" Serena yelled and clapped her hands with excitement.
The unexpected yell woke and startled the baby. Blair shared a look with Chuck and from the face he was making she could tell this wasn't his doing. They had not told anyone when they would be bringing the baby home, hoping to have a serene first day at home and spend it just the three of them together. Unfortunately serene and Serena were two very different things and since all of their closest friends and family had apparently gotten word of their homecoming the afternoon would probably be exhausting to say the least. There were at least twelve people in their apartment and while they appreciated the sentiment neither one of them was very fond of the teddybears, balloons and the unimaginative "It's a boy" banner they could spot in the living room.
"It's okay, sweetie" Blair soothed the baby, trying to get his overalls off as fast as she could so she could hold him in her arms.
"Wow, this… this is just… too much" Chuck said, managing to sound modest and polite even though Blair knew it had been criticism.
"Let us look at baby" Dorota said, striding over with outreached arms. "Guest of honor much awaited."
"Let's keep in mind that he is a day and a half old and should probably not be exposed to too many people" Blair said, cradling the baby.
"I'm sorry I made him cry" Serena said with a pout, bouncing over like an excited golden retriever. "It's just so exciting!"
"Give them some room" Chuck said as people began to huddle around Blair and the infant. "Guys, this is very nice of you all but if you don't mind we need to put our son down for a nap. The guest of honor will have to sit this one out."
"Oh come on, man" Nate protested. "We're all here to see the little guy."
"Sorry, baby calls the shots."
Blair made her way to their bedroom, relieved to note that only Chuck was in tow, carrying the bags. He closed the door behind them and sighed while Blair finally managed to get the baby to stop crying.
"What are they all doing here?" he asked, keeping his voice down in case they were right outside the door.
"How did they even know we were coming home?" Blair wondered. "It's really sweet of them to care so much but I'm not in the mood for this. I just wanted a nice, calm afternoon with you and the baby. I gave birth just two days ago and I'm not exactly feeling like being a hostess."
"If we just stay in here how long do you think it will be before they take the hint and leave?" Chuck asked, only half in jest.
"I say we put our game faces on, socialize for an hour and then make up some excuse to get them all out of here" Blair said. "I can't believe the baby has already gone back to sleep. Serena is not welcome over until she learns to control her vocal excitement."
Chuck walked over to watch her put the baby down in the cradle. Seeing their son in his bed in their home for the first time was a fascinating sight. He grabbed both halves of the baby monitor and made sure they were both on and working before placing the sender on the dresser next to the cradle.
"He's so precious" Blair smiled.
"You forgot to take off his hat" Chuck noticed and gave her the other half of the baby monitor before leaning in to gently remove the hat from the baby's head. He had very light, very fair hair on his head, barely more than a suggestion of hair growth, and Chuck gently ran his hand over it to feel its softness. The baby let out a sigh and both parents smiled.
"There we go" Chuck said. "Okay Mom, let's get this over with."
Blair took Chuck's hand and followed him back out to the living room where everyone seemed to be having a great time. They noticed that there were gift bags and a cake along with everything else and began to worry that they wouldn't be able to get people to clear out before the baby woke up again.
"You guys are so sweet" Blair said, not really meaning it.
"Come sit!" Serena said, clapping the empty spot next to her on the couch. "I want to hear everything that's happened since yesterday!"
Blair walked over slowly, deciding to remain standing since sitting wasn't pleasant at the moment. She managed a smile and glanced over at the clock on the wall. This really was going to be a long afternoon.
Two hours later they were finally alone. The baby woke up just as people were getting ready to leave and Blair feared there would be commotion but somehow Chuck managed to get everybody out the door without the baby having to make an appearance. Once they were alone he walked to the bedroom, barely noticing Monkey trotting next to him. He found Blair sitting on the bed, trying her best to figure out the logistics of sitting up and nursing.
"Should I get you a pillow?" Chuck asked.
"Yes please."
He looked around and then decided to just give her his own. He walked over to his side of the bed, pulled the bedspread aside and yanked the pillow free. He re-arranged the covers rather messily and walked over to her.
"Here you go. I'll help you hold him while you get this thing in its place."
After a bit of fumbling they got everything in perfect place and the baby began to nurse contently. Chuck kneeled in front of Blair and placed his hands on her knees.
"Does it still hurt?" he asked.
"Yeah. They say it will get better though. It's not too bad. Sitting down or going to the bathroom is far worse."
"At least you get a beautiful baby for your troubles" Chuck smiled.
"You'd better love him good, Bass" Blair said. "He's going to be your only child. Unless I die first and you get a twenty-something girlfriend when you're in your eighties."
"I thought we agreed on at least two" Chuck said with a frown.
"There's no way I'm going through all of that again" Blair said. "I love this little guy and he was worth it all but that doesn't mean I'm signing up for another round. I'm not a masochist! The only reason anyone ever had a sibling is because mankind wasn't smart enough to invent birth control until fairly recently. After that it just became tradition. And, like most traditions, it's idiotic."
"I'm disappointed to hear that" Chuck said. "I was hoping for another one of these. Whenever you're ready."
"When men can start to bear children we can talk."
They were both a bit startled when Monkey put his paws up on the bed and tried to get a look at the newest addition to the family. Neither one of them had realized he was even in the room. The dog leaned in and sniffed the baby's head, disturbing the little boy who made a protesting noise before finding the nipple again.
"Careful, Monkey" Chuck said. "Should I get him out of the room?"
"Let him sniff" Blair said. "We never discussed what we would do with him once the baby arrives but we might as well let them get acquainted."
The dog continued to sniff and eventually the baby was bothered enough that he began to cry. Chuck grabbed Monkey's collar and pulled him back down on the floor.
"Let him eat in peace, would you? Go lie down. Go on!"
The dog obediently trotted over to his spot in the corner and with a sigh laid down on his pillows.
"I think he's done" Blair said after a minute, trying to hold the baby still while covering herself back up. "Can you get a towel? He might spit up."
After burping the baby they changed his diaper, both of them finding it a completely disgusting chore and bickering for a few minutes over who really ought to be doing it. Once the diaper was changed Blair handed the baby to Chuck and shooed away the dog who had appeared in the bathroom.
"Hey Little Bassman" Chuck said.
"Careful with his head."
"Do you really want to make me more nervous than I already am?"
The baby fussed, not entirely happy with being changed and handed over to someone other than his mother.
"Oh, what is it, little guy?" Blair asked.
"I think he's saying he's upset that he's been here for hours and we haven't even shown him around" Chuck said. "He's going to grow up here and doesn't even know the way to the kitchen. Let's take the tour, shall we?"
Keeping a watchful eye on her husband and son Blair led the way, walking from room to room with Chuck and Monkey in tow.
"You see that couch?" Chuck said when they were in the living room. "It's white and it's expensive. Try not to puke on it, or worse. And you see the balloons and the banner and the bags? They are all for you. You may not have a name yet but you have a whole crowd of people who think you're amazing."
"Let me hold him again" Blair said. "I miss him when he's out of my arms for too long." She carefully took the baby back and nuzzled him. "You smell so lovely" she said. "And you're so soft. Hard to think that in a decade and a half you'll be as hairy as your dad."
"We're real men" Chuck said. "The whole metro thing is so not us."
"We still have one more room for you to see" Blair said. "Let's go take a look, shall we?"
She turned to head back towards the bedroom and nearly tripped over Monkey who was at her feet. She held the baby closer with a terrified look on her face and Chuck grabbed a hold of the dog collar and promptly took the dog to the nearest bathroom and locked him in. He went back to Blair who was looking a little frightened but seemed otherwise okay.
"If Monkey is going to be any sort of danger to my son then he has to go" Chuck said.
"It was an accident" Blair said with a slight tremble to her voice.
"I don't care. What if you had fallen over with the baby in your arms?"
"Let's not think about it, okay? I don't think Monkey would do anything to actually hurt our child. He's just… curious of him. Don't keep him in the bathroom all evening."
"As long as you're standing and holding the baby he stays in there. Come on, let's just go finish the tour."
They walked inside a room with pale blue walls and a clear racecar theme going on. Blair had eventually caved and agreed with Chuck's wishes since she couldn't decide on any theme she wanted as her own front-runner. Before the birth she had made a deal with him that since he got his choice for their first baby's nursery she would get to choose their second child's theme. Now she no longer planned on having a second child but she had to admit that the room looked nice and that the cars offered her a variation of colors to choose from.
"This, my sweet, is your future room" she said with a smile. "How do you like it? I know it's not directly next to mine and Daddy's but we'll be close enough. For now you'll sleep with us anyway. You liked the cradle we set up for you, didn't you?"
"Welcome home" Chuck said to the baby and leaned down to kiss him.
"I know you're only a week old and too young to be going out on any real excursions, Julian…" Chuck said to the baby as he walked inside his office with the carry-cot in a strong grip and Monkey's leash in the other hand. "We'll just be a minute, okay? Daddy needs to get some paperwork so that I can work from home and spend my days with you and Mommy instead of at the office."
He walked to his large mahogany desk and put the carry-cot down, letting the leash fall to the floor. Monkey sat down and looked up at him, obediently staying in place. Julian had woken up and his eyes drifted in every direction but didn't seem to be seeing much of anything. Chuck hurriedly gathered the things he needed for a week's worth of working from home and placed them in his leather briefcase.
"There" he said. "Hopefully we can make it back home before Mommy wakes up, not to mention in time for your next meal."
Julian's face scrunched up and he began to cry. Chuck carefully lifted him up, still not quite comfortable with how to hold the baby and terrified that he might drop him. Once Julian was safe and sound in his arms he shushed the boy gently and rocked him.
"There we go" he said. "What is it? You want a tour of Daddy's office?"
He caressed the boy's cheek with his finger and Julian took the finger in his mouth and sucked on it, looking up at his father. Chuck walked around the desk and once around the room, shushing the baby. By the time he got back to the desk Julian had quieted and Chuck smiled a little.
"That's a good boy. You know something? This is my office but it's only a teeny, tiny part of Bass Industries. And one day all of it is going to belong to you, my son. How about that, huh?" He stopped in front of the large windows overlooking the city below. "Now, I know what you're thinking. You've been saddled with a work-a-holic father who will never have time for you. I can assure you that I have no intention of falling into that pit. That being said I am not like other men, I am Chuck Bass, and I will never be your traditional parent."
He sat down in his chair and adjusted the baby in his arms. Julian seemed quite content at the moment but he wanted to keep him cheerful for a little while before he put him back in the carry-cot.
"There are probably a few things we should square out right from the start" he said to the baby. "Like for instance you will never see me coaching Little League. Or any other sport. I will reschedule my meetings and come cheer you on when you play and I will take you to hockey games and whatever else you're interested in but I don't do the coaching thing."
He kept talking to the baby for a while, enjoying the time alone with him. The past week had been a bit too hectic with surprisingly few people respecting a pair of new parents' need for some privacy. Serena, Nate, Lily, Dorota, Eleanor, all had showed up at all times of the day to coo at the baby and offer advice and services. They had gotten numerous calls and faxes and telegrams to congratulate them, from far more people than they had any real connection to. Blair had been close to losing her mind after a few days, trying to adjust to having a new baby, healing from the birth and dealing with sleep deprivation in the middle of all this outside attention.
"Poor Mommy" Chuck said to Julian. "Let's hope she's having a nice, long nap. We should probably get back. She'll worry if we're gone for too long and I think the dog walker is coming by in about thirty minutes." He got up and gently placed Julian in the carry-cot again, making sure he was properly tucked in and fastened. "There's a good boy. Yeah. That was your first visit to Daddy's office. How neat is that?"
He bent down and grabbed Monkey's leash. It took him a few seconds to figure out how to get his briefcase with him while holding the leash in one hand and the carry-cot in the other but eventually he figured it out and headed for the door. Once outside his office he handed the leash and briefcase to Cindy, his secretary. She seemed more interested in admiring Julian than carrying his things and he had to remind her to do what he had asked.
"Don't worry Cindy, you'll see your fill of him" he said as they walked towards the elevators.
"They're just so precious when they're this little" Cindy cooed.
"I know, I know. I guarantee you though that he will be just as precious next week and next month and next year."
"But never like he is now."
"Nonetheless we don't have time for adulation right now. He's starting to miss his mommy. I promise to bring him by again later."
They stepped on the elevator and headed down to the parking garage where Arthur was waiting with the limo. At least he was one employee capable of doing his job without stopping to fuss over the cute little baby. Chuck was very proud of his son but it was getting tiresome to have everybody stop and coo.
"Where have you been?" Blair asked worriedly, hurrying up to take the baby the same second Chuck stepped through the door. "Monkey get out of the way."
"I told you I'd take him with me to the office" Chuck said calmly.
"I must have been asleep when you told me that since there is no way on God's green earth I'd agree to taking my one week old child out in public when it's five degrees out. What the hell were you thinking?" She lifted Julian up and cradled him in her arms. "There, there sweetie. You're back with Mommy now."
"I didn't take him outside" Chuck said, taking off his coat. "He was safe and warm the entire time. The only person we saw except for Arthur was Cindy. He's fine."
"You don't know that. He might have caught a cold! Who knows what kind of germs Cindy carries around?"
"I needed some things from the office and I wanted you to get a chance to sleep" he said while putting his gloves away. "You said it was fine before I left."
"Let's keep him indoors from now on" Blair said, sitting the baby back down in the carry-cot to take off his outdoor clothes.
"Fresh air will do him good when the temperatures climb."
"The paparazzi won't."
"They will have lost interest by then."
Blair looked skeptical. They had been surprised to find a whole crowd of photographers waiting for them when they left the hospital. Someone must have tipped them off since they were waiting in the parking garage. Blair had been horrified, Chuck irritated and for the first time Blair had seen Arthur almost lose his temper as the photographers made it difficult for him to drive away.
"I really don't think we're news-worthy for much longer" Chuck said reassuringly. "We just hit a bit of a double-whammy by having a baby less than a year after getting married."
"Maybe we can hire a stand-in baby to fool the paparazzi when we go outside" Blair said. "I hate the thought of Julian being exposed to those people. It's partly because of the paparazzi that he's not my firstborn."
"He will be alright" Chuck said.
There was a knock on the door and Chuck turned to open.
"Don't" Blair said. "Check and see who it is first. I'm so sick of all those annoying well-wishers. They're just out to steal precious baby minutes away from us."
"It's the dog walker" Chuck reminded her.
"Oh. Right." She lifted the baby up again. "Well in that case Julian and I will be in the living room. The dog walker is not important enough to get to coo in his presence."
She walked off and Monkey began to follow but Chuck grabbed a hold of his collar.
"No, not right now" he said. "You need a bathroom break."
After handing the dog over to the dog walker he walked into the living room where Blair was giving the baby her full attention. He walked over and sat down beside her, kissing her cheek and wrapping an arm around her waist.
"Did you have fun at Daddy's office?" Blair asked Julian.
"He had a blast" Chuck said with a smile.
"Good, since he'll probably visit a fair number of times."
"I don't think I will be going back in for a while. I'm going to ask Lily to cover for me for the next… month at least."
"Really?" Blair said, tearing her eyes from the baby for a second.
"Julian is only going to be an infant for a short period of time" Chuck said, holding out his finger for his son to grip. "I care about the company but I hate the thought of being in my office when this little guy smiles for the first time. I finally have the family I always wanted and I will not make the mistakes my father made."
"Yeah but… There's always going to be some moments we miss. Are you sure you want to take too much time off? You've worked so hard to get the company where it is today."
"I doubt the company will go to hell under Lily's supervision; she's done an amazing job running it in the past. "
"What if she can't run it now? What if she doesn't want to?"
"Then I'll find someone else. My son is the most valuable thing I have. I said I wanted to be a real father who is there for him and I meant it."
"Parents can go to work and still be there for their children" Blair reminded him with a little laugh.
"We'll both go back to work eventually. I've just been realizing how precious this time with him is and how much bonding happens at this point. We have the luxury of being able to stay at home with him, both of us. We'd be crazy not to make use of it."
"How about that, huh?" Blair said to the baby. "Daddy's going to be staying at home with us for a while. Isn't that great?"
"Hopefully we can teach him that family comes before work" Chuck said. "Give him some decent priorities. We're bound to do a thousand things to mess him up so I'm hoping we can counter-act parts of it."
"Oh ye of little faith" Blair said. "Julian I think he's forgetting who he procreated with. I excel at things. That's just the way God created me. I will excel at motherhood and since I excelled in picking my spouse I have every confidence he will excel at fatherhood."
"Hormones are making you delusional" Chuck commented.
"Perhaps, but they're not making me depressed, now are they? Lesser women get depressed but I excel."
"So you're feeling well today, then?"
"I wish you would stop asking me how I feel all the time. Assume I'm feeling wonderful and I will let you know if that changes."
"I just want you to be feeling great" Chuck said and kissed her cheek. "Trust me when I say that will always be what I want for you."
"Worry less about me and more about Julian" Blair said. "I can handle a few sleepless nights and having to heal from the delivery and a baby sucking on my raw nipples. My concern is that he's going to come down with something. He's so tiny and fragile."
"Julian is going to be just fine" Chuck said. "He's got us."
Blair smiled and lifted her eyes from her son to give her husband a kiss.
"So is motherhood everything it's cranked up to be?" Serena asked the following day, watching Blair fuss over the baby in her arms.
"It's the strangest feeling" Blair said, eyes focusing on her son. "He's so little and so helpless and so needy. He has no manners, he screams at all hours, he has no grasp of hygiene and absolutely no appreciation for the things that signal class. Yesterday he threw up on a Dior jacket!"
"He does have the excuse of being a newborn" Serena pointed out dryly.
"He's everything I look down upon in people and yet I love him so much it hurts. I can't get enough of holding him and I can watch Chuck with him for hours. Having a baby is… really something special."
"You and Chuck are going to have a dozen of these little cuties" Serena said, grinning widely and making faces at the baby even though he couldn't see her.
"Yeah, I'll get right on that" Blair said dryly.
"Well not right away. But at least you have someone to have babies with."
"Serena I'm in the first euphoric motherhood phase. Can we please save your grievances about your own life until later?"
"Fine" Serena said, smile gone.
"Besides, Julian is going to be an only child" Blair said, kissing the baby's brow. "They say childbirth is painful but they're wrong. There needs to be a whole other word for it. I am never doing it again for as long as I live."
"Is it really that bad?"
"It's hours of agony followed by what is essentially pushing a lemon through your nostril. I love my son but there's no way I'd ever go through that knowing what it feels like."
"Can we talk about something else?" Serena said, fearing that Blair would move on to talk about the messier details of childbirth.
"I'm just saying. Babies are fun to make but then the process just goes downhill."
"Not that I will be finding out anytime soon" Serna said, feeling a bit sorry for herself.
"All in good time, S" Blair said. "My sweet little Julian is happy to be the only baby around right now. We don't like to share the spotlight, do we Julian?"
"So is his name only Julian?"
"We're thinking about calling him Bass as a surname" Blair said, giving Serena a look like she was an idiot.
"Julian Bartholomew Bass?"
"Ew, no" Blair frowned. "His grandfather does not get to be honored."
"Isn't Bartholomew Chuck's middle-name?"
"A lot of good that did him. I'm thinking of calling him Henry for a middle-name. Chuck wanted to call him that and it is a name fit for a king."
"Well since it's not going to be saved for a future brother…" Serena said with a shrug. She was getting tired of talking about the baby. He was very cute but he didn't do much and Blair wouldn't let her hold him. It was starting to get tiresome that all Blair spoke of was her infant. "Hey, I went to Bergdorf's the other day! They had this amazing new selection of-"
"Wait, hold on Serena" Blair said, lifting the baby up to smell the diaper. "No, no we're good. False alarm."
"Did you just…?" Serena said, looking disgusted.
"He hasn't had a diaper change in four hours" Blair said. "Usually they're needed more often than that."
"Yeah, I suddenly no longer long for babies" Serena said, still with a disgusted face.
"The weird thing I don't mind as much as I thought I would" Blair said. "It's gross but he's such a little gem that it's worth doing. If you want to know what's really gross it's the umbilical cord."
"Ew, you didn't cut it?" Serena said, looking like she was about to be sick.
"Chuck cut it after delivery" Blair said. "We're not animals! But there's a stump left still and I can't wait for it to fall off."
"Babies are gross."
"The beginning of life is a messy affair" Blair agreed. She studied her son with a thoughtful, loving expression. "And yet… it's beautiful. I feel so blessed that I got to have a baby with Chuck. It really is the most special thing two people can share. I see myself in Julian and I see my husband."
Serena kept in a sigh. The sentiment was sweet but she had already heard it twice. She felt relieved when Chuck came back from walking the dog and came to take the baby. Perhaps now they could have a normal conversation.
"Come to Daddy, little trooper" he said, carefully taking the baby from Blair. "Let's give Mom and Serena some time to talk. Let them babble about hairstyles and celebrities while you and me talk about something manly, like cooking outdoors."
"You've never cooked outdoors" Serena snorted. "Have you ever even cooked indoors?"
Chuck smirked at her and left the room with Monkey at his heels. Blair watched them go and sighed happily.
"It's true" she said. "I have the perfect life."
Chuck barely dared to breathe. Julian seemed to have finally gone to sleep but he had a habit of waking up again if he was put down in a carry-cot or his cradle within the first five or ten minutes after falling asleep. Chuck had been walking back and forth with him in the living room for the past forty-five minutes and he was exhausted. It was three o'clock in the morning and it wouldn't be much more than an hour and a half before the baby woke up to be fed again.
"You're killing me, Julian" Chuck sighed. "Do you think you can stay asleep now?"
Suppressing a yawn he walked back to the bedroom where Blair was sleeping heavily. After the baby's last feeding Chuck had taken him to change the diaper and then lull him back to sleep and she had gone out like a light. She was, if possible, even more tired than her husband.
"Stay asleep now, like a good little boy" Chuck whispered and put his son down in his cradle. "Nice and easy…"
He held his breath and watched the little boy for half a minute, praying he would stay asleep. When Julian made no sign of waking up he sighed with relief and walked to the bed. Barely having the energy to lift the covers up he got into bed and scooted over to Blair, wrapping an arm around her which caused her to stir and groan. Assuming she was groaning because she had been woken up he nuzzled closer and closed his eyes, ready to go to sleep.
"No" Blair groaned and nudged him away with her elbow. "Leave me alone."
"It's just me" Chuck mumbled sleepily.
"Chuck get off."
He opened his eyes and frowned, wondering what this was all about. When she whimpered and gave him another nudge he obediently moved away a little and waited for an explanation.
"I haven't had my body to myself for almost a year" Blair complained. "First there was a baby in it and now there's a baby constantly attached to it. I don't want any physical contact right now. I just want to be left alone for a measly hour or two."
Too tired to argue but too annoyed to be able to go to sleep Chuck huffed and pointedly moved as far away from her as he could get without falling out of the bed. He rolled away from her and sulked over how she only paid attention to the baby nowadays and cared little for her husband. He knew her every instinct was about the baby at this stage but a little love and affection didn't seem like too much to ask for.
"Daddy's home!" Chuck declared, walking into the living room with a smile on his face.
Blair glared up at him from her spot on the couch. Her feet were up on the table and her arms crossed over her chest, making her look more like a petulant teenager than an adult. It annoyed her that he was in such a great mood though she wasn't entirely sure why, which in turn made her more annoyed.
"Why are you making such a fuss?" she asked. "You were only gone for a few hours."
"What a perfect way to greet your husband" Chuck smirked. "What's the matter with you? It's a beautiful day, it follows a night when Julian slept for five hours straight and I have gotten us reservations at your favorite restaurant."
"I hope you mean ordering in because I'm not showing myself outside wearing a dress."
"Yes you are" Chuck said, refusing to be moved from his good mood. "Wear whatever you like and I'll find a bowtie to match."
"Has the baby screaming made you hard of hearing? I said I won't show myself to anyone while wearing a dress."
"That's your objection? I thought you would object to leaving Julian for a few hours. Which, by the way, I have made arrangements for. Your mother is coming over to baby-sit and we will have eaten our dinner and returned home safely within two and a half hours, giving us at least thirty minutes before his next meal."
"I never planned on getting as far as that objection because the first objection should be enough."
"Knowing his sleeping patterns he'll go to sleep after his seven o'clock feeding and when he wakes up we'll be back home and he'll never even know Mom and Dad were gone" Chuck continued as if she hadn't said anything.
"We are not going" Blair insisted.
"Why? We could use a few hours out by ourselves."
"The sentiment is sweet but it is not happening until I look presentable."
"How much more beautiful can you get?" Chuck snorted.
"Beautiful? I look awful!"
Chuck rolled his eyes and walked over to sit next to her. The post-partum depression she had sniggered at before had begun to rear its ugly head and while he could handle random uncontrolled outbursts of sadness he had been dreading one that related to her looks.
"If you look awful then I pity every other woman in New York."
"You're just saying that because you have to" Blair sulked. "Because you married me and because I gave you a child and that means you're now stuck with me. Don't give me that look, my appearance is ruined."
"No it's not. Even if it was, give me a little credit please. I happened to luck out in finding everything I want and need in such a beautiful package but I would love you just as much if you were a 2 and not a 10."
"That is crap and we both know it" Blair snorted. "I'm hideous and I know you think so. My whole body has… mutated."
"You've already lost some of your pregnancy weight" Chuck said. "Your figure will go back to the way it was. It's only been three weeks, give it some time."
"It's not just my figure" Blair complained. "I have stretch marks!"
"They'll fade."
"What kind of a stupid reassurance is that? And let's talk about my boobs for a while."
"Please."
"Have you seen them lately?"
"Several times a day. What seems to be the problem?"
"Have you looked at them? I finally have an ample bosom and they look hideous."
"Stop saying that word. It doesn't belong in a sentence with any part of you."
"Don't think you can slither your way out of this one. Either you think they are awful now or you've been talking crap since we were sixteen."
"You're going to have to spell it out for me because I really don't follow you at all."
"For the past eight years I've heard you blather about how my breasts are the perfect shape and the perfect size and perfectly firm."
"I'm a big fan, yes."
"Well they're not like that anymore. They're Serena's size, oddly shaped and there's not going to be a single thing firm above them once your son stops using them as a brown bag. Either you've been lying when you said you liked them smaller or you hate them now."
"I stand by my previous statement" Chuck said. "I also think they look great the way they are now."
"No, the diplomat's answer is not going to save you."
"I love you. I think you're very hot. What more do you want?"
"You don't think I'm hot" Blair said, tears beginning to fall down her face. "I don't arouse you at all anymore."
"What?"
"You haven't looked at me that way in weeks."
Chuck fought to keep back a sigh. Now she was just being irrational.
"We can't have sex right now" he reminded her. "I'm shocked you should even want to."
"I don't but that's not the point!"
"We're both exhausted and we've got our son to focus on. It's true that sex has been far from my mind since he was born but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. All the diapers and the spit-up and the sleepless nights…"
"It just sucks" Blair said, trying to dry her tears. "It's our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife and it should be special but it's not going to be."
"Why do you think I got us the reservations? We can make it special without giving the mattress a work-out, can't we?"
"You know, there are still things we could do" Blair said, going from sad to seductive in three seconds flat. "I may be out of commission for the time being but there's nothing wrong with your anatomy…"
"As lovely as that sounds you really don't have to offer" he said. "I don't think you're actually in the mood for it. When we both feel relaxed and ready we can start having naked quality time again. Until then, where's the harm in just making out? We can go to dinner then take a hot bath together if you're up for it. Maybe dance together?"
"Forget it" Blair sulked and got up from her seat. "Our first Valentine's in holy matrimony is completely ruined and settling for dinner and a bath and perhaps a dance is a mockery of all the things we would have done to display our love for one another if we hadn't had an infant. Why the hell couldn't we have conceived two months later?"
"If we had the baby born would not have been Julian. Since when do we need sex to show each other how we feel?"
"It's not about showing each other how we feel" Blair said, contradicting what she had said a few seconds ago. "It's about celebrating it."
"Here I thought champagne and a fine dinner were traditional ways of celebration."
"By all means, go out to dinner. I will be staying home, taking care of our baby."
She stomped off and Chuck sighed and rolled his eyes. He felt very disappointed at this turn of events and hoped she would change her mind once she had calmed down. Under normal circumstances he wouldn't dream of celebrating this holiday without some form of sexual activity but this was not a normal year. Just the thought of an evening filled with sex sounded exhausting to him at the moment and there was no question that Blair would not enjoy it. To him that meant they could celebrate by focusing on the aspects of their love that weren't directly tied to sex and appreciate each other through more emotional means but Blair seemed to be of a different mindset. He could probably give Eleanor a call right away and tell her that the plans for the evening were cancelled. It was shaping up to be a boring Valentine's Day.
It was an hour past midnight but Blair was awake. She was sitting up in bed, leaning back against a pair of pillows propped up between her back and the headboard. Chuck was curled up next to her, sound asleep. She studied him with a small smile on her face, her fingers gently playing with his bangs. She had been watching him sleep for the past half-hour, enjoying every minute. He needed his sleep. They both did. Still it was hard to resist touching him even though it might disturb his slumber. Almost acting on its own will her fingers left his bangs and her hand caressed his cheek. He made a noise and squinted, waking up at the touch.
"Hey" Blair said.
"What is it?" he asked sleepily. "Is it Julian?"
"No. I missed you."
"I'm right here" he said with a smile, closing his eyes again while her fingers returned to his hair. "I'll never be apart from you again. You know that."
"I do. But I still miss you when you sleep sometimes."
"Your Aerosmithian love is endearing."
She laughed a little and he smiled. This was the first time since the baby had been born that she had been this affectionate with him and he enjoyed every second of it. She had neither been affectionate nor in a good mood in the past ten hours so this was a nice change of pace.
"It's not Valentine's Day anymore" she said.
"Next year we'll have a much more naked celebration, I promise" Chuck mumbled.
"I know I was a pain today and I'm sorry. I've been so disappointed for over a week that we wouldn't be able to do anything special for our first Valentine's as husband and wife. But I just realized… The proof of how we feel about each other is sleeping in his cradle just a few feet away. I don't need a special day to show you how exceptional you are to me or to be reaffirmed in your feelings for me."
Still with his eyes closed he reached out his hand and took the one of hers not playing with his bangs. He gently ran his thumb over the back of her hand.
"And I'm sorry for being a hormonal bitch" she said. "Again."
"It's okay. Your 'I birthed your baby' get-out-of-jail-free card is still valid for another month."
She slid further down on the bed and began to rearrange her pillows so she could lie comfortably. Chuck opened his eyes and helped her settle in, then wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. She felt his hot breath on her neck and smiled. It felt reassuring and comforting.
"Sometimes I think about how close we came to missing out on all this" she said.
"The important thing is that we didn't."
"When I think about the times you weren't mine and couldn't be mine even though I wanted you to be… Those times when neither of us wanted anything in this world but each other but we still couldn't be together… It scares me a little. All our dreams came true in the end. People don't get these kind of endings. When is something going to go wrong?"
"Not every love story has a tragic ending" Chuck replied. "All those months, those years really, spent apart? They may have seemed like forever at the time but when we're in our golden years looking back at them they will be just one or two chapters in a very large book."
"One or two very difficult pages."
"All that matters is that there won't be any other chapters like them. Come what may you're stuck with me, for better or for worse. Nothing you could do could drive me away and our marriage is far too precious to me to ever gamble with."
"Sometimes I think of where we would be today if it hadn't been for those darker chapters. Somehow I don't think we'd have the same strength. We know what it's like to love each other and have everything we want together and to then lose it. Nothing stands a chance at coming between us. Not even my crazy hormones."
"You're going through something natural. You'll feel like your old self again before you know it."
"I'm just sorry I ruined our Valentine's Day. It wasn't the absence of sex that messed it up, it was me."
"It may be February 15th now but this, what we're doing right now, is what I wanted for our Valentine's."
She let the words sink in for a few seconds and then shifted to turn her head and look at him. He smiled a little at her and she felt herself welling up. She tried to force the feeling to go away, hating not being in control over her emotions. It took her a moment to dare to speak without her voice trembling.
"Do you want to make out?" she asked, feeling completely stupid when she heard how the words sounded. "You suggested it earlier." She almost cringed at the not-so-saving save.
"Are you sure you're up for it?" Chuck asked. "You don't want to try and get some sleep instead? Julian will wake up before we know it."
"Then we can have some quality time until then" she said, turning around so that her whole body faced him. She placed a hand on his cheek, leaned in and gave him a light kiss. "Sex or no sex, I need an outlet for my feelings for you or I might lose my mind."
He kissed her lovingly and rolled over on his back, taking her with him. Wrapping his arms around her back he let her tongue in his mouth and moaned with contentment.
She turned off the lights in the bathroom and closed the door behind her. The room was almost completely dark save for a lamp on her nightstand. Chuck was fast asleep, rolled over on his side facing the window. His wheezing breaths sent chills through her and she wondered if she would ever be able to fall asleep with that sound filling her ears. He had begun to snore when he neared his thirties and it had taken her months to get used to it but this would be even more difficult to grow accustomed to.
Walking over to the bed she ran her right hand up and down her left arm, hating the feeling of the wrinkles on her skin. She had never been able to accept the signs of growing old and she was beginning to put more and more faith in the idea that growing old was nature's way of easing the blow of death. Who the hell wanted to live forever like this? If she could have lived forever looking and feeling like she had at thirty then she would have eagerly accepted the opportunity. At that age she had been beautiful still, she had been vibrant and energetic, she had been happily married and the mother of two beautiful children. The love between herself and her husband had only grown stronger each passing year but the older they got the more subdued things had become. Not that they hadn't enjoyed long nights of endless passion when they were well into their sixties but there had been something about those earlier years that they had never been able to recapture. The passion and fire of two young people in love, the enthusiasm for adventure and exploration. Perhaps much of it had been in the knowledge that they had their whole future ahead of them and that this was only the beginning. Now they were at the very end and there was nothing more to look forward to except the few and far between glimmers of lucidity in Chuck.
She lifted up the covers and crawled underneath, scooting closer to her husband. She felt one of his feet against her leg and quickly drew herself back. His foot was icy cold and his toenails had scratched her a little. He had always kept his feet well-pedicured throughout his life but not anymore. It angered Blair that the nurses she paid good money to look after him didn't take proper care of his feet and she made up her mind to speak to them about it in the morning. Perhaps she would give his feet a work-over herself or send for someone from a quality salon. She would not permit any derivations from the way Chuck had kept himself during the majority of his life. That's why she still had him wear bowties when he was up and about.
She rolled over on her back and closed her eyes, wishing she had earplugs. After a few minutes his breathing stopped and her eyes opened and her heart started to pound in her chest. After two seconds he started breathing again and she realized it was probably nothing more than a hitch. It scared her all the same and she lay awake for a long time that evening, disturbed by the sound of his breathing and terrified of hearing it stop.
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