(A/N)-I PROMISE every single one of you that I have NOT forgotten about this fic and I am NOT getting bored with it. I love this fic to death, but I seriously have no time to sleep anymore, let alone write fanfiction. And I'm doing NaNoWriMo, so if I don't update all November, that's why. Again, I don't own Supernatural, and please be patient with me.

"You were yelling in your sleep again last night." Bobby said calmly as he sipped his beer, turning a page in the ancient book he was reading.

Lydia groaned as she put her laid her face on the table in front of her in embarrassment and exasperation. "Was I really?"

"Yup." Bobby answered.

"Sorry," Lydia lifted her head from the table and looked at the old hunter. "Did I wake you up?"

Bobby kept on reading, not even glancing at her. His tone was much softer and kinder, though. "Yeah. Don't you worry about it, kid. It ain't your fault."

Lydia only tried not to laugh. "Yeah, whatever."

"I mean that, y'know." Bobby actually sounded genuine.

"Bobby, you never mean anything. Don't try to act sympathetic, alright?" Lydia snapped back at him. He didn't answer her; he only shook his head and kept on reading. Lydia felt a bit ashamed for a second, realizing that her words had probably come out a lot harsher than she meant them to. Oh well.

She had been back at Bobby's for about a week, and they were some of the worst days of her life. Worse than losing her mother, both of her withdrawals, losing Cas, worse than anything Lydia could've ever imagined. She was on edge pretty much all of the time, constantly looking behind her and biting her lip, a nervous tic that seemed to be developing. She ate next to nothing and was positive that she had lost some weight since coming to Bobby's. Even her skin looked paler than usual. She didn't even bother with clothes or makeup or anything like that; she just put on hoodies and pajama pants, and that was that. Her mood swings were even worse. Every time Bobby tried to so much as even speak to her, Lydia would either withdrawal further from him, start snapping and getting nasty with him, or would just plain run into her bedroom and cry for hours on end. She desperately wished that she could just go completely numb and not feel any emotions, but that was not to be.

"So." Bobby said slowly, probably not wanting Lydia to start screaming at him like she was yesterday.

"So…?" Lydia offered.

Bobby sighed, still leafing through his book. "Are ya finally gonna quit that damn job at the club?"

Lydia felt a rush of anger. "I think that's fairly obvious, Bobby!"

"Do you mind not biting my head off for a second?" Lydia could clearly see that Bobby was frustrated with her. It was the first time all week that Bobby had raised his voice to her even a little bit.

Lydia still couldn't sympathize, however. She knew her behavior was irrational and erratic, but she couldn't control her emotions. Bobby had no idea what it was like, no idea what she was going through. She just got off the couch and stomped upstairs to her bedroom, cussing the old hunter out and calling him every name under the Sun under her breath. Once Lydia finally got up to her bedroom, she locked the door and made sure every closet door and window was shut tightly. She kept her gun right on the dresser next to her, ready to be fired at any moment. She was inspecting the gun as she heard a voice from behind her say, "Hello."

"Fuck!" Lydia screamed as she pointed the gun behind her, her hand on the trigger. She let out a small, quivering breath when she saw who it was.

"Cas, don't do that!" Lydia felt tears well up in her eyes, but she determinedly blinked them away. She wasn't mad at him, not really-she was more scared than anything. She could only thank God that it wasn't Sam; she was 100% positive that she would've shot him without thinking about it.

Cas slowly walked over to Lydia-his heart nearly breaking when he saw her tense up with every step he took-and gently took hold of the gun. Lydia was unwilling to let it go and held it tightly in her hands.

"Lydia, let go of the gun." Cas said, his tone completely serious.

"No."

"I am not going to harm you, Lydia," Cas tried again, this time with a softer and more sympathetic voice. "It's just me."

Lydia finally seemed to realize that it was in fact Castiel, and nodded gravely as she handed Cas the gun. The angel set the gun back on the table gingerly and touched Lydia's shoulder just as gently. "Are you alright now?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Lydia knew just how unconvincing she sounded, but she tried mustering up a small smile for Castiel's sake.

However, Cas wasn't fooled. He carefully took Lydia into his arms and rested his chin in the top of her head, breathing contently, just happy to have her with him again. He was struck by the fact that this was the same way Jimmy would hold Amelia or Claire before Cas took over his vessel. Then, all thoughts raced back to Lydia-just like they always did-and Cas held the girl even tighter. He could feel her muscles tightening up and her heart beat quicken out of fear and anxiety, but after a few seconds, Lydia's body relaxed in his arms and she started sniffling.

"Thanks, Cas." Lydia whispered with tears running down her cheeks.

Cas only kissed the top of her head, just like he had seen Jimmy do plenty of times, and felt Lydia's shoulders start shaking.

"Cas, I..." Lydia could barely finish her sentence, she was crying so hard. Cas only gathered her closer and kissed her forehead again.

"I know."

Lydia shook her head, pushing Castiel away as she tried talking to him again. "No, you don't know. I kissed Sam first! Whatever he did to me later is my fault; I'm the one who..." Lydia's voice was cracking; it was so bad that she couldn't even finish her sentence. "Everything is my fault, Cas. Everything."

Cas shut his eyes, obviously distressed. She had brought up the exact thing that he hadn't even wanted to think about. He almost never let himself think about how willingly Lydia had kissed him, her hands on his chest, his fingers taking off her clothes. But when he did, he felt just as much anger towards Lydia as he did Sam. He never showed it, but it was destroying him on the inside.

"Lydia, we can talk about that another time," Cas growled. "It is not of import right now."

"Yes it is!" Lydia protested. "Cas, don't you see how important this is! If I hadn't…If I had…Jesus Christ, I don't even know anymore!"

Castiel touched Lydia's shoulder and attempted to lead her downstairs. "Let's just go for a walk, like we used to in Iowa. You just need to calm down; you can't keep treating yourself…"

"Like the slut that I am?" Lydia planted her feet on the floor and smirked at the angel bitterly.

"That's enough, Lydia." Cas said warningly.

Lydia shrugged his hand away from her shoulder. "Oh? Now you're telling me what to do? I see how it is."

Cas stared at Lydia, her arms crossed and a stormy, angry expression on her face. He was clearly confused at her irrational behavior. "I don't understand your logic."

"No! Of course you don't!" Lydia snapped at him with biting sarcasm. "You've been hanging out with humans since 2008, Cas! Jesus Christ, are we really that hard to understand? You're so fucking naïve, it's pathetic."

"Lydia. Enough."

"I just told you, don't tell me what to do!"

Cas was breathing in and out deeply, trying to control his anger. "You didn't say that at all."

"Well, I'm saying it now!" Lydia was practically screaming by now.

"Why are you so upset at me?" Cas asked her. "I didn't say anything wrong, to my knowledge."

Lydia rolled her eyes. "See? Just like that! You talk like a robot! Try speaking like a human being, would you?"

"…But I'm not a human being."

"Well, still!" Lydia snapped.

"Are you done?" Cas finally let some of his anger and annoyance at her seep through. "I'm sorry, but I don't particularly enjoy being screamed at for no reason."

"Great!" Lydia exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. "Now you're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you…" Cas couldn't think of anything else to say.

Lydia snorted unattractively. "Yes you are. Don't try to say that you're not. You're a terrible liar, Cas. Always have been."

She had finally pushed Cas too far. He snapped. "Oh, cool story, 'bro'. I'll talk more like this, kay? Now go make me a sandwich, babe."

Lydia only stared back at the angel with a dumbfounded expression on her face. Cas coughed uncomfortably. "I have heard such things said on the television."

"Oh…" Lydia nodded, looking away for a second. Then, she turned back to face him. "So you are mad at me."

Cas noticed that Lydia sounded much more reasonable and much more calm than she had before. He slowly nodded, confirming her suspicions.

Lydia nodded, laughing bitterly. "Great. Awesome. Just what I need, right?"

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?" Lydia refused to even look at the angel. But it wasn't out of anger so much as it was out of guilt and humiliation. She was filled with complete and total self-loathing for what she had done with Sam. It was no wonder Cas was mad at her. Why wouldn't he be? It was only a matter of time before he left her again. The only reason he hadn't was because Sam had raped her. She instinctively braced herself for the goodbye from Castiel. She knew for a fact that it was coming sooner or later.

"Are you sorry for kissing Sam?" Cas answered her back, pulling Lydia out of her thoughts.

Lydia stopped completely, looking at Cas, confused. "Am I sorry?"

"Yes. Are you?"

"Of course." Lydia said softly, almost pleadingly. "I was drunk and lonely and missing you and if I could take it back, I would."

Cas nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?" Lydia pushed him to go on further. "What does 'okay' mean?"

"It means everything is okay." Cas said simply.

"But…" Lydia never finished her sentence. Castiel took a few steps towards her and kissed her lips. He knew he shouldn't have made that sudden move around her, but he just needed to kiss her. Right then and there, that's all he needed. To kiss her.

Lydia, on the other hand, was practically shaking in her boots-or sneakers, rather. Cas just coming up to her like that was enough to frighten her, but him kissing her terrified her completely. It took a while to convince herself that this was Cas, the Cas that would never hurt her, but once she did, felt completely relaxed, and for the first time, happy. They broke apart and stared each other for a moment before they both leaned in to kiss again. Cas' arms went around her tightly, and he slowly laid Lydia on the bed, then laid down next to her. They stayed there for hours, Cas holding her until it was almost midnight. They occasionally kissed, but for the most part, they had just stayed there and talked. About nothing, about anything, about everything. Eventually, right around ten or eleven, Lydia was starting to doze off.

"Lydia." Cas whispered.

"Hm?" She murmured quietly.

"I love you."

Lydia nodded weakly, her eyes still shut tightly. "Love you too, Cas." She was asleep inside 30 seconds.

About an hour or so later, Bobby Singer had finally finished with that day's work. He was about to go crash in his bedroom when he realized that he hadn't heard anything out of Lydia since she had stomped up to her bedroom hours before. Bobby went upstairs and slowly opened up her bedroom door. He figured that she would be dead asleep by now, so he definitely got a shock when he saw Cas holding her as she slept in his arms.

"How long have you been here?" Bobby whispered at the angel.

"Maybe twelve hours." Cas said, though he didn't seem exactly sure.

Bobby nodded, finally understanding. "You really love that girl, don't you?"

Cas nodded back silently, his eyes telling Bobby everything he needed to know. Bobby shut the door tightly and started walking towards his bedroom, thinking about his wife and how the way Cas looked at Lydia was the same way he used to look at Karen.