Seriously people, I need suggestions. My list is looking exhausted.
He isn't sure how long he waits at the front steps of Constance, but it makes no difference; Serena doesn't come to school. There is no worse day in the history of worst days Dan could have left his cell phone at home, and time seems to pass so slowly he actually thinks it starts moving backwards. Asking Blair had been totally fruitless, I don't have time for you right now Humphrey, or ever for that matter, and for the thousandth time he wondered why Serena was friends with someone so self-absorbed. He searches for Eric at lunch to no avail; the youngest Van der Woodsen is either avoiding him or absent as well. People whispered about him more often than not since he and Serena had started dating, but Dan is unaccustomed to dealing with the onslaught alone. When the bell finally tolls, he walks as fast as he can out the gates without running, pretty sure he'll punch the next person who mentions his girlfriend's name.
Dan sits on the bus on the way to the Palace, and try as he might he cannot get the Gossip Girl blast from his mind.
Is S really with child?
The whole situation is surreal, something that doesn't really happen, not to people like him. Not to Serena. But the fact that she didn't show up at school is pretty damning, and by the time Dan gets off the bus his insides are all twisted with anxiety. As usual he is greeted by the scowl of the large concierge, and Dan forgoes his normal attempt at conversation. The elevator to the suite is painfully slow, but a part of him hopes it stops and goes back to the ground floor; what if's are bombarding him from every angle, his sharp mind churning them out at an impressive rate.
What if it's true?
What if it's not?
What if she didn't want me to know?
What if she wants to get rid of it?
What if she doesn't?
Caught up in his own thoughts, the ping of the elevator startles him. He walks robotically down the hall, stopping in front of the door and staring at it. A lesser man may have been tempted to walk away; Serena doesn't know he's here yet.
Whatever Serena decides to do….I want to be there for her, I have to be there for her. I love her.
Dan grasps the doorknob and walks purposefully into the Van der Woodsen suite.
Hey, this is Dan, just, uh, leave me a message and I'll get back to you.
Serena drops the phone onto the couch with a soft sigh, flopping back onto the pile of cushions. Her bag is thrown haphazardly on the floor, and she has a neat little line of empty test boxes arranged on the coffee table. She'd always taken blasts from Gossip Girl fearlessly, but the one Eric had shown her on the way to school had her scuttling home to hide from the fallout. Whatever God there is has been looking down on her, since Lily is out of town for the week and her little brother might be the most understanding and supportive fourteen year old in the world.
Yet she would gladly endure Lily's withering gaze right now for Dan to pick up the phone. Because, for all the stupid mistakes she's made, all the times she's felt the sting of abandonment and disappointment, nothing compares to the raw isolation eating its way through her now.
What if his phone died?
What if he's angry?
What if he hates me?
What if he doesn't want me anymore?
She'd literally felt her heart and stomach drop when the two little pink lines had appeared on the test that morning, and as each test had the same result she felt less and less, until she had a complete row all reading positive and could feel nothing at all.
This isn't real, these things don't actually happen. But it is, and they do, and each time Dan's phone goes to voicemail Serena despairs a little further.
What if he doesn't want me anymore?
She didn't think she could handle it this morning. Now, seventeen unanswered calls later, it's all she can do not to curl up into a ball and sob.
"Serena?"
The familiar deep, gentle voice of her boyfriend sends a cool sensation of relief down her body, closely followed by blind panic. He saw the blast.
"Hello, is anyone…" His voice trails off as he wanders towards her room, grateful so far he hasn't seen Lily.
Serena sighs, moving to sit up on the couch, legs tucked beneath her, "Dan?" His head pops into the room, and their eyes meet awkwardly. She knows he can see the hesitance in her gaze, the fear; his own brown eyes are a mixture of relief and apprehension. Still, a small smile comes unbidden to her face, "Hey."
The word is soft, scared, and Dan smiles his trademark crooked grin at his girlfriend, "Hey."
He sits on the couch beside her and both are careful not to touch eachother. The distance between them is alien, but Serena's too unsure of him to breach it right now. He's looking at her, wishing she'd look back. But Serena is afraid, afraid that she's going to lose the most important person in her life, and that fear keeps her blue eyes focused on her hands in her lap.
"I tried calling you. You've probably got twenty messages on your voicemail."
Dan doesn't like the uncertainty in her voice, the way it makes her waver. "I'm sorry, I left my cell at home," she nods almost imperceptibly, "Serena-"
"I'm sorry." She says, cutting him off.
"For what?"
She laughs humourlessly, "Oh, Dan….." The space between them is unbearable, and he can see a teary light in her eyes and a sad tremble to her chin.
Fuck it.
He reaches across, wraps his fingers about her wrist and gently pulls her over to him. She falls against his shoulder, allowing him to wrap her in his embrace. As monumentally screwed up the situation is, in that moment with his warmth (physical and emotional) radiating up her side and his smell pressed against her face, she's so contented, so secure.
He wants me, even now he wants me.
"I love you."
What?
Thoughts, feelings, fears, they all stop dead in their tracks. And suddenly she's a little unsettled, leaning back to look at him, "Dan…"
"I do." There's unadulterated honesty in his brown eyes, an honesty so pure she could cry, "Whether you're pregnant," she winces at the word out loud, "or whether you're not, I love you. And there is nothing you could say right now to change it."
A tear slides down her cheek, and Dan frowns, "No, no, don't do that. It's okay." Serena puts her hands either side of his face and pulls his lips to hers, kissing him slowly, softly. She pulls away, resting her forehead on his. They stay that way, breathing each other in.
"Dan?" It's barely a whisper, and he strokes her face with is thumb, "Yeah?"
You must say it. You cannot run from this, you must say it.
"I'm pregnant." She murmurs tearfully, playing with one of his ears.
"I know." She grasps the hand that's against her face, her grip tight,
"I'm pregnant." She's shy and scared and a little bit heartbroken, and Dan kisses her cheek, her nose, her forehead.
"It's okay, Serena. It's going to be okay."
Serena lets out a sob, pushing him back to stare with her panicked navy eyes, "How? How is this okay?" Saying it out loud has given it shape and form, and it's overwhelmingly scary all of a sudden. "What am I going to tell my Mum, or your Dad? I don't even know what I….what to…..I don't know."
Dan wishes he had more experience with women, because she's looking to him for answers and he doesn't know what to say. To him, it's simple; whatever she chooses to do, he loves her; that isn't to say he knows what she should do.
"I wish I could tell you what to do," He says softly, "But I can't make this choice for you. Whatever happens, you need to know I'm here," he takes her face in both hands and stares straight at her, because she must know this, "We will figure out what to tell Lily, and we will figure out how to handle this."
Serena stares at her boyfriend, all sure and confident and still here, and she wonders what she did to deserve someone so…so beautiful. Panic and fear and pure, unadulterated adoration are warring within her, and she didn't know it was possible to feel so conflicted and so content at once. Serena had loved her father as much as a child could, and he left; Carter had loved her so long as she was light and airy, and he left too. Lily, Blair, Nate, Chuck, Georgina- all of them had abandoned her at some point or another, even when she'd done her best to please them, to make them stay.
And here is a boy she's known for less than a year, someone she's dragged to events he hated full of people he hated more, someone who her best friend and mother regard with open disdain, and he's still here, looking at her no differently than he had yesterday. She might have just ruined his life, he of all people has reason to leave.
And he's still here. It kind of blows her mind.
"I love you too." It's the scariest thing she's ever said, including the proclamation of pregnancy moments before. Dan smiles, all warm brown eyes and crooked grin, and nothing has ever felt as comforting as the small kiss he presses on her cheek,
"I promise you, Serena, it will be okay."
It's not an answer. But she smiles through her distress and kisses him softly, because she believes him. She trusts him. She loves him.