(A/N)-Hey guys! I hope all of you had a great Christmas/Hanukkah/whatever holiday you celebrate! I just got a new computer, so I'm still trying to figure out how to work it, and that's why this chapter is later than I expected. Your reviews and story alerts/favorite story alerts are so great and I'm so grateful to all of you that follow me. I hope Hellatus isn't treating you too badly, and even if it is, we only have ten more days left! This chapter, chapter 19, follows part of "The Man Who Would Be King", but it's pretty AU. The actual action and more exciting moments of this episode are coming in the next chapter; this chapter is mostly talking, flashbacks, and mindless fluff. Not to exciting, but next chapter will hopefully be a bit better. Okay, I'm going to shut up now! Here's the chapter!

"Lydia, just listen to me!" Cas ran after Lydia, who had stormed out of the diner angrily. "I know you're upset, but please listen to me…"

"Listen to you!" Lydia turned on her heel and screamed in Castiel's face. "You want me to listen to you? I think I heard enough!"

She turned around and kept walking away from the diner, but Cas kept up with her, walking right next to her. After a few seconds, Lydia stopped and turned to face the angel. "Would you please cut that out!"

"Not until you calm down and listen to me." Cas grabbed her arm and pulled her closely; they were so close that their noses were almost touching and they could see every little detail in each others faces. Lydia was silently glaring at him, so Cas took the opportunity to explain himself.

"This is the thing I tried telling you about," Cas slowly started. "I just never got the chance to."

Lydia folded her arms across her chest, completely focused on Cas, so much that she was oblivious to the fact that it was starting to rain. "How long?"

"How long what?"

"How long have you been working with him?" Lydia demanded.

Cas shut his eyes, reluctant to answer. Finally, he opened them and unwillingly told her, "About a month after Sam jumped into the Pit." Lydia threw her arms into the air, furious, but Cas quickly tried to talk. "Lydia, I wanted to tell you. I did. But there was just too much going on…"

"Cas, that was almost two years ago!" Lydia was fighting every urge in her body not to hit him right then and there. "I was there, at Bobby's, the entire time! Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because…" Cas struggled to find the right words. He touched Lydia's cheek lightly, trying to brush away a random raindrop, but she pushed it away with so fury that he kept his arm locked at his side. "Listen, if you just come back inside with me, I can explain everything, I promise…"

"No." Lydia hissed. "Tell me now. I don't care if I have to stand in the rain all night. You're telling me right now."

Cas extended his usual two fingertips and pressed them against her forehead lightly, taking them both to his favorite heaven; the Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who drowned in a bathtub in the fifties. There was snow on the ground, but neither he nor Lydia felt any cold. Looking behind him, he sat down a bench and motioned for Lydia to do the same. Once she was sitting, Cas looked as his hands as he sighed quietly.

"You know that I've been here for a long time," Cas began. "I remember when I was younger, I was at this shoreline with an older brother, and a little fish crawled on the beach as my brother told me not to step on that fish, because there supposedly big plans for that fish." The angel cracked one of his rare, genuine smiles, and Lydia, in spite of all her anger, couldn't help but smile back. Cas' face got serious again as he told her, "I was there for all the Bible stories you're probably familiar with, like the Tower of Babel and Cain and Abel and David and Goliath. The angel sighed, fidgeting with his hands. "But the most remarkable thing I remember is how two boys, an old drunk, and a fallen angel stopped destiny…with a little help from a drug-addicted stripper."

"Shut up, I barely did a damn thing." Lydia nudged him with her arm.

Castiel nodded proudly as he continued, "We stopped the grand story by ripping up the ending and the rules and the destiny…" Cas sighed heavily. "And that's great, but what if I made the wrong choices and how would I know and how am I going to…" He stopped for a moment when Lydia touched his hand lightly, reminding him that she was there. He nodded, shutting his eyes, before murmuring, "I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll tell you everything I did this past year. Everything."

XXX

"Hello, partner," Crowley looked up from his experiment as Castiel walked into his lab. "So Eve's brain is dead as a tinned kipper, and yet…" Crowley reached into Eve and pulled out a handful of eggs. "She keeps laying eggs…Watch this." The King of Hell himself touched Eve's brain with a poker, and the vampire he was keeping chained up seized and screamed violently. Crowley pulled the poker away and shrugged. "Chocula here feels every tickle. Apart from the obvious erotic value, I'm stumped. Can't figure out why or what it's good for."

"Crowley," Cas sounded exasperated with his so-called partner. "You said Eve could open the door to Purgatory."

"Correct. I'm confident she could have…if she was still alive!" Crowley roared furiously. "We had the single best chance to get over the rainbow, and the Winchesters went and killed her!" Crowley shook his head, fuming. "You screwed up, Cas. You let the hounds mangle the pheasant, and now I am up to my elbows in it."

"Crowley, what does it possibly matter?" Cas coldly questioned the demon. "I'm holding up my end of the bargain."

"You sure that's all your holding?" Crowley stepped closer to the angel and breathed in. "I can smell her. Your girlfriend. I thought we agreed-no more date nights. Not to mention that your two little pets are currently trying to hunt me down and kill me!" The demon gave Cas a bitter smile. "Forgive me, but I think you might have a conflict of interest here."

XXX

"Crowley, of course, had a point," Castiel's face grew almost proud as he started talking about Dean and Sam. "My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters' guardian. They taught me how to stand up, what to stand for…and what generally happens when you do." Some of the worry had seeped back into the angel's weary voice. "We stopped Armageddon. But losing Sam…it was just too terrible. And in all my arrogance, I thought could go to Hell and raise Sam…"

"It was you," Lydia gasped. "You brought Sam back. But Cas, why wouldn't you tell me or Dean or somebody? Dean spent an entire year having no idea his brother was even alive, and Sam did really, really horrible things…"

"I know that," Cas rubbed his eyelids in exhaustion. "I thought I could raise Sam by myself. I was arrogant. I thought…" Cas shook his head, unable to finish. "And I did end up raising Sam…but not all of him."

Lydia nodded. "So that's why he didn't have a soul. You didn't bring back his soul." Lydia bit her lip before asking, "It was an accident, right?"

Cas nodded, and continued the story…

XXX

Crowley watched the vampire writhe in agony with a mild interest before turning to Cas. "I'm begging you, Castiel. Please. Just kill the Winchesters." He raised a warning finger as he said, "And if you don't, I will."

q"Crowley, no," Castiel firmly told the demon. "We've been through this before. If you kill them I'll just bring them back." The angel shook his head. "We have bigger things to worry about, like Purgatory. If you don't find it, we will both die again and again, until the end of time. The Winchesters won't get to you."

"Go on and let them get to me!" Crowley roared as Cas walked out of the laboratory. "I'll tear their friggin' hearts out!"

XXX

After Cas finished telling her what happened in the lab, they both sat on the bench in silence. Cas was worried that she would reject him and start yelling at him again, but instead, she dully stated, "I don't understand." When Cas looked at her questioningly, she raised her head and sighed. "Why Crowley? Why would you start working with him in the first place?"

"Raphael," Castiel's voice had a hint of bitterness and hatred in it. "wanted to start the Apocalypse all over again. He demanded that I and the other angels pledge ourselves to him so we could free Michael and Lucifer, and the big fight would happen as planned."

"And what did you do?" Lydia asked.

"I said no," Cas stood up a bit straighter. "And got knocked into next week by my big brother."

Lydia nodded, catching a few snowflakes with her hand. "That's why you started the war? To stop the Apocalypse?" Cas nodded, and Lydia patted his hand gently. "No offense Cas, but that's a heavy burden for anyone to carry by themselves."

"I know." Cas looked ashamed of himself. "That's why I started working with Crowley. I didn't seek him out; he came to me with an offer..."

XXX

"Castiel. Angel of Thursday." Castiel, who was watching Dean rake leaves, invisible to the former hunter, turned around to see Crowley, the King of Hell, smirking behind him. "Just not your day is it?" Crowley starting circling the angel, as if he was inspecting him. "How'd you like to discuss a simple business transaction?"

"Are you trying to make a deal with me?" Cas was dumbfounded. "I'm an angel, you ass. I don't have a soul to sell."

"That," Crowley pointed at the angel, "is exactly what I want to talk about. "The souls. That's what it all comes down to, right? If you want Raphael's head on a pike and happy endings for all of us, I suggest you come with me for a little chat." Crowley winked. "Just hear me out. Five minutes. No obligations. I promise-I'll make it worth your while, angel."

XXX

"So you went with him?" asked Lydia. "Cas, Crowley's bad news. Even I know that. For God' sake, he's the King of Hell! Why would you…?"

"I'm not a fool, Lydia," Cas sharply defended himself. "I wasn't then and I'm not now. I knew who Crowley was and what he did. But I was smarter than him, stronger. I see now that I was prideful." Cas' shoulders slumped a bit, and he sighed. "So maybe I was a fool after all…"

XXX

Castiel found himself…somewhere. Where he was, he had no idea. Crowley stood next to him, taking in the scene with a smile, as Cas watched what looked like billions of people standing in a long, never-ending line.

"Where are we?" asked the angel.

"You don't recognize it, do you?" Cas shook his head, and Crowley beamed with pride. "It's Hell, new and improved. See, problem with the old place was most of the inmates were masochists already. A lot of 'thank you sir. Can I please have another hot spike up the jacksie?' But just look at them." Cas watched as everybody in line took one more step forward. "Nobody, not even the masochists, likes waiting in line. And when they reach the front of the line…they go right back to the end again." Crowley winked. "That's efficiency."

"You have four minutes." Cas deadpanned.

Crowley rolled his eyes. "So what are you planning to do about Raphael?" He never let the angel answer; instead, he exclaimed, "How about resistance? You know, you got a lot of angels swooning over you, Castiel. You know, with you being 'God's favorite' and all. Buddy boy, you've got what they call sex appeal."

"Thank you, I'm not strong enough and you know it, Crowley," Cas was growing more and more impatient. "Now get to the point."

"Angels need leaders, Cas," Crowley explained. "So be one! Gather your army and kick the candy out of each and every angel that shows up for Raphael."

"Are you proposing that I start a civil war in Heaven?" Cas' voice was full of disbelief and doubt. "You're asking me to be the next Lucifer! And the power that it would take to mount a war…"

"More than any of us have ever seen, yeah," Crowley put his arm around Cas' shoulders and extended his other arm. "But picture this for me, Castiel. Purgatory. An untapped oil well of every fanged, clawed soul. I mean, what's that over the years? 30 or 40 million? Just sitting there, plump and rich for the taking."

Castiel shrugged Crowley's arm off of him and continued walking down the long hallway of Hell. "And how would you find it when no one ever has?"

"From experts, of course," Crowley purred smoothly. "I know of two eerily suited 'Teen Beat' models with time on their hands. Hey, there's also a big, bald patriarch I can take off the bench. The point is…they can get us to the monsters. The monsters can get us to Purgatory. I know it." Crowley raised his eyebrows and said, "Just give me half the souls, and all this could be yours."

"So that's your price in all of this?" Cas squinted at the King of Hell, trying to make sure he wasn't being fooled. Crowley nodded, but Cas looked less than pleased with the idea. "This is pointless. Your plan would take months, and I need help now."

"Ducky, my position isn't all that stable," Crowley dropped the charm. "Those souls would help, just like they'd help you. Besides, wouldn't you rather have me in charge? The devil you know instead of the devil you don't?" When Cas merely squinted at him, Crowley sighed. "Okay. I'll show you just how serious I am about this scheme…How about I float you a little loan? 50,000 souls from the pit. You can take them up to Heaven. Make quite a showing. It's either this or the Apocalypse all over again. Everything you've worked for-everything Dean and Sam worked for- all gone." Cas knew that Crowley was dangerous, that he shouldn't listen anymore, but Crowley was playing on what affected him most-his ego. He kept on listening. "You can save us, Cas. God chose you to save us. And I think…deep down…you know that."

XXX

"Crowley…" Cas struggled to explain himself to Lydia. "He tapped into the most dangerous part of me-my pride." The angel sighed, "I know it's not an excuse for what I've done, but he made me believe that I could stop Raphael if I worked with him, and the thought of being a powerful leader like that…" Castiel shook his head, unable to go on any further. "And so went the road of good intentions."

Lydia was silent again, looking down at her lap. She tucked a piece of hair around her ear and tried to comfort him. "Cas, you tried to do the right thing. I get that, I do. But why did you not think you could tell me or Dean what was going on?"

"I don't know," Cas admitted after a long silence. "It all goes back to my arrogance. I thought, after becoming an angel again, I didn't need to depend on you all anymore. Dean was retired, and I wanted him to stay that way. And you could finally be free of me; I thought that you wouldn't be in harm's way anymore..."

"Because that worked out so well." Lydia retorted.

Cas nodded, realizing she was right. "I know. I'm sorry." He paused for a few seconds. "I didn't want to leave. It pained me just as much as it pained you. But I thought I was doing the right thing." He paused again. "I thought about you all the time. Every day, in fact."

Lydia, after looking at him for a while, start rummaging through her pockets. She eventually found what she was looking for and pulled out a familiar-looking necklace; it was the necklace that Alyssa had given her right after she had first met Castiel. Lydia heard Cas make a surprised sound, and she smiled lightly. "That necklace just has a way of coming back to me, y'know? Every time I tried to get rid of it, it just kept coming back to me." She dug into the snow with the toe of her boot as she added, "Just like you."

Cas took the necklace in his hand and started moving it around, inspecting it closely. "I suppose you're right." He gave the necklace back to her and stood up, extending his hand. "I'll take you back to Bobby's now. I'm sure he and the Winchesters are wondering where you are."

Lydia shook her head, the grin on her growing even bigger. "Probably not." Lydia laughed as she took the angel's hand and let him pull her to her feet. Once she was standing, Cas took both her hands in his and spun her around awkwardly. Lydia giggled at his awkward movements and twirled herself around correctly. Cas, in reaction, started to shuffle around, probably trying to dance, but the movement was so clumsy that Lydia burst into a fit of laughter. She tried leading the dance, but even still, Cas was so terrible at it that she just hugged his waist and put her head on his shoulder, moving slowly in a circle with him. Cas put his arms around her tightly and whispered into her ear, "Are you still angry at me?"

"Well…no," Lydia picked her head up and looked at Cas. "I mean, I wish I was, but you're really hard to stay mad at, so…" she shrugged, then mischievously grinned, bending down. "But you did keep me in the dark for almost two years, so you're going to pay for that." Lydia stood up and chucked a handful of snow at Cas' face, dissolving into hysterical laughter at the look on his face. She then started shrieking and guarding herself as Cas picked up snow and threw it back at her. A spontaneous snowball fight erupted, with Cas losing terribly-for a while, anyway. Once he saw he was losing, Cas ran full-speed at Lydia and tackled her to the snowy ground. Lydia, who was still giggling the whole way through, dissolved into loud, helpless laughter as Cas' fingers found their way into her ribcage and started tickling mercilessly.

"You son…of a bitch!" she gasped out, trying to wiggle away.

Cas kept on tickling her, undeterred. "I told you I'd get you back one day."

"I'm going to kill you!" Lydia started pounding him with her fists, but once his fingers reached her armpits, she couldn't do anything except lay there and laugh.

Cas seemed to be enjoying himself; he was smiling and laughing right along with her. Once Lydia's face had gone beet-red and tears were streaking down her face, however, the angel jumped back and worriedly asked her, "Are you okay?"

Lydia laid there on the ground, struggling to catch her breath. "What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"But then why are you crying?"

"Because I started laughing so hard I was crying!" Lydia exclaimed. As she sat up, she coughed a little bit from all the irregular breathing. "Just consider yourself lucky this time, Cas. When I was younger, my mom used to pin me down and tickle me so much my nose would bleed. I even peed myself once or twice."

Cas nodded, not sure what to say. "That would be…unpleasant."

"You're telling me." Lydia stood up and brushed the snow off her clothes. I think I should leave now. For real this time."

"I think so too," Cas nodded, then stepped forward and kissed her forehead. He held her at arm's length and told her, "Thank you."

"For what?" Lydia cocked her eyebrow. "For throwing snow in your face?"

"Well…yes." Cas shrugged. "For a few minutes, you actually made me forget that I was fighting a war in the first place."

Lydia shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm kind of your girlfriend, Cas. I'm supposed to make you feel better when you're upset. It's part of the job description."

"I suppose." Cas squeezed her shoulders once more. Then he asked her, "Are you going to tell the Winchesters about…?"

"Crowley?" Cas nodded. "No, I'm not. It's not my secret to tell. And anyway, there's no real reason they have to find out, y'know?" Lydia sighed and kissed Cas one last time. "Okay, I'm ready."

Cas pressed his fingers to her forehead once again, and just like that, she was gone, leaving him to stand alone in the snow.

XXX

When Lydia opened her eyes, she was back in Bobby's kitchen. She listened closely for a moment, hearing voices coming from the living room. She walked into the room to find Dean, Sam, and Bobby talking in hushed whispers.

"Hey," Sam nodded at her. "Um...how was Cas tonight? Is he doing okay?"

Lydia nodded carefully. "Yeah, he's fine...Why?"

"It's because these two over here," Dean pointed at Bobby and Sam, frowning. "Think that Cas meant to let Crowley get away."

Lydia was positive that she felt her heart stop for a few seconds. She took a deep breath and prayed to God that they wouldn't know she was lying.

"Guys, it's Cas we're talking about!" Lydia exclaimed, watching the three of them closely. "He probably just made a mistake. Nobody's perfect. And anyway, we've found Crowley before, and we can do it again!"

Bobby stared at her suspiciously, and for a wild moment, Lydia was sure that he would call her bluff any second. But he didn't; he only nodded and gruffly said, "I guess you're right. It ain't nothing we can't handle."

"Yeah," Lydia nodded weakly, her heart still pounding. "Well, I'm going to bed now, so I'll see you guys later."

"See ya, kid." Lydia started walking up the stairs, letting out a sigh of relief. Maybe she couldn't keep the truth from them forever, but she could damn well delay it.