Patrick's Rock, Bikini Bottom, Some Day In 2010, At Some Time Around 3
Female Announcer: Hello and welcome, to the Twenty-fifth Annual Stupid Contest!
Patrick fans in audience: Go Patrick! Go Patrick!
Odie fans in audience: Leave Patrick! Leave Patrick!
Female Announcer: And now, here's the host of the stupid contest...Bert Traffics!
Patrick's rock opened and Bert Traffics entered.
Traffics: Thank you Tiffany! It is an honor to be here in Patrick's rock today. But mostly because it's where the thing I've always wanted to host is happening.
Traffics: So, Bikini Bottom...
Audience: What?
Traffics: Are you ready for a stupid contest?
Audience: No.
3 Seconds Later
Traffics: How 'bout now?
Audience: Sure.
Traffics: Good.
Traffics: In this corner is a guy who has a hard time remembering his first name, our reigning champ, Bikini Bottom's own Patrick Star!
A bunch of pink and light green fireworks went off as Patrick walked in with his mom.
Patrick fans in audience: Yeah!
Patrick: Why did you make me do this Mom? You know I don't like it.
Patrick's mom: But it's so rewarding at the end when you get a big blue ribbon. Plus how do you know you hate it? You've never even done it.
Patrick: Actually I have, 24 times.
Patrick lifted up his black "I'm With The Dummy" t-shirt that had 24 blue ribbons on it.
Patrick's mom: Oh. Well I do quickly forget when somebody wins something that's blue.
Patrick: You can probably see a doctor about that.
Patrick's mom: Now go out there and win your very first blue ribbon.
Patrick: But I...
Traffics: And in this corner we have the challenger, a puppy dog who took 3 years just to learn how to breathe. All the way from Muncie, Indiana, give it up for Odie!
A bunch of yellow and brown fireworks went off as Odie walked in with Garfield.
Odie fans in audience: Yeah!
Garfield: Ok Odie, now is your time to shine!
Odie: Ruff.
Garfield: Oh-no! Don't tell me your nervous.
Odie: Arf.
Garfield: Well you shouldn't be. Your way stupider than Patrick. You wanna know how I know for sure?
Odie: Ruff.
Garfield: Well for one thing, you're not even smart enough to know how to talk. But second of all because Patrick does nothing all day long. And when you do nothing you sit still and when you sit still you think about stuff. So when Patrick thinks about the stuff he gets smarter. But you never sit still unless you're watching TV. But the only TV program that can make you smart are documentaries and I never turn one of those on unless they're about either pizza or lasagna. So this means that all the knowledge Patrick has sucked in, you've ignored. Resulting in you being the dumbest living thing in the entire galaxy.
For a moment Odie said nothing and just stood there slobbering.
Garfield: You didn't understand a word I said did you?
Odie nodded his head left and right indicating his answer no.
Garfield: That's good. Very good. But are you still nervous?
Odie nodded his head up and down indicating his answer yes.
Garfield: Why?
Odie: Arf.
Garfield: Patrick's undefeated, big deal. But if you're a big fat chicken then I'll be here for emotional support.
Odie smiled because Garfield had done something nice for him for the first time in 5 or 7 years.
Garfield: I'll be back in about an hour because I have to meet Spongebob at the hot air balloon store. But good luck. Go knock 'em dead.
Odie walked up to Patrick and punched him on the top of his head like a hammer. Stars started floating around it as he started to regain consciousness.
Garfield: Odie, knock 'em dead means don't let him win.
Odie: Ruff?
Garfield: The stupid contest.
Odie: Arf?
Garfield: The one that's happening right here right now.
Odie: Arf?
Garfield: Just forget it. I don't have time to answer all of your ridiculous questions. The hot air balloon store is on the other side of town and it closes in 3 hours. Good bye.
Garfield ran right out of Patrick's rock and got on a bus that just happened to be there. The bus drove out of sight and Patrick and Odie got up to their podiums where Bert Traffics was standing behind a table that was in between the two contestants.
Traffics: Well contestants, usually this contest lasts for about 11 hours because there are hundreds of questions in it, but the network wants to start their marathon of every single NFL football game ever played ever as soon as they can so we only have time for 6 questions. Press your big red button if you think you know the answer. For every question you answer incorrectly you score 10 points, but for every question you answer correctly you lose 10 points. Whoever has more points at the end wins.
Patrick: But since it's gonna be so short, how's about we do a little wager.
Odie: Ruff?
Patrick: Whoever loses has to do whatever the winner says for a month.
Odie thought that that bet was too risky but then realized it would be worth it if he won. Him and Patrick shook hands and Bert Traffics was ready to ask the first question.
Traffics: First question! What is 2+2?
Buzz!
Traffics: Odie, what is your answer?
Because the host couldn't speak Odie's language he held up three fingers in order to give his answer.
Traffics: That's incorrect! 10 points for you.
Odie fans in audience: Yeah!
A small scoreboard on Odie's podium went up to ten and he was now very motivated for the next question.
Traffics: Second question! What is your first name?
Buzz!
Traffics: Patrick, what is your answer?
Patrick: Uhhm, could you repeat the question?
Traffics: What is your first name?
Patrick: According to the script of this story my name is Patrick.
Traffics: That is correct. You lose 10 points.
Odie fans in audience: Yeah!
Patrick's podium went down to negative ten which made him very angry.
Patrick: Drat! I forgot this was a stupid contest.
Traffics: That's ok. It means you're getting even stupider.
Odie was afraid that he was going to lose because he thought negative numbers were bigger than positive ones.
Traffics: Third question! What is your last name?
Buzz!
Traffics: Odie, what is your answer?
Odie was trying to think of the answer but he couldn't. So he said nothing until time ran out.
Whooly Whooly!
Traffics: Sorry Odie but that sound means time's up. But you did give an answer and it was correct.
Odie: Arf?
Traffics: You don't have a last name because you're a dog. You lose ten points.
Patrick fans in audience: Yeah!
Odie's scoreboard went back town to zero. He was now incredibly angry because he didn't even give an answer.
Traffics: Fourth question! What did I just say?
Buzz!
Traffics: Patrick, what is your answer?
Patrick: You said "7-Eleven cups smell like puke once you throw them in the garbage".
Traffics: No. I said "Fourth Question! What did I just say?" I don't even know what 7-Eleven is. But anyway you get 10 points.
Patrick fans in audience: Yeah!
Patrick's scoreboard was now back to zero and it looked weird because he was happy about it.
Patrick: Yes! I'm no longer negative.
Traffics: The score is all tied up at 0. Only 2 questions left.
Patrick raised his right hand in the air.
Patrick: Excuse me Mr. Host guy but I have a question.
Traffics: What is it Patrick?
Patrick: How much is two?
Bert Traffics held up two fingers.
Traffics: This many.
Patrick: Oh.
Traffics: Fifth question! What color are you?
Buzz!
Traffics: Odie, what is your answer?
Odie held up a piece of paper with a picture of a glob of red paint on it.
Traffics: That is incorrect. 10 points for you.
Odie fans in audience: Yeah!
Odie's scoreboard went back up to ten but he was cinda disappointed because red is his favorite color.
Traffics: Final question! And this one's gonna be pretty tricky. How do you spell Nicktoons?
Buzz!
Traffics: Patrick, what is your answer?
Patrick: N-I-C-K-T-U-N-E-Z.
Traffics: Wrong! 10 points for you Patrick.
Patrick fans in audience: Yeah!
Patrick: Yes.
Traffics: And the final score is Patrick 10 and Odie 10. For the first time in stupid contest history we have a tie!
Everyone in the audience: A tie!
Traffics: You heard me. So thst means nobody gets a blue ribbon.
Patrick and Odie were sad for a moment because neither of them won.
Traffics: But it also means nobody has to be anybody's servent.
The two of them became happy to here that something good came out of the tied game.
Patrick: You know what, I'm cinda glad we tied because I was hoping that he could be friends.
Odie (In a Scooby-Doo kind of voice): Really?
Patrick: Yeah. I say we go to The Pizza Palace and celebrate our non-victories.
Odie and Patrick walked out of his house to get to The Pizza Palace. Another friendship had just been born but the fans weren't too happy about it.
Everyone in the audience: Booooo!
Everybody started throwing garbage and tomatoes at Bert Traffics until he finnaly thought of what to say.
Traffics: People! People! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Everybody stopped so they could listen to what he had to say.
Traffics: What are you booing?
An Odie fan: The fact that Odie and Patrick are friends now.
Traffics: But since they are then why are you still rivals with the Patrick fans?
A Patrick fan: Hey, he's got a point.
Same Odie fan from before: Yeah you're right. Let's all go to The Pizza Palace.
Everyone in the audience ran out of Patrick's house excited.
Traffics: If only every sporting event could end like this.
Patrick's mom (angrily): You mean where there's no true winner.
Traffics: No I mean when a rivalry has ended.
Patrick's mom: That's not the only thing that's ended today.
Traffics: Well what else has?
Patrick's mom: My son's ability to say that he's an undefeated stupid contest champion.
Traffics: Techniclly he still can because he didn't lose today.
Patrick's mom did the same thing to Bert Traffics that Odie did to Patrick earlier. She walked out of her son's house angry enouch to rip a phone book in half. Bert Traffics slowly got up off the ground.
Traffics: I say we go to that football marathon now.
Cameraman: Sorry the network cancelled it.
Traffics: Why?
Cameraman: Because they realized very few people would watch it and that it would take years to broadcast.
Traffics: Are you saying that my all time favorite TV sports event was shortened for no reason.
Cameraman: Pretty much.
Bert Traffics dropped his microphone laid down on the floor and started crying.