Don't Cry For Me
Seven
"Is your offer still open?"
Kurt chewed on his lip as he watched his stepmother mix flour and eggs in a large bowl. It was times like these that he missed his mom the most. Missed the closeness of cooking together and sharing secrets. Although Carole never tried to take his mom's place, she was always there when he needed her. He couldn't imagine not having her in his life.
She stopped at his question and smiled encouragingly at him.
"Of course, sweetie. What's up?"
He was glad she remembered. Glad he didn't have start from the very beginning.
She continued mixing, her attitude nonchalant. Kurt wasn't fooled though. She wasn't making it a big deal, giving him the chance to reveal as much as he wanted. He wasn't sure how much to tell her. How could he explain the whole Karofsky thing?
Kurt sighed as he stood next to her, cleaning the slight mess from their baking.
"When Blaine and I got together, I was ecstatic. But now, I'm just not sure. I mean he's great…" He lifted his shoulders as he tried to convey his thoughts.
"But …?"
"I don't know. He cares about me. But there's this other guy…"
She looked at him curiously but didn't ask the question. For that he was grateful.
"And this other boy says he loves me. Everything about him is so intense. His feelings are so big he has a hard time containing them, even though he desperately tries. Something about that is appealing."
"So you have two opposites. Blaine is reserved and this other boy … isn't."
"Exactly. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt either of them. But I'm so confused."
The quiet warmth of the kitchen surrounded them as they worked. Kurt moved the pan closer as Carole spooned in the cake batter, her mind clearly on his words. Once the cake was in the oven she turned to face him.
"The thing is, Kurt, none of that matters."
He dropped the dirty dishes in the soapy water and glanced back at her in surprise. Wiping his hands on the dish towel, he gave her his full attention.
"I don't understand."
"Whether a guy is reserved or passionate, or funny or sarcastic… it doesn't matter. Because it all depends on you. On what you want."
"Isn't that selfish?" he asked looking down at his hands.
"Probably. But you need to be selfish, Kurt. Is it fair to either Blaine or this other guy if you're doing something just to make them happy?"
Kurt chewed on his lip, contemplating. She had a good point, but he just wasn't sure.
Carole smiled at him in that knowing way, like she could read his mind. That mother look that got him every time.
"You feel like you owe Blaine something?" She lifted his chin up, and he knew the answer was in his eyes. "You think you're responsible for this other boy's feelings?"
"Maybe," he replied softly.
"You have to make it all about you, Kurt. Only then can you be sure you're doing it for the right reasons."
"So you're saying I have to do what's best for me, before I can be there for either of them."
She nodded at him with a fond smile.
"I've tried to figure it out. I really have," he said his voice low and his face heating up as he paused in embarrassment.
Carole squeezed his arm. "You know you can tell me anything, Kurt."
His voice was a whisper as he twisted his hands together, unable to look at her. "I tried to get the other boy to kiss me. I have a boyfriend and yet I asked another boy to kiss me." He looked up sadly. "I just wanted to know—but he wouldn't."
Carole pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back in comfort. Kurt clung to her, finally able to break down. "Oh, sweetie," she said softly. "If you have to ask the question, then you already have your answer."
~#~
Thankfully the Lima Bean wasn't crowded. He knew doing this in a public place wasn't the best idea, but he didn't know what else to do. As soon as Carole uttered those words, he knew she was right. Just the fact that he wanted to kiss another boy—whether it was because he had feelings for Dave or because he wanted a reason to not be with his boyfriend, the result was the same. He couldn't go another minute lying to Blaine.
"Hey, Kurt."
Kurt watched anxiously as Blaine sat across from him, his handsome face frowning.
"Are you okay? I thought being back at McKinley would make you happy."
"I am glad to be back. I just…" Kurt reached out and took his hand. "I need to tell you something."
Blaine searched his face, giving him a nervous smile. "You're starting to scare me a little, Kurt … are you breaking up with me?"
He didn't know whether to be relieved or not. It definitely wasn't going anything like he'd planned.
"Blaine, I really care about you. It just isn't working. I thought this was what I wanted, but…" he shook his head sadly.
"You are breaking up with me. I can't believe this is happening."
Blaine stared at him like he was a stranger, someone he'd never seen before, and it broke Kurt's heart. Somehow he'd hoped they make it through this as friends. But he realized now how foolish that was.
"I'm so sorry."
"I just don't understand. I thought we were happy. I mean, I know you cried most of the time. I guess that should have been my first clue, huh."
"Blaine, don't…"
"Don't what? Take it personally? Be hurt that my boyfriend is dumping me? In my favorite coffee shop of all places? One that I can now never go back to?"
Kurt resisted rolling his eyes. He felt terrible but really did Blaine have to be so dramatic?
"Is there someone else?"
He looked up in shock. It wasn't an unusual question to ask during a break up, but he was positive Blaine was just lashing out. Probably pointing out to Kurt that there was no one else around. That he was throwing away his one chance at happiness. Still, Kurt couldn't help the blush that spread across his face.
"Oh, my God. There is someone else." Blaine shocked look was almost comical. Almost. His eyes bored into Kurt, his jaw clenched. "Who is it?"
"This really isn't about someone else…"
"You're a terrible liar, Kurt. Who is it? None of the Warblers, I'm sure, or you wouldn't have left. Is it someone straight that you have a crush on?"
Kurt glared back at him. Did he really think he'd break up with him over an infatuation? Or did Blaine think Kurt couldn't get anyone else. That was probably it. Usually the other boy was fairly clueless, but this time he was obviously able to interpret Kurt's anger correctly.
"Okay, no. Someone closeted then."
Blaine's eyes searched his face, looking for any response. Kurt didn't know what to do, but he had to stop him from guessing further. The answer was just too obvious. And he was right. Kurt was terrible at lying.
Kurt stood up. The only thing he could do was leave. He felt horrible. Blaine had helped him so much, and for it to end like this was tragic. If only he would let it go.
"Sam? Puck? Oh, God please tell me it's not Finn."
"Just stop Blaine before you embarrass yourself," Kurt said, grabbing his coat. "I really am sorry…"
"Karofsky."
Kurt stopped. The world seemed to end, as the blood rushed to his face. He couldn't look at Blaine. Couldn't stand to see the condemnation on his face.
"I'm right aren't I? I can't believe this."
Kurt's throat was swollen with unshed tears. "You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me. Because I want to understand why you're leaving me for your bully. Do you love him?"
The pain and anguish on his face tore at Kurt's heart. He couldn't stand to see him hurting like this.
"I don't know how I feel, but I need to figure things out. Okay?"
Blaine stood up his beautiful face twisted with anger. "So I guessed if I'd shoved you around more, we might still be together. Is that what you like Kurt? Being hurt? Humiliated? You should have just told me."
He knew Blaine was responding out of pain, but that didn't make the words hurt any less. Especially when Kurt had asked himself the same questions. Was he just a masochist?
He shook his head, both at himself and Blaine. Dave has changed. The bullying wasn't what attracted him to Dave. He wasn't sure exactly what it was, but now wasn't the time to dwell on it. Not when they were getting stares from others in the coffee shop.
"We're done here. I know it was stupid, but I hoped we could still be friends. I can see that's not possible."
"Kurt…"
"I really do care about you, Blaine. I realize I've hurt you. But that doesn't give you the right to judge me."
Blaine attempted to grab his hand, but he pulled it away. The other boy shoved his hands in his pockets. "He's only going to hurt you. Can't you see that? He'll never come out of the closet for you."
Kurt slipped his coat on, ignoring the inquisitive stares around them.
"Goodbye, Blaine."
As Kurt walked out, he felt a sense of sadness. He wasn't only losing a boyfriend but a close friend.
He was surprised to find that he also felt a sense of relief.
He no longer had to pretend.
No longer had to lie.
He was free.
That more than anything made him realize, he was doing the right thing.
Even if David Karofsky wanted nothing to do with him, even if he never came out of the closet, it didn't matter.
Nothing else mattered.
For the first time in a long time, Kurt was being true to himself.