Life has been hectic... and I'm still enjoying it somehow. I've gotten a decent ways into Chapter 6 in A Man at the Crossroads but I haven't started fixing up the next chapter of this story yet. I should work on that soon... but I'm just so tired and my birthday is Friday and I feel like... well I feel under appreciated for some reason. Don't really know why.

Chapter 3

Facing Death

"You're dead, Potter."

"Funny, you would think I'd stop walking around…"

My eyes strayed towards Potter, with no will of my own. He could have allowed me to stay at the edge, contemplating whether or not I should die. I could have done it. My shoe would have been the first to go, although now that I think about it I am rather proud for tying it on my own rather than using a stupid elf. Perhaps I should perfect my skills until it looks like the other students' ties. I will be able to do it on my own and show off my pride in doing so. Of course I don't need to tell anyone of my accomplishment. That would just be ridiculous.

But I could have died.

That thought made my head snap up in time to see just who I'm trying to not think about any longer. Potter was flying with grace and agility, just as always. It was another one of their practices so I was stuck hiding in the shadows in order to watch him without arousing suspicion. I'm not in love with him. That much is obvious, but I am intrigued by his acts of heroism when he's so obviously human like the rest of us. He gets scared, angry, and passionate. He sucks at Potions and he was a suck-up to Dumbledore. No wonder there's a rumor going around that they did more than talk in the headmaster's office.

This fascination only started because of the fact that he saved my shoe. I should say he saved my life but I'm not feeling that generous and I don't really know for sure if I would have jumped off or not. That actually matters. So I won't go around claiming that he saved my life right there. I do not need to owe him my life twice, although… I almost don't want to say I owe him anything. He didn't save Crabbe.

I looked down at a band of metal around my wrist and saw that it's just two days until the anniversary. My parents won't notice it of course and yet the whole wizarding world will, but for a different reason. I should probably be happy that his death was on the same day as Voldemort's but I just don't care. He was as good as dead anyway when he first lost to Harry Potter, it was only a matter of time before he would die again. Of course, at the time, I didn't know for sure. But Crabbe was different. He shouldn't have died.

"Malfoy, you seem to have taken a liking to me." Potter smirked as he glided over to my seat. I clenched my jaw and scowled but he just laughed and got even closer to the platform I was on. "What's the matter? Shocked I knew you were here? It wasn't all that hard. You tend to stick out wherever you go." He smiled, but it looked genuine causing my eyes to widen before I leered at him. What is his problem? I was just here to figure out what their strategy will be. No… as soon as I lie to myself, that's the day I have truly failed at being a Malfoy.

"You are a fool, Potter. I would rather die than waste my time here with you." I growled, knowing full well that this comment isn't appropriate for this moment, but I couldn't bring myself to care. It hurt being so close to him. His eyes dancing like flames and his body radiating heat onto me even though he's at least three feet away. I can't handle all this… fire. I need my ice; I need something cold, I need anything that's not burning away at this frozen heart I cherish. Anything that will help me keep these memories locked away.

"Are you alright? You look scared." Potter murmured softly, as he jumped off of his broom, sweat was trickling down his temples but the rest of him was covered in his uniform. He looked like he was working hard but still wanted to do more, kind of like me in a way. The others on the team were landing on the ground, it seems as though their practice is over. No one is here to see us… they can't see the way my palms are sweating or the nervous twitch in my brow, they don't know that my mouth is filling with water as though I'm looking at ice cream. They don't know, and I refuse to let anyone know how I've fallen for a ghost, but luckily it's not love and falling just means I have to land on solid ground eventually, catching myself before the crash.

"No, I am not alright." I hissed and then turned around and left just as my eyes were beginning to burn. The stairs were a comfort, a way to help me breathe once again and clear my eyes of that stupid sensation that's attacked me the last few days. It feels odd to be around him. "I'm contaminating myself…" I hissed softly as I stalked towards the castle. That's when I heard Ginny Weasley shouting about something Potter did, sounding excited. I smiled icily and scoffed at the scene. She was hugging him tightly and laughing loud enough for me to hear her about fifty feet away at the very least, succeeding in annoying me. That's when I bumped into another annoyance.

"Malfoy? What are you doing out here?" Blaise asked curiously, tilting his head to the side as I just glared and shrugged him off. He shows up often when I don't want him, but feeling as drained and disturbed as I am, I didn't bother putting a silencing charm on him. He looked past me, at Potter, and then smiled softly. "Is that Harry Potter? They're acting like he just won the game or something. Oh yeah, the game is coming up next week. When is the next practice going to be?" He asked me with a smile on his face, seeming to put all his faith in me.

"I don't know yet. How about you decide, I'll have us work on one of Marcus' favorite strategies. It won him several games in his time so it may do the same for us." I said, just saying something without really thinking much about it. But Blaise seemed to be happy to hear such a plan from me, which let me know that I had been worrying him lately. He really is an idiot.

"Sounds like a plan." He grinned. "You seem a bit… more human today. I like it, it's a nice change." Blaise informed me then turned around and started to leave. "Let's go to the common room, or do you want an early lunch? Either is good for me, but I don't think you should be spending so much time alone." He said as though he were a parent of mine or had any real authority over me. That was fine though, I like the idea of hanging out with someone today, rather than being alone. We walked into the castle with matching scowls but his eyes were playful while mine were amused. I feel a bit… better today, than usual at least.

"It's almost the day." Blaise informed me in a light tone but his eyes were tight.

"Almost," I nodded curtly.

We stayed silent after that.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that I didn't want to get up, which in and of itself that meant that I didn't really wake up at all. Goyle was crying softly on his bed and I could see Blaise just staring at the ceiling with a blank look on his pale face. Sighing to myself, I finally got up knowing one thing for sure, I don't want to look like those losers. The boys' showers were relatively empty but the students who were in there left as soon as I arrived. Blinking roughly I then recalled that I can use the Prefect's bathroom instead so I left swiftly and hurried to the bathroom before anyone could see me.

My body was as heavy as a troll but that didn't stop me from rushing forward to start the drains of cold water going, with the appropriate mixture of lavender and lilac perfumed liquid. An odd mixture of purple and yellow flooded the baths but I couldn't bring myself to care as I stripped off my clothes swiftly and slid myself in. My tense shoulders relaxed immediately as my eyes stung with tears that couldn't shed themselves. I have much more dignity than that.

The look of surprise on Crabbe's face when the spell went out of control… it flashed in my mind and refused to go away. Eyes stinging worse than before, I turned off the faucets then dived under water letting myself get fully covered by the water's comforting embrace. But it's not good enough. I want to cry, scream, smash everything in the school, and hit Potter's smug face until it's distorted and no longer recognizable to even Dumbledore's portrait. Today is not a good day and it never will be.

"Draco!" A voice cried making me lift my head immediately, my face covered in bubbles as I gazed at the light blue form of Moaning Myrtle. She smiled at me and gave a little finger wave then got into the bath. I wiped the bubbles off of my face and nodded in return as she just gazed around the Prefects' bath in silence. She understands me ever since I gave her the chance to, and since then she visits from time to time, preferably in the bath for some reason.

"Hello, Myrtle." I answered and leaned back, not caring if she saw me naked or not. I'm sexy as all hell and I know it, so it doesn't make a difference to me if she notices it as well, although judging by darkness along her cheeks I know she has. She smiled wryly at me and then began to inch a little closer. Sometimes she reminds me of Pansy but since she can't really touch, it doesn't bother me. I've caught the stupid little Slytherin inching her hand up my thigh once and she hasn't tried it again.

"It's the day, isn't it?" She asked with a bit too much excitement. I just nodded nonchalantly and looked away as my eyes grew cold with water. She just chuckled darkly. "I'm so sorry your dear friend died a year ago, Draco. How awful," Myrtle cackled and flew into the air gingerly. I shrugged it off.

"It's not your fault so I refuse to accept your apology." I answered in a dull voice, not wanting to talk to her if she only wants to hear me cry. This is sometimes the case. She just gets bored with being the saddest person in school so she likes to enjoy others misery for a while. This is probably why she went out of her way to visit today.

"But then whose fault is it?" She asked in response with a little pout. I looked up at her with furrowed eyebrows and then looked away as my eyes began to narrow. A choked sob came out without my permission and soon I was burying my face into the water in order to clean my eyes. When I came up for air she was right in front of me, looking serious, if not a little pouty. "Whose fault is it, Draco?"

I looked up at her and forced myself to do so evenly. "The fault is mine. It is and always will be my fault that Crabbe died. This is what you want, right Myrtle? To hear poor little Draco cry about how it's his entire fault and how he doesn't even know what to do with himself anymore? That I'm such a pathetic wizard that I'm even contemplating suicide! That's it, right Myrtle? That's what you want to hear isn't it?" I shouted and punched the edge of the bath. She flinched then flew back a little. She looked sadder than usual but I couldn't bring myself to care. She's the one who wanted me to answer her stupid question all because of her stupid sadistic mood!

"I'm sorry, Draco… I just wanted someone to be sadder than me, but I don't think I want that anymore." She said softly, as she began to cry. This is the first time I've ever seen Moaning Myrtle cry without letting the whole world hear it. That's when she turned around and swept out of the room looking like her life just collapsed around her.

"Who cares about that ugly thing anyway? She's just a spoiled brat who doesn't understand that just because we're both broken doesn't mean I want her company." I hissed but it wasn't as harsh as I intended, instead the words themselves seemed to fade as I buried myself inside the warming water. It was slowly becoming room temperature letting me know I need to get out soon. But…

He used to smile at me on Christmas.

It was just a Christmas thing, he would get me whatever amazing thing his family could afford that I would scoff at… but every Christmas morning as he handed me the present he would smile at me, a genuine kind smile that showed that he likes being with me, even if he's just a wall of meat I use for intimidation. I still have all the presents they've given me, my parents just don't know it's from him and if they did then they would probably trash the gifts. My friend is dead and they wouldn't bat an eye getting rid of the poor trinkets. But I protected them and kept these things safe, knowing that they're important to me. Everything he did is now important to me.

He also had a thing for Crab cakes. The irony was not lost on me but apparently he was so used to eating and loving Crab cakes that he often forgot he shared the same name as the pastry. It was funny and used to make me smile when I saw him stuffing his face with a few. It was an easy Christmas present to get him and my father wasn't suspicious in the slightest. He thought that a mere pastry for Christmas was my lack of thought for the two but it was the opposite, and I gladly never corrected him.

But on Christmas I didn't get a smile from Crabbe or smile in return at his antics.

I had been too busy pretending…

Like always.

When I got to the Great Hall, I wished I had stayed in bed today instead of getting out. Fireworks were exploding at regular intervals but apparently there had been a silencing charm put on them so it was just the pretty colors everyone saw instead of having to listen to the loud explosions as well. Streamers were falling down and showing scenes from the battle from last year including the fighting furniture, and the feast was even better than at Halloween. I ignored all the excitement and instead sat down across from Pansy. Blaise and Goyle weren't anywhere to be seen so I knew they were lucky enough to be in bed.

"Apparently they want the Slytherin versus Gryffindor match to always be the last Quidditch match from now on instead of first because of the whole Harry Potter (Gryffindor) against Voldemort (Slytherin) its rubbish isn't it?" Pansy asked looking as though she just wanted any attention she could get from me. I nodded but didn't say anything more until I saw some cold crab cakes on the table. Smirking to myself I grabbed one.

None of the other tables seemed to have any and the crab cakes on our table were right in front of my plate. Perhaps someone told a house elf about today… but who would have known about crab cakes? Goyle is too stupid to know where the kitchen is and Blaise never really hung around us during Christmas. Ignoring all the stupid thoughts that flashed through my brain I just took a bite and smiled a real genuine smile.

That's when I used a napkin to spit it back out, I hate crab cake. Someone's laughter rang a little too loudly, glancing up I saw Harry Potter staring at me with the biggest smile on his face as he covered his mouth with his hand. Great… of course he would see me at such a moment. I blushed lightly though knowing full well that it probably looked humorous, especially if someone has crude taste, like Potter. Blaise and Goyle opened the doors to the Great Hall and almost immediately turned around and left. I couldn't blame them but I couldn't leave them without at least showing them that I don't like this either.

Grabbing a couple crab cakes I walked swiftly out of the hall. Tonight they are supposed to list all the names of the people who died last year, first saying all the heroes and then the villains. I've been told that Crabbe's name will not be mentioned. I had merely nodded at this and then went on my way, unable to care about it as much as they obviously do. Those people who died… it doesn't matter to me at all if no one is willing to admit that Crabbe died too. Sure he was being a moron and of course I tried to stop him but even so… he should be mentioned, even if no one but the ones who knew him mourns Crabbe's death. McGonagall should at least have the heart to mention his name, at least in passing.

"Blaise and Goyle," I called lazily as the doors shut behind me. The two turned around from farther up the hall and looked at me curiously, as though not knowing why I would come out to see them. I tossed Blaise and Goyle their crab cake and held the last one in my hand. "Crab cake for Crabbe." I said blankly and held mine up, trying to ignore the pain in my chest. They held theirs up and together we all took a bite and ate it in silence. Goyle was crying again as Blaise just trembled, but they were both wolfing the cake down. I took two more bites before shoving the rest of the disgusting pastry down my throat.

"Thank you, Malfoy." Blaise said softly with a nod, still looking sickeningly pale. He knew Crabbe, even if it wasn't as well as we did. Slytherins stick together and we are always true friends, unlike the other houses. There is nothing that will separate us, not even murder. Although… death is the one thing we can't stick together and fight.

"Yeah, Draco," Goyle responded intelligently before he turned around and hurried toward the dungeons. His eyes were blotchy and a bit swollen from the tears; I wouldn't leave the common room either. Blaise just stood there in silence before walking up to me.

"I was given a letter today from someone, it just told me to make today different in a way that would commemorate Crabbe. Goyle was the one who told me about the crab cake, so I went to the kitchens to make sure you had some near you. Someone else in this castle misses Crabbe too." He said softly as he eyed the corridor warily. I just glared at him. What the hell did he think this information was going to do for me? Honestly! I'm not going to bow down and thank some stranger for not minding his own damn business.

"So you took the advice of a stranger? We are not supposed to be pitied, Zabini. We are purebloods and rich as well, even with the shame to our names we should not have to stoop so low." I growled but he just frowned at me with a pitying expression. I don't like that look on his face. Clenching my fists I scowled and tried not to let it intimidate me. That look was like a parent looking at his/her child going on about their perfect coming future. It was not one that I feel I deserve under the circumstances because I am right. We still have our pride and should not be relying on some lowly stranger for this.

"Draco… we've fallen. All of us are just shadows of what we used to be, our names mean nothing anymore except dirt. We're so low that it's almost a blessing that someone would stoop this low to help us. Stop acting like it's before the war, Draco. Time is still going, even though Crabbe and Severus are dead. Just deal with it." Blaise retorted angrily and shoved past me. Watching him go, I couldn't help but notice how tall he's gotten, and how wide his shoulders are. Blaise became a man sometime when I wasn't watching. He grew up and left me behind somewhere. What the hell am I supposed to do? We were supposed to be better than this… we were always better than this. My eyes widened before I turned around and ran down to Severus' old supply closet.

I'm going to make a Euphoria Potion, one that makes sure that I am happy today, and that nothing can bring me down. It's a forbidden potion but many are. This potion was one that Snape made sure to teach me in case I might need it one day. This day is as good as any to use it on myself, especially with the way that… I just found out that I'm as low as dirt. The moment you rely on a stranger is the moment you die. My father taught me that. Taking a deep breath I gathered the ingredients from the potions book he had left behind in the closet. It should only take me two hours and since there are no classes due to this being a holiday… no one should disturb me.

Ice spread through me from my finger tips on the ingredients page to my head that was filling to the brim with cold air. I knew today would be a terrible day, that was obvious and now I have to face up to that fact, I can't just hide like Goyle and I can't accept it like Blaise. I have to force myself to deal through potions… Snape… Crabbe… what about me? I should have died… I did so much more than them… I deserve so much worse than what they were given. Maybe, it's the ones left behind that we should pity. But that doesn't matter… I just…

I just have to be okay…