There is no excuse I have besides a ridiculous amount of family issues I've had in the last few months. This story ran away and hid in some deep, dark corner of my brain and refused to be found until a few days ago. I needed to rewrite the entire future of this story, and now I know I will be able to update more regularly. I hope you can forgive me for ignoring this story, but please review to tell me if you like the way this story is headed!

The first thing Kate noticed when she woke is that the bed was cold. Not just got up an hour ago cold. Like never actually slept in cold. When that thought broke through the cloud in her brain, she sat up suddenly. Where was Castle?

She saw no bag near the couch anymore, no clothes thrown around the room besides hers. Oh God. No, this couldn't be happening. Why did he leave?

She scrambled out of bed and searched every inch of the room to make sure her fears were right. Quickly sliding on her dress, she searched the pockets for her phone.

"Agent Shaw please." Kate waited a pause until she was transferred.

"Beckett why such an early call? Find anything useful last night?"

Kate took a deep breath before speaking. "I've been compromised. Castle found me." She left out how compromised she got last night.

"Kate. How did this happen? Shit, we need to restructure this entire operation! Who blew your cover?"

"God I don't know how he found me, I swear. I didn't make any contact with him I just don't know what to do anymore."

Her voice had risen higher and she was choking back tears. The floor she was walking on was cold and her feet made soft padding noises as she paced the length of the room.

"Detective Beckett! Get yourself together! Who knew you?"

"Rick…Castle. Castle found me. I'm so sorry I can't do this anymore. No type of closure would be worth more pain that I caused my friends. Please, let me go I don't want to work at this anymore."

"Kate, I know I forced your hand into this situation. But a cop killer is a cop killer. Please make sure of what you are saying before I make this decision. If we stop this now, you will almost certainly never find your shoot or who killed your mother. Do you want that? I don't want to sound horrible, but will you able to live with yourself after this? I know the reason you agreed to this. I know you more than you think, Kate.

"Will you be able to have the life you want knowing he's still out there? I want to help you here, Kate, that's why we did this. I've kept tabs on you ever since I left our case. You want to know why? Because I could tell how much you wanted what I had. I know you tried to bury feelings deep down inside but you wanted to be able to come home to a family and getting shot by a sniper can put a metaphorical bullet right in the heart of that. You can't distance yourself anymore Kate. You won't be able to crawl back out of that.

"I risked my job for this. The need I have to put this last remaining man from a series of murders that span decades is great, but it doesn't even touch what you must feel. If you really cannot stay anymore, then go. We can restart the operation from the beginning and change stuff around. But you will not be kept in the loop. You will not know any new information, leads, or actions. Hell I don't even know if I'll be able to tell you exactly why he did it any longer. But if you need to go, go. We can't force you to stay any longer than you want."

Kate was stunned. She had stopped pacing in the middle of Shaw's speech to her and it struck a chord inside of her. Would she be able to truly walk away from this? The need to find this person and make him suffer had always been a driving force for Kate, but could she be the woman she was before any longer? There was no way for that to happen, and she wasn't sure if that's even what she wanted anymore.

She wanted Rick. But why would Rick want her? She's damaged goods now, more than ever. She hid from him for selfish reasons that she could never make up for.

"I just…I can't be here anymore. I've done so much damage already I can't bear to do any more. He didn't deserve this; none of them did. There was so much selfishness in my actions that I wouldn't forgive myself if the roles were reversed. If I wait much longer I will never be able to repair the damage."

Shaw gave a deep sigh and Kate could hear a chair squeak in protest on the other line.

"I respect that Kate. You saw that before anyone had to tell you to look in the other direction. But you know, there's no going back to the NYPD until this killer is caught or you will be even more in the headlights. People from here, bad people, will recognize you the second the papers get a hold of Nikki Heat rising from the grave. WE can't have the operation being partially blown like that. Will you be willing to wait it out? Months may go by Kate. And you can't go back to your apartment either. There's a lot of change that you need to make happen. Just make sure you don't end up in the newspapers."

Kate had not even thought about how much trouble she could be in if her name got out. Shit.

"I'll figure something out. I just need to get my life back together before it's too late."

Shaw promised that she would send over the paperwork required to get her out of the mission and where all of her belongings were stored in the city.

Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan might be easier to deal with. Rick would be on a whole new level. She would have to step up her game.

For some reason, the perfect idea already came to mind.

XxXxX

It took Kate a few days to find a new apartment in SOHO, almost as good as the last one she had. It was much smaller than her old ones, mainly because she was jobless at the moment. There was money still coming from her FBI and NYPD job, but since she couldn't work at either organization until the shooter operation was finished, every single dollar counted. She couldn't turn to her father or Rick for money right now. Not that Rick would even talk to her.

And that was the problem she had. It was more important than her apartment, her clothes, and money. Getting Rick to talk to her and trust her again was the top priority. Kate had already written out the letter to go with the gift she had picked up on the way to the new place.

The beating in her heart as she got closer to Rick's building and her palms started to sweat. There was no going back after this. This was one way she could win Rick back, and this was the only choice.

She nodded curly at the doorman who let her into the building and she quickly made her way into the elevator. The moment the doors dinged open her stomach dropped. The hallway to Rick's door seemed to be out of a dream; getting longer and longer the further she walked. When she reached the door, the bag in her hand was placed on the ground. The metallic color stood out harshly against the brown of the wooden door. Kate gave a loud series of knocks before walking fast to the elevator door. Almost the second Rick's door opened the elevator doors sounded their arrival. Kate pressed the lobby button and looked at the carpeted floor in the elevator.

xXxXxX

Castle was trying to write in his office when the knocking startled him out of the daydream he was having. He quickly walked to the door, bare feet padding on the floor. The bag on the floor caught his attention first and his head snapped up towards the elevator down the hall. A flash of dark curls was the only thing he could register before the doors finished closing. Eyeing the bag carefully, Rick took in into the kitchen. A letter was resting at the top of a nicely wrapped small square. His name was scrawled in cursive on the white envelope and his curiosity peaked.

A small letter was folded inside the envelope. He quickly unfolded and nearly dropped the paper into the bag when he realized who it was from.

"Rick-

I know you would never talk to me, so I figured this would be the only way I could reach you. I am so sorry. I know these are just words, easy to say and easy to ignore. So I'm not just using words with you. I am using little and grand gestures. As many as I can think of and manage until you forgive me. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't care.

I need you in my life, Rick. I really do.

In this package you will find breath mints. The first case we had you nearly got shot and gave me a heart attack. When I asked you if you were alright and you told me that our killer needed a breath mint. You use humor to distract from fear, but now you have some for your future gun-touting suspect next time you pull a stunt on the job.

Always,

Kate"