Yue was out tonight.
Toph leaned back against the chaise lounge on the balcony, her eyes shut tight, the moon's beauty invisible to her anyway. Her fingers curled around the hand rest of her seat, absentmindedly circling her thumb over the weather-beaten calluses embossed onto the wood, stroking them softly into death. The cool night breeze made her bones shake, kissing her pale forehead and lips, leading the loose tresses come undone from her braid in a waltz timed to the vibrations rippling through the earth beneath her soles. It stole through the folding doors left ajar behind her, dancing with the steam rising from the freshly brewed pots of tea and clay cups lifted to the lips of men who murmured their gratitude. It lifted the chatter of the commoners from below up to her, their breaths smelling of wine and fine dining, her surroundings overlapping into each other to fashion a gentle orchestra of melding senses catered to her discerning palate only.
Her free hand brought the small cup up, a slight upward quirk forming at the corners of her mouth as she inhaled the roasted scent stemming from the liquid within the earthen pottery, appreciating the scent. There were traces of fire here- the tea leaves were practically cinders, releasing their fragrance and taste all at once, too quickly, too powerfully. The black tea was strong and heady in fragrance, and probably flavor; it would definitely keep her up tonight. It wasn't as if she minded, though, she thought. She was touched by Zuko's action; she knew Iroh had too delicate a hand to release such a searing flame upon the tea leaves at his shop. Surely his customers would run him out of town.
So she here she was, reclining upon her usual seat, anxiously awaiting the Fire Lord's return from his teashop duties to- what? Renew their friendship, she supposed, she hoped, taking a sip of the steaming liquid and rolling it over her taste buds, savoring the burst of smoky essence. Instead of grimacing as she swallowed the bitter dredges, her tongue lashed out to meet them, the ashes crumbling as they made contact with her saliva. Toph settled back into her chair, her shoulder blades chafing against the hard surface through the filmy material of her dress. The tears that had escaped as she embraced her old friend had not entirely finished their conquer of her eyes. She should be glad it was Sparky, and not one of the others, who had come. She should be glad that he came alone. She should be grateful that at least one of her old friends was concerned enough to want to continue their friendship, check up on how the youngest member of the old group was faring...
Yet she couldn't ignore the disappointment that was alight inside her, painful and sharp, writhing against the delirium that Zuko's visit had brought. The two conflicting emotions struggled and thrashed against each other, the burnt remains decaying within her. It left the taste in her mouth acrid, bitter; she loathed herself for being an ungrateful spoilt brat, ashamed and embarrassed that it was even possible for her to still feel this way about him despite the mental and physical restraints she had given herself. It made her feel desperately weak, like he was the only reason she existed in spite of everything she had done to strengthen and heal herself. The walls she had built to protect herself were collapsing, fading into cinders like his letters, the air filled with smoke and dust, choking her and leaving her gasping for a breath. Her tears were salty and fresh, burning a hole where they fell, the air around her rife with misgivings as she watched the flames consume her carefully constructed path, the embers cutting her off from possible salvation.
She drained the cup and laid it on the wooden table beside her as Zuko made his way to the balcony, closing the shuttered doors behind him before taking his seat next to Toph. She wasn't one for talking nowadays; like in the way she bended, she now preferred to wait and listen. Accordingly, she poured herself another cup of tea to fill the silence, her hands fumbling slightly over the wooden table. She sipped her tea noncommittally, focusing on the rim of her teacup and the movements of the black tea she could feel within. She didn't want to know why he'd come here; she had a sneaking suspicion, and if that was the case, it'd be better for both of them if she immersed herself in the delicate pattern the pottery possessed along its sides and pretended not to know.
'Toph,' the Fire Lord began gently, leveling her with a concerned glance. 'I think you know why I'm here.'
'Actually,' she replied, her voice neutral as she surveyed the teacup, 'I have no idea.' She might be pretty damn good at detecting a lie when it was told, but she highly doubted that Zuko possessed the same ability.
He was silent as she gulped down her tea, regretting it instantly as the flames licked her throat. 'Do you have any idea how worried I've been?' He took a deep breath. 'We've been? The last we heard of you was from a damn newsletter about how you won Earth Rumble, and you haven't replied to any of our letters for at least three months, let alone tell us you're the Commander of the Dai Li! If the Earth King didn't accidentally let slip about your new appointment in one of his letters, I'd probably still be worried to death! I've been in the air for three days, Toph, coming to see if it were true; did you know that we very nearly set out to find you? Sokka wanted to abandon his ambassador duties; he wanted to launch a search on the entire Earth Kingdom. We had to reason with him, tell him you probably had a good reason for completely dropping of the radar and that you'd resurface when you were ready, but S-'
'Don't say it!'
The first time he had said his name, it was like a jolt of lightning had coursed through her body. She feared the second time would set her on fire. With a sudden violent twist, she had turned in her seat to face Zuko, her dead eyes wide and blazing. Her body was tensed, the earthen pottery in her hands and on the table responding to their wielder, two broken cobwebs splintering, shattering into ceramic arrows that cut through the air, hurtling in all directions, tunneling into their graves in the stone floor around the two benders.
She heard Zuko's cry of alarm, his weight shifting just a shade faster than the projectiles she had sent flying. She felt droplets of hot liquid land on her dress, searing her hands, the tea that had pooled on the table tapping a soft melody into the earth below. The blackness she saw was suddenly alive, hazy but deadly, ready to strike at the smallest of distractions. Her nails were digging into the blisters and calluses on the contours of her small hands, which were balled into fists. Her pale cheeks were oddly in contrast to the racing of her heart, her chest heaving and breaths sharp now, her anger and terror and plain hate at that name, the simple prospect of it, lashing out so viciously… She hadn't even noticed she'd bended. Toph squeezed her eyes shut, deliberately slowing her intake of air as she fought to rear her emotions in. What had she done? She felt the poison subside, shame coloring her face. When she felt calm enough, she lifted a trembling hand, in control once again; the shards gathered themselves together, meekly settling themselves into a sheepish mound.
Toph's mouth opened, closed, and opened again, the tip of her tongue darting across the red to wet her dry lips. She drew in a raspy breath and buried her head in the cradle of her hands. She clenched her teeth, the blood and ashes leaking into her cavity; her fingers massaged her tear ducts, willing herself not to cry.
'Don't say it,' she half-whispered, half-growled, her tongue stinging from the snatch of her teeth. She was aware of Zuko sliding out of his seat to kneel in front of her, his hands trying to pry hers away from her face. She responded by burying her face deeper within herself, her organs shrivelling away and into themselves, the only sense she was alive from the dead voice that spoke. 'Please. Don't. I can't… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- I'm trying, but I can't, I can't-'
She was incoherent, she realised; she pressed her lips together, sealing the words inside herself, letting them ricochet around before spontaneously combusting. Her eyes stayed faithfully dry in spite of the burning in her throat, leaving her to probe where the lightning had struck, where it had left behind only scorches, cinders of the mighty clash of her emotions. She felt her surroundings, her hands and heels blackening as she circled ground zero. The scorches were hot and embers sharp, yet they failed to elicit a single tear, a single cry, or any other emotion from her. She found nothing, just darkness and the aching of her bones, the labored breath escaping her lips. She was tired, so tired; she sank to the floor in grateful relief, spread-eagled on her back. Her eyes opened to survey the emptiness ahead, the path she had decided to take writhing and screaming as the flames consumed her well-laid plans, collapsing inwards, disappearing into the bleak. She was helpless as she watched; rarely had she felt so vulnerable in the face of failure, so at a loss of what to do next.
The heat was unbearable, her nails sharp in defiance. She slowly raised her face upwards, staring blankly into Zuko's worried expression.
'I love him.' The words she had been denying herself, hiding and concealing took flight on her next breath. Her voice cracked with the confession; she held a hand up to stop Zuko from interrupting her, letting her pent-up feelings and thoughts bubble and break over. 'I've loved him for such a long time, and I don't know how to let it go. I've tried, Sparky, but I can't. I don't know how, and it's killing me. I thought if I ignored it, it would go away, or if I cut myself off from everyone it would work, but it hasn't.' Those misty eyes burrowed into his without knowing as she paused, her lip tinged red from where she bit it. 'I'm sorry if I worried you, but I couldn't, I just couldn't... The way he's treated me... He promised, Sparky, he promised me I wouldn't be alone. But I am. Do you expect me to believe you when you say he wanted to find me? He couldn't even be bothered to write me back, or come for anything that meant anything to me... And now I'm just… So tired. Of waiting, and hoping. And now, I've got nothing left.'
Throughout her monologue, Zuko knelt patiently, responding only by the slightest tightening of his grip on her forearm as she recounted her most painful moments. His golden eyes were molten with sympathy and shock, his heart thudding painfully for the woman in front of him; how many times had she picked him up when he was down, helped him deal with the scorn that had inevitably come his way? How many more times had she acted as a sibling to him, giving him a dressing down when he began to let his ego inflate a tad too much? She had always been there for him, for the new world they had fought for, with her annoying jabs giving rise to a vivacious and intelligent young woman. But here she was, visibly crumbling under the burden that she had selflessly taken on by herself, her eyes dry but her soul tired.
Yet he knew she was wrong. 'You've got me, Toph,' he said quietly, cupping her hands in his. For a moment he saw her as the young girl he once knew, the hands he held deadly but delicate, limp in the wake of her outburst, twitching at his unfamiliar touch. 'And the rest. Including Sokka.' Zuko saw her flinch away, but he locked his hands around hers. 'He may have treated you shabbily, Toph, and I can't make excuses for him, but he cares for you, he truly does. I can't imagine how much it must hurt, but if you give him a chance to explain, you might be able to understand why he disappointed you. What I'm trying to say is, we never left, and we don't intend to.' Her eyes were locked onto his now; Zuko knew she couldn't, would never see the intensity with which he was gazing at her, his amber eyes fierce in his comfort and protection, but he hoped she could sense it through his words.
'We can help,' he continued, squeezing her hand gently. 'You don't have to face this on your own. I can't guarantee it'll be easy, or if it'll get any better, but it'd make me- us- at much more ease if you didn't shut us out completely. This doesn't have to consume you. Let us share your burden, Toph. We can figure it out together, talk about it, help you. Please.'
She would have involuntarily, instinctively shyed away; she had grown up relying on herself, showing everyone around her how capable and independent she was. She didn't need anyone's pity. She was powerful. She was strong. But internally? Not so much, she realised now. Shambles of her love life lay littered around her, her soul and mind and heart bleeding and wounded.
She felt her muscles relaxing, giving in, letting herself hang freely and heavy under Zuko's grasp. His heart beat steadily, the feel of healed burns reminscent of holding a flame in her hand; his hold on her was determined and unyielding, seemingly expressing his sincerity and concern. She could feel the shell she had built around herself splintering, her ignorant resolve disintegrating around her. The cinders blocking her orifices and dirtying her hands and feet melted away into dust and vapor together with her intent, leaving her ethereal being cleansed and pure. She felt light, the wind and sun caressing her face, Zuko's hand leading her away from the world of isolation and misery she had built around herself. She could breathe again without gasping, feeling like a bone had been removed from its lodging in her throat. She opened her eyes and saw the solid earth beneath her feet, the cooling atmosphere so different from the stifling existence she had condemned herself to. If she looked, she could see a new path rising from the ashes, Zuko standing upon the threshold, acting as a beacon of light that offered her guidance, warming and reassuring her.
'Please.'
Their gazes didn't falter. His breath hitched into a sigh of relief as she nodded her assent, his arms catching her as she fell by his side, sagging into his shoulders. He held her like that for a little while, quiet as their chests rose and fell together. He let her collect herself before they stood and made their way back into the teashop. At the threshold, he offered her his hand, gentlemanly as ever- something Sokka had always done for her. She hesitated, catching herself in the action of normally batting everyone else's help away with a haughty huff, perhaps inserting a declaration about how her blindness probably better than his own sight.
Instead, she resolutely took his hand and let him guide her into the unknown.
A/N: Hey everyone, so we now know why Zuko's here! I know it doesn't seem like such a big deal, what he did, but I really wanted to develop the Zuko/Toph friendship (which I think is absolutely adorable, by the way) to show how the bonds run deep in the Gaang. I think it's also important to emphasise how the Gaang sticks together and remains very close-knit, hence Zuko's arrival and search for Toph. I don't have much to say about this chapter, actually, except that friends are always there when we need them, no matter how trivial (or big) the problem. Friendship is one of the most palpable themes in A:TLA and I wanted to bring that out. For all of their quirks, Team Avatar really does work well together and care about each other deeply. They try to help as much as they can, with Zuko actually playing a part in all the characters' turning points in their life (including Toph, now, haha). So basically what Toph learns here is that sometimes, you need to rely on those around you to see the light. And this is one of those times.
Also, this chapter (and the ones before!) have been inspired by songs. This one was Hysteric [Acoustic Verson] by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Hence all the talk about the cinders. Lol.
As usual, please R&R, critiques, ideas and everything else are welcome! :3