When The Sun Came Up, You Were Looking At Me…
A/N: Red does not feature a whole lot in this chapter (don't hate me, I have a word count.) but he's back next chapter.
I am sad this is coming to an end but I am winding it up, I won't say by which chapter as I haven't pinned it down but I don't think it will be many more.
**I must rant about something because I'm watching eps passed 12 to check I haven't missed anything big so he had a medical in 11 to make sure he was fit for execution, he is disgusted by it in court, released in 12 and yet by 14 has some mystery illness and Spalding Stark is arranging clinical trials? That madness is obviously is not happening.
Song is: Out of the Woods - Taylor Swift.
Are We Out Of The Woods Yet…
When she got inside the house, she had sent a quick text to Samar asking her to meet her at the house the next day. Her apartment in DC was in the final stages of being sold and she wanted to share this place with someone. She also thought it would, at the very least be a courtesy to ask Samar if she would take over from her. The thought of Cooper springing it on her and then Samar didn't want to do it, hadn't been a settling thought. Apparently news of her resignation hadn't filtered down as Samar had agreed but hadn't said anything else. Perhaps Cooper hadn't thought she was serious. She had sent Samar the address shortly before sitting down to dinner with Dembe.
Waiting the next morning had been torturous, she had gotten up at the same time, trying to establish a similar routine. It had felt strange not getting up and getting ready for the long drive into work but she had taken herself to task and run around the lake before breakfast, it had been cold and frosty but the sun had come up in soft pinks and lilacs before a turning a blaze of crimson across the sky.
'This is quite a house…' Samar exclaimed as she came through the kitchen door, making Liz jump from her place at the island counter, her back to the door. 'Dembe let me in.' She told her with a slight smirk, she had her hands in her pockets as she stood in the doorway.
'Hey…' Liz greeted her, her stomach a bundle of nerves. She fidgeted for a moment before, 'I thought we could go for a walk before having coffee?' Samar raised an eyebrow, 'There's a lake…' She offered then, heading towards Samar who raised her eyebrows. It would be fine. She told herself, even if Samar could be imposing and intimidating.
'Should I be concerned? This all seems very formal.' Samar asked as Liz came up beside her. She smiled up at her, pausing by the door before pushing it open.
'No… Let me grab my coat and we can head out the back way.' She lead Samar down the hall, morning light was filtering through the windows in the front door, casting a warm glow in the entry way. Passed the double staircase and toward the library. The library door was open as they passed and Dembe could clearly be seen sitting quietly reading by the fire.
'Who lives here?' Samar asked as they passed the room that used to be hers which was now an office and then two more closed doors before they came to the door that lead out to the terrace.
'I do…' She turned at the end of the hall watching as Samar's eyebrows rose dramatically, she smiled at the expression on Samar's face. Her stomach still felt tight but perhaps it would be okay, if she could just not overthink it.
'With Reddington?' She asked slowly as Liz shrugged on her coat, scarf and grabbed her beanie. She turned to face Samar, shrugging on her coat and wrapping her scarf around her neck.
'No. He's in his own apartment. But would that be so bad?' She held the door open for Samar so she didn't have to look at her changing expression. It would be okay.
'I suppose that would depend on whether you wanted that and in what capacity.'
She stepped out onto the terrace behind Samar watching her breath fog out into a steady stream as she exhaled deeply, her eyes wide taking in the grounds beyond. Her stomach ached from being clenched and her chest was beginning to tighten. She took a breath as well, trying to release some tension before continuing. Her mantra of, it would be okay on repeat in her mind.
'And what if that was what I wanted, would that be so shocking?' She asked, leading Samar to the steps where her ramp had been. The grey stone steps lead down on to the lawn and the path that cut across it.
'Like I said that would depend on the capacity… Are you trying to tell me something about you and Reddington?' She deduced, eyeing Liz, who's nerves were increasing as she put on her gloves, avoiding Samar's gaze.
'I guess I am but that wasn't my sole purpose of asking you here. He's…' She paused unsure whether she should be saying this. He would be angry but she could try with the bare minimum if she wanted to foster this friendship and if they were actually to try being together, that would mean eventually sharing their relationship with others.
'Reddington… He isn't my father…' She began slowly, watching as Samar pulled her to a stop, her hand on Liz's arm. 'I've known for some time… I just can't say much more about it than that. He and I, we've become closer of late…' She watched Samar but the other woman's face was impassive and showed very little.
'He and I are going to…' She huffed slightly while words seemed to escape her, moving away to begin walking. The grass was still frosty in the places the sun hadn't reached yet as they stepped onto the path.
How could she quantify what they were going to do, they hadn't even discussed what that would be yet. A relationship? Were they dating, they hadn't had any dates so that didn't feel right either. What exactly were they and how could she label it? She fussed with her scarf, it felt bunched and was beginning to feel restrictive.
'You're together?' Samar concluded for her while Liz ground her jaw, still thinking.
'Trying to be, yeah I guess…' She told Samar on an out breath, biting her lip. 'Is that weird?' She flicked her fingers in and out on her gloved hands, itching to tug on her hair.
'Well, as he's not your father so I'd say it was about time. You two have been dancing around this for what? Years?'
Liz stopped blinking back at Samar for a moment before frowning, 'Was it really that obvious?'
'Kind of yeah, I mean the father thing put a dampener on it but… Why did he even say he was if he liked you in that way?' She laughed a little, relaxing Liz as they began to walk again.
'That's the million dollar question. You know Red, always keeping things to himself…'
'Maybe he thought he didn't stand a chance…' Samar raised an eyebrow, 'You were married, which he was vehemently against. He made no secret of that.' She walked a head of Liz a little, turning back to look at her.
'I don't know, you weren't around at the beginning. Some of the things he said to me and then when we were on the run, there were moments, when Tom and I weren't together but he doesn't ever act on anything so I thought I was being ridiculous.' She confided, relaxing into the conversation, it felt good to speak to someone who knew the both of them but wasn't affiliated with him.
'And now? This is his house?' She swept an arm out towards the house. 'Are you planning to live here together?' It made for quite an impressive view as they turned to gaze back at the house. The grey stone terrace along the back of the house, the neatly trimmed lawns and flowerbeds and the grey stone of the house itself, with it's trellises which would bloom in spring. It all seemed very strange still, strange but it was also now home and that was something she was grateful for.
'Well, I don't know right now but he did buy it for me. This is where I came after Tom died and I was recovering. He said that he "wanted a place that I could always come back to".' She used air quotations and Samar laughed, her eyes twinkling in the morning sun.
'You're a kept woman!' Samar exclaimed with another laugh.
'Ha! Hardly… He's not even here.' Her stomach dropped at the realisation and she shoved her hands into her pockets.
'Yeah and why is that. He always struck me as someone who acts once he gets the green light.'
'We're taking things slowly, we have some things to iron out. Which is why I asked you here…' They came up to the dock, pausing for a moment to look out on the frozen water before moving on. 'I know we kind of drifted after I came back from Cuba…' It would be okay.
'After you faked your death, you mean?' Samar said pointedly, not giving an inch.
Liz winced, 'Yeah…' She took a steadying breath blowing it out in a cloud, 'After I faked my death. I want you to know that I realise what a huge mistake that was, I allowed my fears to dictate my actions and I am sorry that I hurt everyone. I also realise that I didn't really try to mend any fences either…' She looked straight ahead, digging her nails through her gloves into her palms, realising it was having little affect. She unclenched her hands and relaxed her shoulders, taking a breath and sitting with the stir of strong emotions.
'It was a long time ago, why bring it up now?' Samar asked gently, stepping around a frozen muddy patch.
'Because I've been in therapy. Because I once valued your friendship, when I was pregnant and I've missed having friends I can trust, who will tell me straight when I'm making a stupid mistake.' She confided evenly, wanting to say more about therapy but Samar asked,
'You think you're making a mistake with Reddington?' She raised an eyebrow.
'No.' She frowned. 'I meant generally, outside of Reddington. I've been circling him for a long time and I need to find my life again, with him but also outside of him…' She didn't have doubts that this was what was meant to be, she was certain that together was their way forward.
'That sounds like a good idea. I was hurt and Aram was hurt and I protected myself, I know I can shut people out. Thank you for apologising. I know that probably wasn't easy.…' Samar admitted softly, they walked in silence for a moment enjoying the crisp air and listening to the calls of the birds.
'I've been struggling alone for a while, probably for longer than I realised and something had to give…' She offered quietly, needing Samar to understand the wider implications of her decision to resign.
'That's why you've been in therapy?' Watching Liz nod who then took a deep breath.
'When I found out that Red wasn't my father, while it made a lot of sense, I lost that connection I thought I needed from him. I lost Tom, found a sister and the pressure just kept mounting. I was trying to keep this huge secret from him and everyone else and…' She rambled before Samar stopped her with a hand on her arm.
'Wait what secret?' Samar asked, frowning back at Liz who fidgeted for a moment. It would be okay.
'I didn't tell him right away that I knew, even though it was pretty obvious' She cocked her head to the side her eyes widening for a moment. 'And I was angry, so angry and frustrated. I couldn't see a way forward so I…' She paused not wanting this tentative friendship to slip away with her next words. She took a shaky breath, clenching her fists then took her hands out of her pockets, flicking her fingers in and out.
'It's okay if you don't want to tell me that part…' Samar offered, sensing Liz's anxiety. She met Samar's eye, her stomach churching.
'I just don't want you to be pissed, I can't say everything because some of it isn't mine to tell but...' She paused taking a breath and holding Samar's eye. 'I worked with Jennifer to put Reddington in prison…' She winced as Samar's face dropped.
'What? He almost died?' Samar reached out her hand again, her grip tight against Liz's arm but not tight enough to hurt. It would be okay, a lump rose into her throat.
Liz was visibly trembling and knew that Samar could feel it and see it. She was trying to control the tightness she was feeling in her chest, maybe it was too soon for this conversation. She felt vulnerable and exposed, waiting for Samar's anger to descend and for her to walk away - leave her standing there with rejection.
'I know! This is why he isn't here… I just needed space and you know what he's like with me. He would've been on me, he would've known I was digging around in his business.' She exclaimed, her breath short. She bowed her head, not wanting to look at Samar, fearing the judgement in her eyes. She began walking but Samar reached for her again. Perhaps it wouldn't be okay.
'Hey, it's okay. I understand, he's not exactly fostered a relationship with you, where you could've been open. I'm just surprised you're still breathing!' She gave Liz a comforting smile, moving her hand to her shoulder. Liz swallowed, tears pricking the corners of her eyes as she broke away.
'Barely…' She muttered more to herself than to Samar but the taller woman caught up with her.
'Perhaps it's just a testament to how much he loves you… He could do with being more honest. I think secretly he's always liked that you challenge him.' Liz smiled up at her for a moment, relief etched into her face. She relaxed again, feeling the warmth of being really seen by someone.
'I had a breakdown…' She said quickly looking away, feeling the shame of it. 'No one knows except Red and Dembe. I didn't tell Cooper…' She spoke in a rush, her pace quicker as Samar caught up.
'I won't say anything…' She reached out and pulled her to a stop, 'Liz? There's no shame in it. You've really been through it, these last few years. This job isn't exactly easy.' Her eyebrows knitted together in a shared understanding.
'Sorry, I just… It's hard to talk about.' She stepped back from Samar's penetrating sympathy or was it empathy and her hand on her shoulder.
'When was this?' Samar asked, the same look on her face as Liz fussed with her scarf.
'When I was off. That's why I came back here, why I'm staying here… But… Something had to give, you know?' She met Samar's gaze, the same look of understanding in her eye. Why was this so difficult?
'I've quit the Task Force.' She said bluntly, looking back at Samar before turning again. 'I won't be coming back… I can't. I only came back provisionally to help fix my mistake but…' She took a shaky breath, 'I asked you here to ask if you would take over from me, with Reddington.' She felt that familiar pang of guilty again, like she was placing all of the weight on Samar. She knew she had Aram and she felt that perhaps she was better equipped for this role than she ever had been but it still felt like too much.
They had reached the viewing platform and Liz took the two steps, gesturing for Samar to sit on the bench. As they sat Samar asked somewhat incredulously,
'He's agreed to you leaving?'
'Yes... We talked about it. You know how he feels about Ressler, can you imagine those two butting heads every day?' She tried a smile, her eyes fixed on the frozen surface of the water as Samar laughed. 'I just wanted to check that it was okay with you before Cooper tells you that's what's happening.'
'Actually I appreciate that…' She said warmly, she turned her body towards Liz who was still staring straight ahead.
'I know he's not the easiest to work with but you two always did get along and if it becomes too much, you must come and tell me.' She turned her body to face Samar but was careful not to be too close.
'And you can walk away.' She wanted to be open and had been but it just felt like she was doing something wrong and some invisible thing would fall on her any second for having confessed her sins.
'I know talking about this couldn't have been easy.' Samar began as if sensing Liz's apprehension. 'I have missed having a friend other than Aram that knows what this work is like. I want you to feel that you can do the same, call me or text if you need to talk. You don't need to suffer alone.' She took a breath, 'You could've come to me, I'm sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't.'
Liz was quiet but smiled back at her, allowing Samar's words to sink in, feeling a warmth in her chest and the anticipation of relief,
'So you'll do it?' She asked hesitantly, her smile frozen on her face as she waited for Samar to reply.
'Of course, he won't be able to take such liberties with me…' She winked at Liz who let out a small laugh defusing the tension she was holding.
'So you want to tell me about what happened to your hand?' She asked, pointing to the brace Liz still wore. Liz sighed, relaxing back against the bench.
'It's been two weeks!' She complained standing by the window in Selma's office, she was going a bit stir crazy and her legs were sore from running out her feelings and sexual frustration.
That kiss had been seared into her memory until she felt like she was on the brink of madness. She had dreamt of him almost every night, the anticipation was slowing building inside her and impatience gnawed at her. He hadn't come to see her and he had avoided questions of when she would see him, citing work had been very busy.
'Have you heard from him?' Selma asked as Liz came to sit, shrugging off her coat and pulling her beanie from her head. Her hair was a little static and she smoothed it down before answering.
'He's called a few times and sent… Gifts…' Her face flushed as she thought about some of the lingerie he had sent. The most recent, a beautiful silky satin camisole in a deep red, had ornate black embroidery around the plunging v-neck at the front and back. The matching shorts had the same embroidery around the slit up the thigh. She had blushed fiercely and raised an eye brow, letting out a series of giggles as she opened the white box with black tissue paper, holding up each piece against her. She wondered when he expected her to wear them. She had recognised the brand and knew they would've been extremely expensive. She had to admit, though it wasn't really her, she did love the feel of it.
Selma raised an eyebrow, a smile on her lips but didn't question her blush.
'I just feel like he's avoiding me…' She fussed with the button on her coat, clearing her throat. She had resolved to give him time, to work on himself and she had vowed do the same by dampening down her panic and reminding herself that he hadn't left her. He was still there and he was still that solidity she needed.
She paused working up to what she really wanted to talk about. She wasn't sure she was ready for any of it but she looked up at Selma, needing her reassurance, the way she held space for her and in the softness of her eyes.
'He thinks I should go and see my Grandfather…' She took a breath, that small square of paper was still where she and Dembe had left it. 'He said Dembe would take me, that it would be better if I went without him. Apparently they don't always get on.' The thought had niggled inside her since he had brought it up, she didn't know if it was time but now she felt pushed to make a decision.
'Dembe is still with you at the house?' Selma asked crossing her legs at her ankles.
'Yeah, he said it was better that way. I've asked Dembe several times if that's because he's planning to move in at some point but Dembe won't answer which I find utterly infuriating.' She ranted, bouncing her leg on top of the other, her cheeks flushing.
'Do you feel ready to visit your grandfather?' Selma asked steering the conversation back to the topic at hand.
'I'm not sure… I feel apprehensive and I don't know why he's prompting me to go right now when he's not even around.' She complained worriedly, fidgeting in her seat.
'Perhaps that's why he wants you to go, while he's out the way and busy with work?'
'So he doesn't have to deal with the fall out!' She huffed scowling, knowing it probably wasn't true.
'Do you believe that?' Selma raised an eyebrow and reached for her water, taking a sip.
She let out a deep breath scowling still, 'No. I'm sure he'll call afterwards. I'm just nervous. I made amends with Samar and I just don't know if I'm ready to bring someone new into my life.'
'Someone who could disappoint you?' Selma watched Liz grind her jaw, huffing out a breath.
'Well yes. He's my mother's father. What if he's like her, he has been out there all this time and not made any effort to be in my life.' She grumbled, taking up her own water for something to do with her hands.
'You know the reason for that despite the discomfort you're sitting with…' Selma interjected softly.
'Yeah but it's not a comfortable thought regardless of the why.' She squirmed for a moment, uncrossing her legs and crossing them the other way.
'You won't know what he's like unless you go there and see for yourself. You can imagine all the conflict and the scariness of it but you won't actually know until you're face to face with him.'
Liz squirmed in her seat, grasping the glass in her hand tightly before taking a sip, buying her time before answering but Selma spoke first.
'You could agree with yourself and Dembe to keep it short. Give yourself an allotted time and ask Dembe to wait outside for you, in case you needed him. Go in with ten minutes in mind and see how it goes. I know it will be hard, emotionally but if you go in combative, it won't help the situation. Keep the time short, you can always leave.'
Liz took a shaky breath, her lip trembling. 'I don't want to be combative, there's just a lot there.'
Selma smiled, her eyes soft.
'You don't have to ruin the good things that are happening in your life because you're used to pain and chaos, you don't have to be in survival mode anymore…' She held Liz's gaze, her voice soothing and gentle, a smile on her face.
It had taken another week to feel comfortable with it idea but now it seemed weird sitting on the plane without him. Even weirder that it was so quiet, the hum of the jet and the occasional turn of a page on the book Dembe was reading were the only sounds. She was a bundle of nerves, she had paced the jet, tried to sit still but swung her leg and jiggled her knee, removed her hand from her hair too many times to count. She couldn't concentrate to read a book or hold a conversation. So when the SAT phone rang, it was simultaneously a shock and relief. She was mid pace down the aisle, facing Dembe as he answered, halting her steps as his deep tenor uttered 'Raymond'. Her breath caught in anticipation as she listened to a short one-sided conversation before he handed her the large brick phone.
'Red?' Her voice trembled slightly and she hadn't realised how much she needed to hear his voice. She moved to the back of the plane and sat down.
'How are you my love?' His voice was rich, warm and soothing. It sent a shiver up her spine and sparked a little thrill in her stomach at the use of his term of endearment.
'Better now…' She felt herself relax for the first time since she had left the house that morning.
'The flight won't be long. No need to worry, he's not expecting you but he doesn't really go far these days…'
'Dembe said Upstate New York. We could've driven you know.' She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, relaxing back into her seat.
'My jet was just sitting there and it will be faster.' He assured her smoothly.
Then she did roll her eyes, knowing driving would've been fine, just longer.
'I need to talk to you about something.' His voice had lost some of it's warmth for a moment and it instantly set her on edge. She leant forward in her seat, her elbows on her knees. Why did it immediately cause a pit in her stomach?
'What?' She murmured with an intensity, her chest tightening. She suddenly felt like there as no air in the small cabin and she sat up straight, trying to get her sweater off with one hand.
'It's nothing to worry about sweetheart. I just haven't said that you've already met your grandfather…' He paused for a beat, as everything seemed to go hazy, her head swimming and her heart was beginning to pound. Why was there no goddamn air in this plane, it suddenly felt stifling.
'When I was… Young, you mean?' She stuttered very briefly before pulling it together, her eyes narrowed as she stood.
'No Lizzy, Oleander…' She felt the blood drain away from her face as he said the name. She remembered the kindly older man she had met with and had politely answered her questions. Ones he pretended not to know anything about it seemed.
'You went to visit him to ask him about your mother after Tom died.'
'Did he know who I was?' She asked shakily, knowing the answer because they wouldn't be having this conversation otherwise.
'Yes my love but he was under instruction not to reveal himself…' He was calm and she felt like she was beginning to fold in on herself, why was he always so goddamn calm?
She wasn't sure how she felt about having already met him, she supposed it took the edge off but now she was thrust into a situation of having someone else keep their true identity from her and that unsettled her more.
'Why didn't you tell me this before. Were you just going to let me go up there and remember the way and the house and him? Were you just going to let me go in there unprepared, you know how much this has been weighing on me.' She was hurt mostly, she realised as she hurled questions back at him.
'That's why I called, sweetheart…' He tried to smooth it over calmly.
'Now!' She yelled, 'Why didn't either of you say anything weeks ago! Why is everything so last minute with you. I talked this over with Selma so I could be prepared and here you are dropping this in my lap half an hour before we land.' What the fuck! She could feel the spiral, felt it building as he had spoken the words but the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to just turn around and run.
'Lizzy… You are prepared.' He tried at calm reassurance which just made her want to hit him.
'No. I want to go back. Tell Edward to turn around, I don't want to do this now. I need more time.' She began to pace back down the aisle. One hand in her hair, tugging as she went. Her chest tightening with panic she could defuse.
'Lizzy. Listen to my voice, my love,' His voice was soothing, low and soft in her ear but she was in the spiral now and she couldn't see a way out of it. 'It's going to be okay, you've already done the hard part.'
'No I haven't! You aren't even here, I haven't even seen you for weeks…' She yelled, feeling the burn of tears along with the sting on her scalp.
She turned almost crashed into Dembe as he stepped in front of her. Her breathing had quickened and she looked up at him with pleading eyes.
'Elizabeth, come and sit down.' He took her by the shoulders, pulling her hand from her hair and guided her to sit down in the seat opposite where he had been sitting. He took the phone from her and the one sided conversation partially registered before he handed the phone back.
'I'm sorry my love. I realise now I should've told you but I have every faith that it will all work out. Dom will love you, he's been waiting for this for a long time. I would like to see you afterwards, would that be okay with you?' Her breath shuddered as she listened, she was nodding vacantly. 'Lizzy, my love?'
'Yes…' She whispered hoarsely before handing the phone back to Dembe. He knelt down in front of her, his hand resting on her forearms.
'Elizabeth, do you want me to have Edward turn around?' She sat very still, trying to control her breathing by taking deep breaths. She held his eye, trembling against his hands. She couldn't turn around now and Red had been right, she had already met him once so she could do this, couldn't she?
He knew who she had been and he had never told her, never welcomed her as his family, never… It stung, whatever the reason. What did it matter now, all these years later and he had refused to go against Red and tell her who he had been. She sat quietly, retreating inward for the rest of the flight.
As they drove through the sleepy mountain roads, snow on the ground she remembered the drive. She was still quiet, trying to face what she didn't want to face. Her grandfather had know who she was as she had sat at his table, drinking tea all the while knowing she was his family but never saying a word to her. It settled in her chest like a stone. How much loyalty could one man could demand over a family that wasn't even his, over blood that he only pretended to share. It stung and irritated and made her feel too panicked so she shoved it down. She would address it later, when she had time to grieve over a lifetime of loss, rejection and pain.
Dembe pulled the car to a stop outside the small rustic house. She turned to him, grateful if not still annoyed with him for not telling her.
'You won't go anywhere?' She asked more in reassurance for herself.
'No Elizabeth, I'll be here.' She nodded once, gathering her professionalism around her like a cloak of protection as she climbed out of the car.
She took several deep breaths as she stepped up to the door, giving herself a little pep talk as she went. It would only have to be ten minutes, she didn't have to stay and she would know if he were lying to her. She would be clear headed, she would not allow some miss guided sentimentality for what she thought family should be like to deter her. She was stronger now and now was the right time. She wanted to believe it even though her insides trembled.
She hesitated only once before knocking loudly. She saw him emerge through the glass in the windows of the door. He didn't smile but raised as eyebrow as his light blue eyes met her own.
'Agent Keen. What can I do for you?' He asked, feigning politeness as he looked at her with neutral features.
She hesitated, frowning. 'You could begin by saying hello to your granddaughter.' He gaped at her for a moment before looking down and stepping back so she could enter his home.