disclaimer: J.K. Rowling own's Harry Potter, I don't, this story is all mine

next chapter.. dun dun dunnn

Chapter 11: Desperate

"I'm an idiot. Alina, you are an idiot." she muttered to herself. What she was an idiot for, Alina didn't know. Whether it was because she didn't kiss Draco or whether it was because she was still thinking about him was hard to distinguish. She ran to the astronomy tower, hoping to find isolation and tranquility by herself. As she opened the door she was shocked to find her own sister there, sitting in the corner, crying.

"Selena! What's going on? What's wrong?" she asked as she rused to her.

"Nothing. It's all my stupid flippin fault. Why am I so retarded?"

"Selena, wahtever you did, I'm sure it's not that bad, okay?" Selena looked away. "Now hush and tell me what happened."

"Alina, I'm an idiot. A jerk. A stupid, useless,shallow idiotic jerk."

"Selena, calmd won. You need to calm down." Slowly her ragged breathing returned to normal.

"I kissed Harry." Alina's eyes widened for a moment. "And Ginny saw. And Hermione, Ron, and Neville saw. Oh Merlin Neville saw.." She started to cry again, and Alina just stared at her sister. She had always known her sister to be able to get along with anyone and everyone- she could keep secrets secrets, was always honest, and never attempted to hurt anyone's feelings. She was just too sensitive and always felt guilty for everything. Although Selena did like boys excessvively, she would've never have done something like that to Ginny, especiallly since they had become friends. Inwardly she groaned. More emotional crap to deal with. Sighing she asked once more, "What happened?"

"I don't know... I was doing my homework.. and then I needed a break and was going to see if anyone could help with the rest and Harry was in the Common Room..." she paused, shaking her head. "I'm so stupid.."

"Selena, stop saying that, you know that's not true."

"Really?" Selena said bitterly, and simply shook her head again. "Whatever- so we start working together and he smelled so good... and I just randomly wondered about how he kissed.. and I though about the fact that I haven't kissed in a while.. and that I don't even have any love interests- and there's no one interested in me. So like an idiot I thought 'What the heck, He's cute, no one will know.' So then he starts asking me why I was looking at him funny. And- Merlin- what's wrong with me, Alina?" A few drops fell down her already tear-stained cheek. "He didn't even kiss me back, which is the saddest and most pathetic thing- he loves Ginny and I just screwed them up. She looked so angry and she hit him across teh face. I started to tell her that he didn't deserve it, that it wasn't his faul- but she didn't completely hear me and started to yell at me. And I was too stupid and weak to handle anything right. I started yeling at her.. Ron and Hermione tried to get us to calm down. Neville was just looking at me." She paused to sigh. "I caught his eyes- he was so hurt, I could tell. His face was just blank, empty, but I just knew.. he didn't know me anymore.. Alina, I'm such an idiot. I don't deserve a scholarship here. I want to go back home. I want Mom, Dad, even Sean or Emilie. I want Uncle Christ- he'd always make me feel like I was worth something." Alina closed her eyes, letting a couple of her own tears fall.

"I miss him too, Selena, I miss them all." She wrapped her arms around her sister and they sat like that till she was calm again.

"All for a stupid kiss. All because I've been deprived of a crus. Because I'm so utterly dependent on affection and I'm so frikkin shallow."

"Shh, shh, Selena, it's the past now. You regret it- that's all I need to know to know that you aren't pathetic. What is pathetic is that you're not going to talk to Ginny and Harry right now."

"I guess- I guess I should- but they'll ignore me and gvie me looks and-"

"Selena. You know them. They're not the kind of people to spread stuff like that, okay? I knw enough to know that they woudln't. But if they do, you know you're strong enough and you know that you are truly sorry."

"That's exactly it. I'm not strong enough."

"Selena, you have to grow up. You know that now- so go." Selena let out an exasperated sigh, and wiped her tears on her arm.

"Thanks Alina.. guess I don't deserve a night out anymore." She smiled slightly, while Alina thought about it.

"You don't deserve it- but you need it. For Merlin's sake I need it. Be ready by eleven."

"Thanks sis.. what would I have done without you?" Selena hugged her and left. Alina felt a twinge of guilt- Selena could've stayed in the U.S... she didn't have to come with Alina. Frustrated, she conjured her broom and sat on the ledge. She was extremely high up, but she had to blow off steam. Looking down, she watched groups of students walking around. They were quite tiny small to her but she could recognize a couple of people. The wind brushed against her face and blew up from underneath her feet. Taking it as a signal, she pushed herself off the ledge, letting herself freefall for two seconds before mounting her broom mid-air and flying away, across the lake and over the castle. It was exhilarating, having hte wind whip sharply against her body, a numb feeling coming over her. She skimmed the surface of the water and the roofs and towers of the castle. She didn't notice Draco, who was in his dorm, watching her with amazement. She brung herself down to her own balcony and dismounted, thoroughly relaxed. "Two years Alina, two years," she reminded herself.

"Ha. Like you actually care." Ginny scoffed.

"I do- a lot. I seriously don't know what was wrong with me. Period. Well I do, actually. I was pathetic and desperate without a guy, just because I'm not used to it. It wasn't Harry's fault at all, I mean it. I've already talked to him'" Ginny shot her a look and glared at her. "And I'll back off, I promise."

"Good."

"Ginny, Harry's her friend- and she's his- I don't think you should make them stop-"

"Are you kidding me?" Ginny asked incredulously.

"It's fine. Harry's mad at me enough as it is, I just need to know that you believe that I'm sorry."

"Sorry that you were caught."

"You know what- I don't understand why I even tried."

"Me neither."

"Stop acting like twits and get yourselves together for one moment, for goodness' sake." Hermione interrrupted. "Ginny, act reasonable for one second-"

"Reasonable? You want me to act reasonable? Fine, you want reasonable you'll get it-" she pulled out her wand and Selena tensed. She had already heard of Ginny's infamous Bat Bogey Hex.

"Let me restate that. Gin, you're friends with Selena."

"Was."

"At least Selena came back and apologized. And you know that Harry doesn't really like her, and neither does Selena. She admits it was stupid. Now can you please get over it? I don't want to hear you bickering about her for the rest of the year." Ginny only rolled her eyes.

"Honestly Ginny, I didn't mean it at all. And if it helps any, Harry loves you a lot. And he's pretty damn miserable right now- because of me, I know- you can stay mad at me as long as you want, but at least forgive him." With that, Selena left, feeling a little relieved. It still bothered her that Ginny was still mad at her, but that was expected. She walked through the deserted halls- it was a Saturday, everyone was outside- thinking about her talk with Harry. He had been severely pissed off. When she first walked onto the Quidditch field, he immediately rose up higher. She had waited for a while, just watching him until he lowered himself just a bit and called "What do you want?" without even looking at her.

"To talk."

"We tried that earlier- didn't really work, did it?"

"Harry, I'm sorry. I know I messed things up for you and Ginny. I'll talk to her for you- I'll tell her it wasn't your fault." he didn't respond. "Harry- I don't know why I did it, and I'm sorry I did. I've been asking myself over and over why- I didn't mean for anything to get this out of hand." He finally came back down, and landed in front her.

"Right. You just wanted me and Ginny to split."

"Harry, I don't like you- not like that at least."

"Then why-" he started to raise his voice, but Selena butt in.

"It's pathetic, really. I haven't been with a guy in a while- I haven't liked a guy in a while- and no guy's liked me for a while- I've been desperate." Harry shook his head.

"That's not like you, Selena. But then again, I feel like I hardly know who you really are."

"I know." He stayed silent. "Say something, Harry."

"What do you want me to say? That I still want to be friends with you? Because I really don't, not right now." He mounted his broom again and flew off. She felt stung- she had never made any of her friends as mad at this, had never lost a friend. "There's always a time for firsts." she muttered to herself, and headed inside to find Ginny.

From above, Harry looked down and watched her go back in. He shook his head. He only felt bad for Neville, actually. He knew Neville had "liked" Luna, but something about how he had looked earlier told him that he liked someone else.. trying to clear his head, he soared further and further up.

A/N: hola- again, it's going verrryy slowly but don't worry :) the last part was kind of thought up right now, so it's not really revised.. ah well. review review review!!

to come: a night out