Chapter 17

Irileth and Anja

*I do not own Skyrim, but I do own Juheena and Juheena owns Farkas*

"Child, this is preposterous. This hat is...is… it's repugnant!" Irileth had done nothing but complain about the chef's tunics and hats ever since we had put them on. I was ready to take off my shoe and stuff it in her mouth.

"Yes, yes I know. Believe me, Irileth. I know." We were walking down the cobblestone path in Solitude. The old city was beautiful when it wasn't covered in so much snow you nearly had to sprout wings and fly over it. Flowers, fruits and vegetables filled gardens and lined pathways, and the old Gothic-style buildings spired overhead.

I took in a deep breath of fresh mountain air. Juheena needed a house in this place, not dusty old Whiterun. Of course, she probably did own one.

"Ugh. There is the guard. I look like a pig sty in this stained, greasy old potato sack…. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't let us in, even if I am 'The Gourmet'"

"It's not that bad. Now hush! He's going to hear us."

The guard shot them a look. "Who are you?" He stood so rigid, that I had a mischievous thought that if I pushed him hard enough, he would fall right over. Irileth would probably have my head for that one, though.

"This, sir, is the Gourmet. I am her assistant. Now if you value your life, I'm sure the Emperor is very hungry. We might have to drop a name or two if he gets impatient…"

The guard seemed unmoved, but I could see his eye twitch. I had made him nervous. Hey, I was getting good at this…

He stepped out of the way, and opened the door for us. This was it. We were in castle Dour, ready to go poison a fake Emperor! Our footsteps echoed off of the stone walls, and we could hear laughter going on in the dining room. When the air got warmer, I knew the kitchen wasn't too far ahead.

The archway stood wide open, revealing several hot coal stoves which were covered in various boiling pots and pans. Vegetables, meats, spices, sweeteners, even the odd alchemy objects were piled on shelves so heavy that they were sagging.

A Redguard woman stood over a kettle filled with boiling orange stew. I couldn't figure out why It was orange… I just knew I wouldn't taste it anytime soon.

"Oh, there you are! The Gourmet!" The woman called out to us when we walked in. "Thank the Nine; I was just about to have to finish up the first course without you!"

Irileth raised an eyebrow threateningly at the woman, making her eyes grow wide. "That would be most unwise, woman. Let me have that spoon." Irileth shoved her way past the woman and took control of the boiling pot.

"First, we must add candied carrots!" I said, dumping a bowlful in.

"Candied carrots…? But this is venison stew!"

"Listen lady, this is from the Gourmet's new cookbook. It hasn't come out yet. Consider this your sneak peek. Be honored." I turned back around, then continued, "Next, shaved Giant's toe!"

"Gross…." The woman paled.

"Does the Emperor like spicy food? Well he does now! Two pinches of fire salts!" I threw them in with a flourish, making the poor Redguard woman turn less red and more pink.

"And finally, the Gourmet's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices…" It was then I dumped out the poison into the pot. I had mixed in powdered Deathbell and Lotus Extract in with salt and cinnamon, it was practically undetectable. Now there was a pot of delicious, poisonous, but delicious stew simmering gently before them.

Irileth and I stood back and admired our handiwork. I glared at the Redguard. "You are going to make the Gourmet carry a huge pot of stew to the table? You have to be joking me." She lunged forward and put on her oven mitts.

"Yes, yes of course. Please forgive me your Culinary Majesty…" I saw Irileth crack a smile from the corner of my eye. My first official mission was going splendidly! We followed the woman down the hallway, up a flight of stairs, and outside to the balcony where the Emperor and Nobles would be dining with a mesmerizing view of the city.

Standing before the door leading to the patio landing, we gathered our wits and reviewed our strategy. He sips, he dies, and we feign ignorance and frame the Redguard for espionage and treason. There couldn't be a simpler plan than that! I molded my face into that of an acceptable humble servant, and opened the door.

"Ah! The Gourmet! I have waited my whole life to taste your infamous delicacies!" The 'Emperor' called out amiably.

Irileth bowed, and I noticed something amiss. There was about ten or so nobles accompanying the emperor, but one of them scrutinized Irileth with an unrelenting eye. He was blonde, and rather handsome for a guy in his 40's, early 50's maybe. I caught his eye and tried to make sense of what he was searching for. Suddenly he called out, "Irileth?"

The Dunmer froze. Oh dear.

She stammered, "Uh...uh...I...Jarl Balgruuf?" This wasn't going to turn out well, I could already see that.

"Oh, yes! I remember! I helped the Gourmet serve Jarl Balgruuf in Whiterun not too long ago! What a surprise…" I filled in, hoping Balgruuf wouldn't blow our cover. Irileth gazed into his eyes for a long moment, and he seemed to go along with it.

"Yes, yes…Best meal I've ever had…" He looked at her questioningly. She returned with an apologetic gaze. I sympathized with her, she was about to murder the man whom her lover believed was the Emperor. That would throw a wrench in any relationship.

Irileth's eyes never Balgruuf's as the Redguard woman served soup to everyone at the table. Irileth shook her head slightly, 'no' at him. He caught the hint, and pushed his bowl away.

"It would be horrible manners to eat before the Emperor has taken the first bite!" I said, trying to postpone the others. It would be a waste to kill all these nobles; they hadn't really done anything wrong. Except some serious ass-kissing to get to eat lunch with the emperor. For a Jarl it was one thing, but these were just random rich people. Even Maven Black-Briar sat next to him, scowling into her glass of wine.

"Of course! I would hate to keep you all waiting, my lovely guests." The old bald man snapped at his servant, who polished his soup spoon before handing it to him. I rolled my eyes. Oh brother, this guy was really taking this acting job for what it was worth. Too bad for him, it wouldn't last long.

My heart sped up as he dipped his spoon in and lifted it to his lips. Soon…. It fell again when he put the spoon back into the bowl and took a drink of water.

"It seems a little spicy…" What a baby. He hadn't even taken a bite yet, and he has to take a drink. I sighed impatiently, and resisted the urge to tap my foot.

He picked up his spoon a second time, this time shoveling an overflowing spoonful of the fatal stew into his mouth. Any second now. Any second…

He fell face first into the bowl. My '11 herbs and spices' were more effective than I thought… Guards were in an uproar. All of the nobles jumped up, and Balgruuf made his way towards us. I had better act now.

"Oh no! The Emperor has been poisioned! Nothing could have made it into the pot on accident, I made sure of it! It was the Redguard chef! She must have done this!"

"What? That's a lie! I did no such thing!" She cried as the guards turned to her.

One of the nobles, apparently a frequent to Castle Dour, exclaimed, "Yes! The Empire has taxed her earnings, she must have been out for revenge! It was the Court Chef!"

Well, that worked to our advantage. Irileth grabbed Balgruuf's hand, and the three of us fled from castle Dour through the sky walkway. On top of the castle, we took a long circular staircase down to the basement. When we were completely out of range, we stopped.

"Oh, Balgruuf." Irileth threw her arms around him. He kissed her hair gently. It was just like watching Farkas and Juheena making dovey-eyes at each other. Nauseating.

"Okay, okay, break it up." I said, making sure this didn't progress any further.

"Irileth…. What did you do?" He asked of her, his thick Nord accent coating his words like honey. She looked away, ashamed. But then she remembered.

"He was an imposter, my lord!" It was her only argument.

"How do you know this? How can you possibly know this, Irileth?" And there it went.

She stepped back, and a stubborn teardrop slipped down her cheek. The three of us stood there for a long moment, before I finally felt so sorry for Irileth that I had to do something.

"Okay, listen. We did it for you. She did it for you. There is a group of us, and we are going to assassinate the emperor. The real emperor isn't here, he is on a ship docked somewhere out on the bay. This guy was a decoy. With the Empire thrown for a loop, Irileth figured it would be better for you. Even if you aren't Stormcloak, you hate the Empire." I pointed out.

"How do you know this?"

"Irileth and me? Were like, best friends. She tells me everything." I stated proudly. Balgruuf looked at Irileth, who smiled weakly before re-training her eyes on the ground.

He sighed. "This is true. But your plan was to assassinate the Emperor of Tamriel? How do you expect to get away with that?"

"Oh, it's not us. Juheena is going to do that."

"Ah… I knew from the start that girl could do just about anything…" He chuckled. Juheena had told me she had made friends with the Jarl of Whiterun. Obviously they were close enough for him to forgive her of murder.

"My Jarl…. She is a Dark Brotherhood assassin."

He nodded. "So the rumors were true, then. Well in that case, I'm just glad she is my friend." He joked.

"So am I." She confessed bravely.

"Well… Juheena is one to make friends with everyone… " He admitted.

"I love you , my sweet Balgruuf. Please forgive me." She took his hand.

"I love you, as well." He smiled, then placed a kiss on her lips. He pulled back, traced of red lipstick visible on his mouth. She wiped it off gingerly, smiling at him.

"How sweet. Let's go before they suspect that a second person of Royalty has been assassinated." I warned.

We made our way to the door and climbed the stairs. We left castle Dour, thinking we were going to get away. We were mistaken.

"Hey! There's the imposter!" A group of guards ran up with a Chef in tow.

"I am the Gourmet! They poisoned the Emperor!"

"The Gourmet is…. An Orc?" I asked incredulously. Seriously? An orc? If an orc's talent for anything that isn't grisly fighting is comparable to Lurbuk, the horrible Orc Bard, it was unbelievable.

"You're under arrest for treason, and the murder of Emperor Titus Mede the Second!"

Well, I only thought we could get away with murder. How does Juheena do it?