Title: Possibility - Never
Warnings: Angst, yaoi, AU
Pairings: PB&J
-Love-
Tavros continued to stare at his laptop, his eyes completely unfocused, unable to comprehend the cerulean letters that blared across Pesterchum.
Every waking moment was haunted by vivid violet eyes, completely blank with no emotion what so ever. The brunette caused him to feel shivers up his spine, as if a bony hand tapped lightly on each vertebrae, or ice cold water trickling down his spinal cord. Sweaty palms trembled with ever syllable of his name, his heart twisting in his chest and making all sorts of embarrassment arise. It hurt, his heart slamming against his ribcage, as if the bloody organ wanted to leap from his chest. Anxiety filled every pore, his nerves flaring wildly, his limbs wanting to jerk erratically with every sound.
There was a possibility that Tavros had red feelings for Gamzee.
He couldn't remember when their relationship began to grow, they had always know each other as grubs but the hemospectrum didn't allow certain groups to mix. Despite the social differences they continued to meet, somehow fate had led them together, as if urging them to bond for life. Every visit made the rust blood smile, he didn't even know he was until Karkat told him to wipe the silly grin off his face. Soon enough the taller troll became Tavros's addiction, his laid-back attitude and lovely violet eyes always making him come back for more. His self image was horrible, and despite all the compliment that Gamzee shot at him he never believed a word, especially about him being a miracle.
Tavros was disheartened when he heard that Karkat entered a moiraillegiance with Gamzee, the twinge in his chest made it clear that being close to Gamzee hurt.
The big-horned troll couldn't figure out why that burst of pain shot through him at the thought of Karkat and Gamzee.
There was a possibility that Tavros cared too much about Gamzee.
It defiantly wasn't normal and Tavros became aware of this strange feeling growing in his chest, and soon he couldn't get enough of the emotion that surged through his entire body when Gamzee looked his way. It was even better when he would wave at him and smile, the smile being just a simple small upturn of his gray lips. The Taurus couldn't fight back the blush that stained his cheeks, and he offered what he hoped was a smile back.
The Capricorn laughed, yet the melodic sound never reached Tavros' ears, he was too busy trying to stop the raging heat from making his whole face brown as Gamzee had quickly caught him in an embrace. The light sweet scent of Faygo tickled the rust-blood's senses, the indigo-blood was truly intoxicating.
Gamzee was easily his closest friend, and yet he never felt close enough. Somehow the taller troll was always just slightly out of reach, and no matter how hard Tavros tried the situation never changed. The Capricorn never failed in making him smile, but Tavros began to notice his reaction changing, it was making him nervous, that he would only fall deeper into the thing called 'love'. Dave, ironically, talked about it, trying to explain what exactly it was to the bull-horned troll. Gamzee made him feel strange inside, his blood-organ fluttering in his chest while he felt pixies dancing around in his stomach. It was fucking beautiful, and Tavros felt his blood pump harder, yet his whole body felt nice, relaxed, calm.
Whenever Gamzee spoke of miracles, Tavros would simply stare at the tall indigo blood.
The clown would turn and smile, excited and giddy, his eyes held such a lovely light in them, the vivid purple irises glowing with delight, his movements, slow yet full of energy. His thick smooth voice always gave Tavros goosebumps, his ears sighing from the wonderful sound. Yet somehow with every word, they began to make sense, and he spoke with such a passion and ferocity, it truly reflected Gamzee's devotion. Tavros began to feel something similar to being light-headed, except he was completely awake a focused. He couldn't peel his eyes away, it was just too beautiful, Tavros finally let out a smile. Gamzee noticed the upward turn of his lips and chuckled loudly, his smile becoming sincere and sickeningly sweet.
Tavros believed in miracles, he had all the proof laughing right in front of him.
There was a possibility that Gamzee was Tavros's whole world.
Tavros couldn't leave his hive very often, instead opting to stay indoors and try to entertain himself for the day. Even as he stayed on Pesterchum he couldn't help but always take a glance outside, his heart breaking at the fact that he couldn't leave his wheelchair. Time was a bitch and stretched on, laughing at his misery and lack of mobility.
Gamzee appeared at his hive more often now, and things began to change.
The troll had always brought some sort of magic with him, Tavros had yet to figure out how the stoned troll did it, but somehow he could find happiness in the hours spent together. Gamzee had never been great at Fiduspawn but he still provided loads of fun, epic rap battles and downing Faygos, life had never been so lovely before. Tavros wished that they could stay together forever, just in this world of bliss and comfort. Tavros was willing to abandon everything in order to be close to Gamzee, and again he cursed at his useless legs, preventing him from following Gamzee out the door.
There was a possibility that Gamzee would never return his feelings.
Tavros had realized this, finally taking into account his current state and Vriska's constant pestering. She was completely right.
Why would anyone even want him as a matesprit, every flaw and disadvantage had become painfully obvious, especially his pathetic legs, but even if he had them working there were so many other things wrong. His stutter, his face, his personality, his dreams, his weak heart-
All in all he was just the worst troll ever.
He wasn't even worth his shit-colored blood, he was lower than trash, and finally tears just came at full force, if he were to disappear at this very second, no one would miss him. Maybe Gamzee, but he would be able to find new, better friends to waste away the hours with. If anything he was hindrance to Gamzee, always making him come over to hang out, he was bothering the funny troll.
More fat brown tears spilled over, and Tavros could barely breathe, he felt horrible. His chest ached, every thought sharp and stabbing, he should stop making Gamzee waste his time. He was completely and utterly disgusting, not even able to act like a proper troll, it wouldn't be long before he was culled. Tavros wheeled over by his desk, catching sight of himself in the mirror.
He truly looked pathetic.
Dull brown hair hung in his face, and his body was very disproportional, his legs floppy and skinny while his chest and arms held lean muscle. Yet despite his strong arms his face was still round and his features very child-like. Nothing seemed steady with him and even his voice was whiny and lame. Rufio had laughed at him when he asked about the possibility of getting a matesprit. It was a plain and simple answer, one he would not repeat. And finally to top it all off he was crying like a newborn grub, not even an enough to be strong and stride through the pain.
Sometimes Tavros wished he would become invisible instead of just feeling it.
In all honesty, Tavros was shocked. Gamzee couldn't be serious. He must have been so high, that he was being simply delusional, this was all just a lie that would crumble away.
Gamzee was still and yet Tavros was the one who was ashamed, all his fears and doubts exploding in his mind.
He was worthless.
He was useless.
This was a phase, or rather a moment of insanity, Gamzee was being crazy. This was probably him following a random impulse that would go away in a day or two, he was hallucinating and this would all disappear with a couple of Faygos.
"uHHH,,,gAMZEE I jUST uHHHH,,, I tHINK iT'S bEST iF wE jUST sTAY fRIENDS,,,"
The crooked smile that Gamzee gave made Tavros want to kill himself. He hurt his best bro, it wasn't fair, but it would be better in the long run. His Capricorn deserved better, someone who would make him really believe in those miracles he always talked about, to make him feel all the wonderful thins Tavros felt around the indigo-blood. Tavros would be able to rest easy once Gamzee finds his miracle, but until then Tavros would have to lead him the right way, it was the least he could do for him.
"g-GAMZEE? uHH ARE YOU OKAY?" Tavros thought he saw tears in Gamzee's eyes, but it must have been his imagination, Gamzee just kept smiling that strange smile, "No PrObLeM tAvBrO, I dON't wANnA fReAk YoU oUt Or AnYtHiNg..."
Tavros couldn't get a decent response from the tall troll so instead he began to say his goodbyes, this whole situation left a sinking feeling in his heart.
There was a possibility that Tavros would die without Gamzee.
Gamzee hadn't been over in days.
In fact, ever since the strange incident, time had stratched on, and Tavros could barely keep sane in his lonesome. Without Gamzee, his whole world became colorless, dull and grating on his mind. Each tic only left behind a never ending echo in his chest, pain twisting and pulling him from inside. Ever inch of his body screamed, something was very wrong, and yet he could not walk out the door to see what was off. He was trapped here, in his bland world of fantasy, Gamzee's smile seemed like a distant dream. He was far away, somewhere probably better.
His insecurities only grew here, and soon enough Tavros hated looking at himself.
Tavros hated everything.
The feeling was overwhelming, taking refuge in ever crevice of his body; He hated Vriska, he hated his wheelchair, he hated the stupid fairytales, he hated how useless his legs were, he hated himself-
It was like the weight of the world was crashing down on his shoulders, and now he finally understood.
The fairytales were lies, just things to make him blind, and in reality-
He had no place here, not with the trolls or in Gamzee's heart.
The anger had finally dissapated, the rush of emotions quickly leaving behind just...emptiness. He felt numb, but he wished he was invisible.
He wanted to be invisible.
-lOvE-(BONUS)
It was painful.
Everything hurt.
Motherfuckers.
The clown felt tears burn through his eye lids as he stumbled through the days, all while the voices getting louder. He really wanted to tell someone, but he had never found anyone. It pulled at his chest, and soon he felt indigo tears spill over, his arms shaking as he felt the bitter-sweet memories choke him again.
Tavbro.
No, he shouldn't think about that motherfucker-
It took him a while to get up again.
Death was motherfucking late, and Gamzee had gotten tired of waiting, so instead he found comfort in his special pies, the all mighty miracle packages sent straight from the messiahs. It took a while for him to finally get them working again, but they eventually kicked in, his face constantly stuffed with his warm pies of miracles. It was during that next week that he couldn't even function without his packed miracles, that was what kept him going. The colors would always lead him away from the pain, allowed him to blank out and find something in life. Something worth living for, maybe THESE were the miracles that he needed to find.
Every baked miracle only gave him happiness, warmth and love in every bite. It had always worked, whenever times were not too cool he would have a pie and everything would turn out okay. He had even perfected flavoring them so the salty and somewhat burning taste would be masked with the lightest sweet flavor. It was these lonely days where he would experiment with how much slime he could fit and how high he could get with the least amount of pies. He proceeded to try his newest bundle of miracles, pushing the pie onto the roof of his mouth and sliding it around his tongue. Soon all he could hear was the sound of his own eating, sloshing and chewing, and his tongue tingled with the lightest sting.
Damn he was up, but he needed to start on a new batch.
Panic arose as he scraped his hand against the bowl of slime, and he felt the pain trickling back into his chest. It was just as thick as his slime, maybe a litter thicker, but it left him with an aching cold, hard and heavy inside. Gamzee smiled, maybe this time death would decide to help a brother out.
He stood still, and then he saw everything.
His life had amounted to nothing, every goal he had was now only distant memories, they might not have been his goals to begin with. It was harsh and cold, he had nothing. Karkat wasn't around, and he didn't know who else to turn to. Eating had proved to be a distraction, and now the lack of sound settled, Gamzee was motherfucking afraid. He was here, in the house, all alone, with nothing.
Nothing.
The word echoed in his head, cracking against his skull and making him finally feel the void. Fuck, it was a giant gaping hole, dragging in all his organs and throwing them away. There must have been a black hole inside him or something, that's probably where all his pies went. Again the boy craved for his miracles, wanting to have something sweet to get the bitter-taste that settled in his mouth to go away. It wouldn't be long before the voices would-
He needed to make more pies.
Motherfucking miracles is what he needed right now, he would be spared today, he wouldn't have to hear those VOICES so loud, he just wanted to see some miracles.
He ran upstairs, barging into his room and desperately clawing at his own skin, hands trembling as the seconds ticked by, he was getting his cravings again.
Again he was unfruitful with his search, he was fresh out of sopor slime, the voices screaming at him at full volume. It was at that moment that his mind finally cleared up, and he could motherfucking see.
With new-found clarity Gamzee began to list off his epiphanies;
The Grand Highblood finally smiled at him, his time had come.
The sopor slime had been blinding him to the true miracles.
He is the motherfucking messiah.
Killing everyone would calm the voices.
He needed to paint the miracles.
Gamzee didn't even realize he was shaking, it was MOTHERFUCKING beautiful, everything would be better now, and no one would doubt him. In fact, he would paint him miracles and everyone would smile and laugh, sheer joy would clog their filthy veins and they would see him as the MOTHERFUCKING MESSIAH that he always was. Gamzee began to take long strides, he could feel the miracles flowing through his veins. His friends would never think of him as a failure, fury would silence their false comments, he would make them all pay.
Violet eyes searched for his favorite juggling clubs.
Instead of finding his beloved clubs he came across the shit-blood's sweater. A truly pathetic piece of clothing, but it was suitable for a low blood like Tavros. Just thinking of the other troll made Gamzee sick, KILL HIM-And Gamzee clawed at his pointed ears, hoping to get THE VOICES OUT.
Sometimes he felt like he should just stop.
Stop breathing, stop thinking, stop loving-
THE SHIT-BLOOD SHOULD DIE FOR HIS IGNORANCE-
Miracles bloomed once again, old and rusty but they never failed to make him smile, make him cry, it was never enough. Tavros had somehow made him feel alive, Gamzee felt better by seeing his bro-
But Tavros had also been the one to hurt him.
Left him alone and hurt, with nothing at all, nothing to live for...
Tavros still had his heart...
Gamzee grabbed the small sweater, revealing his lovely clubs beneath the black cloth, and Gamzee couldn't stop himself from smiling.
It was like Tavros was telling him to prove his feelings...
Laughter ripped through the sober Capricorn, of course, it all made sense. He just had to prove his flush for his to-be-matesprit, Tavros was obviously flushed for him. And if that didn't work, Gamzee would make Tavros wax red for him. Gamzee washed up, trying to make a good impression on his favorite motherfucker, reapplying his make-up without any thought. Gamzee was defiantly happier since his sober time, and now he would paint miracles for Tavbro-
THEY'LL ALL DIE FOR THE MESSIAH.
They will all die for love.
A/N: Thanks to everyone for reading and encouraging me to continue this, I am truly sorry for the late update but I hope you enjoyed this.