It's true, we're all a little insane
But it's so clear,
Now that I'm unchained…
"Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence
Untangling his arms from around her body, he held Thea back an arm's length and glared at her incredulously. Did he hear her right? Did she really say what he thought she said? "What?" he replied rather dumbly.
"I'm going to kill Appo and Bow," Thea disengaged herself from Cody and walked over to the dresser to pick out her clothes. Cody was dumbfounded at how nonchalant she was acting. Did some spirit possess his woman?
Finding his voice, Cody asked, "You think killing them is going to solve all your problems?" At one time he had thought seeking revenge on Rex and Ahsoka would satisfy his guilt for the loss of Obi Wan and Barriss Offee, but thankfully he hadn't been successful. Bow and Appo were nothing like his brother and Jedi, but spilling blood was still spilling blood.
"I know it will," Thea let the towel side from her body and fall to the ground. It always made Cody seethe at seeing the savage scars and faded bruises that would never truly go away tarnish her body and he could understand her want to seek vengeance, but to really go through with it? "I can't sleep anymore Cody, I can't dream without seeing their faces above me, their hands all over me and…" she had to hold the gag back, "well you know the rest."
"Have you ever taken a life Thea?" Cody slowly approached her and leaned against the dresser, watching as her body went from relaxed to rigid. Slipping on a long sleeved shirt as she always had so that her scars were covered; she narrowed her eyes at Cody.
"What's that got to do with me killing Appo and Bow?"
"Everything!" Cody threw his arms up in the air in exasperation. "I know what they did to you they deserve to burn in hell for all eternity, but do you really want to be the one with their blood on your hands? Thea, I have killed. I know what it's like to have that on your conscience. Are you prepared to take away life?"
"Yes," she answered without hesitation. "Cody," Thea shifted from one foot to another uneasily. Looking down almost ashamed, she was trying to think of a way without completely offending her lover, but also trying to make him understand her need as well.
"Hey, you can tell me," Cody gently cupped her chin and raised her head to look at him. The brutal, jagged scar that viciously ran across her pretty face also served as a constant reminder for Thea and Cody of the animalist attack from Appo. Cody moved his hand and lightly caressed the scar and over her lips, tenderly brushing his lips over hers. "Tell me," he whispered against her.
Unable to stop from flinching as Appo's sickly voice echoed once again in her mind, nothing like her lover's soothing timber, Thea pushed off his chest and took a step back away from him. "Tell me Red," his voice licked her. The walls she broke down for Cody were quickly rebuilding themselves as a fortress; around her mind and heart, protecting her from hurt and the pain associated with it.
Cody ground his jaw together. Had it all been in a vain attempt to let himself feel for another? He thought he had found love in Thea, found his freedom and soul, but as she slowly backed herself away from him, distancing herself; he only found the old feeling of cold and anger. No…you both worked too hard and have come too far to be torn away by dreams. Fight against it, fight for her.
"Is this about me not being Echo?" Cody asked all emotion voided from his voice. Thea's head shot up and eyes very bright. I knew it; I knew she wasn't over him. The jealousy he thought he buried swelled his veins and burned in his blood.
"Never Cody," Thea shook her head. Tell him, her mind begged; tell him why you have to do this before you lose him. "I know you're not Echo as you know I'm not Barriss and I love you for who you are." Tell him…
"Then why did you ask me to make you forget? Why did you say that I'll never be like him and so forth?" Cody demanded. Arms folded in front of his wide, strong chest he looked ever the forbidding solider that the GAR was proud of. He had every right to question her Thea realized. It did sound as though she had been comparing Echo against Cody and she had to do something quickly.
"You must think I'm mad don't you?" Thea walked over to the table where Cody had a cup of the sweet drink waiting for her and took a sip from it. Peering over the rim of the cup, she glanced at Cody's frowning face.
"Well, you sure haven't acted yourself in the past week so it lends me to think something has hit a switch," he rumbled.
"I wasn't talking about Echo when I asked you to make me forget. I would never ask you to do that, as I would hope to never be asked to make you forget about Barriss. Cody, in my dreams it isn't just Appo and Bow I see anymore." Setting the cup down, Thea took a breath and prayed that he wouldn't fly off the handle when she explained.
It was Cody's turn to shift uneasily in his spot and his frown deepened. "Who do you see?" A very bad feeling set in hard in his stomach.
Grimacing as she took another sip her voice muffled by the cup, Cody did not mistaken as she said, "You."
"Me?" he pointed at his chest. Granted he had the same face as all clones, but each one had their own little quirks. How could she even think of associating him with those…scums?
"I know you wouldn't do anything like that Cody," Thea quickly defended, hoping to extinguish any fire that may ignite, "but this is why I have to kill them. I can't have your beauty, what you and I have worked so hard to make destroyed by two monsters."
Cody had trouble making his mind work, let alone his voice. It took him a moment before he could formulate a response without it sounding too harsh. She was linking him with an atrocious act, one that he couldn't even say out loud without gaging and talking about killing the ones who actually caused it.
"And you think by offing Appo and Bow it will relieve you of these dreams; stop seeing me as your assailant?" Cody snarled.
"Yes Cody, I wouldn't have brought it up otherwise. I promise you I am not going crazy, but I can't live with these nightmares terrorizing me anymore. If, when," she corrected herself, "they are gone I know I'll be in peace. We both can be in peace."
He was hurt that she had placed him with such monsters, but it finally began to become clear as to how much pain Thea really was in. He had been in awful situations as well after getting out of the newly constructed Empire, trying to make ends-meat, barely getting by alive and taking several brutal beatings sexually and physically for a coin or two, but to have it savagely ripped from you over and over again; yes he would want the monsters destroyed. It still didn't mean it didn't hurt any less to be seen in her eyes as one of them.
After several long minutes Cody approached Thea and stood before her. He didn't touch her and she made no attempt to touch him. Standing a head taller made her have to look up to him and she did with both conviction and apology written in her dark eyes.
"I'll do this with or without you Cody," she said softly. "I'd rather have you with me."
"I'm standing here in front of you Thea, as you look at me do you see me as them? Do you see me as a monster?" Cody inwardly held his breath, but gave the persona of calm, cool and collected.
"No," she instantly replied. She skimmed his body with a light touch of her palms, sending shivers and goose bumps to sprout on his skin. Thea rested them on his broad shoulders and gripped them, Cody feeling her nails dig into his flesh. He neither flinched nor said anything, just continued to watch her face. "No Cody," she kissed his jaw. Not anymore.
Feeling him sigh against her, he breathed against her cheek, "I'll always be with you."
Traveling through space there was no concept of day or night since it was always dark only lit by the various stars, suns and planets. Thea had a basic time reader in the cockpit and main hull of her ship set to Coruscant time so at least it would give her body some sort of biological make-up of when to get up, go to sleep and some sort of hour during the day.
She was very much aware that she had hurt Cody's feelings when she had told him the reason of her need to kill Appo and Bow. Cody had spent most of the day away from her or when they did cross paths it was few words exchanged between and friction was taut. Now that she and Cody had come to somewhat of an agreement on ridding the universe of the two commanders, Thea had to come up with a plan.
Sitting alone in the cockpit with her legs propped up on the control panel and hands folded in her lap, Thea stared out into the vast, deep of space. With no destination in mind just yet, she and Cody were traveling on sub light engines to conserve fuel and energy. They were going to have to make landfall soon for some much needed supplies and perhaps she could talk to some of her better trusted contacts to see where some of the more secretive of Empire holds were. Figuring Appo and Bow were higher ranked; they would be on some of the tougher, top secret type missions. She would have to pick Cody's brain as well since he had experience with at least Appo.
Thea had to make it up to Cody as well. She had made a serious error in seeing him in the slightest way as those scumbags. Though he had said he'd always be with her, this critically pushed his limits of trust in her. Thea knew she was acting in a way he wasn't used to and made him weary of her intentions and he already was in a fragile state. Sighing, she rubbed her tired eyes and set her feet on the floor. Pushing herself out of the leather chair, she strode out of the cockpit to find her one and steady force in her life and hope to make some sort of amends.
Cody chewed on his cheek until the skin inside screamed for him to stop. The copper taste of blood filed his mouth, but he paid no mind to it. It only served as a slight distraction to the anger and offence at Thea's accusation. Well, it wasn't really an accusation more as a mere allegation, but it still hurt none the less. Sitting alone in the hull with a couple of darts, he flung one as hard as he could at the board that he and Thea had hung a while back and watched it rock violently back and forth as the dart penetrated it.
He was trying to be understanding, he was going to support her in her crazy idea and after all, he did ask her to tell him and she did. But he was not prepared for that kind of answer. Cody chucked another dart at the board, missing it completely and hitting the side of the hull. It made a loud ding and fell lifelessly to the ground.
"You missed," Cody jumped in his seat, caught off guard and stuck deep in his thoughts; he did not hear Thea enter the room. Standing with both arms bracing her between the doorway, she gave Cody a small smile. He did not return the smile. Her heart dropping a bit, Thea did not want to get completely discouraged. She rolled her shoulders back and stepped into the hull and walked over to the fallen dart. Picking it up and then taking the one out of the board, Cody watched her every movement right up to her standing by his side. Palm flat, she held out the darts to him.
He curled them around his fingers and slowly slid them out of her hand, never breaking eye contact with her. He tossed a dart again and as it thumped against the board, Cody let the other fly from his fingers. Cocking her head to the side, Thea saw where the darts landed: one on the bull's eye and the other right next to it.
"I'm sorry if I offended you Cody," Thea tried to apologize. He continued to glare at her, had his chestnut eyes always been so fiery? "It was just a horrible, stupid dream and the issue will be resolved very soon. I know you aren't those people, I know you couldn't or wouldn't do those things. I love and trust you."
He wanted to shout at her, "Do you!" but he couldn't. Cody loved Thea very much no matter how much turmoil, no matter how up and down their relationship was. Lifting his hands and placing them on her waist, he guided her to sit on his lap and tucked her head under his chin. She curled up against his chest, hearing the soft rhythmic beats of his heart and twined her fingers in his shirt. Not all was forgiven, Thea knew, but it was a start.
"Thea," she could feel the rumbled vibrations through his throat against the top of her head.
"Yes Cody," she murmured back.
"When this…" he searched for the right words, "mission is complete; you have to promise me something."
Thea could feel her body began to tense again, but willed it to stop. She had asked so much from him, she could do this one thing for him. "What is it Cody?" her grip tightened on his shirt.
"You have to promise me you'll get some help. I don't care if it's from Ahsoka or Bardan Jusik, but you'll seek one of them out and have them help you with these dreams." There were some things that Cody knew that he wouldn't be able to help her with, especially since he was already emotionally involved.
"They'll end as soon as Appo and Bow are dead," Thea was convinced of it.
"Just promise me Thea," Cody gently commanded. He didn't like the idea of going to a Jedi or anyone for outside help, but this situation was beyond him.
Feeling the soft breaths against his neck, he heard her whisper, "Okay Cody," and snuggled deeper into the crook of his neck.
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More to come soon! =)