Since my original short-story collection has now both grown to a humungous size and no longer fits the title, I have decided to turn this into my new short story bank.

Many thanks to: badly-knitted, chironsgirl, L.A.H.H., Marian Locksley, milady dragon, A-Cola-Product, ohmyianto, thedeejay, GallifreyenCultOfSkaro, insert-witty-comment-here and Chaos 'shade' Shadow.

A Report on the Recent League tables, as instigated by Jack,

Author: I. Jones

Preliminary note: Jack might have instigated them, but it was my idea.

To summarise: It has long been noticed that despite the inherent unpredictability of the Rift, certain situations and events seem to recur frequently in our line of work. In an attempt to investigate just how often these occurred, so that we had a clearer picture on which to act, I suggested that we start a more detailed record. Jack agreed enthusiastically and set up a score chart with a column for each of us (read: got me to design a score chart). Now the team get stickers for each time they successfully achieve something on the list (brushing their teeth, going to bed on time etc. Only joking, Owen.) This is the three-month compilation report.

I have divided this up into sections, with a conclusion, if necessary, for each. Wry remarks, attempts at humour etc dotted throughout.

Disrupting an investigation through ignorance, stupidity etc

J. Harkness ?

O. Harper 4

G. Cooper 2

T. Sato 2/12

I. Jones 1

There seems to be a false belief flying around that Gwen does this. A lot. I asked her, and she believes it too. And she apologised. Actually, in the three months we've just gone through only I got less stars than her on this one. There are several factors at play here though, and some points are contentious.

The Rift predictor has been playing up a lot recently, and Owen argues that since Tosh designed it, this by default counts as Tosh messing up. This is highly debatable. Nevertheless, the lockdown caused by her accidentally activating the NOT-in-any-way-a-toaster by putting a bagel in it did severely disrupt our apprehension of a kleptomaniac brufash, and nearly burn down the Hub.

Owen comes second on this list, and still refuses to believe it. He claims being drunk as an excuse for the Aldevian incident, but the rest of us feel that this does not hold. And as for the second incident? Never throw a rock at a weevil. Ever.

Jack tops the list. So much so that I conducted a small investigation of my own. The problem is the flirting.

In approximately 80% of cases Jack's flirtation does no damage, or helps further an enquiry. In all the other cases it hinders it. Jack can't understand this, but basically some people take the attentions of a stranger/Jack badly, in particular certain categories of people. For example (hint hint, Jack) men who are straight, women who are not, security guards, police detectives (Yes, Jack, I do mean Swanson) and Rhys Williams.

Conclusion Common sense is a must-have in all areas of life. This being said, it is somewhat surprising that we had so few mess-ups.

Lock-downs

J. Harkness 1 (but it was deliberate, apparently)

O. Harper 1

G. Cooper 1/2

T. Sato 0/6

I. Jones 1 (not of own free will)

Again, there are external factors at work.

Tosh – The Rift predictor is once again to blame, and Owen claims the same argument holds. No one (not even Tosh) is quite sure how it keeps managing to access the lock-down systems, but it does. Or at least it did. It now seems to have exhausted this avenue of entertainment. Fortunately, we never got shut in at a time when we desperately needed to get out, and we did once have a rather nice sleepover.

Jack – Apparently it was deliberate, and we need a lockdown test once every ten years. Who knows? No one else has been here that long, but I haven't yet found anything in the rules to verify it.

Owen – jointly with Gwen, whilst playing basketball. CCTV evidence suggests that it was Owen who actually threw the ball. And it hit the Rift 'Predictor' device, so this counts (possibly) as one of Tosh's too.

Ianto – see 'possession' for exculpating factors

Gwen – Once with Owen, once for the only proper use of the lock-down system these last three months – to contain a weevil outbreak. It is generally agreed that this shouldn't count, but Gwen quite likes the stickers.

Conclusion We have on average three lock-downs a month, according to these results, making them a near-weekly event. However, this is mostly due to the problems with the Rift Predictor, which seems to have settled down now.

Weevil problems

No-one can quite remember what this category stands for, and whether it was intended for 'close encounters of a vicious kind', 'accidentally releasing all the weevils' or 'displays of strange and unnerving power over the weevils.' Whatever it is, Owen wins hands down.

Hostage situations

Gwen's reputation is well-earned:

J. Harkness 0

O. Harper 0

G. Cooper 12

T. Sato 1

I. Jones 1

Gwen is the main topic for concern here. Mine and Tosh's is explained (again) under 'Possession' (apparently possession counts as a hostage situation). It is, however, to be noted that nine of Gwen's hostage situations occurred on the same day, due to an incredibly, incredibly annoying time loop. If you want the full details go and talk to Gwen, because it's rather a long story. The only other note is that one of the abductions was an accident – they were aiming for a Torchwood spouse, and got the wrong person. We still aren't sure how they managed this. Tosh and Gwen seem to think it was some form of sexism. Privately I agree with Owen – you would have to be either blind or very very stupid not to realise that Gwen is far more dangerous than Rhys. As it was, we arrived to find two aliens with bullet-holes in them (something Owen assures me is not part of their normal physiology) and a very smug Gwen. But she did get taken hostage, even if unsuccessfully, so it still counts.

Conclusion Again, the averages are wrong, this time due to the time loop – if Gwen was getting taken hostage as regularly as once a week, then I would advise that we never let her out of the Hub. As it is, maybe it would be a wise idea to fit the team with trackers? Apart from the fact that Jack would know where we were every moment of the day, it would save a lot of trouble in these situations.

Near-death experiences

We lost track, and no one could decide how 'near death' it had to be before it counted, or even how you measure the nearness of death. We're all about equal anyway. But cutting down would be a good idea, so long as we don't just switch to actual death experiences.

Actual death experiences

No prizes for guessing who wins this one.

On another (and more worrying) note, it is possible that other deaths occurred during the time loop episode. Gwen is hazy about the details in one instance in particular, and all she can remember is that 'they shot someone.'

Conclusion Since none of the 'actual deaths' were of a permanent nature, their designation as 'actual deaths' can be challenged, but I think we all prefer it that way.

Exploding aliens (dead or alive)

J. Harkness 2

O. Harper 6

G. Cooper 0

T. Sato 0

I. Jones 0

Those gloopy things from the Medusa Cascade should not be given salt. Ever.

N.B. Owen's practical jokes are rarely funny, apart from for Owen.

Possession

J. Harkness 0

O. Harper 0

G. Cooper 0

T. Sato 0

I. Jones 1

Just me. See full report under file name IK43518b1.

Owen, Jack and Gwen are demanding a summary in this report. This at least means that this report will be read.

In short, I was possessed by an alien influence acting through the latest Rift gift we'd picked up. During this time I/the possessing alien put the Hub into lockdown and held Toshiko hostage at gunpoint. Fortunately Jack was prepared for this eventuality because he 'thought the coffee was worse than usual' and managed to stop me/the possessing alien. Owen has come up with an alternative theory that states that I am permanently possessed, and that this incident was merely the real Ianto emerging for a brief while. Help help let me out. However, it's been generally decided that if this is the case then everyone prefers the possessed-Ianto help on account of the coffee and the not-being-held-at-gunpoint. Jack help

N.B. I'm not really possessed. Honest.

(help)

Under the influence (of just about anything)

See 'possession.'

Why did we put this category in? Oh, it was because someone wanted to keep track of how many times Owen came in 'the worse for wear' after a night on the town, help following the Aldevian incident. The time when Tosh, Gwen and I got high on the alien equivalent of marijuana help me probably counts as well. So we want a table something like this:

J. Harkness continually

O. Harper 4

G. Cooper 2

T. Sato 1

I. Jones 2

Jack is rated as 'continually' because he has been completely under my thumb help I'm not for the past three months, apart from the bit where I was possessed (which I'm not any more) and the bit where I saw trees growing out of Owen's head.

Report summary

Miraculously we are all still here, mostly unharmed, and not at all possessed. In order for this to continue I would advise the application of large doses of common sense, a virtue one can never have too much of. Luck is also helpful.

Ianto Jones. help

Notes and Corrections – J. Harkness

The 'possession' statistics should read thus:

J. Harkness 0

O. Harper 0

G. Cooper 0

T. Sato 0

I. Jones 2

And the 'hostage situations':

J. Harkness 0

O. Harper 0

G. Cooper 13

T. Sato 1

I. Jones 2

Fewer early warning signs this time, but we got there in time. I hope this isn't a recurrent event. A full report will be filed after the exorcism. (Is that the right word? I'll ask Ianto later, once we've got him back.)

Further notes – O. Harper

I'm not the only one whose 'practical jokes' are funny only to themselves.