A/N: New week, new chapter! Please note that this is not only a relationship and love story, but also a survivor's story. We have some more difficult moments for Amanda here with her past coming up once again, so if you are sensitive to anything PTSD-related, please be careful.
Chapter 14: Job Fair and Money Matters
It was only shortly past noon, but Amanda felt worn-out. Exhaustion mostly overcame her during the day and she always found herself thinking that if she could crash right now, she'd sleep like a rock, she'd totally pass out. But of course, she rarely ever had the opportunity to just fall into bed in the middle of the day, and today was no different. Today was actually even worse because she needed to stay focused and keep a close eye on the bunch of adolescents that were currently her responsibility. In a school building, this was something Amanda could handle very well and in a mostly relaxed manner, but this huge job-fair that took place in an exhibition hall was another thing entirely: There were students here participating from multiple schools, and there were more ways to get into trouble or cause a scene than a classroom usually made possible. Amanda and Nick had agreed to split, Nick keeping a stern eye on the boys, mostly, while Amanda was assigned the task of keeping track of the girl's whereabouts.
Amanda was glad when finally, a makeshift podium was put up in the middle of the spacious hall and the students were prompted to listen to a lecture and an interview about the choosing a career path that was most suitable for oneself. Nick and her managed to usher all of their students into one section of the room so that it would be easier during this item on the agenda not to loose them out of sight. When Amanda felt that she was not going to survive that "career talk" conducted by some middle-aged, boringly professional-looking people who desperately attempted to use teenage slang in order to make themselves more popular to their young audience, without a coffee, she furtively motioned to Nick to let him know that she'd be right back. She decided that she'd get him a cup too, after all this way she could reciprocate for the one he had bought her early this morning. Yeah, that would be the decent thing to do. It would also be the normal thing to do in any friendship and that kinda was what Nick and she had agreed upon without too many words spoken about it, right?
When her bladder discreetly suggested that maybe, she should head to the ladies room first, Amanda made a beeline towards it. Drinking coffee while already having to pee was definitely not a good idea.
When she pushed open the heavy door, the intense smell of nicotine immediately invaded her nostrils. It took Amanda not even the fraction of a second to make out its cause because it was plain as day: Louisa was sitting on the sink between two of the faucets, and blowing smoke rings into the air. The cigarette was expertly held between two of her fingers, this was definitely not her first time smoking. However, it was maybe the first time she'd ever been caught because there was a flash of something like genuine concern on her immaculate features. The tiniest trace of baby fat was still visible on Louisa's impeccably made-up face, but otherwise, she managed to pull off looking like the adult she thought she already was with an impressive ease Amanda was fairly certain she had not possessed at that age.
"Louisa!", she hissed and looked around to check if the stalls were empty. They all were, probably because there were another two sets of restrooms dispersed in this building and the one Amanda had walked into was a little more offside from the hall's center. "You can't smoke in here, Missy", she chided the girl.
The reply was a particularly deep draw on the cigarette. Louisa took her time to blink lazily and then exhale with the contentment of somebody who had everything they needed to be fine. "I just really needed a cigarette", the girl stated with a shrug that implied she wasn't at all intimated. She had nerves, that much was true.
"Yeah okay, but people need lots of things and there's still something like manners and appropriate circumstances or circumstances that aren't... well, appropriate for certain guilty pleasures."
Louisa considered this for a moment. Then, she slowly lowered her hand and snipped the cigarette onto the rather grimy-looking floor, sliding down from her position seated on the sink between two of the faucets in a fluid, almost feline-like motion, and stomped the cigarette out with the tip of her fashionable red boots.
"Thank you", Amanda said sarcastically. "Now, who's gonna pick up that stub?"
Louisa gave her an innocent smile. "I'm sure they have cleaning staff around here."
Amanda shook her head in mild annoyance. "Why is it so important to you to make such a show out of everything?", she couldn't stop herself from asking although the question was utterly unnecessary. Girls like Louisa lived for the attention. They created this whole narrative about them, the one that made it impossible to slip out of that role ever. Essentially, Louisa was a very predictable person. Maybe that was even part of her charm, Amanda supposed. Or maybe people were simply afraid that she'd turn against them next. People like Louisa where never prissy about stuff when holding a grudge.
Louisa only snorted. "I'm outta here, whatever", she mumbled and rushed for the door that Amanda was still partly blocking with her body having only barely entered as her gaze had instantly fallen on Louisa.
Amanda did not step to the side immediately. Instead, she looked at Louisa from the now closer distance and tried a more conciliatory tone: "You know, smoking truly isn't healthy for you. You might wanna reconsider if it's really worth it."
"Oh, gee, thank you, Doctor", Louisa retorted in a voice that dripped with boredom but was not even meant to insult, really: It just showed that she had become tired of this short and meaningless exchange and wished for something a bit more exciting, now.
Amanda bit back any further replies and pulled open the door to politely let Louisa walk outside. She went into one of the stalls and made an effort not to touch the toilet seat with any part of her body. She hated public restrooms, okay, well, maybe this one was only accessible for the job fair visitors but that still meant that hundreds of people would be using it today.
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The day seemed to drag on forever. To make matters even worse, Nick persuaded Amanda into going to a fast-food restaurant with the students for dinner; he claimed that they wouldn't like the food served at the youth hostel anyway. Amanda had to agree with him on that point; the whole fast-food chain thing, however, turned out to be quite chaotic with a bunch of apparently starving adolescents; some boys started to throw fries at each other while a heated argument broke out between three girls over something quintessentially very minor but it seemed to upset all of them a great deal and resulted in one of them breaking into hot tears of frustration and bolting out of the restaurant. This, of course, had been Amanda's cue to jump up from her seat and chase after the girl called Nikki, throwing an apologetic glance at Amaro who just waved her off in order to signal that he had everything under control.
After Amanda had successfully consoled Nikki and coaxed her back inside, she returned to hear seat next to Nick's and let out a deep sigh.
"Olivia owes us big-time", the male teacher joked. He wasn't serious, they both exchanged a knowing smile: after all, such activities were part of their job. Still, the huge responsibility they currently shared over a bunch of adolescents running high on hormones seemed to create a stronger bond between them; however Amanda found herself wondering for a moment what it would be like to have Olivia there with her instead of Amaro; she pushed the thought aside for later examination because what did it matter anyway?
When they exited the restaurant, Amanda glanced over her shoulder to see some employees behind the counter who seemed to shook their heads in comical relief over the departure of the student group that had been quite loud and annoying in the way only teenagers were. Amanda sincerely hoped for them that none of the other school classes at the job fair was planning on getting dinner at their restaurant tonight.
Back at the youth hostel, Nick and Amanda had to solve a case of a supposedly lost backpack (which wasn't lost but had been hidden away by two students as a "prank") and deal with a stubbed-toe emergency (the afflicted student claimed that it hurt so bad it certainly had to be broken, but only when Amanda finally suggested they drive to the local hospital together, the boy backpedaled that it felt "much better already" and that his family was actually even quite well-known for their ability to suddenly and miraculously heal from broken body parts...)
Amanda was letting out a huge sigh of relief when she was finally in her small, sparsely furnished hostel room. By no means a Ritz, but she wasn't into luxury anyway and besides, it was only one night, so she didn't care either way. She took the long, hot shower she had promised herself multiple times during the day, washed her hair including a thorough massage of her scalp (she had a faint headache from all the hours spent at the job fair with its quite considerable noise level) and then slipped into a comfortable set of clothes that she would be able to sleep in but that also looked suitable enough for quickly checking in on her students should there be any need to. She was just using a hair-tie to do her hair up into a messy bun when her cellphone suddenly rang. Half expecting it was Amaro from the room next to her, she grabbed it without looking at the screen first. "Yeah?"
"Mandy, it's Kim speaking, y'know – your sister?" The plaintive tone of Kim's voice made Amanda's skin crawl uncomfortably.
"I told you to stop calling me that", were the first words to leave her mouth although she had not consciously decided on saying them. Kim constantly made fun of her for apparently feeling to good and educated now to care for her childhood nickname any longer.
"Well you don't call me Kimberly either", her sister did not miss a beat. Amanda sighed. "You want to be called Kim, don't you? See, that's the difference", she said plopping down onto her hostel bed. Her bare feet immediately twitched at the itchy fabric of the sheets. Settling into a cross-legged position, she bluntly asked: "So, what is it you want this time 'round?"
Kim had not called in a few weeks, they'd exchanged a couple of meaningless text messages, but normally, a call meant that Kim was in need of something and demanded Amanda help her. Amanda loved her sister, she did, but it was mostly for the past they shared: after all, Kim and her had spent countless hours together in their crammed childhood bedroom, Amanda had taught Kim how to swim and how to ride a bike, they'd roamed around the neighborhood together and the protectiveness Amanda had felt towards Kim back then had never fully left.
Kim did not even deny what her older sister was implying. "How's the teaching going up there?", she asked, referring to New York and Amanda's new position.
"How's the – Kim, you're not interested in my teaching career at all", Amanda said and tiredly rubbed her nose with her shirtsleeve.
Kim giggled on the other end of the line. It was still the same giggle she had used as a twenty-year old waitress to get customers to give her a generous tip.
"Well, Mandy, dunno if you noticed, but life's getting pretty expensive down here, and with Dad-"
"Stop", Amanda cut her off, surprising herself by her unexpectedly sharp tone. "You know that Dad and I have not been talking to each other for quite a while now and I have also told you numerous times that I don't want to be involved in anything regarding him, right?"
"A'right, a'right", Kim placated her although her own tone of voice suggested that she was not buying any of Amanda's genuine indignation. "You at least wanna hear the news about Mum?", she then asked in order to regain her footing in the conversation they were having.
Amanda rolled her eyes and tugged on the neckline of her shirt that suddenly seemed way too constricting. "'kay, shoot."
"Pardon me?", Kim asked as if she had not been the one to come up with their mother only seconds ago.
"What are the news about Mum?", Amanda nudged with a growing sense of impatience. Her whole family was irritating the hell outta her and it only served as another reminder of how little she actually had in control outside of a classroom.
"There are no news about Mum", Kim shared as if actually telling news. Amanda groaned inwardly but managed to keep her tone level. "'kay, so now that we've done the customary small talk that was basically a joke, care to tell me what it is you need this time 'round? Because I'm actually working and don't have all night, Kim", she added pointedly.
"Well, you're not the only one working!", Kim protested in only partly mock outrage. "I have to get up, like, super-early tomorrow to help Chad with his deliveries."
"Good God", Amanda huffed. "Chad? Are you serious? You don't by any chance mean Criminal-Record-Chad who broke your jaw once?"
"That was ages ago!", Kim yelled. "Seriously, Mandy, you've got to cut people some slack, you always act like the whole world's after you!"
The statement was odd in this context but not so odd generally, as even Amanda had to admit to herself. Still, the ball of rage inside her only increased at her train wreck sister's nerve to attack her like that.
"And you, Kim, need to get your shit together and see that Chad guy for the failure he is", she hissed into her cellphone, "because you can't keep going on like this, or you'll end up like-"
"Chad, hiiii!", Kim suddenly cooed in the high-pitched voice she saved for her boyfriends. Amanda could make out a gravelly voice in the background and then she heard a smacking noise that was probably a welcome-home kiss being exchanged. She pulled a disgusted face at having to witness this show of affection. After a couple more seconds, Kim was back on her cellphone. "Mandy, sorry, I gotta go, I made dinner for Chad", she chirped, seemingly having forgotten whatever favor she wanted to ask Amanda for.
"Okay, but – Kim, are you taking your medication?", Amanda quickly demanded to know. She did not want this to be any of her business, didn't even want to ask and wanted the answer even less; but still, Kim was her sister, that was a fact, and Amanda just couldn't help herself. She had seen her sister in distress too often in the past and it never ended well.
"Jeez, Mandy, relax, mind your own business", Kim easily laughed away her sister's concern on the other end of the line but she did not sound offended at all. To her, it was just a part of their routine that had been established over the years: Mandy making sure she was okay, her acting annoyed about it, her calling again whenever she needed her older sister to "borrow" her money or fix something she'd done.
"And – you're not drinking, are you?", Amanda added another question despite her sister's lack of a proper response to the previous one. "You know what the doctors say, the medication doesn't work when you consume alco-"
"Yeah I know, no alcohol, no drugs, no fun whatsoever yadda yadda bla blah", Kim interrupted her sister and chortled softly. "You're such a buzzkill, Mandy, like, you're not a saint yourself, 'kay?" She was talking in a humorous way, making fun mostly, but there was an acerbity to her voice that Amanda didn't feel keen to explore any time soon. "See, I really have to hang up now, Chad and I are off to an early start tomorrow – hey, actually, remember when I worked at your school in Atlanta?", she suddenly seemed to remember a train of thought she had wanted to bring up for this call.
Amanda stood up from the bed so swiftly that she felt lightheaded for a moment. "Yeah, so?"
"Well, I wanted to ask you – I mean, the pay wasn't that bad and maybe now that some time has passed – you think they might have a job for me again?"
"I thought you were helping Chad out." Amanda did not recognize the sound of her own voice. It sounded far away and very foreign while she just stood glued to the spot, cellphone pressed to her ear, head swimming.
"Yes, I do, but it's just – it's just a tiny thing, Mandy, c'mon on! I thought maybe you could pull some strings, y'know, get them to give me another chance..." Her voice trailed off as she had made her request quite clear now.
"You stole from them." Her whole body felt hot, up to her fingertips, her intestines were practically on flames. She felt the urge to swallow down her own saliva but her mouth was so dry, so so dry.
"I – listen, Mandy, I need to go now, but it wasn't such a big deal in the end, huh? You got me off the hook. You always do", Kim stated not exactly affectionate but with an audible edge of fondness in her voice. To Kim, this was just how the world worked, Amanda getting her out of trouble because she had the right kind of education, the right kind of manners, the right way with words. "Anyway, I'd be so so grateful to you. Money's been tight, y'know?"
"I'll wire you something", Amanda said mechanically and didn't even wait for Kim's thanks before she ended the call and threw her cellphone onto the bed before she rushed into the bathroom and threw up her dinner of french fries and a cheeseburger, retching over the toilet bowl when she wasn't sure whether she was done puking or not. Apparently, she was.
On wobbly legs, she got up and supported herself on the sink. She stared into her reflection in the smudged mirror. She looked hunted, pale, lifeless almost. She could not think about this. Not ever. She needed to push it away. Compartmentalize it. There was stuff one just had to live with, without wallowing in self-pity or making a big old fuss. Harboring resentment against Kim also was not helpful; after all, Kim did not know about any of this, and she never would. No, this had to stay between her and the other person involved forever. Everything else would just be... worse.
"Can it get any worse, though?", she found herself mumbling and flinched because what the hell?
"Get over it already!", she commanded her pathetic reflection in the bathroom mirror and turned on the faucet to splash her ashen face with some cold water. It helped enough to make her consider her next move. She grabbed the keys to her room but not her cellphone, slipped into socks and a cardigan, and stepped out into the dimly lit hallway. Everything was quiet; it had gotten late, and though she was not in any mood to, she felt compelled to check on the students, so she carefully locked her hostel room before heading over to Amaro's door and knocking two times. He opened up almost instantly in a black tee and cloth pants that looked somewhat tattered, his jet-black hair standing up spiky in all directions.
"Sorry, did I wake you?", Amanda whispered to which Nick attempted to hide a yawn by covering his mouth with his palm. "Nah, it's good", he assured her. "I was just napping." He blinked. "Something the matter?", he asked, alarmed by the prospect of maybe having to track down some missing student or solving a big fight between a pair of "frenemies" during this very late hour of the day.
"Nah, just thought we could do another round, check on 'em", Amanda explained and worried her lower lip. "Perhaps that's a dumb idea?", she asked but Nick gently put his hand on her shoulder. "It's fine, we should do that", he reassured her and so that's what they did, making sure that all their students were still safely in their rooms, finding that most of them had even gone to sleep already, done in from the long day behind them.
When they got back to their rooms that were just next door from each other and it became apparent that Nick intended to chivalrously watch her make it safely back inside, Amanda sighed and turned around to him instead of unlocking the door. She hated admitting that she was in need of something, anything really, and deep down (she wasn't stupid, after all), she knew exactly that this was partly a result from her childhood where she and her sister had mostly learned to fend for themselves; that feelings were better kept buried deep inside, because if you ever showed vulnerability, it would only assist people in using your neediness against you. She simply could not face the possibility of having to spend one night in a motel room all on her own, though. She especially couldn't after the unsettling conversation with her sister over the phone. It would be different if she were not responsible for a bunch of students; she'd probably start drinking, maybe pull an all-nighter trying to focus on getting some work done. She could try the latter, she reasoned, but she hadn't taken much of her paperwork with her, so it would be hard to come up with anything substantial. She had also brought a book but knew that she would not be in the right head-space for reading.
"Hey." Nick's voice, gentle with an edge of sleepiness, pulled her out of her thoughts. "You having a rough one?"
A part of Amanda felt compelled to answer in the negative, claim that she was simply tired. Another part of her, though, was actually too exhausted to come up with some lame excuse. She felt this overwhelming sense of dread wash over her, but there also was a kind of stubborn fed-upedness with all her self-imposed self-sufficiency.
"Nick", she found herself saying and she marveled at even being able to speak the words that sounded so unfamiliar and for a moment caught her off-balance, "I don't wanna be alone tonight. Can I stay with you, like, in your room?"
He put a strong hand on one of her bony shoulders. "Of course, Amanda, that's what friends are for, right?"
Amanda had not really ever not had friends, but she'd come to learn that not many people stayed on when you lost track of yourself. Almost no one from Atlanta or from her times at university had bothered to stay in touch unless she had been the one to initiate it. For years, she had kind of guessed that it was enough for her to have her circle of acquaintances, people she could go for a drink with on weekends, or people with whom she could go to the gym or grab a coffee, but there had always been something perfunctory about these types of relationships, and she knew from the books she'd devoured in her childhood and youth that true friendship probably meant something else entirely. It also meant opening up and being vulnerable, though, and while this had always been difficult for Amanda, it now proved to be nearly impossible.
Nick ushered her into his motel room and casually asked her if she wanted a can of coke which she readily accepted. He motioned for her to sit and because there was not really any other seating option, she lowered herself onto the edge of his bed carefully. His motel room looked exactly like hers, she noticed. When she took in her surroundings, she also took note of the tablet that was lying on his pillow,earbuds still plugged in. She gestured to it while flipping open the lid of her coke. "Watched anything interesting?", she asked.
Nick shrugged and sat down next to her, leaving a couple of inches of distance between them. After all, he supposedly wasn't trying to get in her pants. "Just some documentary about parenting stuff", he then admitted and intertwined his fingers in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture.
It was the first time that Amanda felt safe enough to ask him more about his kids who she now learned were both living with their mothers but spending time with him regularly because he still wished to be involved in their upbringing. Their names, he said, were Zara and Gilberto. Amanda learned that he'd had Zara with his former spouse Maria and Gilberto with a woman called Cynthia. Her harbored great respect for both of the women but also voiced some concern about Cynthia who had a new boyfriend with whom Gilberto did not get along well. Amanda even dared to ask him whether Gilberto could move in with him, whether it would be a possibility. Nick did not seem upset at her carefully worded question. He contemplated for a minute before the ghost of a tiny smile appeared on his lips. "Well, yeah, sure, that would be nice, I just don't know if Cynthia would agree. And I've never really had one of the kids 24/7, although I'm sure he'd still like to see his mother regularly, she's a good person despite everything that went down between us... we were young and passionate and quite madly in love", he confessed ruffling his hair a little self-consciously.
Amanda found herself soothed by his presence; she once for a very short moment wondered whether she should make a move, try to steer things in a certain direction, but something held her back. She realized that she did not feel the desire to kiss him or pull him physically closer; she just wanted to sit here with him, talk until he ended every sentence with a yawn, and feel like she wasn't trapped in a motel room like she'd been once before.
Finally, Nick announced that he was going to sleep; Amanda's anxiety levels spiked up when for a second she thought that he was basically kicking her out in the most polite way possible, but then he just tilted his head curiously and asked her if she still wanted to stay the night. The bed was spacious enough for two people as there weren't any single rooms in the motel although most of the student's rooms held bunk beds that looked even less comfortable but would certainly do for one night, and Nick rolled to the very end of his side of the bed to assure her that he had no ulterior motives; Amanda was touched by this unexpected bout of thoughtfulness that made her realize that he was not just some random good guy to take advantage of but a truly kindhearted person.
She wordlessly got up to turn off the light and then returned to the empty side of the bed, slowly settling down in a more comfortable position, on her side, her front to the male teacher's back, pulling the covers up to her shoulders. They lay in a not uncomfortable silence for a few minutes.
"Nick?", Amanda whispered finally not sure whether he might already have fallen asleep.
"Huh?", the man replied in a throaty voice, not quite yet in the realm of sleep but close to it.
She reached for the tablet that they had moved to the nightstand on her side of the bed just a couple of minutes ago but then hovered over it, hand in the air, not wanting to break his trust.
"I don't mind you falling asleep, but would you let me use your tablet, maybe?", she phrased her request.
"Shouldn't you be getting some rest too?", Nick replied sleepily.
"I won't be able to fall asleep", Amanda confessed, "well, at least not until the early morning hours, probably – but it's okay, I can also get my book and maybe try to read..."
"I don't like nightlights", Nick mumbled, "you can take the tablet – password's zara2miamor, all lower case... got it?"
Amanda finally retrieved the tablet from the nightstand and entered the password. The wallpaper photo was one of Nick presumably celebrating a birthday with his daughter, at least the goofy party hats they were both wearing and the enormous cake with an almost obscene amount of frosting and sprinkles scattered atop it strongly hinted at it being a festive matter.
"She's cute", Amanda said softly, "she reminds me a little of Noah, he's such a sweet kid..."
"You've met Noah?" Nick's question suddenly made her aware of the fact that she had never really told him about spending time with Olivia outside of school. Okay, it had only happened a few times; and had so much really happened? Well, she had stayed the night one time; but on the other hand, here she was, having some kind of sleepover in Amaro's room so what did any of it even mean?
"Oh, yeah", she said, weighing her words. "I... met Olivia in the park."
"Liv's a great mum", Nick's muffled voice stated while he turned on his stomach so that his mouth was pressed into his pillow and made understanding him a little harder. "I wish I could be half the parent she is."
"You're a good father, Nick", Amanda said and found, as she spoke the words, that she meant them. The way Amaro had spoken about his children tonight was more than enough proof of how important they were to him. Amanda was absolutely sure that he'd run over red-hot coals to save them from danger.
"'tanks, Aman'a", he replied, but his voice now suggested that he was almost off to the territory of sleep. She envied him a little but did not feel any resentfulness towards him. Basically, she was glad that he did not appear haunted by demons or anything like that crap. At least one of them would get a good night's rest. She fished for the earbuds in the dark and located them without much difficulty; he was still logged into his Netflix account where he'd started the documentary on "modern parenting" that promised to focus on "building a strong, healthy relationship with your child" and "lovingly accompany" it on its own path.
Amanda wasn't in the mood for watching parenting advice although she involuntarily had to think of Noah, this perfect little being that would one day be a real person with adult problems and adult opinions. It was weird to imagine him growing up and navigating that world. Amanda found herself wishing to stop time for him, just so that he'd get to enjoy childhood for a while longer.
She searched her way through Netflix and finally started a comedy program that wasn't particularly funny but she watched it to the end anyway and afterwards chose Breaking Bad, one of her comfort shows, and the well-known dialogue from the first two episodes finally let her drift into a very light sleep – in the wee hours, as she'd predicted.
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Olivia Benson had a very unspectacular Thursday evening. Well, it wasn't exactly unspectacular, calling it that wouldn't do justice to Noah who made every single one of her days a little miracle. Sometimes she could not believe that she truly got to watch him explore the world and develop, it was just too wondrous an experience.
She had left school early today so she could take Noah to the early music education course she'd selected for the both of them; it was all very playful and age-appropriate, it wasn't about raising little Mozarts and Beethovens; it was mainly some singing and clapping and making noise with instruments like rattles or xylophones, a round of socializing for the parents and getting their young kids to interact a little with each other. Olivia was painfully aware of Noah's shyness towards other children; he had not had much exposure to them in his first months of life and she was intent on creating regular opportunities for him. The lesson had been a success, Noah taking in everything wide-eyed but seeming quite bubbly and content with all the laughter and singing and noise-making going on.
In the evening, he'd gotten a little agitated, not wanting her to leave his side; and so she didn't, instead carrying him to her bedroom and gently putting him down on her bed, assuring him quietly that he didn't have to sleep alone tonight if he didn't feel like it. She knew quite a lot about developmental stages in children from her education; the career path she had chosen involved quite a lot of pedagogic although the kids she taught were considerably older than Noah. However, she'd also read up on stuff in modern parenting books and even online (to her own chagrin, she had even joined a parenting forum once!) and she was a strong supporter of the theory that kids should not be denied physical contact and cuddles when they requested them. Her mother had often been somewhat stiff and seemed frequently to be rather untouchable to Olivia while she'd grown up and today, she was able to acknowledge how much she'd sometimes just craved a simple hug from her mother. Of course, Olivia had also identified the main reason for her mother's frequent aloofness with her: even though she loved Olivia, the child had also always reminded her of the worst encounter of her life, the evening her rapist had forced himself upon her and impregnated her; Olivia had found out as a pre-teen when she had been obsessed with her roots and constantly pestered her mother with question about her father's identity.
Olivia sighed heavily and then focused on Noah who was so peacefully lying next to her on the bed. She gently brushed an unruly strand of wavy dark hair from his face and snuggled closer to him; gosh he was so tiny and immaculate it almost brought her to tears.
When he finally was soundly asleep, Olivia stretched out her hand very quietly so as not to rouse him for her cellphone on the bedside table. Out of habit, she checked her work email once again; it was something she did almost daily since becoming the Hudson High's principal; she felt that it was her duty to react as quickly as possible in pressing matters; she did not want to cause anyone sleepless nights if it could be helped. She logged out of the account and then, without giving it conscious thought, she opened up the text messages she'd so far exchanged with Amanda; granted, there weren't many but she still reread them with a wistful smile on her face. Amanda. Liv's hand almost as if on its own volition gingerly touched the cheek where Amanda had so daintily placed her lips; it had been like a soft breeze, the shortest and most innocent caress possible, yet Olivia still found her hand linger on her cheek in all kinds of situations; and then there also had been the hug, well, half-hug, tentative yet undeniably real, and it was all quite puzzling in an exhilarating, invigorating way.
Olivia Benson had her flaws, as all people did. However, she was quite attuned to her own feelings, it was partly a conscious effort so she could do better and be more understanding and patient with herself; but partly it also came naturally to her, or maybe, as she'd once suggested to Lindstrom, it had to do with her upbringing, with all the books she had read at a fairly young age, that had made her aware of the fascinating complexities of the human mind and turned her into somebody who thought and felt deeply. At times, it seemed a curse, at other times though, it turned out to be a blessing. And now? Well, currently Liv was at a loss at how to proceed. It wasn't exactly like Amanda had so far given her anything concrete or tangible; nevertheless Olivia was rather convinced that there was something between them, something that could very well be read as flirting, as greatly enjoying the other's company in a more than strictly platonic sense of friendship, but then her thoughts drifted back to this morning which was a good example about the mixed messages Amanda seemed to send. She had been somewhat distant this morning; but it could have all sorts of reasons, her insomnia, the upcoming job fair trip, maybe she also simply didn't wish to be seen talking to the principal in something that could be interpreted as anything else than purely professional.
Liv's heart sank painfully at this idea, because, after all, she was Hudson High's principal and that wasn't going to change any time soon. There was also another layer to this whole principal-teacher thing, because yes they were two adult women who lived independent lives but there was a power dynamic to be taken into consideration, too.
"What do I want?", Olivia mumbled quietly and threw her cellphone at the foot-end of her bed. If she was being utterly, completely, recklessly honest with herself, she wanted to take Amanda in her arms and hug her properly; she wanted to hear her talk about her favorite novellas, she wanted to prepare meals for her and watch her interact with Noah, but it wasn't the whole truth. Truth was, she wanted more. She wanted to touch Amanda, let her hands roam over her body, she wanted to kiss her, wanted to learn her like an incredibly complex poem, finding new nuances every time she did so, and if she was being even more honest with herself (her eyes fluttering shut now, her head sinking back onto her pillow), she also very much wanted to be touched by Amanda, not just fleetingly and haltingly, but (she blushed furiously when she allowed herself to entertain that thought) passionately, sensuously.
She needed to talk about this with somebody, probably Lindstrom. She couldn't just spring her feelings on the younger woman and expect her to happily fulfill her most personal fantasies; she needed to tread carefully, because Amanda sure as hell deserved transparency, deserved someone who wasn't just viewing her as a conquest or an option to – well, it had been a long time since Olivia had last been with a woman as she'd truthfully shared with Amanda but now that Olivia had gotten to know the petite teacher, that side of her that had not really stirred for a few years now was wide awake and craving for attention. Olivia reminded herself that it was okay to feel the way she was feeling. It would not mean that she would have to do anything about it. It was way too early to make a move and regarding the nature of their professional relationship, she was also hyper-aware of the fact that every approach would be a balancing act and thus, she really had to wait and see if Amanda showed any definite romantic interest in her. Everything else was just speculation. Being rather proficient at reading people, though, Liv truly hoped that she wasn't imagining things; that Amanda viewed her as something more than just "somebody from work" or, even worse, her superior although it was technically true.
She decided that she would just continue to be Amanda's friend; and not with any ulterior motive to seduce her. God, she'd never allow herself to be that two-faced and she definitely would not do anything that the younger woman could potentially feel uncomfortable with. To Liv, Amanda was an intriguing young woman with a wonderful personality; she admired her sharp mind and her dedication to her job, and she felt mature and in tune with herself enough to be able to handle a crush and keep her feelings to herself if nothing further was ever going to transpire between them.
Olivia nestled closer to Noah's peacefully sleeping tiny form and she took in his addictive toddler-scent with a light smile. Yes, she would allow herself to look forward to her Thanksgiving meal with Amanda. And if Amanda was going to change her mind last-minute or their out-of-work acquaintanceship was going to taper off at some point, she'd also respect that. The tiny sliver of hope she nursed regardless, though, was what finally made her doze off into a deep and restful sleep.