Sadie's POV

Never again. Never trust. We first, always.

Those were MY words, painted across Terminus's walls from the moment we began trying to recover from that first attack.

We first, ALWAYS.

That meant nobody and nothing was worth the risk of losing what little we had left….and yet Theresa had paid the ultimate price for bending that.

So, why do I still feel so goddamned inclined to keep going with this?

Do I really still feel so in debt to Maggie, and Glenn too, for being stupid enough to vouch for us to stay under their roof while I was pregnant and we needed to find a more permanent shelter? …...Or was this just one more thing that their goddamned ringleader was responsible for.

Had I not known what it was like to see the man I love more than anything in this world down on his knees, at somebody else's mercy, and see our entire life together flash before my eyes….and had I not sympathized with a woman who hadn't been lucky enough to escape from the nightmare that I had, would I still feel so goddamned inclined to finish what we started…...and would Theresa's life have been worth it?

Hell, maybe it didn't matter. Maybe none of it did.

Alexandria wasn't the only community under The Saviors' thumbs and neither was The Hilltop, nor was the goddamned Kingdom…..and they have a fucking tiger, at that.

I'm fucking fooling myself if, even for a second, I tell myself that those fuckheads wouldn't eventually end up on our doorstep…...even if we hadn't been stupid enough to break the never trust rule with Aaron and Eric in the first place…..and maybe Gareth wouldn't have gotten so lucky, if it came to that.

…..Or maybe that was just what I had to tell myself to justify it all, to keep from going fucking insane.

All I know for damned sure is that I'm here…...I'm here, and she's NOT

"...She's not…" I choked out between sobs, as I sat alone, in the woods just outside The Hilltop.

The lighter, which I had once upon a time given to her, shook in my trembling hand as I struggled to bring myself to light a cigarette with it…..the only thing I have left of her now.

I'd finally come close to it when I heard the soft treading of footsteps, slowly approaching closer from behind me.

I snapped out of it, with the exception of some tears still escaping down my face, and quickly drew my crossbow on it.

I lowered it, however, when I saw that the assumed threat was Maggie.

She carefully lowered her hands, which she had put up, when I did.

I just sighed and quietly turned back to sit myself back down, in front of the tree I had been previously sobbing by.

"Gareth said I might find you out here…" She finally said.

I nodded, but didn't look at her yet. "He send you after me?"

"Nope."

I wasn't prepared to believe her, but the sympathetic tone in her voice made her answer sound genuine.

"So, what did you want then?" I asked, a little more abruptly than I'd intended.

"...to apologize." She answered gently. "...and to offer my condolences. I know that you and T were close."

"Theresa…." I corrected, hoping I hadn't said it too harshly. I know she wouldn't have known. "...I got to call her T."

"Theresa…" She repeated. "...sorry."

I nodded, turning my head to look up at her. "...you can sit."

She appeared to hesitate at first, but eventually took the spot right beside me.

I wiped another tear from my eye. "So, uhh….what do you think there is to apologize for?"

"...the night that Negan and The Saviors attacked Alexandria….." She began to explain. "I was driving up in a car, with some of the others…..one of whom didn't make it back because one of his shot him. They had a big enough box with 'em, so I asked for it. I told him it was so we could take it back to bury that boy in it…..then I let him turn in it and sent it to Negan to make him mad…..so I….so I could lure him here and make sure that my husband's grave was the last thing he saw…..and I'm sorry you had to pay the price for it…..after all that you've done."

I had half a mind to tell her how I envied that she had thought to even do something like that at all, let alone before I did.

"You didn't lure him here." I told her instead, thinking better of it. "He wasn't even with them."

"How do you- ?" She started to ask.

"I saw him out there." I explained. "I went out there with Theresa, got him by himself so that I could go after him. One on one…..I tried to kill him. I didn't…...but I tried. If anything, I probably made 'em madder…..especially if they think I succeeded."

"So then, it's both of our faults." She sort of chuckled.

"Either that, or it's none of ours." I chuckled, only half humorlessly. "One of the two."

She appeared to be watching, as I started to fidget with the lighter some more.

"...Was that hers?" She finally asked, changing the subject.

"It was." I answered. "I gave it to her, way back at the start, when we first reconnected at Terminus…..back before it was...well, anything. She told us about the place."

She half smiled. "So, you knew her before then."

"Shit, I knew her before Gareth, even." I added. "...and I met him back in high school."

"That's a long time."

"Yeah…." I sighed. "...but that's a story for another time."

She smiled again, sympathetically. "I understand."

I nodded. "...That girl was my sister, if I ever had one…...not by blood, but….you know."

"Yeah, I do." She said. "...look, I can go if you want...if you'd rather be alone out here, if you…."

"If I….what?" I asked when she didn't finish.

"If you want me to..fuck off, as you put it back when- "

"Back when you were at Glenn's grave and I said that's what I'd want?" I chuckled softly.

"Yeah."

"You want the truth?" I asked with a little bit of a scoff.

"You can tell me." She insisted.

"...honestly….." I scoffed again. "I wanna know why you didn't….and why you're still being so nice to me….."

"I told you to stay, because I meant what I did say at my husband's grave." She explained. "...because he'd want you to…..just like he did back at Gabriel's church."

I nodded. "...a lot has happened between Gabriel's church and here, Mags."

She looked at me, more amused now, at the use of the nickname.

She shook her head to herself. "...even still…...that's...that's the kind of person he was."

"I see, so he's got a history of trusting cannibals then." I joked.

"Of saving people." She corrected, clearly trying not to show any amusement. "...even people like you."

"Even people you should hate." I chuckled.

"I don't hate you, Sadie." She said.

"Well, you're definitely the minority on that." I chuckled. "...but, thank you."

"I mean it." She insisted. "...I can see that you're trying…..you wouldn't have given any of us another chance if you weren't."

"Nor would I have even considered what I've been thinking, since you didn't tell me to fuck off."

"And what would that be?"

I smiled back at her, genuinely this time. "...that maybe there's just a little more room in we first always than just our little group."

She smiled back at me. "I'd like that."

"Good." I gave her a little smirk. "...cause right now, you're kind of stuck with us."

She chuckled at that. "I think I can live with that."