What Really Happened

Leonardo

By Wildfire

I sat with his legs crossed a frown was smacked over my face. I'd been trying to meditate but all I could think about was my brother. At first I had wondered what it must have felt like but now I find my thoughts stuck on how I had never noticed. It had happened over a year ago! For a year my brother had been dealing with constant torment. Daily nightmares. Afraid of even my touch. And I had never even noticed. I had failed him, as his leader but more importantly I had failed him as his brother. What's worse is I had no idea how to fix this and it seemed I was making it worse! When I see him I don't know what to say, I can't seem to even form words.

The other day was horrible Mike and I were playing one of his retarded games we were slapping hands and clapping saying some retarded rhyme. I don't know how he talked me into doing it but I guess I wanted a moment of playfulness in such a serious mood. Raph had come out, Mike had thought it was Don and spun around to slap hands with him. He just froze when he saw it was Raph. What was worse was Raph just stared at him, he looked to me to figure out what was going on and I was just as petrified as Mike. Raph stood there with his lips pursed with Mike standing a foot away arm raised, frozen with me in the back ground mouth gapping. I have no idea how long I sat there and they stood until Raph finally let out a scream. Yelling that this was the very reason he had never told us. He locked himself into his room and I haven't seen him since.

I find myself trying to meditate again, trying to think of what Master Splinter would have done. I find I'm getting slightly mad at Raph for not saying this when he was still alive! I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to act around him. I mean he's been through so much as it is what if I say or do something wrong?

I also find myself staying up at night sitting in the kitchen where I can hear his room. At first I did it so I could come help him if he was having a nightmare but… it's been almost two weeks since he told us and I hear him have a nightmare every night.

I CAN'T GO IN THERE!

I stood up and exit my room, if I had hair I'm sure I'd be pulling it out. This wasn't suppose to happen to us. We're mutant turtles! Who would rape us!? Why would they… how could they be so dishonorable? Shredder should have more honor than that! I wish he was alive so I could kill him! I want to kill him SLOWLY.

I force myself to take a deep breath. I've never had this much anger in me. I just can't understand it! To my brother! WHY HIM!? He never asked for it! He was so strong, so proud and they just stomped it down. Like he didn't even matter! Well he mattered! He mattered a lot.

God how had he gone through this torment for a year, alone? Just knowing about it was killing me.

"Hey."

I turn to smile at my brother, Donny, since he had found out he had practically locked himself in his room looking up rape victims. "Hey." I repeated back to him.

"How are you holding up?"

Leave it to Donny to worry about me when it's Raph that needs the worry. "I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to act around him any more. What if we get in an argument? What if I say something wrong and hurt him all over again?"

Donny shrugged "I doubt anything you say could hurt him as much as he's already been hurt."

Wow that was just not at all comforting.

"What I mean is, I think the best thing for him is to have things be normal and when he needs us, than we'll be here."

"Is that what your research says?"

"No, research said therapy and support. But first off we can't do therapy and if we tried to force our support on Raph he'd completely pull away. He didn't tell us for over a year.. Obviously he didn't want things to change. I think we should honor that."

I found myself nodding as I sit down. There was that word again. Honor. He deserved so much more honor than what had been placed on him. So couldn't I at least honor his request for normalcy. But how in the world can I be normal to him? I can't even stand to look at him, every time I do I feel like my gut has just disappeared.

How could I be so selfish? My brother needed me and I was avoiding him. How low could I be? I didn't deserve to be his leader let alone his brother.

"Don't make this about yourself Leo. This is about Raphael. Not you." Donny patted my shoulder as he walked away.

Danm it he was right. He was always right, how he knew what I had been thinking I don't know. My eyes move to Raph's door. He was hiding in there still. I should talk to him. But me going to talk to him wouldn't be normal so maybe I shouldn't. OK now I was just making excuses up. I could recognize that, I can see that in myself.

I closed my eyes, recognizing it didn't change anything. I still needed to talk to him. I feel myself letting out another sigh. This really shouldn't be THAT hard. I've talked to him before. We've talked about serious things before…

Danm this was a whole nother level though! We're giant turtles! I had excepted the fact that we'd all die virgins! And now I had to talk to my brother about not only having sex but being forced to have sex. I didn't know anything about it! How could I talk and make him feel better when I didn't know anything about it?

It didn't matter this was my responsibility I had to do this.

God please don't let me screw this up. Please please don't let me mess this up. I knocked on his door, softly. If he was sleeping-

"What?"

So much for the sleeping hope. "It's me, can I come in?"

There was no response for a while I was about to have the hope that he'd ignore me when he responded

"Yeah"

I swallowed hard and slide open the door. "Hey" I said he was sitting at his desk back turned to me. My eyes move down his shell looking at where they had-

"What do you want?"

Deep breath, I can do this. "Can we talk?"

I see him smile slightly, as he swivels his chair to look at me. "'Bout what?"

As if he didn't know! The arrogant… NO I'm here to help not fight. "About how I've been treating you. How we all have."

"Ahh you mean the avoiding and the constant pity looks?"

"Yeah that, look Raph it's not that-"

"It's not that you don't want to be around me, you just don't know what to say to me. It's alright I get it."

My eyes widen as he spoke the words I was about to say. But coming from his mouth it sounded… bad. I sigh, this was defiantly not how I wanted him feeling. "No.. yes. But no! Look Raph I never thought-"

"That I'd let this happen. You know what me neither"

"STOP INTERUPTING ME YOU ASS AND LISTEN!"

He threw some bike peace against his wall "NO YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU AROGENT ASS! I DO NOT NEED YOUR FUCKING PITTY!"

"WHO SAID I WAS GIVING IT TO YOU!? WHO SAID YOU DESERVED MY… PITY! YOUR NOT EXCALLY MAKING THIS EASY ON US YOU KNOW!"

"OHH YES THAT'S EXCALLY WHY I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS SO THAT IT COULD BE EASY ON YOU!"

"STOP YELLING!"

"YOU FIRST FEARLESS!"

"YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!" We both stopped at that and blinked. Even I wasn't sure why I yelled it. It didn't fit into the conversation at all but… it was what I had wanted to say. "You didn't deserve this…" I repeated. "You didn't." I swallowed the hard lump in my throat again. "What- What they did, it was disrespectful and completely lacked honor." I sat down on his hammock with a sigh. "I'm avoiding you not because I pity you but because every time I see you I get so angry! I can't stand it. I can't stand that they did this… when you didn't deserve it. And I HATE that you went through it all alone. You spent a year alone, and scared."

"I wasn't scared!" He snapped "I fought! I fought them! I fought Shredder! I stood strong! I didn't NEED to tell you!"

I suddenly found my arms wrapped tightly around him. "I know, I know. But help us here, help us so you can stop fighting them." He was stiff in my arms but he was gripping my arms tight enough that I knew he didn't want me to pull away. "He tried to break you because he knew you were to strong for him. He thought he could break you. But he was wrong all he did was make you stronger. Your stronger now than any of us could ever be. You've seen the worst kind of evil and you stood up to it and told it no. I couldn't have done it Raph. I would have just lost it. I would have never been able to face them again, let alone fight them!" He was crying on me now, I kept talking. "It's ok to hurt, it's ok to grieve for what you lost. You've lost something that can never be given back, if you didn't grieve for it, I'd be very worried."

"I want it back" It was muffled into my throat but I could understand him. "I want it back! I use to day dream about having sex but now… I just want it back"

He continued to cry on me as I held him. It was so weird, almost surreal the toughest, strongest guy I know… was crying on me. And danm it he had a right too!

I sat back down on the hammock pulling him down with me. I wasn't sure if I should try and sooth him or if I should just let him be. I settled for stroking his head, much like Splinter had done.

I'm really not sure how long we sat there, and it really didn't matter I would have sat there for years if that's what he had needed.

As he calmed down and the room grew quiet we still sat there. After a while it came to my realization that he had fallen asleep. It was alright with me, I kinda liked it truth be told. I loved when my brothers were close to me like this and it was very rare that it was Raph. I hated that it was under these circumstances but either way I liked having Raph there with me.

I found myself sighing yet again. I desperately wished I could seek the guidance of my mentor. I wondered if he had known? It would have been odd for him not to have known. He knew everything, every time we had done something wrong. Every time we had disobeyed. We never got away with anything. How could Splinter have let them get away with what had happened to Raph? Why hadn't he done something! He could have fixed this! He certainly could have done a better job than I was doing now! Why would he leave this on me?

Donny's words echoed in my head again, it's not about me. Why did I keep bringing it back to me. Nothing about what happened thus far had anything to do with me… or Donny or Mike. It was all about Raph.

Raphael…

Was that my problem? All our problems usually dealt with at least two of us but this was just Raphael. And we were no where involved in it. It wasn't a worry if it would happened to Donny or Mike as the ones responsible were either dead or were regular animals now. There was no fear for my other brothers in this aspect. It was just Raph.

I felt the desire to sigh again but hold it back, this much sighing could not be good for me but in the end I ended up sighing yet again. I bet Donny could give me some long reason as to why I kept sighing but honestly I just really didn't care that much anymore. In fact right now my main concern was the brother that was in my arms.

Raph seized up in my arms, I looked down as his body started shaking. My eyes widen was he convulsing? Was it a seizure? I heard a whimper leave his lips. No… he wasn't having a seizure he was having a nightmare. This is what he went through? This is what happened every night when I'd hear him bolt up with a cry? And I couldn't even come in?

I was a chicken. And selfish. I didn't want to see my brother in pain so I made up excuses so I didn't have too. I left him alone to face his pain because I wanted ignorance.

I pull Raph gently closer and started easy rocking motions. "Shhh, I won't let anyone hurt you like that again Raph. No one will ever let this happen again. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. And I'm sorry I never realized what you were going through. If I have too I'll kill the whole world to keep you safe. I promise this will never happen again." I find that I'm talking much like I would to a scared child, or Mikey.

Raph had stilled again though he was breathing hard. He was awake. "Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you crying?"

I blink and sure enough I was, I didn't even realize I had been. "I dono.." I know it sounded silly but I honestly didn't know why I was crying.

He excepted it though and didn't ask anything else, we stayed in silence. Even though we butted heads constantly and I wanted to kill him at times he was still my arrogant ass whole little brother. And I'd do anything for any of my little brothers.

"Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Would.. You mind if I slept in your room for a while?"

I had to remind myself I was talking to Raph. He sounded just like Mike there. But when Mike wanted to sleep with someone it was cause he had watched a horror movie and thought something was out to get him. This… was so much different.

"You can sleep in my room as long as you want. I'd be honored for you to sleep in my room"

"Leo?"

"Yes?"

"Drop the honor shit"

I couldn't help but chuckle "Never." I smile and laugh.

Raph laughed as well and slowly sat up moving out of my arms. I could tell by just looking at him he had been crying and biting his lip. I frown at the swollen lip. "You need to stop biting that lip."

"I don't do it on purpose, I do it in my dreams."

I nod again. That was going to stop. I may have been avoiding it before but now it was all stopping. I'd get the loud mouthed ass whole back if my life depended on it. I'd never admit it but I worried about Raph the most, sometimes I wondered if I was closest to him. I mean as far as interaction went I defiantly interacted with Raph the most. Course most of it was yelling but… that was just our relationship and in some odd way I appreciated it that way. I liked our arguments it was our very odd way of showing we cared. And even if we had a screaming match right now I know that tonight there'd be no question in either of our minds where he'd be sleeping still. We had each other's backs and we always would. Just for the simple fact that we were brothers and no one could ever break that.