Thanks for the reviews. It really warms my poor, pathetic little heart to see them.
Love, your dysfunctional author
How We Spent Our Vacation
The van's interior soured almost immediately. The man smelled like unwashed socks thrown in mud, over rotten breath and sweat. Dirt seemed to fly off him with every breath. The air around him had a greenish quality to it.
"Sparky here ever heard of a bath?" Raph asked as he held his nose.
"You're one to talk." Mikey said.
Raph grinned."That's a man's scent."
Mikey made a face."Yeah, a stinky one."
"Sir, I believe I should inform you that you have lice."
"Don, you probably shouldn't touch him."
Don frowned at Leo like he was a moron. "I wasn't going to touch him. I was just observing. His lice seem to have lice itself."
"Yeah, best leave that alone." Leo leaned over to his sensei. "Master Splinter, do you really think this is a good idea?"
Splinter turned to his eldest, his eyes reproachful. "My son, what have I taught you about the ways of honor? It would not do well to leave this gentleman stranded when we have caused him so much distress."
The man clicked his tongue and mumbled something to the insides of his coat.
Leo gestured, unconvinced. "Yeah, I don't think we caused that."
Splinter shook his head. "You still have much to learn, my son."
Leo nodded but still looked cautious.
"So," Mikey prodded the man. "Ya got any hobbies there, Gary. Can I call you that? I've always wanted a friend named Gary."
The man grunted something that might have been yes.
"You don't talk much, do ya Gary?" Mikey asked.
Gary blinked, but didn't respond.
"So-uh Gary, can we take ya anywhere specific? Somewhere close, hopefully?" Case asked.
He unsurprisingly, received no answer.
It was awkwardly silent for a few minuets. Case switched on the radio to help fill the quiet. April looked over and raised a brow. He shrugged. "Seems like a good time for some tunes." He peered in the back with the rear view mirror. "Right guys?'
Don coughed, but otherwise it was quiet.
"Right." Case answered himself with a nod.
"Perhaps our new friend Gary would enjoy starting a new conversation, something we can all participate in, hmm." Splinter suggested.
"Master Splinter I don't think he's-" Leo started.
Splinter cut him off. "Michelangelo, why don't you start us on a new topic?"
Mikey looked thoughtful. Whatever his answer was, Raph didn't want to hear it. "Come on Master Splinter, look how well the last conversation Mikey started went." He argued.
Splinter peered at him. " Very well, perhaps you would like to start us off then, Raphael."
Don muttered a here we go, just as Raph's eyes darkened like an oncoming storm. "Fine ya want a conversation starter? How's this? How about we 'discuss' the reason that Leo was chosen as the leader and not me."
There was multiple groans. This was an old subject that Raph brought up far too often.
Raph snorted. "Fine, no good? How about why Leo gets to be oldest, huh? Have we done testing on this? Has this been proven? I don't think so."
Don raised a finger. "Actually, I have done some-"
Raph continued. "And while we're on the subject how come he gets to wear the color blue, huh? Nobody ever bothered to ask what color I wanted. Maybe I wanted to be blue-"
Mikey snorted "Blue would so clash with your skin tone-"
"-maybe I hate the color red." Raph finished.
Splinter blinked. "Well my son, I don't think that's quite the kind of conversations we're looking for. Donatello, would you like to-"
"No way." Mikey said before Don could even open his mouth. "We don't understand what he says half of the time as it is."
Don looked admonished. 'You're the one who asked me about the sun being made out of cheese."
Mikey nodded gravely. "And look where that got me."
Don gave an exasperated groan. "I said I was sorry."
"I've got a conversation starter." April proclaimed as she turned in her seat. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
Case laughed "Babe, isn't that a little-"
"April don't be silly, everyone knows the answer to that. It's-" Mikey stopped. He scratched his head. "Well I think it's-forty, no ten, five?"
"Let's find out." She suggested, pulling one from seemingly out of nowhere.
Raph made a face."Where did you get that?"
"Who cares?" Mikey pushed Raph out of the way to snatch the candy from April's hand. "Gimme."
Raph pushed him back. "Maybe I wanted to test it, ya mooch."
Gary surprised them both by stealing it from Mikey and plopping it in his mouth. The two turtles looked at him.
"Jeez Gary, you could have asked." Mikey said, crossing his arms. "Now we'll never know."
April pursed her lips. Her plan hadn't worked quite as well as she'd hoped. "I'm sure Gary will tell us the answer, won't you Gary?"
She got a half eye shudder in return, followed by a belch. She smiled tightly. "Let's just hope that means yes."
While the others argued over whether Gary would actually tell them how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, Leo focused in on the radio. The music had paused for a special news bulletin. The reception was bad so he only caught bits of what the announcer was saying.
Warning...Is an escaped convict...Subject is armed and dangerous... Escaped from the...Mental Asylum...Suspect is a male...Tall...Wearing a coat...Long hair...Be on the look out...Murderer...Do not approach...Highly dangerous...
Leo listened as well as he could. He took mental notes and compared them to 'Gary'. Tall-check, wearing a coat-check, long hair-check, unfortunately there was nothing about being unclean, but that would be a double check. Mikey had hit it on the nail, Gary was an escaped, mentally deranged murderer.
"Master Splinter we need to-" Leo stopped.
Splinter was giving a lesson on sharing and how it's impolite to take things from others without permission. Apparently Gary had taken Splinter's cane to chew on.
Mikey wailed over the fact that Gary had swallowed the Tootsie Pop whole. Raph added. "Hope the freak chokes."
Leo turned to Don. He poked him from his reading of the Diagnostic Dictionary.
"What?' He asked not looking up.
Leo leaned closer. "Mikey was right, Ga-this guy really is a murderer."
Don turned another page and sighed, "Of course he is."
"What do you mean, of course he is?" Leo demanded.
Don finally looked at him. "We picked him up in the middle of the road smashed to the front of the car. He hasn't washed in days and as I stated before has enough lice to infect a small country. He's got blood on his shoes and I'm pretty sure he's carrying a knife. Of course he's a murderer." He turned back to his book.
"Well-should we-do something about it?"
Don shrugged. "You're the leader," He said dully.
Leo floundered, this was true, but right now Splinter wasn't listening, Raph was too busy trying to choke Mikey who had unintentionally elbowed him in the face and Don was being pretty unhelpful, so what was he supposed to do?
He almost smacked himself. Of course.
He'd do what he always did. Take care of the problem himself.
He nodded. He would protect his family. All he needed was to find his katanas. He turned and rifled through the trunk. Where had he put them again?
Splinter managed to retrieve his cane with only a small chunk taken out of it. "Perhaps, Gary-san needs some more protein in his diet."
"Yeah and he ate my Tootsie Pop." Mikey grumbled again. "Now we'll never know the answer.'
Don groaned. "Oh for the love of...it's three, Mikey. The answer to how many licks it takes to get get to the center of a Tootsie Pop is three."
"And how would you know that?" Raph asked looking hostile. "Just cause you think you know everything-"
"He's right, actually." April affirmed.
Raph refused to believe that. "Of course he is. Hear that Don, your little girlfriend's sticking up for you, even though we all know your wrong."
Both Don and April looked awkwardly away. "She's not my girlfriend." Don mumbled, flushing. "And I'm not wrong."
There was a rustle from the back where Leo viciously threw things in his attempt to find his swords. Fishing for Dummies hit Raph in the head and a pair of underwear latched onto Gary's ear. April almost screamed when she saw them. They were hers. "Leonardo, what are you doing back there?" She demanded shrilly.
"Saving you pathetic lot. What else?" he mumbled to himself. "I'll show you all, once I find my weapons. Oh yes. And who'll be laughing then? Me, that's right."
"Leo's finally lost it." Raph observed as his brother continued to rant and rave, throwing odds and ends out of his way.
"Did he ever really have it?" Mikey asked.
Everyone shrugged, except for April. She watched her clothes collect all over the van in horror. "Leonardo, your swords are not in my pack!" she shouted.
"Can never be too sure." Leo responded.
"I'm pretty sure, I would know." April insisted.
Mikey grabbed at something that landed in front of him. He smiled when he saw what it was "Sweet." He held the bra in front of him for everyone to see.
"Wow this explains so much." Raph said with a snicker.
"You're just jealous that I get one and you do-" Mike stopped when April ripped the object from his hands. He grinned sheepishly. "Err-I mean-"
"Wow, is that new?" Case yelped at the can of mosquito spray chucked at him. He ducked to avoid another throw. "Alright, sorry."
Unfortunately it flew in the back and smacked Gary right between the eyes. He groaned, a bright red imprint that would be a bruise lit up his busted face.
"Oh great April, now he's got brain damage."
Gary rolled over onto Mikey who tried to push him away. The man weighed a ton though and after several attempts it was Raph who finally managed to get the man off of Mikey and ultimately him as well. Unfortunately the force was a bit too much and the door flew open, causing Gary to tumble out onto the street below. The sound of the body rolling could be heard for several seconds.
Nobody said anything for a moment.
"Should we...go get him?" Mikey asked.
Raph's expression turned somber. He reached over Mikey and slammed the car door shut shut. "Hell no, Case gun it." Eating the Tootsie Pop had written the man off as dead to them anyway.
Splinter had fallen asleep and snored from the back. Leo had finally found his swords only to realize the serial killer was no longer in the van. He was appalled to hear it was Raph who'd saved them, even if it was by accident.
Don retained his book reading with a nightlight in the darkened cabin. He coughed in Leo's general direction. "Nice going." he commented.
Leo grumbled and threw his swords away in annoyance. Raph looked smug, although he wasn't sure why. He liked Leo sulking over something he'd outdone him on. An unknown victory was still a victory in his eyes.
"It's been a long day." April ground out to her boyfriend. "Can we please rest for awhile."
"You want me to pull over? Now?" Case asked.
April gave a tired nod. The poor woman was exhausted. "You've been riding the line for the last few miles and I'm way too tired to drive, so yes."
"And don't hit anybody this time, ya knucklehead." Raph added.
"I miss Gary." Mikey sighed.
Short chapter, I know. Lots more fun in store next time...