Jeremiad

Disclaimer: I do not own Danny Phantom. Butch Hartman does. I would never dream of making money off his work, this is but one fanatic's homage. So please don't sic the rabid lawyer hordes upon me, there's not much for them to sue out of me.

Author's Note: I swear, if you get really emotional at sad movies and stuff, I strongly, STRONGLY recommend having kleenex handy. I had to keep walking away from the computer while writing this chapter to regain my composure because I kept getting teary-eyed and depressed. All aboard the angst-train! BOOOOHOOOOO!

Chapter 1: Blind Hate

"We get distracted by dreams of our own

But nobody's happy while feeling alone

And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall

We lean another ladder against the wrong wall "

-"Reasons Why"- Nickel Creek

I first heard about what happened at school the day after it happened. It was all everyone was talking about. First a minor explosion at the Nasty Burger from Phantom and some other ghost fighting. No one was seriously hurt in that blast, according to the rumor circuits in Casper High. But the day of the C.A.T. test, there was a second explosion. Someone had left the new sauce untended, and it had detonated, destroying the Nasty Burger.

The casualties? There were several. Danny Fenton was the only witness, and apparently the only survivor. His friends, Tucker Foley and Sam Manson? Dead. His parents and older sister? Dead. Mr. Lancer, who was there for reasons no one was sure of? Dead. The tragedy was all over the news, classes were canceled so students (and teachers) could talk to grief counselors and so on. I was shocked. It was so sudden- just the day before, I was exchanging barbed words with Sam. Looking back, it was obvious she and I were both jockeying for position- we both had feelings for Danny. Now, I wonder how things may have played out if that explosion never happened.

I saw poor Danny that day- he looked absolutely awful. His clothes were rumpled, I doubt he had changed his clothes since the disaster, given the soot smudges all over his shirt. His usually clear blue eyes were hazy and bloodshot, he probably hadn't slept a wink. To say he looked like death warmed over probably wouldn't be too much of a stretch, he was pale, his complexion downright ashen. He walked past me, to his locker, stance radiating intense grief. I caught up to him, full of sympathetic concern.

"Danny, you okay?" Okay, I knew it was a stupid question, but it's also a standard question.

He just turned those hazy blue eyes on me. "No." Was all he mumbled. Looking back, I realize that the depths of his grief were more than just the grief over the loss of a loved one. After all, his entire family, his two best friends... just gone. And he was there, he watched them die. When I later learned the entire story, I learned it was more than just grief weighing him down- there was guilt too. And shame.

"I know it's got to be hard, Danny." I stepped closer, giving my friend a tight hug, ignoring the stink of ash, sweat, and Nasty Sauce wafting from him. "If there's anything I can do, you just have to ask, okay?"

He went rigid in my embrace, as if struck by a sudden thought, then slowly slumped again. "Valerie-? Could you... um... would you meet me after school at the park?" His voice was raspy and so soft I had to strain to hear him even that close. "There's something... important, I need to tell you- I mean, show you... ur... well..."

I smiled sadly as he stumbled over his words. I was never as close to Sam or Tucker as he was, but the grief was shared, though I didn't feel it then as sharply as I do now. "I'll be there."

"Thanks, Val." He mumbled as I let him go. He excused himself, heading for the boys' bathroom. I don't know where he went after that, but knowing what I know now, I assume he probably went off somewhere alone.

I wasn't as upset as he was, I don't think. Not at first in any case. I suppose I forced myself to ignore my own feelings of grief- the Fentons were nice enough people, if eccentric, and despite their wariness, I had come to enjoy hanging around with Sam and Tucker when they were with Danny. I knew he'd lost basically everything, so I guess I put my own feelings to the side so I could try and help him. My feelings about what had happened couldn't hold a candle to his grief.

Needless to say, with several of the students so shaken by events, we were dismissed early, and I waited for Danny outside school for nearly a half hour before I decided he must have slipped off or left early. As I made my way to the park, I wondered what it was he wanted, no, needed to reveal to me. I finally spotted him sitting on the ground, leaning against one of the fountains in the park. He must have found time to clean up, as he was wearing a fresh t-shirt and pair of jeans, and his mop of black hair no longer had specks of ash in it. He glanced up as I arrived, his eyes no better than when I saw him at school earlier. If anything, those troubled blue eyes held a hollow, haunted look now, with a pinch of desperation thrown in for good measure.

"Sorry if you were waiting." I began to sit down next to him, but he stood up quickly. "What did you want to tell-"

"Follow me." He ordered, though the command was more of a plea as he started for a secluded area of the park, shrouded from the main walkways by several trees and bushes. Confused by his uncharacteristic behavior, I followed quickly.

We walked in uncomfortable silence until we were well away from the few people in the park, then he stopped and turned to face me. I was surprised by the sheer desperation in his eyes as he searched my face for something. After a long moment of his unsettling scrutiny, he finally spoke. "Val, before I tell you... you've gotta promise me you'll let me finish. Please, don't freak out on me, please..." His voice cracked then, his tone desperate, pleading with me, terrified at something I couldn't begin to fathom.

"Danny, calm down!" I grabbed him by the shoulders. "Relax. Whatever it is, I swear I won't freak out or anything. We're friends, right?"

I watched as he forced himself to relax, taking several rattling deep breaths, clearly fighting to regain and maintain some semblance of composure. Once he seemed to be mostly calmed back down, he stepped back from me, his posture, expression, everything tense, like he was on pins and needles. I could only wonder at what it was he had to reveal, if it had him so jittery.

"Okay." He began, taking a deep breath. "Y'know how my parents are...were-" His voice caught as he corrected himself, I saw the fresh round of tears shining in his troubled eyes. I stepped next to him and wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders as he paused then, struggling with the grief that was still so fresh.

"Danny... I'm sorry." I hugged him again. "It's okay to cry."

"You don't understand!" He cried out, pulling away suddenly, the sunlight now glinting off the fresh wet streaks down his face. "It was my fault! I couldn't-"

He was on the verge of a break down, I realized. I was about to say something when to my surprise, he forced himself back from the brink. I found myself gaping as he wiped his eyes, took several more deep breaths, and struggled to continue.

"They hunted ghosts." He stated simply. I nodded slightly- everyone knew about the Fentons and their ghost fixation. "You've seen the portal they built. But it... it didn't quite work at first. There was an accident-"

"An accident?" I knew about the portal, heck, I'd been on the other side of it in that freaky ghost world once or twice. I hadn't heard anything about an accident though. "What accident?"

He closed his eyes briefly, and I saw fresh tears slipping free. "They gave up on it. But Sam-" I heard his voice choke on the goth's name and knew then that he had cared dearly for her. "-she and Tucker talked me into taking a look inside it, to see if maybe we could make it work. So I put on one of the hazmat suits... safety first." His voice carried a bitter sarcasm in it. "And went in."

My concern grew. This accident had to do with him? What had happened? Why was he telling me this now?

"While I was poking around in it... I accidentally hit a button. I don't really remember what exactly happened." I caught that desperate tone in his voice again as his story neared its climax. "There was a bright light, and it hurt... I thought I was gonna die. I thought I had at first... Oh please, Valerie, don't hate me for this, please-"

He looked at me again, and for a second I swear his eyes were brilliant green. I thought I must have been seeing things, but I felt the first stirrings of confused fear as he took a few more steps back and stood, legs spread slightly, bent at the knees, his arms held at his sides, fists clenched- a fighting stance I would later realize.

"I'm going ghost!" He declared, his voice quavering.

I'm pretty sure my jaw must have broken the sound barrier as it fell open. I watched, stunned stupid as a pair of glowing white rings materialized around Danny's waist, one traveling down to his feet before vanishing, the other passing over his head in a similar fashion. I gaped, felt my insides freeze as where the strange rings passed, t-shirt and jeans were replaced by an all-too-familiar black jumpsuit, tennis shoes replaced by white boots, bare hands covered by matching gloves, black hair suddenly bleached shimmering white.

A thousand odd puzzle pieces, hundreds of strange coincidences, dozens of unexplained events slammed into place, a hazy picture suddenly, dizzyingly crystal clear. Why Danny always seemed to be around whenever I lost sight of the ghost-boy. Why the Fentons' ghost-detection equipment always 'malfunctioned' when he was around. Why the ghost-kid had always seemed so hesitant to fight me, always running away at the first opportunity. Why there were so many ghost attacks at school. Why Danny had been found at the scene of any number of baffling rule violations. Several thoughts raced through my mind in that instant as those intense, sad, terrified shining green eyes bored into mine.

He's the ghost-boy!

How is this possible!

It was Danny that trashed Axion Labs!

Why! WHY!

Danny is the ghost-kid!

The ghost-kid ruined my life-!

DANNY LIED TO ME!

It was with that thought shrieking in my mind that I pulled one of my ecto guns out of my backpack and pointed it at Danny, senseless anger my first reaction to the shock. "It was your fault! YOU did this!" I wasn't making sense, I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.

Valerie, this is wrong! It's Danny! Your friend! Don't do this! Some small rational part of my mind cried. I ignored that last chance to stop what I was doing, my own grief and shock fused into confusion and fueled by my long-standing and intense hatred for the ghost-boy I blamed for costing my dad his job and effectively ruining my social life. Such stupid, petty things to swear a bloody vendetta for, I realize now, but I was young and stupid and scared and confused then. Just a girl who didn't know what she was doing, didn't realize how she was being used.

I swear, if there was any one thing I could go back and change, my reaction to Danny's secret would be it. If I could go back in time, I would gladly beat my younger self over the head and scream at her until she came to her senses. Anything to undo the mistake I made then, that doomed us all and to this day kills me. No matter how hard I try, I will never forget the look on his face as I activated my battle suit and jet sled, the only sound between us for an instant the hum of my gun charging.

"Valerie-" He started to say, his voice tiny as he shrank away from me, the hurt clear in his voice, emerald eyes wide with terror.

"You LIED to me, ghost!" I shrieked, the shout punctuated by several wild shots, my aim horrible through tear-blurred eyes. "You ruined my life, you lied to me, you USED me!"

"Valerie, you promised-!" He cried out, dodging my haphazard barrage, no longer the wise-cracking, self-confident spook I had come to hate, but just a terrified, hurt, betrayed boy, who had gambled everything on his last chance and lost badly. I gave him no choice but to flee as I chased after him, firing, shouting wild accusations that were lost to the wind.

I was right on his tail and gaining rapidly on him when he simply vanished into thin air, an echo of a pained cry all that remained in the wake of my shouts, the sound of gunfire, and the roar of my sled's engines. I stopped short when I felt and saw several warm, moist droplets hit my visor from the force of my forward momentum as I had flown through the air he'd occupied just a second prior.

"Wha-?" I slowly began to regain my senses, reaching up to brush the drops away. I stared at the wet spots now on my glove, transfixed for several minutes as the realization slowly trickled into my conscious thought. Tears?

I looked up, looked around, now the only one in the sky, horribly alone. He... was crying? I stood there, shocked, body trembling from the emotional exhaustion, before sitting heavily on the unyielding metallic surface of my sled, staring at my quaking hand, at the teardrops that must have been torn from Danny's face by the wind as he was flying.

With a voice trembling, I finally gave sound to the terrible realization tearing through my mind.

"Oh God, what have I done? Danny! Wait!"

Only silence answered my desperate cry.