Dear Faithful Readers,

Okay, a little bit of depressiveness (and, yes, that is a word) in this chapter but I've got something good planned for the next one! It's a cute little scene I've had in my head for a while now and I can't wait to put it in!!!

Xx-Bex-xX

-

Chapter 12

"So Rikku," said Paine, as she headed to bed that night, "how many Respect Points do I have?"

"Well, let's see: that's minus five for pestering me…" said Rikku in a dead-on imitation of Paine.

"Please," said Paine, rolling her eyes, "I only asked because I knew you wouldn't really mind."

"True… You're on 89."

"Fair enough," said Paine, "what am I skipping out on?"

"Uhm… you make fun of me- a lot?"

"Again, true- but you make fun of me."

"Which is why I'm on –34, right?"

"Pretty much."

"But I'm not worried," said Rikku, smiling, "because I know you like me anyway- you can't trust me and you don't respect me… but you like me."

Paine nodded, "yeah. Of course."

"But, you know, that's why you and Baralai are so cute together," Rikku went on, perhaps unwisely, "you both care for each other so much… you'd trust him with pretty much anything right? I mean… he knows more about you than most people and you know he'd be devastated if anything happened to you."

"He'd be upset if something happened to any of us," Paine pointed out.

"Paine… don't you see him sometimes and just want to hold him? And to hear him telling you that he loves you? Don't you ever feel that being with him makes you… I don't know… complete?"

Paine gave her an odd look, "what?"

"It's how I feel about Gippal," said Rikku, blushing, "and how Yuna feels about Tidus and what you feel about Baralai."

"It's fanciful rubbish…"

"And when he kissed you," said Rikku, managing to catch Paine's eye, "a sort of electric heat?" she saw Paine's crimson eyes spark in recognition. "You were scared by it… why?"

"I'm just not that sort of person anymore," said Paine. "I've loved and lost… now I'm done with all that."

"You…?"

"Not exactly."

"Huh?"

"Okay, a very very long time ago I might have possibly had the tiniest little crush on Baralai," said Paine, rolling her eyes, "he went off to join the Crimson Squad and I followed him, as a warrior more than as a friend. We knew everything had to change… but they wouldn't let me join the Squad anyway- I was a girl, after all. I joined as a recorder instead and I pulled a few strings to lump myself with Baralai's group- on a probation of sorts. I don't know… maybe I hoped back then that… I just don't know…" Paine sighed a little. "We had our first mission, which involved a demon sword- think of Shuyin, it possessed people, kind of like that. If I did well enough, I'd be part of the team permanently. The demon sword? It's the one I use now. But back then, no one could control it. It took over Baralai during our fight and he ran into the ruins- trying to fight against it… trying to isolate himself from us… to… protect us. He yelled for us to stay away but I had to follow. Baralai struck me, not quite lethally… then I saw him struggling against the demon sword's control again… he cried out… and he stabbed himself in the chest."

"Paine…"

But Paine couldn't stop now. The words just kept coming. She knew she wouldn't rest now until every hidden torment was dragged to the surface.

"I was paralysed- losing blood quickly… all of a sudden I was on the ground without knowing how I'd gotten there… I didn't know where Nooj and Gippal were- all I could think was that Baralai was lying only a few feet away- bleeding like hell. There was a time when the blood pooling around us both grew so great that our bloods mingled… I feared the very worst and I swore that if both of us got out of there alive I'd pay more attention… I'd become a better warrior… I'd take my job as a recorder more seriously… all this I promised, and more… just if we could both get out alive…but… but most importantly, I vowed that I'd never let anyone come to mean so very much to mean again… I distanced myself from Baralai- from everyone. I was waiting there for what seemed like forever… I couldn't move… I could only think, and pray to a god that didn't exist… You have no idea about the pain… just lying there, knowing that he was beside me, suffering, dying, with no one to help him… In the end, I was allowed to stay with the Squad- Nooj and Gippal managed to convince the crusaders in charge that I had saved Baralai. The spheres had been conveniently destroyed… Everything turned out okay. It was a week or so before we could fight again, but we lived. Still, I did not forget my promise." Paine took a deep breath, "I was scared and desperate, Rikku. I didn't want to be in a position like that again. I still don't… and the dreams, Rikku…three years' worth of tortured dreams…"

Rikku hugged her friend silently, perhaps judging that that now was not the time for words. Paine sat perfectly still on the edge of her bed, eyes dry but sore and red, waiting for the ache in her chest to subside.

"I… I'm sorry, Paine," said Rikku eventually, "but you've got to believe it- no matter what bad things… welll… its worth it… trust me- being with Baralai would be worth all those memories and more! I know it!"

Paine just shook her head.

"Paine, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone," Rikku paused for a moment. "On Yuna's pilgrimage… there was a guardian, called Auron."

"The legendary guardian."

"Yeah, him," said Rikku, looking pained. "He was an unsent… it figures, right? My first love- an unsent," she gave a bitter laugh.

"You and Sir Auron?"

"He told me about him being an unsent before everyone else knew… but I couldn't help it- I loved him. And it only hurt more, denying it. Sure, he died… but what time we had together wasn't at all ill spent." Rikku smiled a little, "and now, almost three years later… I think I… think I love Gippal…" she blushed deeply. "But I will always remember Auron. I can't forget- don't want to forget… he was, and always will be, a part of me, you know? He's part of what made me who I am now- just like that demon sword is a part of you… and Baralai… Baralai's the best part. Enjoy it while you can, okay?"

"Rikku, it's late," said Paine, sphere-changing into her nightgown and turning her head away a little, "I'm tired… and Yuna's wedding's tomorrow. Go and recharge your pep or something."

A little put out, Rikku nodded, "okay," she said. "And, Paine?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you talked to me- and I'm sorry about what happened in the Crimson Squad."

"Plus thirty respect points, Rikku."

Rikku smiled softly and left, leaving Paine to yawn, roll over and spend the next eight hours awake and contemplating what she had said.

-

"Hey, Paine! Up and at 'em! Yunie's frantic! We're counting on you to be the mature one, okay?!" Rikku squealed, bounding into Paine's room, she seemed shocked when she saw that Paine was already awake. "Aww! Paine! You woke up early for Yunie's wedding! I'm so proud of you!"

Paine shrugged silently.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Paine just shook her head.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Paine gave her an odd look, then nodded, running a hand through her hair as she stood, "I'm fine."

"You sure?"

Paine grinned shakily, "it's Yuna's wedding day- we have to smile, right?"

"Right!" Rikku exclaimed, giggling. "You wanna come see the Sphere Screen Shinra set up on the beach for the reception?"

"It's ready?" said Paine.

"Uh-huh! Everything's good to go!" said Rikku, clapping her hands. "The wedding starts at three, then the reception at six until late."

"What time is it?"

"Uhm… when I left my room it was ten thirty, all ready."

Paine nodded, "what's first on the agenda?"

"Lulu needs us to babysit while she and Wakka help the people arriving on the island- you up for it?"

"Fine- but if he starts singing again I'm out."

Rikku rolled her eyes, "have we not already established that you are head over heels in love with Baralai?"

"No," said Paine, giving her a sharp look, "we have not. I said that I might have once had a tiny crush on him."

"Which in Paine-Speak means that you're passionately and violently in love and you're afraid of getting hurt again- typical soap opera, right?"

"Since when can anything I say be translated as 'passionately and violently in love'?" asked Paine, raising an eyebrow.

"Since forever," said Rikku, nudging her. "Don't forget our bet, will you?"

"Oh yes, because I'm really likely to just walk up to Baralai and kiss him," said Paine.

"Yeaaah," said Rikku and she flinched under Paine's glare. "Look, trust me, this'll be 200 gil you'll be glad to pay."

"Me? You mean you," said Paine, "I have more self-control than that."

Rikku didn't reply but her look said it all- you'll see. I swear, you'll see.