Chapter 11: Kokoro

The windows of the apartment hummed as a train on the Eizan Electric Railway passed by. Even double-glazed windows on their third-floor apartment could only dampen the noise so much. Maybe giving into Haruka's choice of apartment was a mistake. At the very least, it was quieter than most rail lines since they ran fewer carriages.

Storing away her futon in the cupboard and tidying her desk, Aoi was ready to head out for the day. Moving to a new apartment had created an opportunity to declutter her normally packed room. It was remarkable how much stuff a person could accumulate over only a few years. Although Aoi missed having her entire collection of books on display, there was a soothing simplicity in a room with just a single desk, chair, bookcase, and tatami mats.

Slipping out into the corridor, a quick glance confirmed that the door to Haruka's room was ajar. It was impossible to see if she was at her desk from this angle. The only thing visible was the vast expanse of white carpet and the foot of her bed frame. But after living nearly a month together, the door being open was a sign that Haruka was present in the house.

Her socks deadened her footsteps on the wooden flooring as Aoi made her way to the living room. Having to stealthily exit her own apartment on a quiet Sunday morning was a depressing state of affairs. Haruka was not so much arguing but whining in the hopes that Aoi would change her mind. Aoi knew she did not have the heart to simply brush Haruka aside with her force of will. The only option left was constant avoidance.

The advantage of having a roommate was that they could afford a relatively spacious apartment, at least for the standards of students. By any normal measure, this two-bedroom unit was on the smaller side. Nothing divided their kitchen or living room, turning it into one large general-purpose area. Neither bedroom could be considered the "master" one since they were nearly the same size. And perhaps the most contentious point of all was that there was only one toilet that connected to the hallway. With both of them used to having an ensuite bathroom, it was hard to break the habit of taking their time with things.

The click of the bathroom door latch made Aoi jump. She was only a few steps from their genkan, but there was no way she could leave before Haruka made it over.

"You're going out again?" Haruka said as she walked into the centre of the living room.

"Yeah…" Aoi turned to the dining table, sifting through the books and papers, pretending to look for something.

"Can't you just study here?" She gestured to their dining table.

Another train passed by their house. It was not ear-splitting or even forceful enough to rattle any fixtures. But it was still disruptive.

Haruka moved in closer. "It's not that bad. You don't really notice it after a while."

Aoi shook her head. "I prefer the Yoshida library. Sometimes I need to check the books there anyway."

"But…" Haruka bit her lower lip. "I barely see you."

"I can't," Aoi's voice was almost a whisper. "Not today."

"You always say that—"

"Why don't you go down to the band room? There's always someone there. Even on Sundays."

"That's not the point." Haruka puffed her cheeks as usual, but the heavy flush made it clear this went beyond just typical irritation. "I don't want to spend time with just anyone."

Her expression was guilt-inducing, forcing Aoi to look away. "I know you thought we would be spending more time together…."

"You keep saying another time. Aoi, it's been almost a month of that already."

Had she never gone out with Haruka in September? Aoi only recalled making a similar promise last week when she went to meet some of her other friends from Kyodai. Even telling her that Kanade was the daughter of Mrs Oe, whom they bought their kimonos from, did little to dampen her melancholy. There was passing each other around the house and sometimes having a quick meal in the living room. But even if Aoi considered that as spending time together, she was not brazen enough to say it to Haruka's face now.

"It's been busy preparing for the band festival and this term," Aoi said as she picked up her flats. "Could you just be a little more… independent? For a while?"

"Independent?" A flash of irritation overcame her despondence. "I have been taking care of things this whole time."

Aoi sighed. "You know what I meant."

Haruke sniffled. "You really want me to say it?"

Aoi's breath caught in her throat as she grasped for something to reply with. The desire to give in was overwhelming, almost suffocating. Studying here was not completely untenable. But it went against Aoi's hope to be less insular. As much as she cared about Haruka, so far, university had seen preciously few new faces in her life. While it was comfortable, it was also disturbingly stagnant. How could Haruka live like that?

"Haurka…" She made it awfully hard for Aoi to branch out.

"Fine," She turned on her heels, flicking her wrist at Aoi. "Fine, just go."

It was perfectly normal to crave affection and time with friends. But why did Haruka have to show it like this? It was both holding something back but being demanding all at the same time. Aoi's frustration finally overcame the pangs of guilt.

"I'm going to meet Kumiko. You know, the person you and Yoshikawa-san agree should be the next president. Instead of pestering me all the time, maybe you should also give her some advice."

A brief silence hung in the air, only broken by the ruffling of fabric as Aoi put on her flats.

"See you tonight." It was all Aoi could manage before she walked out the door.

The late morning sun washed over her as she stepped on to the exterior corridor. But even with the fresh autumn breeze, Aoi's heart did not become any lighter.

While staying near Demachiyanagi station had its obvious downsides in noise pollution, the variety of shops and cafes in the area somewhat made up for it. But in the end, it was just another factor that encouraged Aoi to be out of the house more often than not.

It was only a short walk across the river to the Demachi Matsugata shopping street where she was meeting Kumiko. It was a little inconsiderate having brunch so far from Uji, but with Kitauji out of the running of nationals, it was not as if Kumiko was pressed for time. Kumiko might even need the change of pace and final respite before she donned the mantle of leadership. To make up for dragging her so far north, Aoi let Kumiko pick where they would eat. While she was far from a trendy gourmet, it was hard to go wrong with so many cafés in the area that catered to the taste of the Doshisha students.

Aoi was coming to regret that decision when the restaurant came into view. It was tucked off the shopping street on one of the many roads intersecting the main boulevard. Aoi had seen it in passing during her many trips to the covered market, but it had never warranted a closer look.

"Kumiko… why…?" Aoi muttered as she brushed the noren in the entryway aside.

Dela's Egg Paradise was already a bizarre enough name on its own. But their choice of a tropical island theme for their décor was completely baffling since it had no link to the menu. There was nothing particularly strange about Kumiko choosing an egg restaurant. After all these years, she still had the tastes of a child since her favourite food was omurice. But was that egg obsession really enough to justify this choice?

"Aoi-chan!" Kumiko waved her hand from a booth table at the far end. "I couldn't help myself, so I ordered already." There was a sparkle in her eye as she gestured to the myriad pictures of egg dishes on the menu.

"It's fine," Aoi said as she slid into the seat opposite her. "I'll just have a tamago gohan and some salad."

Kumiko winced. "But the raw egg makes the rice so slimy."

"I like traditional the best. And I'm sure you got a lot of side dishes I can steal from."

The only time Kumiko became a glutton was around eggs. And Aoi reconfirmed this when dish after dish arrived in addition to the omurice. Japanese omelette, cheesy scrambled eggs, steamed egg, onsen egg, Aoi could feel the cholesterol coursing through her veins. But this was a special occasion after all.

"I can't believe I had to find out the university you went to from Shuichi," Kumiko said.

While Kumiko's disgusted expression at saying his name was clearly in jest, there was an unmistakable flicker in her eyes. Only then did Aoi notice Kumiko was not wearing the sunflower hairpin, just like Shuichi said. Maybe it was only because she knew what to look for, but the signs were unmistakable. Some had happened between them. But Aoi was not about to pry, at least directly.

"You should have just texted me," Kumiko said in between bites of egg. "Is it weird going to the same school as Asuka-senpai? I heard it's super tough at Kyodai."

It always led back to Asuka somehow. Aoi refused to spend her first meeting with Kumiko in over a year talking about her again. "It's going okay. What about you? Have you thought about what you want to do after high school now it's half over?"

Kumiko's shock quickly devolved into anxiety, her mouth ajar while her eyes darted about. "It's been that long?"

"I did warn you that it would all go by in a flash."

A wave of recognition came over her. "Ugh, you and Asuka-senpai have scary memories."

"Well… her's is almost photographic. I can't really compete with that."

"Really?"

"You never realised?" Aoi sighed. "She's able to recite whole essays from memory. Asuka's done it multiple times in front of the band."

"Oh… I just thought she was making it up as she went."

"She is the type to do that too. But this is her way of showing off." Aoi finished the last of her salad. "But let's not talk about her."

"Okay. I'm probably going to meet her again sometime soon anyway."

Aoi's gut twisted at how nonchalant Kumiko could say "again". Maybe it was unreasonable to be jealous. They played the same instrument. And after all, Asuka had been Kumiko's section leader for a year. But even if they had much more in common, and a far more recent connection, Aoi could not help feeling like all those years in their childhood should count for more.

Aoi collected herself, putting on her mildest smile. "Have you decided on a university course yet? It's a bit early for schools, but it can't hurt to look around."

"Umm… I don't really know." Kumiko stared into her plate as she pushed the remaining rice grains around. "I'm not like you… I think I'll just go wherever as long as it's decent."

"Same old Kumiko, just going with the flow." Aoi shook her head. "How will you ever be president?"

"Geeeh. You know about that too?"

Aoi folded her arms. "Haruka told me. There's no hiding from it."

"I don't really have the time to handle any other things right now." For a moment, her eyes looked as if they were a world away. "I need to concentrate on the band. And I'm okay going to any university."

Maybe Kumiko was easily satisfied, but from Aoi's experience, just going along with what was convenient was a recipe for disaster. "It's not that simple. And it's a pretty big choice."

"Well…" Kumiko tapped the tips of her index fingers together. "I'll think of something next year when all the teachers start asking. Have you thought about what you want to do after university?"

"Errr…"

"Heh, gotcha." Kumiko gave her an impish smile.

Aoi had seen it numerous times over the years, but Kumiko's expression now bore a distinct resemblance to one Asuka would make. The realisation almost pushed it from endearing to irritating before Aoi managed to compose herself.

"Alright," Aoi huffed. "But there's a difference. I just started. And I did think about it before I chose a course."

"Saying you'll get just any office job is cheating. You go to Kyodai. It's not easy for other people who go to normal universities. And there is no way I'm making it there."

"I was thinking about becoming a teacher. But I don't want to do the same job as my parents."

But few other options actually related to her literature degree. There was the joke in the faculty of them all becoming novelists. Though whenever Aoi dug down, she found nothing compelling she was dying to express in ink.

"Hmm…" Kumiko glanced at the ceiling. "Teaching. I never thought of that."

Aoi smiled. "Better find something to teach then. How's your literature grades?"

Kumiko went shifty eyed.

"There's always music, I guess." Aoi laughed.

"I'm definitely not going pro." Kumiko's voice dropped to a mumble. "Maybe I could make it as a band director in a school someday…."

Aoi smiled. "I think you've already done quite a bit since you always seem close to the drama."

Kumiko sprang up in her seat. "Wahh! Who told you?"

"Haruka told me most of it. A little from Asuka. And just the final bit from Nozomi-chan."

"You know Nozomi-senpai?" Kumiko's eyes widened.

"Yup," Aoi cradled her glass of water in her hands, letting the condensation run between her fingers. "I suppose there is still a lot of the band's history you don't know. But I tried to get Nozomi to stay as well. You know how that worked out."

"Huh? But she kept trying to get Asuka-senpai's blessing…."

"I guess I deserve that. Asuka wasn't very nice about it, but she did at least hint to Nozomi that things would change. Even though I tried to convince her directly, I couldn't bring myself to lie and tell her I would change how the band was next year. No matter how much I hated the way she was treated."

"You wanted to have time to study…." At least Kumiko was not having one of her many dense moments. Not that she could afford to have them anymore once she became president. "But why would you be the one to change anything?"

Aoi let out a cross between a chuckle and a sigh. "Didn't you ever find it weird that someone like Haruka was the president?"

Kumiko stared into her lap. "Ogasawara-senpai did take care of everyone…."

"Haruka is fantastic at that. But I'm sure you can see she's not forceful enough to be a leader."

"Well… Asuka-senpai didn't really want to be in charge either."

"Even if she wanted to be president, her mother would have probably objected. That would have been an even bigger problem than what ended up happening."

"You know about that too…." Kumiko twirled the ends of her hair, avoiding eye contact. "I guess that meant Kaori-senpai would have been the president?"

Aoi sighed. "Do you really think that little of me?"

Kumiko flinched, the cutlery and plates around her clattering as they settled back on the table. "You?! But… umm…"

"It does seem like a weird choice after everything that happened," Aoi said, shaking her head. "The idea was that I would be Asuka's vice president. But I wasn't willing to push the band to take things seriously."

"So then how did Ogasawara-senpai end up…."

Aoi bit her lower lip. Her motive was selfish, ugly even, but if she pretended to be someone else even in front of Kumiko, where would it ever end?

"Honestly, I could have managed both the band and schoolwork with the way things were. No one knew Taki-sensei would arrive and change things at the time. I still just let everything fall on Haruka."

Kumiko's expression scrunched up. "Is it really going to be that tough?"

"Oh… I'm not trying to scare you. You've already done a lot to help Nozomi-chan and Yoroizuka-san." Aoi felt a weight coming onto her chest. "I suppose I never did thank you for helping Nozomi get back into the band. You cleaned up my mess after I just walked away from it."

"Aoi!" Kumiko's hands flailed wildly in front of her. "You don't need to do that!... I just… felt for Nozomi-senpai once she told me what happened to her."

Aoi smiled. "If you've handled that, then I think you're prepared. Shuichi told me that you were great at taking care of the first years."

Kumiko went red, grasping the nape of her neck. "Yeah…."

"Is he taking on a leadership position too?"

Kumiko twitched, knocking her knees against the table. "Shuichi! No idea. I don't talk to him that much. He can if he wants to."

Liar.

Judging from Kumiko's reaction, it was not as if she had gotten sick of him or fallen out of love. Though Aoi did believe that they were not seeing each other much anymore. Maybe it would be a pretty long rough patch, but it clearly was not over like Shuichi was so worried about.

Something visibly clicked within Kumiko, her flustered state rapidly subsiding. With a distant calm in her eye, she looked direct at Aoi. "Is everything okay between you and Ogasawara-senpai now?" A flush came back to her cheeks as her eyes darted away. "I mean, I don't know how close you two are, or were. I just thought since she was the first one to go after you that day. And you mentioned talking to her just now…."

"Everything is fine." Aoi smiled warmly. "I didn't see her much last year, but we started doing stuff together again after graduation. We're roommates now. Though we don't go to the same university."

When summarised, everything sounded a lot rosier than it actually was.

"That's great," The tension left Kumiko's shoulders as she slumped into the booth seat. "Maybe one year isn't too long."

"You really want to make Shuichi wait another year? This will make it almost a decade."

"He can wait—" Kumiko began to cough violently. "No! No! I didn't mean that. I didn't mean it like that."

"Can't wait to be roommates with him?" It was Aoi's turn for an impish smile.

"No! Aoi!" Kumiko buried her face in her hands. "You're acting like Asuka-senpai."

Irritation flared, but Aoi quickly smothered it before her face could contort. She was not acting any differently than she did in the past. Now suddenly, everything about her was similar to Asuka.

Kumiko became more subdued as the pause dragged on and got to digest the idea. "Living with a friend does sound fun. I wonder if Reina will go to a music school somewhere near me." A frown broke out as she ruffled her hair. "Ahh, I can't think about that now. I may not even survive that long."

Aoi resisted the urge to spout reassuring platitudes. It would be meaningless if her advice did not have any substance. "Any reason your so worried?"

"I… I don't really know. I guess I can handle the normal stuff as it comes." Kumiko looked right into Aoi's eyes. "What if something crazy happens?"

"I don't think that's very likely." Aoi tugged on her braids. "It was a pretty nasty combination of things back then."

"I still don't get exactly what happened. I know you and some others tried to stop things. How could the president just go along with the other third years? Wasn't Michie-sensei around too?"

"Well… maybe you're better off not knowing."

"If you say so… I thought maybe there was something to learn from it."

It was strange to become the president of a club and know only bits of its history. While Kumiko was not directly involved, she was deeply entangled in its aftermath. That did give her some right to know what happened. Even if it was an ugly truth.

Maybe it was meant to fade with time. And maybe that would be for the best. But that was never the motive of Aoi's batch when they refused to speak about it.

A part of it was basic manners. It was never polite to drag up old feuds, even if one of the parties was long gone. The other reason was just how much vitriol and discomfort it created whenever something like that was mentioned. But perhaps most of all, it brought the whole idea of seniority and hierarchy into question. No one wanted to abuse it, but after years of schooling, everyone craved their time as a senior. Sure, there were some responsibilities, but the respect, difference, and even adoration just for being older was almost intoxicating for the ego.

No one wanted the hierarchy questioned once they were at the top.

"Actually, maybe you should know."

"I'm curious." Kumiko said tentatively. "But if it's too difficult…."

Aoi inhaled deeply. "It's difficult because it's embarrassing to admit how we acted."

Kumiko cocked her head to the side. "Didn't you try to make peace between them?"

"That wasn't enough. I should have sided with Nozomi-chan." Aoi shook her head. "Haruka was probably the only one trying to fix the relationship between the two sides."

"Then you were…?"

"The point Nozomi-chan and her friends made was undeniable. Finding a middle ground ended up being us making excuses for our seniors."

"But Natsuki-senpai made it sound different."

"Probably said something about the seniors believing that music is not supposed to be a competition."

Kumiko nodded. "She did say they were just using it as an excuse not to practice hard."

"Well, you know Nozomi-chan too. Do you really think she would go that far if things were just mediocre?"

"No, probably not."

"I think the day Nozomi-chan really pissed them off was when she asked if they were embarrassed by their performance at SunFest."

"Was it that bad?"

"You heard us play last year at the entrance ceremony. That was without our worse players."

Kumiko winced at the memory. "Nobody wants to look bad in public."

"Well, that was the standard we were at. And they still did almost no practice."

Aoi stared at the table as the noise around her grew. The lunch crowd had arrived, making the place much less conducive for a conversation. It was tempting to use it as an excuse to end it here. Though, maybe being a good senior meant revealing everything to Kumiko so she could learn from their failings. Even if it was a painful trip down memory lane.

Aoi stood up, grabbing the bill and her bag. "Come on, I know a better place for a chat."

The Beatles wafted to their little corner from the record player at the far end of the Hoshi to Piero. The place had become a familiar sight to Aoi as one of her usual reading spots. The music was always at just the right, never too loud to be distracting but never too soft to lose the ambience. The jazz records on the shelves always tempted her. But she never worked up the courage to ask the owner to put them on.

She and Kumiko settled into the sofa seat by the window. As mellow as the café was, there was tension between them as they sipped their drinks and nibbled on the cake. Although Aoi's resolve had not wavered since they left the restaurant, the tempo of their conversation was broken. And it seemed Kumiko was reluctant to bring up such a heavy topic.

Watching people pass them on the street below, Aoi resolved to push through. Taking a sip of her latte, she signalled for Kumiko to listen. It took a moment and a deep breath to compose herself. A dispassionate account of things would serve Kumiko the best.

"You already have a general idea of what happened."

Kumiko nodded intently. She had reached for her drink but stopped when Aoi spoke, slowly reclining into her sofa.

"So then… how did the people in charge let this happen?

"Michie-sensei is strict, but she's always been the assistant director. I think she might have whipped the band into shape if she had the chance. At least then, we would have been decent. Probably still not good enough to get to Kansai, but definitely not stuck as the worst of the bands getting bronze at the Kyoto competition. But out of respect for our former director, she didn't interfere. You've never met Rikako-sensei, but I'm pretty sure she unintentionally caused this whole situation.

"Rikako-sensei focused on ensuring everyone made meaningful memories and got along. What a meaningful memory is obviously varies, so it's ironic that we never took competitions seriously. You'd think that achieving something was the most obvious way to make their time in the concert band memorable. Or at least one of the most common things that would stand out to someone. But Rikako-sensei had some… odd ideas. At least to us as students.

"It's normal that a teacher sees everything in school as a learning opportunity. To her, the music lessons during curriculum time were the thing actually meant to teach music skills. The band was just an afternoon recreation club. Kind of like how literature is taught in class, but the literature club usually just read and discusses books."

"Hmm," Kumiko prodded the remains of her cake slice. "Why didn't you join the literature club then?"

Aoi blushed. "Umm, they weren't serious enough, I guess? Yeah, they mostly end up reading light novels instead of the classics or anything serious."

"I guess it would be a waste since you learnt to play the saxophone."

"Right now, it sounds like the band back then would still be alright for me. There weren't any expectations to put in a lot of time. I remember the seniors would look at you weird if you practised too much. Of course, no teacher will just let the club their advising exist for no reason. Rikako-sensei believed that the concert band, and clubs in general, were a way to teach life skills. How to work with others, and for the senior students, how to organise and manage a group.

"It is a good thing to learn. And it does look good when you apply to university or a job to say you've done these things. So Rikako-sensei encouraged the seniors to take responsibility and handle most things related to the band. Everything from selecting our music, scheduling practice and meetings, to making the SunFest uniforms. All she did was approve the choices and do the conducting at competitions.

"That's how the third years at the time ended up with so much control. They were given it and told it was meant to be that way."

Kumiko nodded. "So what did the president then do? What was she like?"

"He… Now I think he did a terrible job. But at the time…" Aoi twirled the ends of her braids. "Let's call him… I know, K. I don't really want to use his real name."

"A guy, huh? I never thought one would be picked to lead the band."

"The ratio of guys to girls is always against them. But it's bound to happen sometimes.

"So, about K… He was my senior. I don't just mean in the band. He was in the honours class in the year above me. Even during my first year, he was the obvious choice to be the next president. I suppose you could call him charismatic. But subjective things aside, he was good at doing all the administrative stuff in the band. And he was normally the top student in his batch."

"Sounds like Asuka-senpai."

Aoi shook her head. "K wanted to be the president. He never campaigned for it or anything. But you could always tell he wanted the position. After you've seen Haruka, maybe the band president doesn't look like the most glamorous job, but there was prestige to it at the time. Most people were terrible at playing, so the only thing of status in the band was holding a leadership position.

"I think it's kind of obvious by now, but I didn't really like the band. Neither how we were performing nor the other members. I don't know how much Shuichi told you either, but I hated the whole of Kitauji."

Kumiko winced at her words but nodded for her to go on.

"I know that's rich coming from someone who couldn't make it to a better school. The pain was still fresh at the time, and how most people in the band acted didn't help. I hated that I was supposed to be on the same level as slackers like them. I thought I was better than them. The only person I could really respect by the time it got to my second year was K. Top student, band president, and it was an open secret that he had a recommendation from the school for Tokyo University."

"What about Asuka-senpai?"

Irritation flared in Aoi's eyes, her face crumpling into a scowl. Kumiko instinctively cupped her hands over her mouth and vigorously shook her head.

Aoi exhaled slowly, relaxing her facial muscles. "Asuka… it's hard not to be jealous of her. Did she ever tell you why she went to Kitauji, of all places?"

Kumiko shook her head, eyes still wide as she kept perfect silence.

"It was the nearest school to her house. You've been there, the small villa near the tea fields."

"Villa? It's big but not that…."

Aoi dismissed her with a wave. "She could have gone to any school she wanted to. Rakushu, Rikka, Horiyama, but she had the luxury of settling for somewhere convenient for her. She knew she would make it to whatever university she wanted anyway."

"Maybe it was her mother?"

"I could have been. I'm not close enough to her to know."

"Oh… but you use each other's first names." Kumiko tapped her index fingers together, avoiding eye contact.

"It's still a little… complicated." Aoi shook her head. "Anyway, it's not like Asuka was much of a help when it came to this.

"I thought of quitting the band a few times in my first year. We weren't going anywhere, and it ate into my study time. After a while, I started studying with K during band practice whenever the rest were slacking. Honestly, that's probably the reason I stayed at all after a while."

"Aoi…" Kumiko was blushing, "Was there anything else… you know, going on?"

"I'm not sure," Aoi said with a weary smile. "I definitely admired his achievements. He was proof that I could be something at Kitauji. And he did help me with my schoolwork."

"So why did Nozomi-senpai fight with him?" Kumiko asked. "It sounds like they would get along pretty well. He sounds like the type to be ambitious with the band."

"At first, it looked like he did. And that was probably the worst part. It set up all the wrong expectations with our band that year."

"Would the other seniors have agreed to work harder?"

"You know how it is. When some authority figure sets the direction, it's easier for people to accept it and go along. Some of them might have agreed to practice more just because he was the president."

"People just go with the mood of the group, huh?"

"Exactly," Aoi nodded. "But if that push comes from a junior. That's a different story. As much as Nozomi-chan was right about how irresponsible a lot of seniors were acting, the way she tried to get things to change wasn't very effective.

"She didn't do anything rude, but it was still pretty persistent. I guess that's what happens when you go from being the president of your band one year to the most junior member of another the next. After an experience like that, it's hard to go back to just blindly following along. Especially if you're against the direction the band is going in.

"As for K, there were ways to handle the situation more… diplomatically, I guess is the word. No one likes being told what to do by their kouhais, but this was an especially sensitive subject. Nozomi-chan's batch wasn't the first to want Kitauji to take things more seriously. She was the first to push for it when they were this junior.

"I don't know if you've looked at the wall of Kitauji's past awards. Honestly, there's nothing much to see in the ten years before Taki-sensei joined. After Kitauji's last time at nationals, I think it was in 2005, the decline was pretty quick. They only made it to Kansai the next year, and the year after, they were stuck in the Kyoto competition with a dud gold. It only got worse after that, but in the year before I joined, they did get silver. The year when K's batch had just come in.

"I did ask him about it in my first year. I was hoping it meant things were improving, but it turned out to be the opposite. The seniors from way back pushed K and his batch into practising like crazy to make it past the Kyoto competition. A silver prize is still okay. But after that much effort, it feels like a slap in the face. I remember K got irritated as he told me this. His fists were curled the whole time, and his teeth made this clacking sound when they ground together. That practice took up a lot of his time in first year, and he missed the top spot on that year's ranking. It's nothing compared to how much you guys were practising last year. But it was hard not to sympathise with him at the time.

"The idea of putting in any effort really soured for them. It didn't help that their seniors blamed K and his batch for their mediocre performance. And like good juniors, he said they just sat there and took it."

"Ouch," Kumiko rubbed the back of her wrist.

"For someone in the honours class, like K, I suppose you don't get there and become the band president without becoming a little egotistical. He was never going to listen to his kouhais when they went against him. Even if they were just reminding him what he promised them.

"I think expanding the band was both a way to inflate his ego and something to look good on his university applications. When it came time to recruit members that year, he projected this air of ambitiousness. K never said it outright, but he always mentioned how Kitauji used to be a regular at nationals and that it would be great to live up to that. It also helped that he was a pretty good trombone player himself. It made it look like he could meet the expectations he was suggesting. And so the band grew. If Nozomi-chan and her friends hadn't left, their batch would have been the largest one in years. There were almost fifty of them. I think that's more than the number of first years that just joined this year."

Kumiko nodded with a sigh. "Why is it always a trombone player?"

Aoi shrugged. "He's nothing like Shuichi. If he was, even if he disagreed with Nozomi-chan, he wouldn't have let them treat their juniors like that. It was the girls that started to ignore Nozomi-chan, but it was K who allowed it to continue. When Nozomi-chan went to him directly, he basically told her to know her place. I'm just summarising, but that was the message he sent, even if it was more polished.

"Haruka and I did try to do something. Whenever we went to the third years, they'd try to get us on their side by pointing out that we were older than the first years and that they should also shut up and listen to us. It was also a not-so-subtle reminder that we were still their juniors as well. Then whenever we tried to get Nozomi-chan and the others to back down a bit, we'd end up being told how hypocritical the third years were. Some of the first years that joined were just here to slack off since that was what the concert band was known for at the time. In a way, they were unintentionally caught in the middle as well. They didn't mind the band lazing around but were an easy target when the seniors wanted a reason to attack Nozomi-chan's batch.

"In the end, all I could do was make a bunch of excuses for the third years. How they were worried about their exams and needed the time to study. Or that changing things too quickly was rude to push on to the third years as their kouhai. Of course, Nozomi-chan wasn't having any of it. And she was right. Even if she was being pushy, it didn't give the seniors the right to pretend she didn't exit. Actually, it sounds like they were running away from it.

"It got bad enough that the third years were shunning anyone playing their instrument at practice but going after anyone absent. The people who weren't as socially involved in the band were more or less fine. I think they left Yoroizuka-san alone because of that. There was nothing to gain from hurting her. They needed to at least appear like there was a justification for what they were doing.

"I think you know the rest."

Kumiko played with the dregs of her milk tea with a teaspoon. "I'm surprised so many people stayed."

"Not everyone was willing to make a big scene by quitting. And I think some of them stayed for personal reasons. I know Kaori spent a lot of time talking to the juniors in her section to make sure they were alright."

"That explains a lot about Yuuko-senpai. The trumpet section did have more second years than the others last year."

"It got pretty brutal at times. Haruka was crying even more than usual. Kaori even begged them in front of her section to stop saying nasty things around the first years as if they didn't exist. I wish I had tried that much. Even if it was only for a few people. But you don't need to know those details."

"So umm… Are you still in touch with K?"

Aoi blushed as she shook her head. "After graduation, he went to Tokyo University and never messaged me. I guess he really did think Kitauji was beneath him. Its… embarrassing that I looked up to him. Even wanted to be like him."

"I don't think you're like him." Kumiko smiled. "If anything, you're more like Asuka-senpai."

Aoi groaned at that comparison. But at least it was better than being linked to K. It was still stunning how she could have been so blind just two years ago. How she kept thinking that his actions with Nozomi-chan were just an exception. An emotional sore point that happened to be pushed. It should have been evident from that behaviour that it was all untenable even if things between them had developed.

"I guess I feel less worried," Kumiko said. "I don't think anyone in my batch will bully someone. And with Taki-sensei around, no one is joining thinking things will be easy."

"I don't know who else you'll need to work with from your batch. But if you're going to learn anything from this, try not to let your personal feelings blind you."

"Huh… I don't think that will be a big issue."

Aoi smirked. "Unless you end up working with Shuichi."

"Aoi!" Kumiko whined. "It won't be a problem. I don't think they'll choose him anyway. Though if they end up picking someone like Reina…."

"Shuichi's changed, you know. In a good way. Both of you have. If you were the same old Kumiko from two years ago, you'd just get swept with the crowd."

"Can't really do that anymore as president, right?"

"There's always going too far in the other direction and running people into the ground with practice. But I don't think you need to worry about that."

Kumiko gazed off into space. "Yeah… But Reina might do that…. And I can't just watch things happen anymore either."

They settled into a contemplative silence, Kumiko looking off the balcony of the café while Aoi finished her latte that had gone cold. There was a lightness in her now that she had told them about her vile second year. Even though she had to dredge up those memories, it now felt like they

The warm lighting lulled Aoi into a mellow state as she sank further into the blush couch. She was ready to slip into a light sleep when the tempo of the music changed. Out of nowhere, the song's tempo fluctuated with a burst of irregular beats. Roused from her daze, the beats now sounded like quiet sobbing.

"It's okay, Haruka," The soft, bubbly voice came from the café counter. "Let it all out."

"But I'm always crying."

Haruka? Aoi jerked up from her seat. Kumiko was looking in the same direction, her head tilted to one side.

"Is that Ogasawara-senpai?"

"I think it is." Aoi shushed Kumiko so she could make out what they were saying.

The other girl had twin tails like Haruka, but they were far longer, reaching well past her shoulders and halfway down her back. Instead of regular hair ties, her twin tails were each held together by two fluffy white balls. She was even dressed like Haruka, clad in a pastel hoodie and skirt. But what was most striking were her large, curious eyes.

"It's just so stressful," Haruka said.

"Is it the place you just moved to? Or the concert band you set up with your high school friends."

A twinge in Aoi's gut made her shoulders curl. With how much Haruka stuck to everyone from Kitauji, having a friend from Doshisha was unexpected. And she was a fairly close one at that if she knew Haruka had shared with her about the band and moving.

"We're preparing for a band festival at the end of November. I can't handle it all by myself," Haruka sniffled. "And I'm lonely all the time too."

"Is it boy trouble?" Her question was without any cheek, her eyes looking earnestly at a Haruka slouched over the countertop.

"Huh?" Haruka rose slowly. "I think that would be simpler. If it gets bad enough, I would just ask a guy out to put myself out of my misery."

"Who says they wouldn't go out with you?"

"You think they'd like someone so needy." Haruka wiped the remaining tears away with the cuff of her hoodie. "We're always talking about me. What about you're boyfriend? Aren't you lonely since he went to Tokyo for university?"

"A little. But he calls me all the time, and he came back for a while over the summer." Her smile was infectious, but so was Haruka's melancholy.

"I didn't know. We were so caught up with our other performance then."

From Aoi's peripheral vision, she could see Kumiko squirming, trying to get her attention. "Stop that. They'll notice you."

"Does Ogasawara-senpai have someone she likes?" Kumiko tried her best to whisper, but her volume steadily rose. "She started a concert band? Are you and Asuka-senpai a part of it?"

Aoi's heart hammered away, her cheeks burning as she desperately tried to shush Kumiko. But it was all in vain. With a violent squirm, Kumiko shifted her couch enough to create a screech. The pair at the counter immediately snapped their heads towards them.

"Aoi!?" Haruka's bar stool rocked precariously as she recoiled from the countertop.

"I'm gonna go," Kumiko mumbled.

Aoi grabbed her sleeve before she could get away. "What happened to not avoiding things."

"But I'm not the president yet." Kumiko sighed but stopped resisting.

The other girl stood up. "Do you two know each other?"

Haruka nodded. "Yes, this is my roommate." She gestured to the girl next to her. "Aoi, this is Kitashirakawa Tamako. She's a friend from Doshisha." Her eyes were red and veiny from crying, but Haruka's gaze remained locked with Aoi's.

"Oh! Your Haruka's best friend." Tamako bowed. She sprang back quickly, her eyes now even wider with curiosity. "Do you come here often?"

"Yes, she does." The café owner pushed the curtain aside from his back room and emerged behind the countertop. "But I'm surprised she's never made a song request all this time."

"Kunio-san," Tamako said. "could we have more coffee?"

"It's okay, we were just going," Kumiko mumbled as she beelined for the door.

"No, we're not," Aoi said, reining her in again.

"How much did you hear," Haruka asked.

Aoi pursed her lips. "… enough. I…"

"So, Kitashirakawa-san," Kumiko's pitch fluctuated erratically. "What do you study? Are you in any clubs?"

"Me?" Tamako bounced on her heels. "I'm in the Social Studies faculty with Haruka. I do baton twirling, but my circle doesn't do competitions or anything like that."

"Oh… right. I'm Oumae Kumiko, Ogasawara-senpai and Aoi's junior from Kitauji."

Aoi hated when Kumiko got all awkward. But then again, maybe the conversation was striking a bit too close home for her. And her flustered kouhai was at least trying to sidestep the fact that they had heard every embarrassing thing Haruka said.

"I know." Tamako clapped her hand. "Why don't you guys stop by my family's shop. It's nearby."

That would explain why she knew the café owner's name. And she was infinitely more tactful than Kumiko at changing the subject. Either that, or she was just that oblivious to the tension.

"Ah! Okay!" Kumiko's pitch stuttered as she quickly went for the door.

With the flush receding from Haruka's face and the hurt fading from her eyes, Aoi decided that following along, for now, was probably for the best. There was still no avoiding the inevitable difficult conversation with Haruka. Not that Aoi had any heart left for that after what she heard.

The Kitashirakawa family business was a traditional mochi shop off the main shopping street. While there were none of the more modern flavours like chocolate truffle or coffee, their classic red bean paste daifuku was fantastic. Although it felt imposing to be invited into Tamako's house behind the shop front, at least with Haruka around, they were not total strangers.

"Aoi, you never told me you guys started a band," Kumiko whispered over tea at the dining table.

For all her earlier talk of preparing to take up leadership of the Kitauji band, she had reverted to attempting to make herself invisible, only talking to Aoi.

"I thought you all would have found out by now. I think Momo-chan has been posting videos of our practice and outings."

Kumiko narrowed her eyes. "I've been kind of busy recently, you know."

"Or maybe you're just oblivious, and no one in your batch shares these things with you."

"So… can we come and watch your performance?"

Aoi clasped the nape of her neck. "I don't know if we'll be that good."

"Now that matters to you?"

"No, you're right." Aoi took a bite of her daifuku mochi. "I'm not sure how many tickets we can get. But it should be enough for the other band leaders to come."

"Don't say it." Kumiko narrowed her eyes. "I'm not bringing Shuichi."

"Alright, alright. It's probably for the best since Asuka will be there."

"Aoi, I think you're bad enough these days."

Their early afternoon tea was pleasant enough. Tamako carried most of their conversation, surrounded by the shy and two people having a minor feud. It was not difficult to see that Tamako made friends easily. Though, where Haruka found the time to build up their relationship this far was a mystery.

The walk back to Demachiyanagi station was done mostly in silence. Kumiko and Haruka seemed to have little to say to each other. Or, more likely, they thought any conversation would lead to what they had overheard in the cafe. With a final stifled wave, they parted ways with Kumiko at the train station.

Only then did Haruka let out a sigh of relief. "The last time the three of us were together was the day you…."

"So that's why," Aoi said as they continued their walk along the Kamo river bank. "I thought it was because of what you said to Tamako-chan."

"Oh…" Haruka brushed her right twin tail. "About this morning, I'm sorry I—"

Aoi's hand darted out, seizing Haruka's. "No,"

"I just had a bad night. You're right. I could have planned to meet Tamako or—"

"I've been selfish again." Aoi winced at how familiar it all was. "And I just told Kumiko the details of our second year."

Haruka turned to face her properly, their hands gently clasping each other. It was still early in the afternoon, but the shorter mid-autumn days tinged everything amber as if it were sunset. The running river gently rustled the reeds in the shallows, the surface a swirl with gold and crimson fallen leaves.

"Aoi…" Haruka looked right into her irises. "I don't think there was anything you could have done to stop them. You know what Nozomi-chan is like. I think… I think it's more important that you tried."

Aoi squeezed Haruka's hands. "It wasn't my best."

"It was to me. I can't ask you to throw away your grades."

"And I can't ask you to do everything alone."

"I don't mind the work that much… it's just," Haruka blushed as the word stuck in her throat. "… Lonely."

Time to prove it. Aoi pushed off with the balls of her feet, wrapping her arms around Haruka. "There's nothing embarrassing about that."

"It's just," Haruka sniffed. "There's never been anyone around at home. It's only school where… I thought it'd be different."

Aoi tightened her squeeze into a proper hug. "I'm your friend. I promise. I'll be there for you."

Haruka's arms ceased being limp, wrapping themselves around Aoi's waist. "Don't make a promise you can't keep. Being disappointed is worse than being left alone."

"I promise." She could not see Aoi's smile with their heads pressed against each other. "We still have the rest of Sunday and Monday before the next band practice. Let's have dinner together tonight. Tomorrow I'll sneak you into the Kyodai library."

There was a final squeeze from Haruka before she bounced away in excitement. "Deal! I know you need your space too. I won't overdo it."

As they walked back to their apartment, it looked like there could finally be some peace in Aoi's life.

End Notes

For this chapter, I tried a telling approach that famous Japanese novels like Natsume Soseki's Kokoro and Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood use. I thought they were an interesting choice since they forego the evocativeness of showing. In exchange everything we hear comes is in the character's voice and is carried by it. I wanted to experiment with something like that to see if Aoi's voice is strong enough to make it interesting. And if lack of objectivity that comes with having a character tell another instead of showing it in a flashback makes for additional nuance or subtext.

As usual, any feedback is appreciated.

As some readers might have picked up on. The Demachi Matsugata shopping street was the setting for Tamako Market. I decided to use the location since it was near both universities and as a homage to another Kyoani series. Hoshi to Piero is the café that features in Tamako Market. Though its more of a record shop, I took some liberties by expanding the scope of what they serve to make it a more reasonable place to have a scene in.

As another reference I used is Kanade, who is a character from Chihayafuru. In the manga, her family does run a clothing shop and she is very interested in literature, particularly the Ogura Hyakunin Isshu waka poems that are used in Karuta.