"Colin," she greeted her old professor and lover warmly. She looked around at his classroom, her eyes analyzing each of the changes he'd made since she'd departed. The chalkboard had been replaced by a smartboard, and his old wooden desk that they'd once has sex on had been upgraded to a nicer one that didn't wobble.
"Well aren't you going to give me a hug," he teased, pulling her into his arms. It had been years since he held her, but Cristina relaxed instantly. It seemed like years since Owen had held her, and a familiar comfort felt nice. A part of her longed for the warmth and protection she felt during sex, and for a split second, she thought about her and Colin christening his new desk.
After realizing what she'd just thought about doing, she quickly disentangled herself from Colin's arms. "You're dressed nicely, and you're here in California, so either your mother's died or you just took your boards," Colin motioned for her to sit atop his desk as he carefully leaned against it, keeping most of his weight on his feet.
"My mom's still alive, and annoying," Cristina rolled her eyes, smirking slightly. Colin grinned; running is hand through his hair. "So how did the boards go, I'll be you've been studying since last year," the sound of his laughter filled the room, vibrating through the walls.
Cristina bit her lip, almost embarrassed to admit that she'd basically crammed for the most important exam of her life. It was a new feeling for her, loving someone as much as surgery, and putting a relationship before a fellowship. For months, she thought that Owen was going to walk out the door, something that secretly terrified her. She tried desperately to fix things, something she felt was fairly one sided. Now, she had no idea where they stood. Owen loved her that she knew. Owen was sorry, that again she knew. Owen wouldn't cheat again? Owen didn't need kids? These things, she had no idea.
"Of course they went excellent, I am a cardiogod," she smirked, her eyes shining. "That you are," Colin agreed, pride clear on his face. Cristina couldn't help but think of Owen's reaction when he would find out her score. Even though he would attempt to keep his face professional during their meetings, Cristina could see a sense of pride that he had each time another world famous hospital wooed her into working for them. Damn it, she was thinking about Owen again.
She was about to speak, when the bell rang and students began piling in. Colin quickly explained that they were fourth year med students, applying for different hospitals around the country. As the second bell signaled that class had begun, a quiet fell over the students. "Good morning, I have the pleasure of introducing you to my former and very successful student, Miss Cristina Yang," he smiled in her direction, and motioned for her to stand next to him.
A few students' jaws dropped, probably because they'd seen her name along with Teddy's in the latest New England Journal of Medicine, regarding their study of 'fixing broken hearts'. She'd also been featured as a 'Surgeon to Watch', being referred to as the Ellis Grey of Cardiothoracics. "Hello everyone," Cristina smiled slightly, her nerves kicking in.
"As you probably could've guessed by the attire, Miss Yang has just returned from acing her boards," Colin smiled warmly at her. "This means that she's completed her entire residency, something you will all embark on next year. Take this time to ask her a few questions; she's quite brilliant, and very honest. She'll tell you what you need to know," he winked, then leaned against his desk, leaving Cristina alone in the front.
Most of the students wanted to know how to pick the right hospital for residency, asked questions about choosing a specialty and the best ways to study for intern exams. Cristina easily answered these, her nerves settling. "You in the back," Cristina pointed to a hand at the back of the classroom. The girl stood, and Cristina recognized her as the blonde girl from the church. "Are you married Ms. Yang?" motioning to the rings that Cristina wore around her neck, that had slipped out from underneath her shirt. She started wearing them so Owen would see how dedicated she was to fixing their relationship, and now she just wore them for a reminder of him, of them. Cristina broke into a cold sweat, her mind drawing a blank. A few students in the front, the perfectionists, the people who Cristina was in med school rolled their eyes. They didn't care about relationships; they were going to be gods. They would be insulted that someone like them had grown up and put a relationship before their career.
"I uh yes, I am married," she murmured, purposefully ignoring Colin's eyes that were now zeroed in on her. "Well how do you manage it, being a doctor and a wife?" the girl asked. Cristina felt like bolting, her stomach churned. She knew the girl wouldn't want to hear how she didn't know how. How she'd tried trading Owen for surgery, and then married him without making sure they were on the same page. How'd she'd completely fallen apart, and he put her back together, how much she loved him. How she'd had an abortion, how she'd hurt him. How he'd cheated on her, how they were falling apart. How she didn't even think they'd be married this time next year. She knew the girl wouldn't want to hear that, so she lied.
"It can be difficult, you'll make mistakes, but if it's the right person you'll fix the mistakes, and be together at the end to promise not to make them again," she told the girl, recognizing the amount of truth she'd actually spoken. She thought about Meredith and Derek, and Callie and Arizona. They all made mistakes, did horrible things, and yet they were together today, promising to be together forever. Even her and Owen had been through so much, and loved each other regardless.
As the final bell rang, the students filled out leaving Colin and her alone again. "You're married?" he asked skeptically, apparently very surprised. He'd heard about her and Burke's engagement imploding, surprised that she'd trusted anyone enough to get married.
Pursing her lips to keep from crying, Cristina nodded, her curls shaking around her face. "To who?" Colin asked, intrigued. "His names Owen, I met him while he was in the army. He's the chief of surgery now," she sighed, her stomach still hurting.
"Ah the Chief, you always have had a thing for authority figures," Colin probed, causing Cristina to roll her eyes. "Shut up," she growled, biting her lip. "Well congratulations, I'm glad you finally found someone who was truly right for you. Is he coming with you to your fellowship, or are you going to travel back and forth to see each other? He must be very impressed by all the job offers," Colin straightened his desk, curious of Cristina's plans for the future.
Unshed tears welled in Cristina's eyes, her arms griping the desk beneath her. "He's uh, he's proud," she sighed heavily, willing herself not to lose it. "Uh, no I don't think he's coming with me, and I don't think we're going to really travel back and forth," she trailed off, speaking becoming too much for her.
Colin looked into her eyes, and suddenly he knew. He'd been in love with Cristina for years, he understood her facial expressions. "I'm sorry love, from what you told that girl, I just assumed that you were happy," he apologized. Cristina shrugged, a few tears slipping down her cheek.
"We got married, right after the shooting. I'd gotten PTSD, and I couldn't operate. He helped to fix me, he was there when surgery wasn't. Well I uh, got pregnant, and had an abortion. For a while we seemed okay, but we weren't. We tried therapy, it didn't work. I tried to fight so hard for him. He um, he cheated on me and I asked him to move out. He's been trying so hard to fix things with us, but I don't know what to do," silent tears ran down her face, her hands shook as she wiped them away.
Colin pulled Cristina into his arms, as she tucked her head into his shoulder. "Shh," he rocked her back and forth as she cried into him. After what seemed like hours, she wiped her eyes and slowly stood. "I'm such a mess, I'm sorry. You're probably disgusted, I've become a girl," she smiled faintly, remembering their conversation when she was going to marry Burke.
Pushing a tendril of hair behind Cristina's ear, Colin smiled warmly. "I am far from disgusted by you, in fact, I'm in awe of you," he whispered. She looked at him, confusion clear on her face. "You are still my Cristina Yang, ambitious, competitive, and unbelievably brilliant. You're wanted by every elite medical facility in the nation, and you've just obliterated your boards. You, Cristina Yang have become the cardiogod that I always knew you could be," he told her earnestly.
"Don't be ashamed of who you've become Cristina, because you are truly remarkable. When you were engaged to Burke, you were letting him take pieces of yourself away; you were molding yourself into the perfect housewife. You sacrificed your career to cover for him, and you lost yourself. That Cristina Yang, I didn't recognize. But this Cristina Yang, I do. You still love surgery, you're still competitive and bad-ass, and you're still you, but a bit more complex. You've welcomed in a love for your Owen, along with your love of surgery. You've fought for surgeries for years, and now you're fighting for your marriage as well," Colin wiped a stray tear from her cheek.
"I don't know if you can move on from the infidelity and the abortion, that's between you and your husband. But I'm telling you, don't give up on your marriage because you think you're compromising yourself, because you aren't. You'll know the moment you're being chipped away, or making one sacrifice to many and that's the time to question if your marriage if truly right. I can tell you love him a very great deal, so try to fix things if you can. Maybe he can come with you, or maybe you'll meet each other half way. Cristina Yang, you deserve a full life, don't cut yourself short," he kissed her cheek before pulling her in for another hug.
"Thank you Colin," Cristina mumbled into his chest, before pulling away. She wiped the last few tears from her eyes, and straightened her clothing. "Well, I've got to head back to San Francisco," she pointed at the clock. "Goodbye Colin," she bid him farewell. "Goodbye Cristina Yang," he smiled as she pulled the door closed behind her.
Her head was swimming; she felt a fog of confusion settle in her mind as the taxi drove her back to her friends. Owen hadn't tried to change her, it was never his intention. He'd accepted and loved her when she tried to trade him for surgery, or when she constantly put surgery before their relationship. She knew that although it hurt him sometimes, he loved her just the way she was. He held her hand through the abortion, and watched as his dreams of being a father disappeared. Cristina was the one who asked him not to leave; she was the one who wanted to fight. She's the one who made the decision to skip work to talk things out, and she decided to put her marriage before the boards. However angry she was at herself for getting distracted, she knew she couldn't fairly place the blame on Owen, as she could Burke. Her relationship with Burke was filled with ultimatums and constant force. Owen was there when surgery wasn't, and Cristina knew one day that surgery wouldn't be there anymore. She wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to experience that withdrawal without Owen.
She was so angry with him, so hurt by his cheating that she didn't know if she'd be able to move on. Her discussion with Colin had made her want to talk with Owen, to try to fix things. Confusion still swamped her mind as she drifted to sleep; her last thoughts before slipping out of consciousness were filled with Owen.