Chapter 127
Scarlett was in turmoil as she walked hastily away from the boat and the river. She had reached the other side and it was still dark outside. She could see her horse tied up at a distance, but she had to stop and catch her breath. She felt as if she were at the last lap of some great race. She leaned against a tree and laid a hand on her chest. She was completely overwhelmed with feeling. This was something that was happening more and more often to her. The scene she had just witnessed at Madame LaSalle's saloon - the girl and her young man. Scarlett couldn't get that scene out of her mind. Somehow she kept comparing that scene to herself and Ashley - riding over the meadows and fields on their way to fish barbeques and lazy afternoon boat rides by the river - to herself and Frank- even in their intimate moments- She could never put off Frank's pitiful advances with clever talk- in fact, she hardly talked- And finally with herself and Rhett- there too, she had been tongue-tied.
She felt her ideas on other men paying attention to her had been challenged. Before, when she saw Ashley and Melanie deep in conversation, she had always thought that love couldn't possibly exist between them. But now, she could compare the interaction that she had just now witnessed with that conversation. And undeniably, both- the man and the woman had definitely been attracted and attentive to one another. Suddenly she began to sob, feeling for certain that something was defective within herself. Somehow she had to work harder to secure attention, while other women could easily do it. She cried softly for a while and then gathered her wits. She was in a calmer state of mind as she rode her horse back home.
And as she rode home, she became more and more comfortable with her changing idea on receiving attention. She saw her mother advising her through her mind's eye. Her mother had only the experience of loving a wild cousin. And it was out of that experience that Ellen had advised Scarlett to be wary of men's emotions. But Scarlett herself knew plenty about how men really acted and thought. But somehow the genteel way had still survived as well.
Now, in a clearer frame of mind, she began to consider the scene she had just witnessed. Now, it was all very plain and simple to her. The girl and the boy had chosen not to focus on what they spoke but on the way they spoke it. They had both decided upon it. That's why they were able to flirt and yet avoid any kind of intimacy. It had all been a charming game, that's all.
"This is something Mother would have never understood-" said Scarlett, to herself. "Mother, who always judged situations and people so gravely-"
Over the next few days, a new courage seemed to rise within Scarlett. She had begun a new habit of talking things out within herself. She convinced herself that she could indeed have put off having a baby with Frank if she had just focused on the way she had conversed with him rather than worrying her head over so many topics like politics and money matters and things. She had given too much thought to words.
To be genuinely interested- not in the man himself but in the manner in which he presented himself.
It seemed like an entirely new challenge- It seemed to refresh Scarlett. She felt she could do it. Especially with Rhett- there were so many things he said that always irritated her but if she chose to focus instead on the way he said it- Yes, there was some hope there-
Before, she had always said and done things to create impressions on others without really feeling much because it had all been simpler and safer that way. But now, perhaps it is possible to feel and yet not get carried away by it, or allow another person to judge or understand in a different way-
Scarlett liked this new idea of being able to be in control.