Opening Montage

Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...

Lawndale

Season 2, Episode 11

"#JimToo"

written by

WildDogJJ

Lawndale Zoo, day...

Quinn, Nicole, Stacy and Sandi were walking around the zoo enjoying a ladies afternoon out.

"We should bring the kids," Nicole suggested, "They'd get a real kick out of this."

"Q would," said Stacy, "Chucky, not so much. Then again, he's thirteen, almost fourteen. That's the age where they start getting real moody."

Added Sandi, "Shane thinks zoos are lame as well." She sighed before continuing. "Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, but if he's this much of a stuck up jerk at ten I dread what he'll be like once puberty kicks in."

Maybe if you and Tom didn't spoil him rotten Quinn thought. Out loud, she said "Well, my boys would get a kick out of it. I mean here we are, forty and thirty-something married women walking around the zoo just because we love animals."

"And," said Sandi, "I'm also hoping to choose between tiger or leopard print to customize my Prada bag."

Zoo cafe, a short time later...

The fashionable four are looking at their menus deciding what to have for lunch.

"The Serengetti is definitely worth a shot," said Nicole.

Sandi looked at Nicole. "I don't get it, Nicole. How is it that you stay so fit when you eat like a pig."

Nicole was slightly offended by the pig comment. "It's called working out. I like burgers enough to put in some extra time on the treadmill for them."

It was at this point that a waitress came by to take their orders. The waitress was Angie Thompson, Kevin and Brittany's recently turned eighteen daughter.

"Hey, Mrs. Carbone," said Angie with a smile, "Mrs. Ruttheimer," she said to Stacy before turning to Nicole, "Mrs. White," she then turned to Sandi, "Mrs. Sloane."

Sandi, displaying some of her old haughtiness, immediately decided to be a bit of a Karen.

"Um, Angie, aren't you the head cheerleader? What are you doing working?"

"What?" said Angie, "I need a job if I don't get into a college with a good cheerleading program like Middleton or Great Prairie. "

"Humph, very well," said Sandi, "Hopefully, you wait tables better than you dye hair."

This earned Sandi a hostile glance from Quinn. Clearly, marrying into money has brought back some of her old bitchiness.

A short time later...

Angie was serving the ladies their lunches. She gave salads to Quinn, Stacy and Sandi before serving Nicole her burger and fries.

Sandi was still being a Karen. She took one look at her salad before glaring at Angie.

"Um, Angie, I ordered thousand island dressing, not vinigarette," said Sandi in a condescending tone.

"Sandi," said Quinn, "You ordered vinigarette dressing."

Sandi turned her ire on Quinn. "Were you even paying attention when you ordered, Kuh-winn," she asked in a condescending tone.

Both Stacy and Nicole sprang to Quinn's defense.

"We did," said Stacy, "Pretty sure you said you wanted vinigarette on your salad."

Added Nicole, "That's what I distinctly heard you order."

"Well," Sandi huffed, "If everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe SHE should do my ordering for me next time."

"Oh, Sandee," said Quinn, "I'd never do that."

"So," said Sandi, "You wouldn't help a friend in need?"

Quinn got angry. "The same friend who helped you lose weight in high school, not to mention all the other times I was willing to give you a chance while everyone else wrote you off. And what's with the attitude, Sandi. Youre acting like a total Karen right now."

Feeling very awkward, Angie tried to ease the tension. "Um, the zoo has a new exhibit opening up. It's called Walk of the Wild."

This got their attention and put a stop to the bickering.

Angie went on. "It's a special exhibit where you get to walk among the animals, kind of like a petting zoo, but cooler. The animals include tamed gorillas, giraffes and antelope. Nothing dangerous."

"Pretty sure a gorilla's dangerous," said Stacy.

"Not these," said Angie, "The primates in this have been socialized by experts to get along well with humans." She reached into the fanny pack that was part of her uniform. "I have some brochures." She then handed each woman a brochure for the upcoming exhibit.

Casa Carbone, evening...

Quinn, Jim and the triplets were having dinner and making conversation. Quinn was talking about her afternoon at the zoo.

"...so after Angie handed us the brochures Sandi finally calmed down.

Asked Tommy, "Mom, why was Mrs. Sloane acting like a total Karen anyway?"

Quinn sighed. "Apparently, she wanted a day at the mall and didn't appreciate being outvoted."

"What is it with chicks and the mall," Tommy asked in a derisive tone.

"Hey," said Timmy, "I like the mall!"

"Girly," said Tommy.

Quinn put a stop to the bickering. "Boys!"

Teddy muttered something under his breath. "My brother's are immature cretins."

Jim heard that. "Teddy," he said in a stern tone, "What did I tell you about calling your brothers cretins?"

"That it casts cretins in a negative light" Teddy quipped.

"Teddy," Quinn said in a firm tone, "Don't bait your father."

Wanting to move things to a safe topic, Jim picked up the brochure for the upcoming zoo exhibit. "This looks interesting. After all, I've been to plenty of zoos but I've never encountered these kinds of animals up close and personal. It's like a walking serfari."

"Complete with getting eaten by lions," Teddy quipped.

"Actually," said Jim as he thumbed through the brochure, "The only carniverous animals here are dogs and badgers, both of which are fully domesticated. Makes sense. Big cats would be a wrongful death suit waiting to happen."

"You guys wanna go when it opens this weekend," asked Quinn.

"I'm down," said Jim.

"YAY!" chanted Tommy and Timmy in unison.

Added Teddy "I don't have a choice, do I?"

Both parents shook their heads at their male Daria-clone son.

Lawndale Zoo, Saturday...

It was opening weekend for the new exhibit. The Carbones were in the cafe for lunch, after which they were gonna go to Walk of the Wild. A waitress came to take their orders. Coincidentally, it was Angie again.

"Hey, guys," said Angie with a polite smile. "You gonna try the new exhibit?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah, jus wanted to get some lunch first."

Added Quinn, "Thanks for the brochure, by the way."

"No problem, Mrs. Carbone," said Angie as she got out a pen and notepad. "What can I get you?"

Later...

The Carbones were eating their lunch. While Jim and the triplets were having burger and fries Quinn was once again having a salad. As she ate, Quinn noticed something out of the corner of her eye. That something was some middle-aged businessmen in suits at another table.

The lead businessman was a handsome guy, but something about him seemed off-putting. He was meeting with some marketing execs.

"So, as you can see," said the businessman, "This deal is a potential goldmine for all of us."

Another businessman, an elderly man with gray hair, asked "Why are we having this meeting at a zoo, Wilson?"

Wilson smirked. "Because doing business at a zoo keeps me amped by reminding me that business is like the jungle, there are predators and there are prey, and we need to remind ourselves to be the predators."

The old man smiled. "I like the way you think, Wilson."

It was at this point that Angie approached them.

"May I take your orders?"

Wilson grinned lecherously at the eighteen-year-old. "What's a hottie like you doing here? With your looks, you'd make a fortune as a model."

Angie blushed at the praise. "Thanks."

As she took their orders Wilson continued his leering, which made Angie visibly uncomfortable. Once she was done taking the orders...

"I'll get right on it."

"Thanks, beautiful," said Wilson. As Angie turned, he patted her on the ass. Angie said nothing about the unwanted contact and just continued on her way.

As she went to the kitchen, Wilson stared at her ass. "Damn, she's got a hot can."

Another business man, a guy Wilson's age, said "And that rack. God, it makes me wanna cry for milk."

"So wanna tap that," Wilson continued.

Quinn, having overheard the whole thing, stared menacingly at Wilson and his associates.

Seeing this, Jim asked "Something wrong, Quinn."

Quinn turned towards her husband and spoke in a whisper. "Those jerks at the other table were sexually harassing Angie. One of the creepers even grabbed her ass."

"Quinn," Jim whispered back, "If Angie didn't want the attention, she would've made it known."

"Unless she's afraid she'll lose her job if she complains," said Quinn, "I've seen it plenty of times in my life."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Quinn, it's really none of our business."

Quinn proceeded to give her husband a reality check. "You wouldn't say that if some creeper made suggestive comments about you and grabbed your ass."

Her words fell on deaf ears. "Well," said Jim, "I'm a guy, so unless I go to prison it's never gonna happen to me."

Quinn rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

Orientation area for exhibit, later...

The Carbones, along with other zoo guests, were being told what to expect by one of the trainers. The trainer was a man in his early thirties with long, flowing blond hair and a surfer's tan.

"Now," said the trainoe, "The gorillas aren't dangerous, but as a precaution I'm required to explain some rules on how to act around them."

Teddy raised his hand. "Wouldn't it be safer to not include gorillas?"

The trainer stifled a laugh. "Don't worry. Gorillas are the largest primates, but also the least aggressive. They're actually very friendly and playful. Still, some things shouldn't be done. Don't raise your arms around them, make loud noises or sudden movements. That kind of behavior can be misinterpreted as aggression."

"Well, now I feel safe," said Teddy in his Daria-like deadpan.

Missing the sarcasm, the trainer said "Wonderful. Anyway, now that that's out of the way, are you people ready to walk on the wild side?"

Everyone nodded.

"C'mon," said the trainer, "A little more enthusiasm?"

"Yes," said the crowd.

"I can't hear you," said the smiling trainer, "Unleash your wild sides!"

The trainer's enthusiasm began to pump up the crowd.

"YEAH!"

"Wonderful," said the trainer as he opened a door, "Now...LET'S GET WILD!"

While everyone else was into it, Teddy had a morose expression. "Why do I get a feeling this won't end well?"

The actual exhibit, later...

Everyone was appearing to have fun. Quinn and Timmy were feeding some antelope. Quinn pat the head of the one eating out of her hand.

"Yes, you're so pretty," she said.

Timmy pat the antelope eating from his hand. "You're so sweet, I love you."

Jim overheard that and shook his head. Kid needs straightening out.

Tommy, meanwhile, was playing with some African Wild Dogs. Actually, that's a misnomer as the behavior of the dogs makes it clear that they've actually been domesticated.

"This is awesome!"

"You know," said Teddy, "If we stayed home, you could've done the same thing with Stripe."

"Shut up, brain," Tommy retorted.

Just then, there was a rustling sound in the hedges near Jim. He looked as a large gorilla approached him with a curious expression. The young trainer from the orientation saw this and approached Jim.

"Don't be alarmed," said the trainer, "He just wants to say high." The trainer spoke to the gorilla. "How are ya, Mufasa?"

Mufasa smiled and looked at the trainer, who scratched him behind the ears. Mufasa seemed to love the attention.

The trainor turned to face Jim. "Come on, sir. Mufasa loves it when you scratch him behind the ears."

Jim put aside his misgivings and approached the gorilla. He proceeded to scratch behind the ears. Mufasa loved it so much that he smiled warmly at Jim. This put Jim instantly at ease.

"This...This is actually pretty fun."

Seeing how the gorilla responded to Jim, the trainer said "Mufasa seems to really like you."

Jim now felt comfortable enough to actually speak to the gorilla. "Mufasa, named after a character from The Lion King. Nice."

It was almost as if Mufasa knew he was being complimented as his smile grew wider.

"Hug him," suggested the trainer, "Mufasa's always been the affectionate type. He loves being hugged."

Jim proceeded to actually hug an 800-pound gorilla. "Yeah, you like that, don't ya, buddy."

After the hug, Mufasa actually rolled onto his back and gave Jim a pleading look.

"He wants you to rub his tummy," said the trainer.

Jim proceeded to do just that, surprised at how friendly this gorilla actually is.

Quinn saw what was going on and turned to her sons. "Boys, look at that."

The family watched the heartwarming moment of Jim bonding with a gorilla. Timmy eagerly walked up to them.

"Dad, can I pet him?"

Jim smiled. "Of course you can, little buddy."

As Timmy approached, Mufasa's demeanor suddenly changed. The gorilla took one look at the ten-years-old boy and let out a very menacing roar.

"AHHHH," screamed the startled child as he ran to his mother.

An equally startled Jim stopped rubbing Mufasa's tummy and began to slowly back away.

"oh, no," the trainer muttered under his breath.

Mufasa stood up, looked at Timmy and began to pound his own chest.

"SOMEONE CALL SECURITY," called out another guest.

Mufasa then stopped trying to intimidate Timmy and turned to face Jim. The gorilla's expression was almost...lustful.

"Zookeeper," Jim said to the trainr, "What's going on?"

The trainer said "Run!"

Jim turned around but, as he started to run, Mufasa leapt up and landed behind Jim. The gorilla grabbed Jim by his shoulders and pinned him to the ground.

"HELP," Jim yelled, "SOMEONE GET HIM OFF OF ME!"

Nothing could've prepared the others for what they saw next. Pinning Jim with one hand, Mufasa used the other to pull down Jim's jeans and boxers in one fluid motion. Mufasa then positioned himself on top of the VERY terrified Jim. Next, Jim felt it happen. As Mufasa did...what he wanted to do...Jim let out a blood-curdling scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Everyone gasped in horror as they watched a grown man get violated by a gorilla.

Act II

Cedar's Hospital of Lawndale, day...

Jim was in a hospital bed laying on his stomach wearing what appeared to be an adult diaper. This is because he's recovering from emergency surgery that was done to repair the damage to his rectum. Quinn was standing next to the bed as they both talked to the surgeon who'd worked on Jim. The surgeon, a handsome, dark haired man in his early-thirties, was answering the couple's questions.

"I can't believe what happened," Jim lamented with a shudder.

"So," said Quinn to the surgeon, "What kind of care will my husband need?"

"Well," said the surgeon, "We'll keep him overnight for observation and tomorrow we'll send him home with a colostomy bag so that he can defecate without re-opening any wounds."

"ew," Quinn muttered. She then asked the next question. "Long term?"

The surgeon said, "Jim's long term prognosis is excellent. Most of the damage to his rectal area should heal on it's own. However, he's most likely going to be dealing with periodic hemhorroid flare ups for the rest of his life."

"WHAT," exclaimed an alarmed Jim.

The surgeon shrugged this off. "Don't worry, Mr. Carbone, hemhorroid flare ups usually end on their own and can be shortened by applying witch hazel and preparation-H to the affected area. It's like herpes, only not contageous."

This earned the doctor a death stare from both Quinn and Jim.

The doctor blushed. "Oh, right! The rectal damage is due to sexual assault by a wild animal! Maybe an STI comparison wasn't the best anology. Sorry." A second later, he added "Also, sorry about the rape kit and STI test. Standard procedure when treating injuries due to sexual assault. Although, this is the first time I've dealt with one where the perpetrator and victim were separate species." He suddenly looked awkward. "Um, I gotta go!"

The doctor left in a hurry. Once he was out of the room, Quinn turned her attention to her husband. "Jim, honey," she said, "How do you feel?"

Irate, Jim said "I was butt-raped by an 800-pound gorilla. How do you think I feel!?"

It was at this point that an attractive blonde woman in a business suit entered the room. She appeared to be in her mid-to-late thirties and was holding a clipboard and pen. The woman proceeded to introduce herself.

"Mr. and Mrs. Carbone," said the woman, "Jasmine Schrecter, Attorney at Law, I'm..." Yes, it's Eric's now adult niece, who suddenly recognized Quinn. "Quinn! Quinn Morgendorffer!"

"Actually," she corrected, "It's Quinn Carbone now."

Jasmine smiled. "I haven't seen you since that office Christmas party in 2000. I think I was fifteen at the time."

"You two know each other," asked Jim.

Quinn explained. "My mother used to work for her uncle." She then turned her attention back to Jasmine. "So, you joined the family business?"

Jasmine nodded. "Yeah. Went to law school at State U. After that, Uncle Eric hooked me up with a job at the firm."

"You married," asked Quinn.

"Only to the job," Jasmine answered.

Jim began to lose his patience. "I hate to interrupt this reunion, ladies, but..."

"Ah, yes," said Jasmine, "The reason for this visit. I'm representing Lawndale Zoological Park in this...unpeasant...matter." She held out the pen and clipboard. "I just need you to sign this."

Quinn immediately snatched the clipboard. "What's this?"

"A waiver," said Jasmine, "The zoo wants to put this...very disturbing incident behind them. As such, the firm drew up this waiver and sent me to get you to sign it." Jasmine took the clipboard back and flipped the waiver over to reveal the second thing that she wanted Jim to sign. "And this is a non-disclosure agreement. It basically states that you won't make any public or private mention of this to anyone."

Quinn's inner Helen immediately came out. "Are you kidding me!? My husband was attacked by a gorilla and now we're expected to just pretend none of it happened! I should sue both the zoo AND the firm for everything you've got!"

Before Jasmine could respond Jim snatched the clipboard and pen.

"Jim, what the hell!?"

"Quinn," said Jim, "The people at the zoo aren't the only ones who wanna put this behind them..." He nodded towards his bandaged ass. "...no pun intended. I'd like to pretend this never happened too!"

Jasmine smiled. "Great! We're all on the same page."

"No, we aren't," Quinn retorted, "My husband is a victim and you want him to sign away his rights!"

"My problem," said Jim, "My decision." With that, he signed both documents and handed them to Jasmine.

"Thanks," said Jasmine as she took the signed documents, "Where should I send your copies?"

Jim gave her his e-mail address while Quinn fought the urge to physically assault Jasmine.

Lawndale Zoo, a few days later...

Angie was waiting tables at the cafe when a familiar business approached.

"Angie," said Wilson, "How are you?"

Angie silently groaned while putting on a fake smile. "Can I help you?"

"It's me," said Wilson, "From the other day. Don't you remember?"

She did, and wished she could forget. "Of course, but I'm on the job right now."

"Me too," said Wilson, "I'm having another meeting. You guys serve alcohol?"

"No," said Angie, trying to hide her discomfort, "This is a family establishment."

Wilson shrugged this off. "Well, worth a shot. Mind if I ask you to wait on us again?"

Angie was now visibly nervous. "Well, It's not up to me who I wait on."

"Can I speak to your manager?"

Angie sighed as she went to get her boss. She then watched as Wilson and the manager talked in whispers. She couldn't hear what they said, but she saw Wilson slip a wad of money into the manager's pocket. He then approached her.

"Angie," said the manager, "I need you to wait on Mr. Wilson and his party. Tina will take over your current table."

As her boss left, she let out a resigned sigh. Wilson then approached her.

"Well," said the creepy businessman, "Looks like we get another date."

"It's not a date," said a forlorn Angie, "I'm a waitress and you're a customer." She then got to business. "Where's your table?"

"I'll show you," said Wilson as he escorted her to the table that he and his associates were at. Along the way, he put his hand on Angie's ass, which made her REALLY uncomfortable, but she doesn't dare protest now that the creeper has her boss in his pocket.

Casa Carbone...

Jim was resting in bed when Quinn entered. He immediately acknowledged his wife.

"What's up, Quinn?"

"Jim," she said, "You have a visitor."

As Quinn stepped aside Helen walked in.

"Jim, how are you?"

Jim smiled. "Hey, Helen. I'm embarrassed. I can't believe I accidentally sat on a power drill like an idiot." That's his story and he's sticking with it.

Helen rolled her eyes. "Quinn told me what really happened, Jim, and showed me these." She held up the copies of the documents that Jim signed.

Jim glared angrily at his wife. "Dammit, Quinn, I wanted this kept quiet."

"Jim," said Quinn, "It's for your own good."

Jim rolled his eyes. "And how, exactly, does it help me to suffer even more shame than I already have?"

Helen explained. "Jim, in the course of my thirty-seven years of practicing law I've handled more than one case involving sexual assault. Usually, the victim wants to sue their attacker because the statute of limitations has run out on criminal charges. The reason they wait so long to pursue justice is because they were shamed into silence. I'm willing to come out of retirement to help you on this pro-bono. After all, you're like a son to both Jake and I."

"I appreciate the sentiment," said Jim, "But even if I wanted to do this it's not an option. I already signed two legal contracts to that effect."

Helen was unfazed by this. "Jim, the law doesn't recognize any contract that's intended to conceal legal wrongdoing as valid. As such, the non-disclosure agreement is null and void. As for the waiver, you clearly signed that under duress. I can easily get a judge to throw it out. Then, we can sue the zoo for negligence and reckless endangerment and I can report my old firm to the State Bar...something I've dreamed of doing for years now. Just say the word."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I really just wanna put this all in the past and move on. It's not worth the shame and ridicule I'll suffer if this becomes public knowledge."

Helen said "Many, probably most, believe that at first. They regret their decision later. Frankly, you deserve to be generously compensated for the pain and suffering that this incident has caused."

"I'm fine," Jim sharply replied.

Both Quinn and Helen sighed in response.

"Well," said Helen, "Let me know if you change your mind. It's a civil matter, so there's no statute of limitations."

"I won't," Jim practically barked.

That evening...

Both Quinn and Jim were asleep. While Quinn slept soundly Jim was tossing and turning.

Jim's dream...

Jim was in a large shower room washing himself when suddenly...

"OH, JIIIIIMMMMMM!"

The voice sounded like Booty Warrior from The Boondocks. Startled, Jim dropped his soap and turned around. Standing there was Mufasa the gorilla.

"You...You spoke!"

"Tha's right," said the gorilla, "An' you got somethin' I want...yo' booty!"

Jim was defiant. "You aren't getting my booty, you sick freak. Now, get the hell outta my face and maybe...MAYBE...I'll won't fuck you up beyond repair!"

Mufasa laughed. "Ya'll can't hurt me! I'm a gorilla! I'm strong enough to bend iron with my bare hands." The gorilla gave Jim a look that was both lustful and menacing. "Lemme tell ya like it is, Jim. I likes ya...an' I wants ya. Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, choice is yours."

"You must be on something if you think we're gonna do anything in any way," Jim replied in a haughty tone.

"Oh, I see," said the gorilla, "You wanna do this the hard way."

Mufasa then grabbed Jim, turned him around and bent him over.

"I'M A WARRIOR," the gorilla shouted as he proceeded to take Jim.

Reality...

Jim woke up with a start.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

His scream caused Quinn to wake up.

"JIM!"

In a cold sweat and breathing heavily, Jim frantically scanned the room. He rapidly calmed down upon realizing the shower encounter was just a dream.

"That must've been some nightmare," said Quinn.

"You have no idea," said Jim.

"Actually," said Quinn, "I'm willing to bet it involved a gorilla and a very disgusting act."

Jim was instantly defensive. "I don't wanna talk about it!"

"Jim," Quinn patiently said, "We need to talk about it."

"No," Jim snapped, "We don't!"

"Look, Jim.."

He immediately cut her off. "Dammit, I'm not talking about it! Not with you, not with anyone! Got it!?"

Quinn was frustrated by her husband's stubborness. "Dammit, Jim..."

"LEAVE ME ALONE," Jim shouted as he quickly got up and stormed out of the bedroom.

Once alone, Quinn folded her arms and let out a frustrated sigh.

Lawndale zoo, a few days later...

Angie was once again waiting tables at the cafe. She groaned upon seeing Wilson sit at a table with some of his golf buddies.

"Why are we going to the zoo just to eat lunch at the cafe," asked one of the golf buddies, "There's a restaurant at the country club."

Wilson pointed at Angie. "See that hot blonde tart," he said, "I can get her to do anything I want."

"Yeah, right," said a second golf buddy.

"Okay," said Wilson, "I'll prove it to ya." He turned towards Angie. "OH, ANGIE!"

Angie let out a resigned sigh before approaching the table. "Hi, Mr. Wilson," she said in a resigned tone.

"Please, call me Glen," said Wilson, "And smile more. You have a pretty smile."

Angie responded with her most convincing fake smile. "Okay...Glen." While she now looked happy, she felt nauseous.

"Hey, Angie," said Wilson, "I have a question." He pointed at her chest. "They real?"

Angie tried to hide her discomfort. "Excuse me?"

"The knockers," said Wilson, "Are they real?"

"With all due respect," said Angie, "I'm not sure that's an appropriate question."

"C'mon," said Wilson.

Angie sighed. "Yes, they're real."

"What size," asked Wilson.

Angie forced herself to fake a smile as she said "Double-D."

Wilson grinned lecherously. "Nice, can I feel 'em?"

Angie dropped the facade. "No, you most certainly can't!"

"C'mon," Wilson pleaded, "Just a quick feel." His voice turned menacing. "Or, would you rather get fired and blackballed so hard that you'll never have another job again?"

Angie let out a resigned sigh. "Fine, you can feel them."

As Wilson proceeded to grope the eighteen-year-old Angie looked like she wanted to cry.

Act III

Thompson House, day...

Kevin and Brittany were in the living having tea with a visiting Jim and Quinn. For once, Brittany isn't too busy nailing Daryl to do some socializing of a non-sexual nature (either that, or she decided to do some normal suburban wife stuff to make sure Kevin remains unaware of her affair). By now Jim has mpstly physically recovered from his ordeal, though he still needs a special cushion in order to sit comfortably.

"Dude," said Kevin, "How'd your butt heal so fast after sitting on a power drill?" Before anyone could say anything, Kevin suddenly remembered something. "Oh, yeah. You have an over-developed sphincter."

(Author's note: For those who don't know, the sphincter is the muscle that controls bowel movements. Jim's is unusually strong due to decades of chronic tension.)

This generated an embarrassed from from Brittany and an "EWWWWWW!" from Quinn.

"Dammit, Kevin," Jim barked, "We never talk about that! Also, yes, I accidentally sat on a running power drill and THAT'S ALL!"

Both Kevin and Brittany were visibly confused. They wondered why Jim keeps defensively harping on that power drill story.

Suddenly, the door opened and a crying Angie ran in. This made both her parents worry.

"Angie," said Brittany with motherly concern, "What's wrong?"

"I..I...AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Angie immediately broke down in tears.

Kevin immediately hugged his daughter in an attempt to soothe her. "There, there, cupcake! Like, what's gotcha down?"

Angie stopped crying. "I..I...sniff...I WAS HARASSED AT WORK TODAY!" After another brief crying fit, the teen continued. "I...Look, we have a repeat customer, some old creeper who keeps hitting on me. Today, he grabbed me and kissed me. I didn't want to but...but...HE WOULDN'T STOP GROPING ME!" She then broke down in another crying fit. Both her parents were outraged.

"WHAT," screamed Brittany.

"I'LL KILL THAT BASTARD," barked Kevin.

Since Quinn and Jim were Angie's neighbors and not her parents, they were able to keep cooler heads.

"Well," said an indignant Quinn, "I hope you told your manager about this!"

Angie stopped crying. "I can't," said the distraught teen, "This old creep is bribing my boss to look the other way! He won't step in and I'll lose my job if I say no!"

Kevin stood up with murderous rage in his eyes.

"THAT'S IT!" He turned towards Brittany. "BABE, GET MY GUN!"

Jim immediately got in Kevin's face. "KEVIN," he barked, "YOU'RE NOT SHOOTING SOMEONE OVER THIS!"

Kevin immediately calmed down, fully aware that Jim is not only in better shape but also a much better fighter than he is. Both men proceeded to sit back down.

Quinn proceeded to talk to Angie, with a subtext that also gets to Jim.

"Angie," said Quinn, "You need to go to the police. What your boss and this guy are doing isn't just wrong, it's illegal."

"But, Mrs. Carbone," she said, "I do that and everyone will know! I'll lose my job and everyone will think I'm a slut!"

Quinn said "Angie, you're not a slut. This guy is forcing you to indulge his perversions. Not only that, but your boss knows what's going on and won't do a damn thing to stop it."

Jim added his two cents. "Um, Quinn, she does have a point. Maybe it'd be better if she just quit her job."

Quinn wasn't having it. "And let that perv win!?"

All three Thompsons looked confused as it's now clear that both Jim and Quinn have forgotten about them.

"Quinn," Jim protested, "It's not a contest. Yes, Angie could pursue justice, but it'd be a pyrric victory. She'd have to endure public humiliation, the shame of everyone knowing and the bad reputation that's sure to follow. Is justice really worth any chance of the victim having a normal life going out the window? At least this way she can move on and put it behind her."

"He's right," said Kevin.

Brittany agreed. "I teach high school. I, like, know just how cruel and unforgiving people that age are."

Quinn couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Angie," she said, "You were being sexually harassed and now you've even been sexually assaulted. How long before this escalates to full blown rape?"

Angie said "Mr. Carbone's right. It'd be better to just quit my job and pretend none of this happened."

"Angie," said Quinn, "Then it's only a matter of time 'til this creep does it to someone else. Also, what if this happens to you again at another job. One reason sexual harassment is so common is because the guys who do it usually get away with it."

Angie began to lose her patience. "Look," she barked, "You're happily married with three adorable kids. I'm a teenager who got herpes because her boyfriend cheated on her with a rancid skank. I don't need public humiliation too!"

"But, Angie..."

"LEAVE ME ALONE, ALL OF YOU!"

As Angie angrily stormed off to her room, Jim sat there looking thoughtful.

Quinn's right! I keep sweeping this under the rug and it's just a matter of time before it happens to someone else!

Casa Carbone, later that day...

Jim, Chris, Kevin, Jamie and Chuck were gathered around the game table in the basement's man cave. Jim was breaking his silence by telling his brother and friends what really happened to his ass.

"...and I'm sick of being ashamed of something that isn't even my fault. It's the gorilla who should be ashamed!"

Unfortunately, the guys all responded by breaking down in a fit of laughter.

"HA...DUDE..." roared Kevin, "YOU GOT RAPED BY A GORILLA! HA...THAT'S...that's, like...THAT FREAKING HILARIOUS! HA...HA...HA..."

Added Chuck, "Did he make you cum!" He then resumed laughing his ass off.

"OH...man," said Chris, "My ex-wife screwed around, BUT AT LEAST I NEVER GOT BUTT-BANGED BY AN ANIMAL!" Chris then resumed his own laughing.

Jamie was the first to calm down. "C'mon, guys! This is pretty immature. I mean, do you make fun of me for getting my real legs blown off in Iraq?" He then turned to Jim. "Sorry I laughed, man."

Jim was relieved until he saw Jamie's sympathetic look turn into a sadistic grin.

"Still," said Jaime, "At least I didn't get my salad tossed by a gorilla!" Jamie then resumed his laughter.

"Ni...ha...GOOD ONE, JAMIE...HA...HA..." said Chuck through his laughing fit.

"DAMMIT," Jim barked, "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

Chris stopped laughing. "C'mon, bro," he said, "If it happened to someone else, you'd be laughing your ass off too."

Jim sighed. His brother did have a point, but he had a counterpoint.

"Did I make fun of you when it came out that Brooke was banging half of Hollywood the whole time you were married?"

Chris suddenly froze. His lip started to tremble. Finally, he stood up.

"AH...BOOO-HOOOO-HOOOO...sniffle...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Chris ran out, crying the whole time.

New York City, a short time later...

Daria was sitting alone in her apartment watching TV. On the screen was a scantily clad woman making out with a gorilla.

"They say men are apes...SO SHE GOT BUSY WITH AN ACTUAL APE! Jungle Love, next on Sick, Sad World!"

It was at this point that Daria's phone rang. She muted the TV, then answered.

"You've reached the ninth circle of Hell, Lady Satan speaking."

"Hey, Daria," said Jim on the other end.

"Hi, Jim. What's going on?"

Jim sighed. Now for the hardest part. Out loud, he said "Daria, there's something I need your advice on."

A lengthy explanation later...

"So," said Daria, "You were a victim of bestiality."

Jim was surprised that his sister-in-law's reaction was limited to a casual deadpan remark. "Well, at least you didn't laugh your ass of like my friends did when I finally told them."

"Because I'm not an immature idiot," replied Daria.

"See," said Jim, "The thing is that in addition to everything else I've now lost the respect of my friends."

"If they're that unsympathetic," replied Daria, "They were never your friends to begin with."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Will women ever understand? Look, any group of heterosexual males is essentially a cratocracy. We guys rank each other on the basis of might makes right. While womanhood is inherent, manhood must be earned and once earned it can be taken away at any time if you do something unmanly. Because of this, we guys are constantly proving our masculinity to each other and the easiest way to do so is by policing the masculinity of other men. In guy world, any sign of weakness is grounds for shaming and ridicule. It's a lesson we've all had drummed into us from the moment we exit the womb. That's just the way boys have always been socialized. That's why I was originally trying to keep what happened to me under wraps. I didn't want to endure the humiliation or be put in a position where I'd have to do something stupid or even criminal just to regain the respect of my peers."

"I see," said Daria, being well-read enough to know that what Jim just told her is true and it would take at least two more generations of cultural change to purge civilization of the more toxic aspects of masculinity.

"The problem," said Jim, "Is that I want justice, I want to make sure what happened to me doesn't happen to someone else and I want my friends to respect me again."

"Jim," said Daria, "You know what to do to get justice."

Jim nodded. "I do, and I'm already making moves in that direction. Losing my friends' respect is the more complicated problem. How do I save face without doing something violent or self-destructive?"

Daria had the answer. "Jim, you financially support your brother despite the fact that he's gainfully employed because most of his income goes to his ex-wife in alimony. The next time he gives you hell simply remind him not to bite the hand that feeds him. As for Kevin, Jamie and Chuck, that problem will solve itself pretty quickly."

Jim was puzzled by the certainty in Daria's voice. "What makes you so sure of that?"

Daria told him. "Because their wives are all friends with your wife."

Jim smiled, knowing exactly what'll happen as soon as Nicole, Stacy and Brittany catch wind of how their husbands reacted to Jim's admission.

"Thanks, Daria."

Lawndale zoo, a few days later...

Jim was walking towards the interactive exhibit where he was attacked. He was accompanied by Quinn and Helen.

"I'm glad you changed your mind," said Quinn.

"Thanks," said Jim, "And thanks for getting a judge to void the contracts I signed, Helen."

"My pleasure, Jim," Helen replied.

It was at this point that they passed by the cafe. Jim looked and was instantly triggered by what he saw. Angie was visibly being harassed by Wilson yet again.

"Quinn, Helen," said Jim, "I need to take care of something at the cafe really quick."

Inside the cafe...

Wilson was talking to Angie in a suggestive manner.

"Look, Angie," he said, "You know you want it. You know you want me to give it to you."

Deciding she'd had enough, Angie slapped him.

"OW!"

"I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL, ASSHOLE!"

"Yes, you are," Wilson defiantly insisted, "Unless you wanna be fired."

Angie stood up. "In that case..." She promptly tore the name tag off of her uniform. "...I QUIT!"

"Sure you wanna do that," said Wilson with a smirk, "I have a lot of sway with the businesses in this area. I can make sure you never work again."

Before Angie could protest or change her mind, Wilson was violently yanked from his seat.

"Let's go for a walk asshole," Jim growled as he dragged Wilson out of the place.

The interactive exhibit's orientation room, a short time later...

The trainer, the same blond guy who'd led the Carbones group, was giving another presentation when one of the doors flew open. In came Jim, dragging a kicking and screaming Wilson with him.

"LEMME GO, YA PSYCHO," Wilson yelled.

Jim barked "You think it's alright to grope a teenage girl! You think it's okay to threaten her into going along!? Alright, let's see how you like it!"

The trainer tried to stop them. "Sir, you can't just barge in here!"

"Stay outta this, ya fuckin' Bieber clone," Jim barked at the trainer. He then kicked open the door to the actual exhibit and dragged Wilson with him.

The trainer frantically keyed his walkie-talkie. "Security, we have a disturbance at the interactive exhibit."

The interactive exhibit...

Jim continued to drag Wilson, followed by a crowd that included Helen and Quinn.

"I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU GOT, YA FUCKIN' GORILLA," Wilson threatened.

"Don't like gorillas, huh," said an unfazed Jim, "Then you're REALLY not gonna like what's about to happen to you. OH, MUFASA!"

Mufasa the gorilla came out of the brush. Upon seeing Jim, the large primate became visibly excited.

"Hey, buddy," said Jim, "Remember me?"

Jim proceeded to rub Mufasa in a certain area with one hand while holding on to Wilson's shirt collar with the other. The gorilla was about to take Jim again when...

"Here ya go," said Jim as he threw Wilson into Mufasa's arms.

"WHAT THE HELL...," shouted Wilson as Mufasa held him with one arm while yanking down the creeper's pants with the other. Then, IT happened.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

By now, security had arrived. They, along with a crowd of onlookers that included Angie, gasped when they saw what was going on. Angie approached Jim.

"Thanks, Mr. Carbone."

"Hey," said Jim, "Creep had it coming."

Both Jim and Angie smiled as they watched the gorilla continue to violate Wilson.

Outside, later...

A crowd watched as paramedics loaded Wilson onto an ambulance while zookeepers were taking a caged Mufasa to be euthanized. It was at this point that the zoo manager, a middle-aged man with receding hair, approached Jim.

"Well," said the manager, "In light of what happened to you on your previous visit, Mr. Carbone, we've decided not to press charges."

Jim smirked. "Too bad I'm not so forgiving. Helen."

Helen walked right up to the zoo manager and handed him a stack of papers.

"What's this," asked the manager.

"A subpoena," said Helen, "We're suing for damages and..." She handed him a second subpoena. "...and the Thompsons are suing for sexual harassment."

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" the zoo manager shouted, "Mr. Carbone signed a contract."

"Which a judge has already voided," said Helen with a smirk, "I'll see you in court."

It was at this point that Jim was approached by Chuck, Jamie and Kevin, accompanied by Stacy, Nicole and Brittany.

"Jamie," Nicole practically hissed at her husband, "Don't you have something to say."

"Jim," said Jamie, "We saw what you did."

Added a visibly impressed Kevin "Yeah, like, thanks for helping my daughter."

"It was pretty badass," said an equally impressed Chuck.

Brittany smacked Kevin upside the head as Nicole barked "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, JAMIE, AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"Chuck," Stacy hissed, "Either you apologize to Jim right now or I WILL make your home life an insufferable hell!"

All three sighed as if children being disciplined by their parents.

"Sorry we ripped on you for getting attacked by a gorilla," said Kevin.

Added Jamie, "Yeah, it was pretty immature of us to act like that."

"I'll never give you crap for this again," Chuck promised.

"See that you don't," said Jim in a stern tone, "Because if ANY of you do, I'm kicking ALL of your asses. UNDERSTOOD!"

They nodded in unison as they all know Jim's not bluffing.

"In that case," said Jim in a more friendly tone, "apology accepted."

End Chapter.