Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
S. 2, Ep. 12
"Commitment"
written by
WildDogJJ
Lewis Elementary School, day...
Two of Quinn's triplet sons were seated in Ms. Duveau's 4th-grade class while the third, Timmy, stood in front of the class giving an oral report. On the chalkboard was the subject of these reports: the person I admire the most.
"...and that's why the person I admire the most is my Dad."
Ms. Duveau smiled. "That was very good, Timmy."
Timmy smiled at the praise. "Thanks, Ms. Duveau."
With that, Timmy returned to his seat. The class bully, Shane Sloane (Tom and Sandi's son) decided to give Timmy a hard time.
"Lame," said Shane, who proceeded to mock Timmy with a baby voice. "My Daddy is the gweatest gwuy in da whole wworld."
Tommy immediately sprang to his brother's defense. "Knock it off, Shane."
"Or what," replied Shane in a mocking tone.
Tommy replied by shaking his fist at Shane. That shut Shane up as it reminded him of the time Tommy actually punched him for picking on one of his brothers.
Teddy and his beat/only friend, Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter) proceeded to exchange remarks similar to how Daria and Jane would banter back in high school.
"You know," said Teddy, "It's ironic how Shane makes fun of Timmy for admiring Dad when he himself relies on his daddy's fortune to keep out of trouble."
"He's rich," Rachel replied, "There are different standards for rich kids."
"You mean no standards," replied Teddy in turn.
"Excatly," said a grinning Rachel.
"Well," said Teddy, "Not only can money make anyone beautiful, it can also make anyone untouchable too."
"Just be greatful he doesn't have a sister," said Rachel, "Can you imagine the damage that could be done by someone with Shane's personality having both wealth and beauty going for them."
"Actually, yes," said Teddy, "According to my mom, Shane's mom was just like him as a kid."
"Rotten apple fell VERY close to the tree," said Rachel.
They both smirked as it's true. While Shane Sloane looks like a pre-teen version of Tom, he DEFINITELY got his personality from his mother's side of the family and is very much a Griffin.
It was at this point that Ms. Duveau called up the next student.
"Tommy Carbone, it's your turn."
Tommy walked up to the front of the class. As he did so, most of the kids cheered.
"Knocke 'em dead, buddy," said Kevin Jr.
Three girls in the class were staring admiringly at Tommy. One was a raven haired girl named Jenny while the second was a redhead named Jessie and the third a blond named Janey.
"He's soooooo cute," said a visibly smitten Jenny as she stared at Tommy.
Added the equally smitten Jessie "I loooovvveee Tommy Carbone."
"Tommy Carbone," said Janey, "My future husband."
If Shane is truly a son of Sandi then Tommy is very much Quinn's son. He even has his own version of Joey, Jeffy and Jamie.
Tommy began to read his report to the class.
"The person I admire most is my grandfather, Tony Carbone. My grandpop is a former Green Beret who won the Medal of Honor in Vietnam. Anthony Santino Carbone was born on January 1, 1943 in Brooklyn, NY..."
Casa Carbone, the next day...
In the living room Quinn and Jim were chatting with a visiting Nicole and Jamie.
"But enough about us," said Jim, "How've you guys been?"
Jamie and Nicole exchanged smiles.
"You wanna tell 'em, babe," said Jamie, "Or should I?"
"I'll tell them," said a visibly excited Nicole, "We're engaged!"
Quinn raised an eyebrow. "Engaged?"
Added Jim, "Yet you've already been married for fourteen years."
Nicole proceeded to explain. "Yeah, about that. See, our wedding was a rush job at the courthouse because we wanted to get it done before Jamie shipped off to Iraq."
Added Jamie, "We originally planned to do a regular wedding when I got back, but..." He lifted his pants leg, showing the titanium rod that he has for a shin. For those who don't know, at the time Jamie and Nicole got married he was in the Army. A few months after shipping out Jamie was sent home after losing his real legs in a firefight on the streets of Baghdad.
Nicole continued. "Between the rehab, therapy and my husband having to basically learn how to walk all over again we just never got around to doing a proper wedding."
Jamie finished. "We decided that fourteen years of procrastination was long enough."
Jim shook Jamie's hand. "Congratulations, buddy."
Nicole and Quinn hugged. "Nicole, I'm so happy for you."
After ending the embrace, Nicole and Quinn sat back down.
"You guys set a date," asked Quinn.
"Not yet," said Nicole, "But we'd like to ask you guys a huge favor."
Jamie spoke up. "Jim, I want you to be my best man."
Added Nicole, "And I'd really like you to be my maid of honor, Quinn."
"Of course, I'll be your best man," said Jim.
Added Quinn, "Nicole, I'd be honored."
Nicole was so giddy that she actually ran up to her best friend and hugged her again. "Oh, Quinn, thank you so much!"
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," said Jim as he got up from his seat.
Jim made his way to the front door and opened it. He didn't check the peephole, a decision he regretted almost immediately once the door was open.
"'Bout goddamn time, pussy ass," barked Tony as he proceeded to shove his son aside and enter the house without permission.
"Dad," said a nervous Jim as he closed the door behind them, "What brings you here?"
Without answering the question, Tony acknowledged the others. "Hey, Insubordinate Slut," he said to Quinn. He then turned to Jamie. "Stumpy." He then turned to Nicole. "Slant-eyes."
Nicole silently fumed as she REALLY hates that Tony's nickname for her is a derogatory reference to her being Asian.
A short time later...
Tony was explaining the reason for the surprise visit.
"Yeah, dammit. Jennifer insists on keeping her job," Tony complained, "Even though she's carryin' my kid. She's gonna be a mom. Ya can't be a mother an' work. That's why your generation's so fucked up, women just won't stay in the goddamn kitchen. Jennifer's acting like a stupid, woke communist."
"That doesn't answer my question," Quinn practically hissed.
"QUIET, WOMAN," Tony barked, "Men are talking."
Quinn clearly did not appreciate her father-in-law talking to her as if she's a spoiled child just because she's a woman.
Jim immediately tried to ease the tension. "So, Dad, what happened?"
Tony explained. "I told Jennifer how it is an' she didn't like that. Bitch threw me outta the house!"
Quinn felt a sense of dread. "Tony, you aren't moving in with us."
"THAT'S NOT YOUR CALL, YOU INSUBORDINATE SLUT," Tony barked, "Jim, can I move in with yas?"
Jim immediately put his foot down. "No."
Tony's eyes went wide. "WHADDAYA MEAN NO!? YOU FUCKIN' INGRATE!"
Jim proceeded to lay down the law with his father. "Dammit, Dad, the last time you were here you cruelly and mercilessly insulted Mom in front of everyone and tried to strangle me when I told you to knock it off! Yes, you're my father and I love you, but it doesn't change the fact that you're a cantankerous asshole who creates chaos every time he visits. I can deal with that shit once in a while, but I'll be dammned if it becomes a twenty-four-seven thing." Jim paused before adding one more thing. "AND QUIT CALLING MY WIFE AN INSUBORDINATE SLUT!"
Tony was taken aback. "Boy," he growled, "You'd best watch your tone wit' me. I killed a hundred commies in 'Nam!"
Jim rubbed his temples. "That's exactly my point, Dad," he said, "Look, you're my father and I do my best to be a good son, but I can only do so much. You treat me like some stupid kid despite the fact that I'm a forty-one-year-old man with a wife, kids and his own business. You constantly bully and disrespect my wife and give us both shit for being business partners as well as spouses. You fill my sons' heads with a bunch of toxic ideas that I don't want them having. For all those reasons I can't take you in. I'll help you any way I can, but you aren't moving in with us."
"Dammit, Jim," said Tony, "Where the hell am I supposed to go, then?"
"Well," said Jim, "You have another son who lives right across the street from us."
Chris's house, a short time later...
Jim and Tony were at the front door explaining the situation to Chris.
"Of course I'll take you in," said the desperately lonely Chris, "It'd be nice to have someone else in the house."
With that, Chris let both his father and brother in. Upon seeing the appalling state of Chris's home, however, both Jim and Tony cringed with disgust. There were dirty dishes all over the place, clothes and magazines strewn all over the floor, visible rot on the walls, a thick film of dust on everything and a rancid smell whose source is a mystery even to Chris. Jim saw a rat gnawing on the wall in the dinning room. Looking at the kitchen, Tony saw cockroaches crawling on mountains of dishes that had weeks-old food crusted all over.
Tony finally turned to Jim. "You gotta be shitting me! I'm supposed to live in this fuckin' bio-hazard. I'm eighty years old, for chrissake!"
Jim sighed as he was forced to admit that his father had a point.
Pizza Prince, a few days later...
Quinn and Nicole were chatting over pizza. By chatting, I mean that Quinn was bitching to her best friend about recent developments.
"...so now I have no choice but to tolerate that psycho under my roof...UGH!" Quinn punctuated this by knocking over her soda.
"Whoa! Calm down, Quinn," admonished Nicole, "It sucks, but it's unavoidable under the circumstances. I mean, my father never warmed up to Jamie but we still tolerate him. When you marry someone, you're basically agreeing to take on all of their baggage as your own."
Calming down, Quinn said "I know. It's just so frustrating. Not only is my father-in-law a toxic asshole, but my husband constantly enables him!"
"Quinn," said Nicole, "Tony's Jim's father. Could you so easily turn your back on something like that?"
"My father's not a psycho misogynist," said Quinn.
"Would it matter to you if he was," asked Nicole.
Quinn sighed. "I see your point. Also, Jim's family background makes this an unavoidable fact of life. I know all too well that blood ties are sacred to Italians. Asking Jim to permanently sever ties is essentially asking him to renounce his humanity. I just wish honor didn't have such a high price tag."
Nicole spoke some wisdom of her own. "Granted, I suffer abuse from Tony due to both my gender and my race, but I tolerate it because you're my best friend. Also, being from a Japanese family, I can totally understand the honor aspect of it. My family comes from a culture that's famous for being obsessed with honor and obligation." Nicole sighed before continuing. "That's why my father always had a problem with Jamie. Dad hates the fact that my husband isn't a doctor or lawyer. He's also not too thrilled that instead of doing a proper wedding, Jamie and I just ran off to the nearest courthouse and eloped. That's another reason we're renewing our vows. I'm hoping that if we do it right this time then maybe Dad'll FINALLY warm up to Jamie."
Quinn began to feel better. "I guess we have that in common. Fortunately, I did lay down some ground rules and we both told Tony in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't behave himself then he's going into the garbage dump otherwise known as Chris's house."
Nicole stifled a giggle, knowing full well that Jim's brother doesn't lift a finger to keep his house in livable condition. "How he hasn't caught some disease from the Middle Ages I'll never know."
Quinn stifled her own laugh. "I just hope Tony behaves himself. While I wouldn't mind it I don't think Jim's capable of throwing his father under the bus."
Casa Carbone, a few days later...
Jim was in the upstairs hallway, walking towards the guest room. He knocked on the door.
"Dad, it's time to go get your new driver's license."
There was no response. Jim immediately opened the door to find the room empty. All of Tony's stuff was there, so Jim knew his father didn't just take off. He turned around and went to Tommy's room. Inside, Tommy and Timmy were playing video games on the Xbox.
"Boys," said Jim, "You seen your grandfather?"
The boys remained focused on playing a racing video game.
"Hey, Earnhardt and Andretti," said Jim, "You hear me?"
"Grandpop's not here," said Timmy without looking away from the screen.
"Haven't seen him," said an equally entranced Tommy.
Jim let them get back to their game and made his way to Teddy's room. Inside, Teddy was reading a book.
"Teddy," said Jim, "You seen your grandfather?"
Teddy looked up from his book. "No, but I heard a car drive off earlier. Maybe grandpop went for a drive."
"I hope not," said Jim, "I need to take him to the DMV for a new driver's license and tag for his truck."
"Actually," said Teddy, "I'm surprised you're here."
Jim raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because the car I heard leaving sounded like your Camaro."
Jim's face turned white as a sheet. "Oh, God, no!"
He ran out of the room and into the upstairs bathroom, which was right across from Teddy's room and had a window with a perfect view of the driveway. Jim looked out the window and gasped in horror. Both Tony's pickup truck and Quinn's Cadillac were in the driveway, but Jim's Camaro was gone.
"Dammit, Dad!"
Meanwhile, on a street in Lawndale...
Music: "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix
Help me!
Help me!
Oh, Lord, purple haze!
Tony was driving Jim's Camaro while rocking out to the guitar solo. As he does, he's swerving the car all over the place while doing 70 in a 35 MPH zone. At various points, Tony swerved onto the sidewalk and nearly hit some pedestrians at one point.
"Dammit," Tony growled, "I don't remember steerin' at this speed being so goddamn hard."
He swerved onto the sidewalk again and narrowly missed hitting a woman with a baby carriage.
"SHARE THE FUCKIN' ROAD, BITCH," shouted Tony as he gave her the finger and swerved back onto the street. Once his eyes were back on the road, Tony noticed that he was about to crash into a parked Mercedes. "GAH! FUCK!"
Tony slammed on the breaks, but it was too late. All he could do was significantly reduce the impact as he slammed into the side of the parked car, knocking it into the middle of the road. However, Tony was able to stop the Camaro before hitting a brick wall head on.
"Damn, that was close!"
At this point, he heard a siren and saw the blue lights of an approaching police car.
"GOD-FUCKIN'-DAMMIT!"
The police car came to a stop and the officer, a black woman in her mid-thirties, stepped out. Tony fixed his hair before rolling down the window.
"License and registration," said the officer.
"You bet, babe," said Tony.
"Don't call me 'babe', sir," said the female officer.
"Call me Tony," he said in turn, "You single?"
The cop was taken aback. "Excuse me!"
Tony spoke in a suggestive tone as he said "I'd love to have me some sweet chocolate, hot stuff."
The policewoman was highly offended at being sexually harassed and addressed with a racial epithet. Only her police training and years on the force stopped her from smacking Tony on the spot.
"Sir," she said, "Have you been drinking?"
"No," said Tony, "But howzabout when ya get off duty we go get good an' smashed, then head to yer place sos I can show ya just how much of a real man I am."
The policewoman got a breathalizer out of her pocket. "Step out of the car, sir," she ordered.
Tony did as she said. She immediately stuck the device in his mouth.
"Breathe out, sir!"
Tony blew into the breathilizer. The policewoman took it out of his mouth and looked. "Well, you've been drinking, but you're under the legal limit." Putting the breathilizer up, she looked at Tony. "I take it you're aware of why I pulled you over. I'm afraid I have to sight you for reckless driving."
"C'mon," said Tony, "I'm a war hero. Killed me a hundred commies in 'Nam."
"Sir," said the increasingly impatient policewoman, "You were still breaking the law. Frankly, you're lucky I'm not also nailing you for failure to cooperate with an officer."
"Oh, yeah," said Tony, "I love 'em feisty." He followed the up by actually slapping her one the ass.
The policewoman gasped in shock. A second later, she regained her composure, grabbed Tony, spun him around and bent him over the hood of her car. Then she got out the hnadcuffs.
"You're under arrest!"
Act II
Better Days Nursing Home, day...
Quinn's Cadillac pulled into a parking space. Once the car was parked and shut off, Quinn stepped out of the driver's side while Jim emerged from the passenger side. Jim's eighty-year-old father, Tony, emerged from the back seat.
"Well, Tony," said a very happy Quinn, "Here we are, your new home?"
"Much as I enjoyed riding in a top of the line Caddy," Tony growled, "I can't believe youse guys are dumping me in a commune for old farts."
"Dad," said Jim, "When we decided to let you live with us we made it pretty damn clear where the line was and what would happen if you crossed it. You wanna be pissed at someone, look in the mirror."
"So I took your Camaro joyridin'," said Tony, "So what?"
"So," said Quinn, "You wrecked my husband's car, someone else's car, recklessly endangered pedestrians AND sexually harassed a female officer. Do you have any idea how many favors we had to call in to get the charges against you dropped?"
"I wasn't speaking to you, woman," Tony barked.
"HEY," Jim fired back, "That's another line you weren't to cross, disrespecting my wife. I'm sorry, Dad, but we gave you a chance and you blew it."
inside, a short time later...
Quinn, Jim and Tony were being given the grand tour. The tour guide was an attractive brunette around Quinn and Jim's age.
"...so, as you can see," said the guide, "Better Days has some of the finest recreational facilities in the state, allowing the elderly to enjoy their twilight years in a structured environment tailored to their unique needs."
Jim was visibly apprehensive as it's obvious that this place seems to treat it's residents as if they're children in a day care center. He knew his father would chafe under the restrictions, but there was nothing he could do.
Quinn, on the other hand, visibly relished the idea that Tony would now be in an environment where it's impossible for him to cause trouble.
The tour guide continued her spiel as they passed the cafeteria. "We have breakfast at eight, lunch at noon and dinner at six. Attendance by all residents is mandatory. Also, mandatory nap time from three to five in the afternoon and mandatory group play in the rec room from nine until noon."
That raised red flags with Jim. "Sounds more like a prison than a home."
The guide shrugged this off. "I assure you, Mr. Carbone, this is a residence. We just control the environment because it's not good for the elderly to be over-stimulated. People of advanced age need routine and regimentation."
"Wonderful," said Quinn, clearly overjoyed that Tony's effectively losing his freedom, "You like regimentation, don't you, Tony?"
"Kiss my ass, you fuckin' bitch," Tony growled.
"No swearing," the guide said in a firm tone.
"You gotta be shitting me," Jim muttered under his breath.
The guide regained her composure. "So, Mr. Carbone," she said to Tony, "Are you looking forward to the most rewarding chapter of your life?"
Tony spoke to the woman in a suggestive tone. "No, but I'm looking forward to gettin' to know a beautiful young thing like you."
The tour guide was visibly flattered. "Awww, that's so cute," she said as if speaking to a toddler, "You got a little crush. You're just a sweet little thing, aren't you?"
Mistaking her cutsey talk for sexual interest, Tony said "The sweetest. Where can I change into something more comfortable, hot stuff?"
The tour guide continued to not take Tony seriously. "Awww," she said in the cutsey voice, "Did somebody have a little accident in his pants?"
"Nothin' accidental 'boudit, sexy," said Tony, "Hottie like you's givin, me a steel hard-on. Whaddaya say? You wanna get wit' a real man! I killed a hundred commies in 'Nam!"
"No sex," said the tour guide in her regular voice, "No sex, no porn and no masturbation."
"Thought this was an old folks home," replied a disappointed Tony, "Not a monastery."
The tour guide once again spoke to Tony as if he were a preschooler. "That's very naughty! I think someone needs a time out!"
Seeing his father treated like a small child made Jim VERY uncomfortable while Quinn visibly enjoyed watching Tony be humiliated and powerless to do anything about it.
Pizza Prince, the next day...
Quinn was telling Nicole everything that happened the previous day.
"It was the greatest afternoon of my life," said Quinn in a giddy voice, "God, I love karma."
"You seem really happy about it," Nicole pointed out.
"Duh," said Quinn, "After years of him treating me like something to be controlled it's a real kick to see that old bastard get a taste of his own medicine."
Nicole sighed. "Granted, Tony's an insufferable bastard, but isn't this a bit much. He's basically being institutionalized."
"So," Quinn replied, "It's been a long time coming."
"Quinn," said Nicole, "He may deserve to lose his freedom, but your reaction to it's got me a little concerned."
Quinn was surprised. "Nicole, have you forgotten all the times he's verbally abused you with both racist and sexist epithets, often in the same sentence?"
"No," said Nicole, "But over the years I've found that it's better to just not give a damn about the opinions of some old fossil who's stuck in the 50's. That's why, unlike you, I'm not engaging in schadenfreude."
"Schadenfreude," asked Quinn.
Nicole explained. "It's a German word that means 'shameful joy'. It's basically when someone takes pleasure in the suffering of another. That's what you're doing now, taking pleasure in your father-in-law's suffering."
"Because it's justice," said Quinn, "After almost twenty years of enduring that toxic creeps venom I now get to see him kept in a state of perpetual misery."
"He may deserve it," said Nicole, "But he's Jim's father. Have you stopped to consider what your joy in Tony's misery is doing to your husband? Despite everything, Jim's a good son to his father. In fact, on more than one occasion you've told me that one of the things you find attractive about Jim is his penchant for putting family first. How do you think someone like that feels seeing his wife take pleasure in his father's misery? What about your kids? They don't know Tony as a toxic asshole, they know him as grandpa. You think it's helping your affectiveness as a mother when they see you slamming a guy they only know as a funny old man? That's why Jamie never bashes my father in front of Rachel and I, despite the fact that Dad keeps giving my husband every reason to do so. Yes, my father openly dislikes my husband, but he's still my father and Rachel's grandfather."
Quinn said nothing, but looked very thoughtful.
Montage of the next few days...
Music: "I Wanna be Bad" by Willa Ford
I wanna be bad witchu, baby
I...I...I..I..
I wanna be bad witchu, baby
I...I...I...I...
During morning game time Tony was seated across a table with one of the other residents playing checkers. Tony has just lost. He reacts by angrily picking up the checkerboard and smacking the other guy across the face with it. The lead staffer, the same woman who'd given the tour, stands behind Tony and scolds him. Shortly after that, he's sitting on a stool in a corner in time out.
At lunch time, Tony cuts in line in the cafeteria. The guy he cut in front of complains. All too soon, Tony's once again in time out.
Later, the head staffer enters the rec room and points to a clock on the wall. It's 3:00 PM. She then points to a chart that reads "3:00 PM: Nap Time". Tony refuses to go to his room.
I wanna be bad
You make bad feel so good
I'm losing all my cool
I'm about to break the rules
I, I wanna be bad.
When the head staffer grabs his wrist in order to drag him to his room, he smacks her ass. Naturally, this lands him in time out.
Later, Tony and several of the other male residents are watching TV in the rec room and like what they see. This is because Tony unscrambled the Playboy Channel and that's what they're watching. Suddenly, the TV screen went blank. All of the guys, especially Tony, are pissed. The lead staffer was holding the remote in her hand and had a stern expression on her face. She's accompanied by a team of male staffers as well as female residents who complained about the male residents watching porn in the break room. The male staffers break up the crowd. Tony puts up a hell of a fight, breaking one guy's nose in the process. Needless to say, this lands Tony in time out yet again.
I wanna be bad
You make bad feel so good
I'm losing all my cool
I'm about to break the rules
I, I wanna be bad.
Tony was in the cafeteria when one of the nurses, an attractive blond in her twenties passes by. He smacks her ass. A few seconds later, Tony gulps as he sees the shadow of the head staffer looming over him. Once again, Tony winds up in time out.
Later, Tony was outside on the pation drinking whiskey when a nurse confiscates it. The nurse is a Black woman and is immediately subjected to a tirade of racist and sexist insults. She runs off crying. This lands Tony in time out yet again.
Later, it's bed time and another nurse, a good looking brunette in ther twenties, is escorting Tony to his room. Tony proceeds to put his hand on her ass.
I wanna be bad
You make bad feel so good
The nurse responds by smacking Tony.
I'm about to break the rules
I, I wanna be bad
Tony's yet again in time out.
*( Lyrics to "I Wanna be Bad" by Willa Ford, copyright 2001 Atlantic Records)
Better Days Nursing Home, afternoon...
The head staffer was leading Jim and Quinn down a hallway, telling them all of the ways in which Tony's been causing trouble.
"He's grabbed the ass of every young woman on staff, he refuses to follow the schedule, every time he speaks he uses language that is both obscene and derogatory and he's extremely confrontational with both staff and residents. You two need to do something about him!"
"Look," said Jim, "I freely admit my Dad can be difficult. I'll talk to him, but I can't guarantee that he'll listen."
Quinn was apologetic. "I guess we should've warned you guys in advance. Sorry about that."
The head staffer calmed down. "You know, if he doesn't improve his behavior then I'll be forced to take drastic action."
That made Jim nervous. "Such as?"
"Psychological evaluation by a state psychiatric board."
Jim was worried. "With all due respect, ma'am, doing that to my father is like trying to put out a fire with kerosene."
"Actually," said the woman, "It may be necessary. Given your father's advanced age and his behavior, I believe that he's suffering from age related dementia. A psychiatric facility may be necessary as this dementia seems to manifest as violently anti-social behavior."
Jim didn't have the heart to mention how Tony was like that in his prime as well. The staffer then led Jim and Quinn into the rec room. Both of their eyes went wide when they saw what was going on.
"Oh, God, no," said Quinn.
"Dammit, Dad," said Jim.
Tony was on top of a table angrily swinging a chair at some male nurses who were desperately trying to calm him down.
"Sir," said one of the staffers, "It's nap time."
Tony continued to angrily swing the chair at the staffers.
"I'M...NOT...SLEEPY..."
He then smashed the chair over one nurses head. Tony immediately followed this up by leaping off the table with a flying punch that knocked a second male nurse unconscious and sent several of said nurses teeth flying all over the place. A third nurse tried to grab Tony from behind, but Tony used the momentum to flip that one over his shoulder and onto the floor before delivering a punch that broke both the nurse's nose and jaw.
Embarrassed, Jim admitted to the head of staff, "I kinda didn't mention that my father's a former Ranger, Green Beret and Delta Force commando."
Quinn just buried her face in her hands out of embarrassment.
Carter County Courthouse, a few days later...
Tony was standing before a panel of state psychiatrists undergoing a mental competency hearing.
"Mr. Carbone," said one of the psychiatrists.
"That's Sergeant Major Carbone to you, ya pointy-headed jackass," Tony barked.
Unfazed, the psychiatrist continued. "In preparation for this hearing, we went to the DOD and attained your personnel file. It's says that during your first tour in Vietnam, from November 1965 to November 1966, you were part of a Long Range Reconnaisance Patrol platoon. How were those first few months?"
Tony answered honestly. "Pretty hairy. We'd be out in th' jungle for days, sometimes weeks on end. We had to be alert twenty-four seven so's Charley didn't get the drop on us. During my first patrol, I saw one of my teammates get blown to pieces by a landmine right in front of me. Another time, I was right next to a guy who fell into a pit and was skewered to death on punji sticks."
For those who don't know, punji sticks are sharp bamboo spikes smothered in feces and urine. They were usually arranged in a pit covered by debris. Unsuspecting infantrymen would fall into the concealed pit and those who didn't die by impalement usually succumbed to infection. It was one of the Viet Cong's favorite booby traps.
A second psychiatrist looked at a copy of the personnel file.
"It says here that you later did three consecutive tours in Vietnam from January, 1968 to March, 1971 as a member of the 5th Special Forces Group. Care to tell us more?"
Tony smiled proudly. "After earning my green beret I was assigned to the CIDG* operating out of Lang Vei."
*(Civillian Irregular Defense Group, an Army Special Forces program that sent teams of Green Berets to train South Vietnamese locals in guerilla warfare.)
"According to this," said the psychiatrist, "You were there when Lang Vei was attacked by Viet Cong and NVA as part of their siege on the nearby Marine Corps base at Khe Sanh. Tell us about that?"
"It was hell," said Tony, "Viet Cong and NVA were running all over the place. We got into the trenches we'd dug along the perimeter to return fire. Hell, I shot one NVA after he barbecued on of my buddies with a flame thrower. Then, we heard the loud booms. Our entire base was surrounded by Soviet-made tanks. We went into one of the weapons hutches and used LAW rockets on the tanks. I blew apart three of 'em myself, but the enemy just came coming. I ran to the detonators and set off the fugaszzi mines* we had around the whole base."
*(napalm oil drums with C4 attached)
Another psychiatrist read his copy of Tony's file. "It says that after Lang Vei was overrun, you were reassigned to MACV/SOG.* Is that correct?"
*( A joint military/CIA project in which teams of Army Special Forces and Navy Seals were used for cross border incursions deep in enemy territory and other covert operations.)
Tony nodded.
"According to the file," the psychiatrist went on, "You were captured druing a raid on the Ho Chi Minh trail in December, 1970. In March, 1971, you escaped from a prison camp in Laos and uccessfully made in back to US forces. Tell us about your time in a POW camp."
"Horrible," said Tony in an especially bitter tone, "We were put in bamboo cages so small that we could only stand at attention. They only ever took us out to torture us or use us as slave labor. They starved us and only gave us enough water to keep us alive. It was a fuckin' nightmare!"
The head psychiatrist asked "Do you still have nightmares, Sergeant Major?"
"Every night since the war," admitted a shamefaced Tony.
The head psychiatrist looked at the file again. "I've noticed that everyhing from 1979 to 1986 is blacked out. Care to explain?"
"That's fuckin' classified," Tony growled.
"It names your unit at the time as the Logistical Research and Developemnt Group. After some digging, we learned that this was actually a cover organization for the Army's 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, aka Delta Force. Care to tell us some of your experiences?"
"Care to get yer balls shoved up yer ass," Tony flippantly replied.
The entire board stared daggers at him for that one.
One of the psychiatrists spoke. "You've been described as a belligerent, violent man with openly racist, sexist and homophobic worldviews. What do you say to that?"
"What," said Tony, "I miss the old days, the Real America. A land of freedom an' opportunity. It's not my fault that blacks are lazy ingrates, women won't stay in the kitchen where they belong, and we tolerate homos. Blame the fuckin' hippies who've taken over this country and weakened us by undermining and continuing to undermine the values that made America the greatest nation on Earth."
Another psychiatrist spoke. "How do the social changes of recent decades make you feel?"
"Ashamed," said Tony, "Ashamed and angry. I gave my all for this country, and it's people just turned their backs on what it means to be American."
Later...
The panel is issuing it's ruling.
"Anthony Carbone," said the chairman, "It is the professional opinion of this panel that you suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Based on your recent behavior, both have also been aggravated by age-related dementia. You are clearly a danger to yourself and others. Therefore, it is our unanimous recommendation that you are remanded to the custody of New Jersey State Psychiatric Hospital for no less than one year, at which point you are to be re-evaluated to determine whether you are fit to once again enter society." He pounds his gavel.
Tony gasped in horror. He's now being sent to an insane asylum.
Act III
New Jersey State Psychiatric Hospital, day...
The sprawling complex had chain link fences with razor wire on top. Inside the actual building the decor looked decent, more like an office building than a mental hospital. However, this was just the main hallway with mostly offices and a cafeteria. The few patients to be seen hear were escorted by security and had varying degree of restraints depending on what they were in for. Quinn and Jim were walking down this hallway, which ended with a large counter staffed by security guards next to a massive pair of steel reinforced doors. While Jim had a look of concern mixed with mild optimism that maybe this place wasn't so bad Quinn obviously didn't wanna be there.
"Dammit, Jim," Quinn practically hissed, "Why are we doing this? Just let that miserable old bastard rot."
Jim finally lost his patience and got in his wife's face. "You know, Quinn, I'm getting really sick of this. This whole cut ties with family bullshit kick. What happens if I say or do something you don't like? You gonna lock me in an asylum and throw away the key?"
"That's different," Quinn protested.
"No," said Jim, "It isn't. Dammit, I'm sick of everyone's attitude about this. Yes, Tony Carbone's a toxic asshole. It doesn't change the fact that he's still my father. I can't just throw him under the bus. Hell, anyone who would do such a thing is, frankly, a heartless asshole!"
Quinn was taken aback. At this point, they'd reached the security desk. Quinn stood in stunned silence as Jim spoke to the guard.
"James Carbone," he said, "Here to visit my father, Anthony Carbone."
The guard turned a key and the steel doors opened.
The other side of the doors, a few seconds later...
Quinn and Jim were being led by security through a sterile looking corridor. All of the doors were steel-reinforced with electronic locks. Jim passed by one such door close enough to see through the observation window. Inside was a featureless room with padded walls and an elderly woman in a strait jacket. The patient saw Jim and looked at him with pleading eyes, as if silently begging him to liberate her from this hell. Jim looked away and cringed as the sight had reminded him that this place, despite the pleasant outer facade, was essentially a prison.
Visiting area, a short time later...
While Quinn waited outside, Jim was sitting across a table from Tony. Tony was in a strait jacket and strapped to his chair.
"Dad," said Jim, "I'm sorry they sent you to such a hell hole."
Tony responded with his usual bravado. "This is nothing. Shoulda seen the POW camp I spent three months in back in 'Nam. Ya know, I don't get triggered when someone tells me to go to Hell 'cause I've already been there."
"I'm still sorry," said Jim.
Tony was uncharacteristically humble in his response. "Hell, this isn't your fault. I don't blame you for this. Funny enough, I don't blame the insubordinate slut either, though I'm sure she's gettin' a real kick outta seeing me like this."
Once the shock of Tony being so levelheaded wore off, Jim guessed who his father did blame. "You blame Jennifer, don't you? I mean, this whole mess started when she threw you outta the house."
"I don't blame her either," said Tony, "I blame myself."
Jim gasped in shock. Was his father, his domineering and egocentric father, actually admitting to being wrong?
Tony continued. "I got a confession to make. Jennifer and I didn't have a fight over whether or not to keep her job after the baby's born. She has every intention of putting in her notice once we're closer to the due date."
"Then why'd she toss you out on your ass," asked Jim.
Tony explained. "I...well...now that she's showin', she's not hot anymore. I told her so an' she didn't take it well. I'm sorry, but baby-bumps just completely turn me off. I wasnt too nice about it when I said so."
Jim rolled his eyes. "You've gotta be shitting me!? All this because you gave a wrong answer to the most loaded question a woman can ask!?"
Shamefaced, Tony nodded. "She got madder then I'd ever seen her. Last time I saw a woman that mad was when your mother decided she'd had enough of me an' filed for divorce."
"Well," said Jim, "You did physically assault me in a drunken rage at my own wedding."
Tony frowned. "Sorry about that, by the way. Look, this may not be a POW camp in the jungle but it's still a nightmare. I mean, look around you. I'm eighty-years-old and locked in what's basically a fuckin' prison. Half the people here deserve better than this shit."
Remembering the pitiful old woman in a strait jacket, Jim agreed. "Yes, they do, and you're one of them!"
Now, it was Tony's turn to be surprised.
"Dad," said Jim, "Yes, you're a physically and emotionally abusive asshole and shit father, but you're also a war hero and a human being, not to mention a pretty decent grandfather to my kids. Dammit, I'm getting you out of here ASAP!"
Tony's jaw fell open. "WHAT?!"
"Look, Dad," Jim continued, "Last year, when Timmy accidentally burned down the library, you stood up and took the fall for him. Now, it's time for me to return the favor."
Jim got up and started to walk towards the door.
"Where ya goin'," asked Tony.
"To see my mother-in-law," said Jim, "Find out what my legal options are in getting you outta this hell."
"You...you mean that," asked a hopeful Tony.
"Yes," said a determined Jim.
Schloss Morgendorffer, a few hours later...
Jim and Helen were in the living room discussing the current situation.
"Jim," said Helen, "I'm already handling the lawsuit over what happened to you at the zoo. While I'm more than happy to come out of retirement to help you pro-bono, I'm not willing to extend that same courtesy to your father."
Jim was adamant. "First off," he said, "This is helping ME. Second, I'm just trying to find out if there's a way I can get Dad outta that place without going through the courts."
Helen sighed. One difference between Quinn and I. Her husband actually has focus and a backbone. Out loud, she said "Very well. Tell me about this case."
Jim proceeded to do just that. "One of Quinn's conditions for letting my father stay with us was that I go to court and get power-of-attorney over him, so that's what I did. When my father crossed the line, I used said power to put him in Better Days against his will. In order to get him there quickly, however, I had to sign a contract that effectively transfers power-of-attorney to them. That's how they were able to have my father forcibly comitted to a state mental hospital."
"Do you have a copy of the contract," asked Helen.
Nodding, Jim handed her a copy.
Helen read through the contract until she came across a clause that prompted her to stop reading.
"Well, Jim," said Helen, "There's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Better Days effectively assumed legal guardianship of your father once you signed the contract and they've effectively made him a ward of the state as a result. The good news is that this is involuntary commitment, not a prison sentence. Any immediate family member can assume custody of your father at any time. You could get your father out today if you wanted to. You just have to agree to become his legal guardian."
Jim shook his head. "I don't think Quinn'll go for that. I could assume custody of my father, but then I'd probably have to find a new place to live."
Helen made a suggestion. "What about your brother? He could take custody of your father."
Jim shot down that idea as well. "Chris can barely take care of himself, much less a cantankerous eighty-year-old. The only way this could work is if Jennifer took custody of him. the problem is that this whole mess started because she threw him out of the house."
"But," said Helen, "Have either of them done anything beyond that?"
Jim's face lit up as he got an idea. "Of course! Neither of them have filed for divorce! My father and Jennifer are still legally married! All I have to do is convince her to take Dad back!"
"Exactly," said a smiling Helen.
Jim hugged his mother-in-law. "Thanks...Mom."
Helen returned the hug. "Don't mention it, Jim...ever."
Patrick Henry Mall, Newport News, VA, the next day..
Jim walked through the mall that he'd spent a good chunk of his teenage years hanging out at. He looked at a sporting goods store and remembered how back in the nineties it was a video arcade. After a brief moment of nostalgia, he made his way to Cashman's.
Perfume counter at Cashman's, a short time later...
Jennifer was at the counter arraigning some bottles in the display case when she noticed a shadow over her. Knowing that it's a customer, she closed the cabinet.
"May I help you?"
Jennifer gasped when she looked up and saw who it was.
"Jim!"
"Hey, Jennifer," said Jim, "I take it you know why I'm here."
Serious, Jennifer said "You want some cologne?"
Jim rolled his eyes. He'd forgotten just how dumb Tony's trophy wife is.
"No, I came to talk to you about Dad."
"No," said Jennifer, "I'm not taking him back."
"He told me why you threw him out," Jim said, "Look, he's sorry and he loves you. why don't you just chill out and give him a chance?"
"I'm sorry, Jim," said Jennifer, "But the love is gone. Your father told me I look fat."
"So you threw him out," said Jim, "Jennifer, you're pregnant. It's just a baby bump."
"You too," said Jennifer, "You just called me fat."
Jim let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm just going to assume that's the pregnancy hormones talking. Quinn was the same way when she was carrying the triplets. I was practically walking on eggshells after the halfway point. What did my father say, exactly?"
Jennifer frowned. "He said I have a baby bump."
Jim rolled his eyes. "Is that all?"
Jennifer nodded.
Jim shook his head in frustration. "And how, exactly, is that an insult?"
"I look fat now," said Jennifer, "And Tony had to say something that reminded me of that. He obviously doesn't love me anymore."
"Oh, God, you've gotta be shitting me," said Jim with an eye roll, "My father's lost his home, gotten arrested and thrown in an insane asylum...over THAT!?"
Jennifer's eyes went wide. "Tony's in a nuthouse!?"
Jim nodded. "That's why I came, he can't. Look, I need you too patch this up and take him back. That's the only way they'll let him out."
"They can keep him," Jennifer coldly replied, "I can't forgive your father for what he said."
Jim was about to point out how Tony's said worse to her over the years and she clearly had no problem with it. Before he could say that, however, he got a better idea.
"Okay, fine," said Jim, "But I still need you to come up to New Jersey."
"Why," asked Jennifer.
Jim explained. "The asylum needs you to sign some things. Nothing major, just permission to give him certain treatments."
"Why don't you sign them," asked Jennifer.
"Because," said Jim, "You're still legally his wife and we don't have time to go through a divorce."
Once again proving that she's an idiot, Jennifer bought this story hook, line and sinker. "I can come up tomorrow."
Jim smiled. "Thanks. Just come up to my house. I can give you a ride to the psych hospital."
Jennifer agreed. "Alright."
"Thanks again," said Jim, "I'll see ya tomorrow."
"Bye, Jim," said Jennifer as he turned and left.
Jim walked out of the store with a smirk on his face. Sucker!
New Jersey State Mental Hospital, the next day...
Tony was once again sitting in the visiting area. In a seat to him was a guy in a strait jacket muttering gibberish.
"Bills...heh-heh...nothing but bills...THE REPUBLICANS ARE COMING...NYAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA..."
Tony, strapped to his chair, slid his chair closer to the patient, then knocked him out with a head-butt.
"Thought laughing boy would never shut the fuck up," he muttered as he made his way back.
It was at this point that the door opened. In came Jim and Jennifer.
"How you holding up, Dad," asked Jim.
Tony looked up. "Jennifer!?"
"Hi, Tony," said Jennifer.
"Dad," said Jim, "Is there anything you wanna say to her?"
"Yeah," Tony growled, "THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT, YOU BITCH!"
"HEY," Jennifer yelled back, "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CALLED ME FAT!"
"'CAUSE YA ARE, YA GODDAMN COW!"
Jim did a face palm. Dammit, Dad!
"I HOPE YOU FUCKING ROT IN HERE," Jennifer angrily yelled.
Jim had to think fast. As Jennifer began to angrily storm out, Jim took a pen and dropped it in her path. "Dammit," he exclaimed in mock anger, "I dropped my pen."
Jennifer's submissive side immediately kicked in. "It's okay, Jim, I'll get it."
As Jennifer bent over to get the pen, Jim used one hand to signal his father's attention and the other to discreetly lift her skirt. This gave Tony a very clear view of her thong-clad ass.
"D...Damn, that's hot," said the turned-on Tony, "Jennifer, I'm sorry I said all that stuff just now, an' I'm sorry for what I said when we had that fight. I...I forgot just how freaking hot you are."
Jennifer blushed at the praise, not even caring that her stepson was raising her skirt. Jim let go of the skirt as Jennifer stood up and smiled.
"Ohhhhhh, Tony," she said, "I forgot just how sweet you are. I...I still love you."
"I love you too, Jennifer," said Tony, "You're the sexiest woman I've ever seen."
Jennifer ran up to Tony and hugged him. "Let's never fight again."
Jim now spoke. "You guys ready to go home?"
"How," asked Jennifer, "You said Tony can't leave."
"He couldn't," said a grinning Jim, "But that paper I had you sign when we arrived, the one you didn't think to actually read. It was a waiver. Jennifer, you are now my father's legal guardian."
Tony liked the sound of that. "You mean...?"
Jim nodded. "She can take you out of here, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop her."
Both Tony and Jennifer smiled.
Pizza Prince, the next day...
Quinn and Nicole were catching up over pizza. Quinn was telling her what all happened.
"...so after the happy reunion they called the guards to undo Tony's restraints, got his stuff, and went back to Virginia."
Nicole said, "It doesn't bother Tony that he's now the ward of someone half his age, and a woman to boot?"
Quinn waived her hand in a dismissive manner. "Come on, Nicole, we both know what an easily manipulated airhead Jennifer is. On paper, she's superior to Tony, but it's definitely gonna be the other way around in practice."
"So," said Nicole, "Everything's back to normal?"
"Almost," Quinn admitted, "Jim's still upset with me for the way I've been acting this past week."
"I don't blame him," said Nicole, "I've seen you with your claws out before, but damn!"
Quinn frowned. "About that, I've been thinking about what both you and Jim said. I was being selfish. Yes, I hate Jim's father, but he's still Jim's father and all the bitching in the world isn't going to change that. I just need to do a better job living with it."
"That's what Jamie tells himself when my Dad starts pushing his buttons," said Nicole.
Quinn nodded in agreement. "It's occurred to me that I married Jim knowing full well what I'm getting myself into. I don't like it, but I love my husband enough to put up with it anyway. After all, when I said I do I was agreeing to take Jim and everything that comes with him, including toxic in-laws."
Nicole raised her soda cup. "To annoying in-laws."
"Cheers," said Quinn as she and Nicole clinked their sodas together.
End Chapter.