Runaway by Kibibe
Show me the Love
Bella hesitated. But though she was still beyond embarrassed, her curiosity got the better of her and she finally took his hand.
Edward let her into his room and walked them over to the desk that was buried under piles of his journals. She eyed him expectantly. "So what's here to show?"
"This," he gestured and picked one up. "Read it." He handed it to her. She took it from his hand eying it wearily. It was thick, bound in brown leather. Of curse it was classy like everything they owned. They wouldn't even write on random paper. She frowned. Everything here was special. It was ridiculous how even a simple notebook could make her feel so small compared to them. And she hated that feeling. She was supposed to be stronger now. They were slowly tearing down her defenses. She knew that, but she couldn't do anything about it. Maybe she didn't want to and that scared her even more.
She met his gaze exasperated. He nodded in encouragement urging her to read the book. She wondered what something that was written in an old notebook could have to do with anything. So she unwound the ties and flipped it open. She recognized his neat handwriting at once. After she'd read the first few lines she realized that this weren't just any notebooks and she snapped the thing shut again. "Diaries? I can't read your diaries." She screeched.
"Yes you can. I'm showing them to you," he said as he gathered a pile and put it on the coffee table. Then he plopped down on the couch. "I wrote them all for you anyway," he stated matter-of-factly.
"Hugh?" She was getting more and more confused. Why would he write diaries for her?
"Just read them. You'll see," he urged again. So she flipped the book back open and started to read. She realized what he meant. It was addressed to her. He watched her carefully.
I can't believe I've let it come to this. My selfish desire to be with you almost got you killed yet again. I will never forgive myself for this …
He must have written this just after her disastrous birthday party. It was painful to read. His agony oozing from the paper mixing with her own memories of those last days they had spend together. But it wasn't what she had expected. It was totally twisted. It was ironic to read about how he saw himself. In her mind they were so special. Better than her in every aspect, like gods. Now to see how much he despised himself, what he was, what he had done.
She looked up from the book and met his gaze. Staring at him in wonder. She had thought that she knew him, but she realized now she had made assumptions just like he had apparently. Her insecurities ruled her mind like his fears and twisted believes ruled his. Now she seemed to be really seeing him for the first time. Then she realized that he was waiting for her to say something. "You did love me?" she whispered in awe. Though he had said it a thousand time back then, she never thought he really could have.
He nodded. "I probably always will. Our feelings don't tend to be fickle."
She averted her gaze glancing down at her feet. "I never thought you really could. It didn't make sense."
"I'm starting to see the dimension of your insecurities. And I'm really sorry about what my words must have done in that context. But I'm glad that my diaries finally convinced you," he paused for a moment waiting for her to say something more. She fumbled with the leather binds. Pondering their situation. He did love her. What did that mean. Did he want to be with her again. Despite what she did? Did she want to be with him? Did she dare put herself out there again? Make herself so vulnerable again?
"Tell me what you're thinking," he finally said.
"I'm not sure. This is a lot to take in," she evaded his question. "You say they're all for me?" She gestured at the other journals.
"Every single one of them," he said, "You can read them all if you like and you don't have to keep standing there." He padded the couch next to him. She slowly sank down on the couch putting the book into her lap gnawing at her lip. She was afraid to ask but the question seemed inevitable now. "Where does this leave us? Where do we go from here?"
He leaned back eying her closely. It was the very same question that was running circles in his mind now. She had avoided to tell him what she was thinking and though he was hopeful there was one thing he had learned that with her he could never be sure. "That depends …," he trailed of.
She looked back up to meet his gaze. "On what?"
"Whether you can forgive me or not and on what you feel for me now?"
She blushed. "You already know that."
He cocked his head to the side. "Do I?"
She nodded. "You do remember my little episode from before?" She hinted and her favorite crooked smile formed on his face as he leaned towards her reaching for her hand. He stopped there inches from her face searching her eyes. He was so close she could smell his intoxicating scent and the butterflies in her stomach fluttered like crazy. All her worries were forgotten for now. Because with her heart drumming so loudly in her ears all she could think about was the feel of his cold, hard lips against her own. She squeezed his hand and he leaned in having apparently found what he was looking for. His delicious scent made her dizzy. It had been so long since she had smelled it. Finally their lips touched and though it was somewhat familiar it felt like the very first time. Her memory hadn't done him justice at all.
"Wow," she breathed as they finally broke apart.
"Yeah." He nodded pulling her against his cold hard chest. "Can I hold you again tonight?" He blurted out.
She smiled snuggling up to him. Then he showed her more of his journals, the things he had wanted to tell her and his poems.
"Were you thinking about me, too, while we were … apart?" He suddenly asked.
"I tried not to because it hurt, but I couldn't help it sometimes." She grimaced.
"What were those thoughts about?"
"Well, mostly when I was doing … things I'd think about what you would have thought of me." He caught the hesitation in her voice and he knew at once what she was referring to. He balled his fist reflexively. To think of all those guys that had gawked at her, touched her even.
She felt his mood change and peaked up at his face. His eyes were turning dark. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."
"No it's alright. I did ask. It was all my fault anyway, but it's in the past now."
"What do you mean in the past?" She cocked her head in confusion.
"Well, it's over. You're here with us now. You won't have to do this anymore." He said with a determination is his voice that just ticked her off.
She sat up at once. "What are you talking about? I still need to make a living. I'm not just gonna throw everything away and make myself dependent on you." The nerve of him. Thinking he could just barge in there and rule over her life.
"What?" He fumed. "Are you telling me that after all of this you think you're just going to go back to New York and keep selling your privat parts to those lowlifes?"
"Yes! That's exactly what I'm going to do." He stood up at once flipping over the coffee table, the notebooks all scattering on the ground. "No you're most definitely not!" He boomed. "I will not allow my girlfriend to-"
It was kind of intimidating, but she was too angry to really care. So she jumped off the couch and stood right to him yelling right back in his face.
"To what? Be a whore?" She didn't care how dangerous he was right now. He was not taking over her life. "But I am and I'll do what I need to and you don't get a say. This is MY freakin' life!"
He was snarling and before she could realize what happened he had grabbed her shoulders and slammed her down on the couch. She stared up startled right into his face just inches from hers, twisted in rage, his eyes pitch black. "You are not having sex with any of those scumbags ever again! I will not allow it!" He growled into her face and now she really was scared. He had actually hurt her. Then suddenly he was gone and Alice was standing in front of her. "Enough Edward," she growled as Jasper and Emmett were dragging him out. When they were gone she turned to face Bella.
"Are you okay?" she asked. Bella nodded still stunned. She hadn't thought he would actually get physical. Alice sat down beside her on the couch stroking Strands of hair from her face. "You sure?"
"Uh-huh." But now that the adrenalin was slowly wearing off it ended in a sob and then thick tears started to roll down her cheeks while Alice gathered her in her arms and hugged her to her chest. She was faintly aware of Carlisle probing her shoulders. When he was done Alice lead Bella back to her room and helt her while she cried. The feelings where just so overwhelming now. First the shock and then the guilt. She shouldn't have agitated him so much. She had known that she was leading him into dangerous territorry, but she had been too mad to really care. And now everything was falling apart again. He would disappear again. She just knew it. The tears had just run out when Esme came in with some food. She sat it down on the bedside table. Bella smiled up at her ruefully. "Thanks, but I'm afraid I'm not very hungry."
Esme frowned. "I'm sorry. We should have intervened sooner. We just didn't think that he would … I can't believe he did that. I'm thoroughly embarrassed for my son."
"No it's okay really. It was my fault."
"Don't you even think that," Esme was suddenly very stern. "It was his fault and there's no excuse." Bella was taken aback by her attitude. She had never thought that Esme could get mad. Then she composed herself again. "Try to eat something. You've barely had anything today."
After she was gone Bella looked at Alice questioningly. Alice shrugged. "He crossed a line today. Esme is not gonna forgive that easily."
"Where did they take him?"
"Just outside. Chewing him out a bit." Alice smiled. "Don't worry he's fine. How are your shoulders?"
"Just some bruises I guess. No biggie." Bella tried to brush it off. But Alice wasn't that easily fooled.
"Let me see," she requested and since she was already grabbing the hem of Bella's shirt she gave in. How bad could it be really. Nothing was broken that much was certain. But lifting her arms kind of hurt and an involuntary hiss escaped her lips.
When the shirt was off she found herself staring at Alice's beautiful features twisted in concern. "Please don't look at me like that," she said.
"I'm sorry. I didn't think he would have actually been that … forceful," Alice said trailing the outline of the already dark bruises with her fingers.
"Oh come on. Nothing broken, nothing torn. It could have been much worse."
"Well that argumentation just sucks. Everything is just fine as long as you can still walk away?" She scolded. "You really need to reconsider your standards. You should be furious with him right now."
Bella shrugged her shoulders. "I can't really control how you feel about things."
"I just don't get it. You were so mad at him before when he was just offering his help. I admit he wasn't very smooth about it. But now that you have every reason to be …"
"I don't know Alice. Maybe I just consider this his nature? So it's not really his fault, I guess. I should have known better than to push him so far."
Alice just shook her head at that. "Irrational as always. What are we going to do with you."
"Well for now if you don't mind, you could put your hands over my shoulders. That feels kind of nice on the bruises." Bella answered sheepishly.
A/N: Well, there it is. Finally. I'll try to find more time to write this, but I can't promise anything except that I plan on finishing this some day.