JENNIE

Dropping to my bed, I curled up in a ball and hugged my knees. The thrusts of Lisa's body were everywhere. On me, in me, filling my room. The cheerful clutter and bright photos on the wall mocked the empty ache inside me.

For a long time, I didn't move. Twinkle lights blinked around my window and damp wind gusted through the screen, stirring the papers on my desk. I'd opened that window so Lisa would be comfortable. So she'd feel at home.

My heart-shaped box sat on the desk, the lid off. Money stared me in the face. I didn't react, didn't dive for it or turn away.

When the sky was completely dark, I put the lid on the box and hid it in my desk drawer. Pulling on an old sweatshirt and stretched-out yoga pants, I grabbed the pink raincoat Rosé had talked me into buying.

The rain beat down as I crossed campus. No one guarded the back door of Kappa Sig tonight. Grateful for the privacy, I stomped the water from my sneakers as I walked in.

Upstairs, the hallway was quieter than usual, the volume of music lower. Most of the doors stood open, with guys inside parked at their desks, studying for finals.

Lisa's door was closed. Blank. A white slate. Only the rim of light underneath showed that someone was home.

I knocked once, then again, louder. No one answered. Inside, the floor creaked.

"Lisa," I said through the door. "I'm not here to play games."

Nothing.

"Please talk to me."

No response.

"Does it turn you on that I'm begging through your door?" I looked up and down the empty hall, hoping the music masked my plea. "Because I thought you were better than that. I want to talk to you. You. No strings."

I pressed my forehead to the door, ready for it to fly open and tip me off balance. But it didn't.

Blindly, I reached into my purse. My hand grazed a crinkled twenty, and I shoved it down. Lisa's money was the last thing I wanted to see right now. Finally, I came up with a receipt.

I grabbed a pen and scribbled on the back.

Our arrangement is over.

I can't lie anymore.

I want to be with you.

I want to know you.

X

Jennie

I slipped the receipt halfway under her door. Footsteps approached on the other side. The paper slid away and disappeared into Lisa's room.

One minute passed. Two. I couldn't hear the mix of music in the hall anymore — only the drumming of my heart.

Her light went out.

Still, I waited. I stayed in front of that white door, my fists clenched, wishing and praying, until my control snapped and I rattled the doorknob.

"Goddammit, I don't want your money!" I rasped. "Take it back. You need it more than I do. I don't want a cent."

"Well, fuuuuck me," a male voice drawled behind me. "It's really true."

Whirling, I looked up into Chase's eyes. My stomach dropped.

Behind him, Rufus smirked, his shifty glance speaking louder than any insult. James folded his arms across his chest and stared at the wall. Two other guys I 'd seen around the house — guys who'd scarfed down the damn cookies I'd baked last year and come back for seconds — eyed me the same way Chase was: sniffing a scandal, ravenous for my embarrassment. Sharks in the water.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Rufus elbowed Chase. "And here you were saying it's all rumors."

One of the other guys slapped Rufus on the back. "Can't believe everything you hear. But when it's the lady herself… How much did she pay you, sweetheart? You looking to offload it? 'Cause I'm taking donations. All kinds."

"Don't 'sweetheart' me." I cursed my choked voice.

"Right," said the second guy I didn't know. "You're no sweetheart. You're the cheerleader who couldn't even stand up at that game. And now you're tarnishing our image."

"You're worried about me pulling down the rep of your lame frat?"

"She's obviously done with you. Go down the row to Chi Phi if you're turning tricks. No one here is going to step up for Caruther's sloppy seconds."

Sweetheart Guy burst out laughing at this, and Chase and Rufus grinned. All I saw were sharp teeth.

"Fuck you." The words shot from my mouth. Down the hall, heads poked out of doorways. "My relationship with Lisa is none of your business."

"Relationship?" Sweetheart Guy guffawed. "Ahaha, she's funny."

"It's over," said the second guy. "And we're done with you treating our house like a fucking brothel. Get out."

I glared arrows at James, who moved from one foot to the other and refused to look at me. "All that time I was there for you last spring," I snapped at him, "weeks I was there for you, and that means nothing? I'm just Cookie Girl?" His mouth opened and closed. "You're Lisa's friend," I added to Chase, "and you're not even trying to be there for her."

Chase's face twisted. "What the hell kind of a friend has she been? It's like someone else showed up with her name and face this year. A cold bastard who barely gives anyone the time of day. I've tried — believe me, I've tried. But the person I knew would never pull shit like this." He glared between me and the door. "She had a normal girlfriend and did normal stuff like a fucking normal person."

My throat closed up. I'd hand over all the green I earned from Lisa not to cry right now. Like a beast scenting the blood of his prey, the second guy zeroed in the fat tear in the corner of my eye.

"Hello? Did you not hear me the first time? Get out."

I wheeled around and stalked down the staircase by Lisa's room. I needed to get home before anyone else recognized me. Rain splattered my face, and I was grateful for the sting.

Someone was running up behind me, their feet squelching on the wet grass.

"Jennie," James panted. "Look, I— I'm sorry." His eyes flicked away from mine. "You shouldn't walk back alone. I'll go with you."

"Screw that," I muttered. "I'm fine."

"I said I'll walk you back."

"I said I'm fine!" I snapped.

James stopped short, shock on his face.

"What, now I can't be upset? I can't be angry that the person I want has dumped me?"

"Dumped?" James's expression faltered. "I thought—"

"Whatever you think, whatever they think, you're wrong. That's not how it was."

Who was I kidding? That was exactly how it was. Except it wasn't. What had gone down between me and Lisa wasn't the cheap, ugly thing her fraternity brothers made it out to be. It was…beautiful, in its way. Transformative—

But the money. The fucking money.

"How'd they know?" I forced the words out.

James flushed and tugged on his collar.

"How'd they know?" I repeated. "How did you know?"

He rocked on his heels. "There was a video."

"From the game?" I snorted. "That's old news. And it doesn't—"

"A different video." He turned to stare at the back of Kappa Sig. "You and Lisa. You were outside. You were talking, and, uh — it was pretty explicit."

My stomach pulled in like I'd been punched. The night of Scene on the Green, by the tree. When Kai had spied on us. Our most private moment, our feelings, were cheapened into a crude show.

I clenched my fists. "Kai posted it?"

James gave a stiff nod. Gingerly, he put his hand on my shoulder. Afraid to touch me, like I had a disease he'd catch, when all I had was heartache.

"I know it sucks to be…dumped. I went through it. You were there. I can be there for you…" He trailed off. I could see how uncomfortable he was.

Trying to get my breathing under control, I unclenched my fists and went in for a awkward hug to reassure him. Or maybe I just wanted to be held — to feel cared about. When he flinched, I stepped back.

"You don't need to walk me home. "

I kept to the shadows as I hurried across campus. Every so often, I passed people and heard scraps of swirling gossip. Did everyone know? Kai's sinister little smile and flat gaze flashed through my head, and I shuddered.

I felt raw, scraped open.

Who could I talk to? Allison? She was just a study buddy. Maria and Ashley? They were loyal to Rosé. The girls on cheer squad? They'd never look at me the same way again. I'd probably be kicked off for good.

I fingered my phone in my purse, desperate enough to consider hunting down Diana Silvers, Lisa's ex. She knew what it was like to break up with her.

"Did you guys hear about that cheerleader?" some girl squealed at the end of a row of apartments. A group was getting out of a car.

"I always knew they were a bunch of hos," came a guy's answer, earning a round of laughter.

I let go of my phone and crossed to the other side of the street, looking away.

It was finals week. I had to get home to study. But what was the point? I'd worked so hard to succeed this semester: slaving for grades, saving my cash. Now I couldn't fathom coming back in the fall.

As rain pounded the sidewalk, I imagined Lisa racing to find me in the storm, the sound of her feet dashing after me. Arms wrapping around me, hugging me close. Her panting into my hair, Sorry, so sorry, baby, let me hold you, I love you.

I stopped in front of an apartment building. Without realizing it, I'd walked straight to the one person I could actually talk to. Climbing the stairs, I knocked on the door. It creaked open.

"Oh," breathed a guy I didn't recognize. "Hi." He adjusted his black-rimmed glasses.

"Hi." I crossed my arms. "Is Lucas home?"

"Ah…no. Wanna come in and wait?" He gave me a sweet, stoned smile.

I hugged myself tighter. "Nah, I'll just stay out here."

"You sure about that? It's warmer inside."

I nodded.

"Smoke?" He held up his pipe.

"No. Do you live here?"

"Mm-hm. I'm Russell. Who're you?"

Huddling against the wall, I rubbed my temples. "Good question."

He hovered on the threshold. Finally he gave up on an answer, his blurred gaze traveling to my ankles. "I like your socks."

What the hell. Russell was too baked to harass me — I hoped. I followed him in, took off my raincoat, and hung it over a chair.

Once I curled up on the futon, Russell happily ignored me. He switched off between leafing through a book that may have been for finals and plinking the piano in the corner with one hand. I watched his brown fingers on the keys. The storm battered the window panes.

Either Russell didn't follow campus rumors, or he didn't care. Finally, I stretched my legs and stood.

"Is Lucas…coming home soon?"

Russell swiveled slowly from the piano bench. "No clue."

"So you invited me in, but he might be out all night?"

"Ah, yeah." He giggled. "I mean, he'll come home eventually. Maybe tomorrow, so…feel free to stay. Folks crash here all the time. You look, uh, you know. Bedraggled. Futon's yours if you want it."

I dialed Lucas's number — no response — and texted him. Can I talk to you? I was desperate for one word of sympathy from someone who wouldn't judge me. Nothing came back. When I put on my raincoat, it was still wet.

"I miss her," I said to Russell. "I know you have no idea what I'm talking about, but I just need to tell someone. I'm so mad at her, and I miss her so much it physically hurts, and it's not the kind of pain that feels good."

He blinked long lashes behind his glasses. "You mean Lucas?"

"No. The person I'm — the person I loved. Fuck it, I still love her." Saying it out loud, to a stranger, made it real.

He bestowed his sweet smile on me. "'Course you do. Don't we all."

The rain was relentless. I pushed through, holding my hood tight around my face, until I reached my apartment. All I wanted was the safety of my room, where no one could hurt me or dig up my secrets.

When I got to the top of the stairs, Jisoo was waiting for me.