Chapter 6 – Victor of the 67th Annual Hunger Games

Merliah's POV

It's been six months...six months since I won the 67th Hunger Games and not a day went by that I wasn't plagued by the eyes of the tributes that I had killed, the girl from Seven, the girl from Eleven Heaven and Augustus from One, I watched myself take their lives every night in my sleep and my subconscious even tortured me with images of Trevor calling out for my help only for me to watch him die and most nights I woke Kairi and my Mom from screaming until they had to ran and get Mags to calm me down as in those states, only she could snap me out of the nightmares and terrors that plagued my every day.

Throughout the day I did everything I could to distract myself and get on with my life, even though I no longer had to fish for the Capitol's money I still went out every morning at dawn as I'd be awake anyway since fishing brought me calm and kept me sane from the familiarity of the simple task and what I didn't use for ourselves I gave to the markets with no charge seeing as I didn't need the extra food or money.

Finnick often found me out by our old beach checking the traps that I would set each day or collecting shells and oysters by the rock pools but we barely spoke to one another unless we had to, I knew I was hurting him but right now I was just too broken to focus on anything besides myself as I was barely holding myself together and I didn't want to ruin what we already had by forcing a relationship with him, I still loved him I always would but I couldn't give him what he needed right now.

Nori still had yet to speak with me, whenever we happened to see each other in town she made it her mission to turn and walk away and I tried so hard to give her space but each day it was getting harder to keep my head above the water of life as a Victor and really wished things just went back to normal and I had my two best friends again but knew it would never happen.

To make matters even worse today I was supposed to set out on my Victory Tour which I knew was just going to throw me right back in the deep end, I had tried to distract myself this morning by keeping up with my morning ritual and was just returning from giving away my catches at the markets along with some stuff that we needed for home and for Mags as she wasn't able to get to the markets much anymore with her old knees and I was just about to walk into her home when the door opened and I crashed into a solid chest.

"Lia...I'm sorry" he apologized and I nodded.

"It's okay" I stepped to the left but he had stepped to his right, I went the other way and so did he before he smiled and grabbed my shoulders moving me past him so our positions were swapped.

"Coming from the markets?" he asked looking down at my net bag which held a couple loafs of bread.

"Yeah" I nodded looking down at the ground nervously. "Well I should-" I pointed behind me gesturing that I should go inside.

"Of course, I'll see you on the train"

"You're coming?" I questioned before rolling my eyes at myself. "Of course you're coming, you're my mentor"

"How are you, you feeling okay?"

"Yeah...yeah" I nodded before shaking my head. "No" I admitted and his smile dropped.

"Well you know I'm here for you"

"Yeah I know" I finally managed to smile at him before I headed inside.

"Hey sweetie" Mags greeted and I put down the bag and pulled out some of the shellfish that I had gathered this morning along with the fresh bread.

"Is there anything else you need?" I asked her, she smiled shaking her head.

"No, between you and Finnick I'm well taken care of"

"It's the least I can do" I told her and meant it since she'd done so much for me these past six months and helping out with my games that I owed her more than I could ever return.

"You're prep-team will be here soon, you might want go home and get ready" she tapped my cheek and I let out a sigh nodding my head.

"Let me know if you need anything else" she nodded and I walked out walking next door to my place seeing my Mom in the kitchen with Kairi sitting at the kitchen bench eating breakfast.

"Morning sweetheart"

"Morning Mom" I placed the last loaf of bread on the table.

"How was the water?" Mom asked and I immediately knew that she was trying to distract from the evitable of my prep team and me being gone for my victory tour, whether for herself or me who knows.

"It was the same as always" I replied before I turned to Kairi seeing her working on one of her sketches, she barely spoke two words to me in the last couple of months after the excitement of me coming home wore off she changed. "You should come with me one day Kairi"

"No thanks" I frowned but didn't press her as I shared a look with Mom before I let out a sigh nodding my head at her then left to head upstairs jumping into a shower in order to wash off the salt water and just as I was getting out and putting on a robe there was a knock downstairs.

"Alright Lia, just one interview with Caesar then a tour of the districts" I encouraged myself taking a steading breath to calm myself forcing myself to smile as I left my bathroom throwing on some clothes before I headed downstairs and was immediately greeted by Ruby's bright smile.

"There she is, my Victor!" she leaned in hugging me and as much as I detested it I forced myself to embrace her back as she placed two equal kisses to my cheeks before stepping aside and I saw Phoenix which made me smile genuine for a split moment.

"Good to see you Merliah" Phoenix said taking my hand in the two of hers and offering a soft smile. "Lets get to work shall we" I nodded my head and was whisked to my bathroom where my make-over team got to work styling my hair and painting my face up with different shades of blue and greens, my hair brushed and pulled back into a delicate fishtail braid that fell down my back and placed into a simple causal blue dress which was surprising but I guess it was to reflect my life here in 4 after the games.

"Alright camera's up in 10 minutes" Ruby beamed and I felt the sickening feeling of having to go out there and pretend to be someone I'm not again, along with the realizing that in the next 12 days I was going to have to stare into the eyes of the families of the other tributes and read stupid propaganda for the capitol which I didn't believe like the victors did every year on their victory tour.

"Merliah" I didn't realize I had tears running down my face or the fact that my breaths were coming out in struggled gasps until I was being lead out of the room, my hands shaking out of control. "Lia, just look at me...focus on me, you're okay, you're in District 4" I nodded my head understanding that.

"Finn...I can't...I can't..."

"Just sit down, take a deep breath" he sat me down and I sucked in slow breaths as I tried to calm down but it wasn't working and my breaths sped up again. "Lia...just..." I heard him struggling with his words before he cupped my cheeks and I felt his lips on mine making me instantly freeze, eyes going wide in shock before he was pulling away and I stared into his eyes for a second before shaking my head.

"Why'd you do that?" I asked him looking down at the ground.

"I had to do something and holding your breath can stop a panic attack" he replied and I raised an eyebrow.

"How did you know how to do that?" I asked him and he smiled.

"Well I didn't but I know that you always held your breath for a second after I kiss you and so I...I thought it would work"

"Thank you" I breathed out grabbing his hand squeezing it.

"You ready to do this now?" he asked and I nodded my head as he stood and helped me stand where I sucked in another deep breath to steady and ground myself before nodding at him again.

When we walked back out he'd dropped my hand making me have to ignore the ache in my chest from the missing contact but with Ruby, Phoenix and the other members of my Prep Team it was for the best.

"There you are, you're on in 1 minute" Ruby panicked the moment she saw me and pulled me away from Finnick's side towards the front door. "Chin up and smile dear, you're on in 3...2..." the front door opened and I plastered a smile on my face as I looked up towards the camera which was moving on it's own pointed right at me so I waved and blew kisses falling into my Capitol Persona immediately.

"There she is Ladies and Gentleman, the Ocean Jewel of District 4...Merliah Jordan" Caesar's voice echoed from the microphone on the camera as I was being streamed live to the Capitol.

"Hello Caesar, lovely people of the capitol"

"Well, well, well how's it going in the Ocean Paradise of District 4?" I had to refrain from frowning at the words 'Ocean Paradise' since it wasn't always paradise here, not that the Capitol would ever be privileged in witnessing our misery.

"Absolutely perfect Caesar, I've never been better" I lied praying it couldn't be picked up on.

"Forgive me for asking but what happened with your friend, Nori...Trent's sister?" he asked and I felt my face drop a fraction as I tried to avoid the tears.

"As good as it could have gone Caesar"

"So you two, are you still close?"

"It's been...difficult but I can't expect anything more" I replied.

"Well fantastic, we'll be checking in with you throughout your Victory Tour, thank you so much Merliah Jordan" I heard Caesar finish out his segment and the crowds cheering before the camera's panned down shutting off.

"Absolutely perfect, we're all in motion to be out of here in 10 minutes" Ruby announced and I hung my head as I walked back into my place finding my Mom with a bag ready for me which I took from her before pulling her into a hug.

"Be careful" Mom warned me and I nodded my head before I turned to Kairi who was waiting by the stairs and I didn't waste any time in walking over and pulling her in for a hug.

"Promise me you'll be safe, take care of Mom and please don't do anything to upset anyone, I'll be back before you know it"

"Back at you, Lia" I smiled nodding my head as I stepped back turning to Finnick sharing a look before I started following Ruby and Phoenix out of the house. "Finnick, can I talk to you?" I heard Kairi call out making both Finnick and I stop turning towards her.

"Yeah of course" Finnick nodded at her before he turned towards me. "I'll catch up" he told me and the others making me frown but I followed his instruction and headed to the station getting onto the train but I stood on the platform anxiously waiting for Finnick to catch up.

"Come on, come on we have a schedule to keep" I could hear Ruby calling out from the train and just as I was about to start panic as a couple of Peace Keepers started walking towards me to no doubt force me onto the train I saw his mess of blonde hair appear from through the crowd with a sour look on his face but when he saw me he instantly changed plastering a smile on his face.

"Waiting for me?" he smirked making me roll my eyes as we boarded the train and the moment I watched the doors close and felt the train start moving I felt the need to panic settle back in for the fact that I was on this train again. "Hey..." Finnick called to me making me look up seeing him still smiling. "You're okay, you're with me and I won't let anything happen to you...especially since I promised Kairi" he said making me finally smile just a little bit.

"Is that what she wanted to talk to you about?" I asked as we walked through the train to get to the dining car where everyone else was waiting.

"Kind of" he replied not really giving me an answer which made me stop.

"What'd she say?"

"That's between me and your sister now isn't it seaweed brain" he smirked making me narrow my eyes especially for the old childhood nickname.

"Whatever fish-boy" I scoffed watching his smile only widen as we walked in and took our seats at the dining table where lunch was already served and I quickly reached in grabbing some croissants since after my last trip to the Capitol they had become my favorite foods.

"Divine food, divine wines...the spa treatments, I told them I'd expect nothing less for my Victor, its all just divine" Ruby gushed to the others all joining us but I tried not to pay attention especially as Finnick laughed in the cute little way of his. "The schedule is a bit of a bear 12 days, 12 districts but it's mostly parties, celebrations, adoring fans to greet you at every stop along the way and then we wrap it up in the Capitol" I huffed since my last Capitol party didn't really end well and as if Finnick read my mind he shot me a look raising an eyebrow at me as if I needed to be reminded that so I poked my tongue out at him in a very childish manner which only made his smirk widen. "All you need to do Merliah is make a few speeches, wave to the crowds and enjoy your time in the spotlight, you've earned it" Ruby finished and my head snapped up towards her but before I could open my mouth I felt a kick to my shin making me lower my eyes and bite my tongue with the insult I was going to throw at her since I didn't earn any of this the right way...I did it by becoming a murderer.

"I'm actually not that hungry, I think I might go find my room" I spoke getting up and walked away not missing the disappointed eyes from Finnick and the looks from Ruby and the other Capitolites judgements but I didn't feel like I should be celebrated and so I walked the train until I found the end and was surprised by a large open viewing window on the very back with chairs beneath it so I walked over and took a seat pulling my knees up to my chest hiding my face into my lap as I bit back against the tears that threatened to fall as the images of Trevor...Augustus...Heaven...Ayla who had been the girl from 7...all those people I had been responsible for their deaths and I was being celebrated for their murders.

I heard the door sliding open but didn't look up already knowing who it was from the paces of the steps as they walked towards me sitting down across from me, he didn't speak but I could feel his eyes on me so I slowly lifted my head hesitantly to look into his ocean blue eyes knowing mine would be red and my cheeks puffy from crying but it's nothing he hadn't seen a million times in the past six months of my post games breakdowns.

"I know you're upset with me Finnick, just get the lecture over with" I sighed turning my head to stare out the windows on the back of the train.

"I'm not here to lecture you Merliah, you have every right to feel like you are but speaking up in front of them won't change anything, in fact it'll only get you in trouble"

"You think I don't know that but I can't stand it, they have no idea what it feels like to be on the other end of that screen, to kill people and then have it celebrated...it's wrong"

"I know but they're not gonna change their views which means you have to learn to bite your tongue and choose your battles" he scolded making my frown deepen but I didn't reply since there was nothing more to say on the matter except...

"Maybe I should've just died"

"Lia don't talk like that"

"But it's true, no one else in that final 3 would have felt this way, the Capitol would have a real Victor and I wouldn't have to live with what I've done"

"Lia we all have trauma, that doesn't mean you should've died and I wouldn't have survived it if you had died-"

"Don't say that Finnick" I cut him off shaking my head.

"Why not?"

"Because it makes it so hard to not go over there and hug you" I replied and he smirked.

"I wouldn't say no" he shot back but I frowned.

"You know why we can't" I argued and his face fell. "It's what's best for both of us and I told you-"

"You need time I know" he finished my sentence.

"It's not just time anymore Finn, if Snow finds out he'll take it out on my family and I can't...we can't risk their lives just because we want to be selfish...we can't be selfish even though...I love you so much"

"I love you too Lia which is why I understand...as much as it kills me to just be your friend it's what we have to do" he replied before standing up, he walked over to me and placed his hand on the back of my head before leaning down to kiss the top of my head just below my hairline on my forehead. "You'll always be my best friend" he smiled sadly before he walked out and I felt a few more tears slide down my cheeks as I turned to look out the back window again.

The first 4 days and districts were easy, Ruby prepared my speeches and I spoke them into the microphones of District 11 ignoring the stares of hate from Heaven's family from their podium where they stood, her mother's glare particularly chilling and her two brothers were just as hard to look at but I powered through it, Districts 10, 9 and 8 passed by easily despite them all just staring up at me with blank faces as I read my speeches and accepted the flowers but when we arrived it District 7 I was already met by hate with the window I was looking out got hit with a rotten fruit and watched as the Peace Keepers fought to control the two that had thrown it while I was being driven to the Justice Building.

"Well that was welcoming" Finnick laughed as we headed in but I wasn't amused.

"I don't think I can do this" I panicked anxiously bouncing on the balls of my feet.

"You'll be fine, just go out do your speech and then you're done just like the past 4.

"This is different, I killed Ayla-"

"While she was trying to kill you, it's nothing anyone of them wouldn't do in that situation Merliah" he cut me off speaking sense for once which made me suck in a breath before I nodded and took the speech cards from him then walked to the doors which opened and I was met by the faces as usual all staring blankly at me as I walked on stage and accepted the flowers from a little girl.

"Thank you" I smiled at her before turning to the microphone adjusting my arms so I could see my speech cards and started reading it trying hard not to look directly at anyone in particular but couldn't help myself when I finally looked at Ayla's family and saw she had a younger sister who looked no older than Kairi and it immediately shook me as I paused speaking feeling my hands start shaking as I frantically started looking around feeling my resolve slipping until I turned back and saw Finnick standing off to the side on the stage and he nodded at me to keep going...to stay strong. "...I want to share with you the sorrows of your losses, the tributes of this district Wolver and...and Ayla, who were brave and noble warriors and they brought honor to their families and to their district, we are all united both Victors and Vanquished in serving a greater purpose" I finished then started heading back inside where luckily Finnick was waiting and I didn't care as I felt myself breaking and ran into his arms.

"You're okay-" he whispered into my ear.

"No I'm not, she had a sister...she looked like she was Kairi's age...I can't-"

"Shh, shh...just calm down Merliah, not here okay" he whispered and I nodded wiping my tears with the sleeve of my shirt seeing as it was bloody cold outside with snow sticking to the ground as we hastily made our way back to the train in the convoy and as soon as we boarded and the train had started moving I retired to my room falling to my bed as I let out the sobs

I ran over the rocky cliff hearing the voices getting closer, they were hunting me and as hard as I tried to run it wasn't getting me anywhere and just before I reached the top I felt my foot slip and I lost my footing so I tried grabbing for any rocks to keep myself grounded but I was just falling and falling before I landed hard screaming out in pain as I felt something break in my leg but I ignored the pain as I pushed myself up to stand turning and my eyes widened when I came face to face with my pursuers.

"Please...don't do this" I begged them.

"Why, you did it to us?" Augustus argued, a huge red stain on the front of his shirt.

"Lets do her in" Heaven added laughing with the rest of them. "What do you say 4, you died for her...was she worth it?" my head turned towards Trevor whose eyes were on me.

"Not even remotely, look at her she's weak...she didn't deserve to win, she's nothing but a cry baby" he said making me flinch.

"I say we spike her head, it's no less she did to all of us" Ayla cuts in with a sadistic smirk pulling out a spear from nowhere and I stepped back but my back hit the cliff face.

"This isn't real, you're all dead"

"Because of you!" Trevor yelled making me flinch again. "We all died because of you, you're a murderer...a killer!"

"No I'm not...Finnick!" I screamed looking up since this wasn't real, he had to be here to tell me this wasn't real.

"Look at you screaming for help, you managed to kill us without wonder boy" Augustus smirked grabbing the spear from Ayla before I watched him throw it and screamed out in pain feeling it pierce through my chest...

The scream woke me up and I sat up gasping for breath as I looked around for the source before I realized that it had been my own scream that woke me up as my mind drifted back to the dream...it had felt so real and my hand shot to my chest expecting to feel a spear through it but there was nothing there, I heard my door slide open and heavy footsteps before arms were wrapped around me as I continued to freak out.

"Shh, you're okay Lia, you're safe it was just a dream"

"It felt so real...it was real!" I argued shaking my head.

"You're safe Lia I promise, you're on the train you're not back there" he soothed smoothing down my wet hair which was covered in sweat. "It wasn't real" he reminded me and I sobbed crying into his chest. "You're safe, I got you, you're with me" I nodded still clinging onto him as I continued to cry.

"Stay with me Finn please"

"Of course" he replied settling down further in my bed allowing me to lay on him as I closed my eyes and tried to get back to sleep.

The next morning I'd woken up to Finnick gone understanding that we couldn't be seen like that and that he'd likely snuck out the moment I'd fallen back asleep just added to the heartbreak that we could never be together but I pushed all that aside with the following 6 days and Districts being easier except for Augustus after my dream but I fought past the judging eyes and distant looks as I did my speeches going from district to district before we finally arrived in the Capitol which was everything but welcoming especially since the moment we pulled up Finnick was called away and I didn't even want to think about what for as I was left with Ruby, Phoenix and my Prep team who were all getting me ready for the Presidential Ball at the Palace.

My dress was a gorgeous floor length deep ocean blue ballgown that flowed out at my hips with a high neckline and long sleeves given the cold and I had matching blue ankle boots on with my make-up done to match the color scheme and when I was done Phoenix was escorting me to the Palace seeing as Finnick is yet to come back which led me to believe that I wouldn't see him until the ball meaning that he was undoubtedly being forced to escort the highest paying Capitol women tonight as her date.

"The Presidential Palace, the party of the year" Ruby told me as we were approaching the stairs leading up to the huge building and lights with the crowds of voices already being heard flowing towards us. "Now remember, eyes bright, chin up and smile as there will be photographers, interviews as everyone is here to celebrate you...my Victor" I hated the way she called me her Victor but I pushed it down and forced a smile on my face as we reached the top of the stairs and looked out at all the bright lights which lit up the whole building in different greens and blues clearly attempting to mimic the ocean and failing. "This si all for you" she smiled and I bit my tongue of the remark I wanted to make but remembered Finnick's words as we walked in immediately getting greeted by people applauding and some even reached out to touch me which made me want to cringe and scream at them but I bit my tongue and followed Ruby into the heart of the party where she gave me a whole tour and introduced me to people even though I doubted I'd be able to remember their names.

The further in we got the more trapped I was begging to feel which meant I was tightly clenching my fists so hard that I was beginning to feel my nails digging into my palms but I refused to have a breakdown here especially after what happened at the Victors Party last year as I wordlessly followed Ruby meeting even more people and them practically feeding me until I was full but I refused the drink they tried to offer which made you throw up to eat more...the very thought was disgusting and what was even worse than that was the multitude of people asking to dance with me which I couldn't refuse even though I was terrible at it and 9 out of 10 times stepped on someone's foot...all this being hours and I had not caught a single sign of Finnick which meant he probably wasn't even here and as my mind unwillingly drifted to what he could possibly be doing I became less aware of my surroundings until I ran into someone.

"Oh I'm sorry" I apologized looking up at the man who immediately smiled at me.

"It's no trouble, it was my fault" I smiled a little since he was more polite than anyone else I'd met here and not just from the way he spoke but by the way he was looking at me, he didn't seem like he was undressing me with his eyes. "You're Merliah Jordan, am I right?" he asked and I quickly nodded my head.

"Yes sorry, my manners are completely gone" I replied hearing him laugh.

"Well I'm sure you've had to use them a lot tonight so I won't hold it against you and besides I haven't introduced myself either, I'm Seneca Crane" he held out his hand so I quickly placed my hand in his blushing when he lifted it to his lips and kissed the back of it. "It's a pleasure to meet you Merliah, now would you be so kind as you allow me a waltz?" he asked.

"Oh uh...I'm not very good and I've actually stepped on a few toes already so-"

"I'm willing to risk it, if you are?" he smiled which actually made me smile too as I nodded and let him lead me back out onto the dance floor where he took my waist and I placed my other hand on his shoulder while he still held my hand up firmly with his and followed his lead into the dance. "So how are you liking the party so far?"

"It's very welcoming" I smiled trying not to sound as bitter as I felt.

"Well you've earned it and I should know since your games were some of the best so far" he replied and I faltered a step stumbling. "Are you alright?"

"Yes I told you I'm a horrible dancer" I replied to cover up my stumble and he laughed.

"You're doing okay" he replied and I frowned since the way he spoke about the games with a certain admiration, more so than any of the other capitol people.

"What is you do Seneca?" I asked.

"I'm a Junior Gamemaker" he replied and I stopped still looking up at him with masked horror, he was a Gamemaker. "My family has heavy ties with some of the best Head Gamemaker's" he replied and I pushed down my distaste as I continued to dance to hide it from him.

"So you'll be following in your family's footsteps I gather"

"I'm hoping" he smiled before I noticed him look up over my shoulder at something but before I could turn to see what it was he spun us around. "So what about you Ocean Jewel, what is it you do now that you're a Victor"

"I spend my days soaking up the sun, swimming and spending time with my loved ones" I replied.

"And what about Finnick Odair, you were friends right?" he asked making me frown just a little.

"We were, we still are in ways since we both know how it is after you've been in the games" I replied trying to be coy and not overly sell my hate for the games.

"Hmm" he mummurs.

"What?" I asked pressing him.

"It's just that he hasn't taken his eyes off us from the moment we stepped out here" he replies and I frown but didn't turn around despite wanting to know where Finnick was.

"He's protective of me, I'm protective of him...were like brother and sister, we grew up together" I argued shrugging my shoulders lying heavily but I hoped he doesn't notice but before he could say anything else the music changed to the Presidential Anthem and everyone turned to the balcony where President Snow was standing ready to give his speech.

"Well I hope to meet again Merliah Jordan" Seneca says before he's walking off into the crowd and I heard Ruby calling out to me so I approached her and she led me towards the front of the crowd below the balcony.

"Tonight, on this the last night of her tour I want to welcome this year's Victor Merliah Jordan, a young girl who embodies our ideals of strength and valor, your strength has inspired us and I know it will continue to inspire us in the years to come" he says before raising his glass looking down at me and I felt incredibly small and vulnerable underneath his cold stare as if he knew my darkest secrets but I also knew a few of his and forced myself to stare back at him before the lights behind him showed fireworks before they begun lighting up the skies with their loud cannon like booms that had me clenching my fists again .

After the party myself and Finnick who finally showed his face at the station boarded the train where I immediately headed to my room and showered to get out of the dress and remove the ghastly make-up from my face before sliding into a simple white cloth shirt and grey sweats as I climbed into bed lying awake as I stared out the windows watching the scenery slowly changing from the Capitol to trees and just as I felt myself beginning to drift off I heard a knock on my door so I stood up and went over pressing the button that allowed it to slide open coming face to face with Finnick.

"Hey" he smiled.

"Hey" I replied turning to walk over to my bed avoiding his eyes.

"You okay, I didn't get to see you much at the party?" he asked making my frown deepen.

"I think you saw me plenty" I remarked.

"You mean with that Capitolite?" he asked making me look up. "I saw you dancing that was all-"

"Well he seemed to think you were watching us intently enough that he sounded awfully suspicious of what we were to each other, what happened to being careful"

"I was careful since I had-"

"A date?" I spat sitting down on my bed.

"You know it's not like that, I don't have a choice"

"I know that, doesn't mean I have to like it" I huffed and he let out a sigh taking a seat next to me.

"We can't do this to each other Lia, we're gonna have to be seen with other people in order to convince Snow that we don't love each other" I nodded my head feeling a single tear slip out and roll down my cheek.

"It's not fair" I replied turning my head so he didn't see it but of course Finnick knew me better than that and reached out cupping my face to turn it back towards him as he wiped at the tear.

"Your right it isn't fair because I'd give anything to be with you Merliah but your right I can't be that selfish as it's your life on the line, your mother and sisters lives and I can't do that to you-"

"I don't think I can just be your friend though Finn, you mean too much to me to go back to just being friends, I can't even think about you with anyone else without the feeling of wanting to bawl my eyes out and you're the only one that I can be myself with, that I can trust to drop my shields around...you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with" I admitted finally seeing his eyes widen.

"Lia...we can't" he shook his head and my face dropped pulling my knees to my chest. "I should go, we'll be back in 4 by the morning so we should both try to get some sleep" I only nodded my head as I felt him stand and walk out of my room waiting until I heard the door slide shut before I let out the soft sob...it shouldn't have to be this hard for two people who love each other to be with them...I want Snow to die...it's the only way Finnick and I could ever be together.

I think I only managed about an hours sleep before I was being woken up as we were pulling into the station in four and the moment I stepped off the train and breathed in the salty air of home I felt myself able to relax just a fraction until I felt Finnick step off beside me but I didn't look over at him as I started walking towards the Victor's Village greeting my fellow district members with pleasant hello's as they greeted me.

I only allowed myself one look once I'd reached the door to my house seeing Finnick at the door to his, our eyes meeting for a second before I frowned opening my door and slipped inside to immediately get tackled with arms around my waist and allowed myself to smile and hug Kairi back.

"You're back!"

"We would have met you at the station if we'd known" my Mom smiled coming over to hug me too.

"We got in early"

"So how was it, tell me everything?!" Kairi demanded as we walked further inside and I tried to smile but I really didn't want to tell her anything since I never wanted her to know about any of what I had to go through so I just played up the good parts and mostly told her about the food, the party...dancing with Seneca... "Wait so you danced with a Gamemaker?!" she exclaimed.

"I didn't know that's what he did when I agreed to dance with him" I excused seeing my mother's horrified look. "Anyway the fireworks we're pretty and after that there isn't much more to tell, Finnick and I got back on the train last night and got here this morning" I purposely left out Finnick and I's talk knowing Kairi and Mom wouldn't understand.

"Why didn't Finnick dance with you?" Kairi asked making me frown.

"He was busy I guess" I shrugged standing up to start preparing some lunch figuring I'd take some sandwiches over to Mags as well.

"With one of his Capitol girlfriends?" she asked and my face paled as I turned back to her.

"What?" I asked shocked. "Who told-?"

"It was all over the HoloTV this morning, Caesar covered the party and it showed Finnick with another Capitol women" Kairi replied and my face dropped even further. "You're dress was really pretty by the way"

"Alright I think that's enough Kairi, your sisters been through enough of your questions" Mom told her and she frowned but when I saw her look up at me she clearly saw something that had her agreeing as she sulked off to her room. "So come on, out with it what really happened?" Mom suddenly asked.

"I don't know-"

"Don't you try to lie to me, I'm your mother" she scolded and I couldn't help the tiny smile that formed in the corner of my lips. "What's wrong between you and Finnick?"

"Nothings wrong" I argued.

"Sweetheart you two have been inseparable from the day you met but these past couple years...you two have been so different, even cold towards each other so I know somethings wrong and I want you to know that you can tell me" she replied making me frown as I licked the spread from my fingers as I finished the sandwich I was making then looked up at her.

"I can't tell you Mom, you'd never understand"

"Try me, I know a lot more than you think Merliah" she protested and I lowered my eyes feeling a couple tears threaten to fall again.

"I really can't tell you, it's not my story to tell and...and it can get you hurt if you know Mom, it can get Kairi hurt"

"If you're in danger Merliah then I deserve to know"

"I'm fine Mom but telling you puts you and Kairi in danger so can we please just drop this" I packed up the sandwiches and walked out before she could say anything else and walked over to Mags house which was on the left of mine and knocked on the door waiting only a short couple seconds before she was opening it and smiling at me.

"Come in"

"Thanks, I brought lunch since I didn't know if you'd eaten already"

"No I haven't, thank you sweetie, I'll grab us some drinks and we can catch up on the dock out back" I nodded and followed her to her kitchen where she prepared us some iced tea and we went out to her private dock where she had some chairs and caught up with me telling her everything that happened on the Tour, she hadn't been able to go since Finnick had been my mentor which is why he'd been the one to accompany me. "Well sounds like you did an amazing job"

"Still makes me want to scream and be sick to my stomach especially having to read those speeches and look at the families of the other Victors" she nodded since she already knew that obviously.

"And so you and Finnick fought again?"

"I don't want to but it's just so hard, I want to be with him so much that it kills me to be without him and act like we don't care about each other but I also know why we have to, it just sucks so much"

"I can't tell you what to do sweetie but know that he's just as miserable, those weeks leading up to last year's games he was absolutely beside himself and angry but most of all he wanted nothing more than to seek you out" I frowned and looked down at my hands.

"I just wish there was some way that we could be together" I told her and she reached out placing her hand over mine.

"Maybe there could be, if you were okay it never being public, being okay with what he has to do in the Capitol and while I couldn't condone it, I see the way he looks at you"

"How?" I asked and she smiled.

"Like you're the air he needs to breathe and you look at him the same way, I think you two just need to talk and be honest about what it is you both want from the other so that you two can decide if the risk of you being anything more that what you are now is worth it"

"I think it is, I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved Finnick...when I'm without him it feels like my hearts been ripped from my chest" I replied and her smile grew. "What?"

"Nothing dear, just talk to him, tell him how you feel"

"I've already done that" I argued.

"Then decide if its worth it" she nodded at me before she stood picking up the empty glasses. "Thank you for the sandwiches and for the chat but I think I'll have a nap now" I smiled at her watching her go inside before I stood up and started walking across the dock towards the back of my house but I froze when I saw Finnick on his private dock with his trident spinning it around looking like he was training...or showing off but more importantly than that...he was shirtless.

I quickly looked away feeling the need to hide as I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as I quickly moved towards my back door but just as my hand fell on the handle to slide the door open I stopped myself as I remembered Mags words...I had to know if Finnick and I could make this work...that maybe we were worth it to try and find some way to be together underneath Snow's nose so I swallowed my nerves and turned walking over and down his dock.

I was watching him spin the trident and pretend to swing at foes with a small smile as I couldn't help remember our training sessions before my games...when things were simpler in the world and with us...he turned spearing out at an invisible attacker behind him before his eyes widened when he noticed me and immediately stopped pulling his trident back and pointed it downwards.

"Hey" I smiled at him.

"Hey" he greeted back more cautiously.

"Can we talk?" I asked and he seemed surprised but nodded his head but I shook my head since I don't think we ought to do this out here. "Meet me in our cove, ten minutes from now?" I asked.

"Sure, yeah I can do that" he smiled making me smile back at the Odair charm radiating off him before I turned and headed back to my place going up to my room changing out of the clothes I was wearing into a blue swimsuit with shorts over the top and a white singlet opting to go without shoes as I left telling my Mom I'd be back later.

I walked through the town center towards the cove but before I passed my old place I stopped when I saw Nori and when she turned and saw me her frown grew making my lips turn down, we haven't spoken in 6months and as much as I wanted to reach out I knew it wasn't my place to push her to talk to me so I continued on finding my way down to the beach and pushed apart the palm leaves smiling at the familiar sight of the cove...another thing I haven't seen in 6months as it hasn't been the same with my relationships strained with Finn and Nori.

I walked over to the old overturned dingy boat and sat down on it looking out past the waves to see nothing but ocean as far as the eyes could see and couldn't help my mind flashing back to all the times Finnick, Nori and I had sat here gazing out at the sight and wishing nothing more than to just take off, to build a raft and sail out to find somewhere else...somewhere where we were free from the reaping's and the Hunger Games but it was nothing but a child fantasy.

"Not thinking about sailing off the end of the world again are you?" I heard his voice before I turned as he sat next to me.

"I was actually just thinking about that, the time you, Nori and I plotted the idea to make a raft and sail away from here" I laughed moving my hair behind my ears as the wind picked up.

"We were what...8?"

"7 actually" I replied looking out at the ocean again, my face dropping a fraction. "Do you ever wish that we had gone through with it, that we had just gotten away from here?"

"Not really, as bad as this place might be its home" he replied making me turn towards him. "It's the place where I met my best friend so I can't fault it" he added almost making me blush and I was reminded of why I'd asked him here.

"I've been thinking Finn-"

"Well that's dangerous" I scoffed and shoved his arm.

"I'm trying to be serious here"

"Okay, I'm sorry" he laughed making me roll my eyes as I looked down at my lap where I was tangling my fingers nervously.

"I talked to Mags and she...she told me to just talk to you...she made me see that there is a way for us to be together-"

"Lia" he sighed sounding frustrated and I understood why, we kept having this conversation but this time I wanted it to be different.

"Finn please just listen, I don't care about what Snow makes you do because I know how you really feel about me and I don't care that we could never be seen in public together as a couple but what I do care about is how I feel about you and I how much I just want to be with you, how much I love you with every bit of my heart so whatever we have to do to be together I want us to try because I want you...always"

"Do you even know what your asking me to do, what your asking me to risk?"

"Yes because I know if Snow ever finds out, Mags, my Mom, Kairi...everyone we love is in danger, that we'll be in danger but I'm willing to risk it if you are"

"Lia...we...I...I love you" he cupped both my cheeks and brought my face closer. "Of course I'd want to risk it but the cost-"

"Shh...I don't care Finn, I just want to be with you...do you want to be with me?"

"More than anything in this world you know that"

"Then kiss me fish boy and let the rest figure itself out" I smirked and watched his lips twitch up into a smirk of his own before he leaned forward the rest of the way and pressed his lips against mine and I kissed back wrapping my arms around his neck as he wrapped his around my waist standing up and spun us around.

"I love you so much" he whispered as we took a breath.

"I love you too Finn" I whispered back in the same tone before kissing him again feeling like everything was perfect right now, nothing else mattered but us and the rest of the world was paused for all I cared.

A/N: So there is a bit of everything in this Chapter, Drama...Angry Merliah, Scared Merliah. Jordan Family moments, Mags guidance moments and of course cute/drama filled Finnliah {Finnick+Merliah} moments.
Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. See you in the next one.