Authors Note: Sorry this chapter took so long. I don't own Sailor Moon. Please read, and review. For a reminder, please note the lyrics are from the song Run, performed by Snow Patrol.

Chapter 5: Slipping into darkness

The first time she tentatively licked her lips, I felt as if I was committing some sort of adultery. I don't why I let Makoto become my sinful comfort. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to be alone in this world...

It was many months after Minako and I ended our relationship, in fact, thinking about it, it was probably closer to a year. That's how long I had been alone in my bed. How long it had been since I had someone near enough, that I could reach out and touch warmth. I knew it wasn't true love. The simple fact was, my heart remained with Minako. She carried it with her wherever she went, and all Makoto would ever get, would be the scrapped remains. Tattered pieces of a feeling that she would never receive from me. My first lesson wasn't actually with Minako, but rather, it was found within the Senshi of thunder.

It wasn't overt at first. Makoto always keeping watch over me in her own ways. Sometimes, it was with a batch of cookies, helping around the shrine, or even aiding in my newly acquired bad habits. Whatever it happened to be at the moment, she helped ease the pain I had been feeling. As Senshi, we continued our meetings, our image kept up only because of willpower alone. Minako was sure to continue her tirade on my heart simply by ignoring my every move. I could see that she too, continually scorned our situation. Over time, her true feelings on the matter began to surface, however that took logic I didn't have.

I had but one simple fear that engulfed me. I didn't want to lose anyone either. We fight, it's a cold hard truth. Friends argue, that's normal. It's expected. However, what is also expected by all of us, is a sort of truce. On the front lines, as I've come to view it over many long years, you don't have the luxury to play favorites. It was why Minako refused me back then, and forced me into hating her. I'm sure, she felt as if it would protect all of us. In a way, it probably did. In another, it failed. I could never hate her...or any of the Sailor Senshi. They're important people for me, my life is blessed by a large family, not bound by blood. It's because of them, that I can these things now.

We all love each other. We care deeply because most of us don't have anything else. In those days, I wouldn't give up, my resolve not agreeing with the way things were...

To think I might not see those eyes

"Minako, can't you just look past it?" Fighting, that's all they could share between them now.

"You're the one who told Usagi." The blond shot back, an emotional rage hidden behind blue eyes. "If you keep bringing it up, we'll never be able to move on. Just, let go of it." As if an apology was being written upon a whispered sigh, Minako's anger dissipated, only remorse remaining. "As Senshi, it's our job to put aside any emotions we have, so that we can look after and protect Usagi. However, I can't make that vow, and I will not compromise her, or any of us. It's because of this, that you and I could never be together. You're not asking for a tryst, you're asking for my heart." It would be a letdown, and her final answer. "I can't give you that."

"I see..." It was the best Rei could say. "So, you'll choose to protect Usagi..." It wasn't a shock at all, rather, a disappointment that became almost a law among them. "Is that all you'll ever want?"

"Fate gave us a path in life that sucks right now, I know that." Minako smiled slightly, although it was empty and openly forced between them, a white flag of sorts. "But one day, in the far future, we'll thank ourselves for all of this. However, as far as I'm concerned, I can not fall in love, at least, not with one of my fellow Senshi."

Makes it so hard not to cry

There I had it, right from her own mouth. It stung, yes. However, it also gave me a sort of admission, one I had been searching for when I first felt my heart flutter at Minako's touch. That she, a woman who embodied love, would feel something, anything, for someone like me. I had seen it that day. Something, it filled her eyes, and within those tears, I'm sure an emotion never spoken poured in vast waves when I wasn't around to see. That was her answer. She wouldn't fall in love with a Senshi, would never give me even a small bit of her heart. Yet, she was the one who held all of mine.

Although she would never say it, I would hold all of hers...

I don't know why Makoto came to me shortly thereafter. I don't even know why she chose to do things in the manner she did. I know, someplace deep within her, she meant well. She may have even truly loved me. It was so long ago, I can't say for sure. Still, the night she came by, I was broken...lost...depressed...I was so many things. One thing I wasn't, was an embodiment of my own willpower. Everyone else that I knew, every Senshi at any rate, held fast on their planetary power as if it were their only answer in life. For Makoto, that could be the only truth for my lingering questions. She felt obligated, and it was her powers, though innate in nature, that gave her the abilities to proceed with her plans.

And as we say our long goodbye

The shower tile felt cold on her palm. Lavender eyes watched as stem rose from her outstretched arm, a deep sigh echoing in the bathroom. The smell of smoke veiled the room, damp air making it that much harder to breath. It was easy to become depressed in such a state, and the bottle of vodka on the floor, drained of it's contents, yet another cry for help. Rebellion wasn't nearly good enough, not this time. Packs of cigarettes littered the counter tops, and even more found the trash bin their place of rest. "Damn." Rei scoffed as droplets of water fell from her bangs, putting out the last embers. With failed attempts, she tried lighting the cigarette, only to have a hand stop her.

Tired eyes looked up, acknowledging Makoto's grim expression. "It won't light." Rei laughed quietly, the chuckle without any trace of humor. "It's done, just like I am."

"You don't have to be done." Makoto told her. "You choose to be done, because you've got no one left. At least, that's the stupid thing you believe." Makoto wasn't dense, and having walked this path more often than not, she knew a thing or two about denial. With gentleness, she pulled a joint out from behind her ear, smiling softly. "If that's all you ever choose to believe, yeah, you'll end up dead. I just don't think you'll end up that way. It's too dark, and we have out own goals. Ones that love simply has no part to play."

"If you insist on smoking, give me some." Rei knew she wouldn't get out of this. "If I have to listen to a lecture, I might as well be out of it."

"You're already out of it." The bathroom was enough proof of that. "Just don't get it wet." Makoto gave it to Rei anyway. "Minako's still around, not leaving you. She's quite worried about you, actually most of them are." Rei didn't let on that she cared one way or the other about what was being said. "Personally, I don't mind. Fact is, you can't escape it, no matter how hard you try, this is what our lives were meant to be." Gently, Makoto removed the joint from Rei's soft lips, frowning when even that didn't get a response from her. "Why do you love a girl like her anyway?"

If only for a moment, Rei's eyes flickered with an emotion that disappeared quickly, and then a mild shrug was the only response she got. "Dunno." That part, well it was easy. "Just do, I guess."

"Ya know, if Usagi saw this, she'd be devastated." Makoto, on the other hand, didn't seem phased at all. "Look at this place, it's a mess." Makoto wasn't about to admit how many times her own home had looked like this in her life. Pitfalls, an irony she had become almost an expert of. "I don't claim to understand you, or whatever you think you've lost. I just came over to make sure you didn't do anything weird at all. Drinking...smoking...standing there like a zombie...I'd say all of that qualifies as normal. I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want. But if you think you're going to do something freakishly dumb, call me first, at the very least."

Footsteps echoed slowly through the tiled floor, and each passing moment boomed. The sound would be fleeting, and Rei knew that as soon as Makoto left she could do whatever she wanted, without anyone finding out. For merely a heartbeat, Rei considered doing just that. However, when the sliding door edged open, her voice slipped her thoughts, some of the darker ones, pleading for solace. "Normal, so this is what you call it." It was bitter, and filled with malice aimed at no one, but the point was there. Clear as crystal. "And I would want to continue living why?"

Makoto stood there, regarding Rei, gazing upon that weakened form before sighing. "I don't think anyone ever understands how lonely it really is." Thick clouds wafted from her lips as she spoke. This clearly, was not her first time with such a drug. She looked almost hateful. Her leather jacket cloaked her in an unforgiving way, and her eyes scowled, as if seeing right through Rei. It was something new for the miko, having old heard the rumors of a girl such as this. The girl most knew her as, and feared her for. She was isolated, alone, and teased for her strength, though both good and bad that it was.

Rei couldn't compare with that look, one of self imposed hate, and sorrow. She thought she could, and acted the part well. "When you have no one you can cry on. No one will tell you everything's alright. No matter what you do, it'll always be wrong. It's a personal hell I've dealt with since I was a kid. All of you don't really realize how much it hurts when you have no one. You've always had each other. For me, I simply look at anyone, and you all roll your eyes." It was undeniable. They all had done that, at least once. "Now Rei, you might actually get it. What it means to carry every single burden for yourself, and realize that the people who matter most, they're too blind to give a shit."

But when the door closed behind Makoto, a new truth came into the light. It wasn't only an act, a single passing moment. For Makoto, that was her life, every day.

I nearly do

No matter what Makoto told me, my heart still felt as if it was being torn apart. Every time I even looked at Minako, I felt it shatter more. Makoto was right, I was blind. I was also deaf, the world around me not loud enough to break through my inflicted torment. If I had simply listened that night, if I looked at her for what she was, and not something she represented...I guess that doesn't matter now. What's done, well, it's done. And yet, even so...

I never realized how much she was hurting inside from our actions. She's always so strong, so guarded. It's hard enough to know what she's thinking when she tells you about it. When she hides it, or simply doesn't say anything, there's an entire story left untold. That's simply how Makoto is. If I honestly hadn't fallen so deeply for Minako, if my every dream wasn't plagued by her, then I'm sure I could have fallen in love with Makoto. A true love. Pure and simple. In the real world though, life doesn't work that way. In the real world, I still drank my nights away, and could barely keep my studies halfway decent in school. I only smoked in places I knew I could hide my activities. When I did, I made sure to do it excessively.

I knew I had problems, but Minako was my main one, at least that's how I made it out in my head.

My mind would play out different storybook endings for my life. Some of them darker, more grotesque than others. Rarely, I would think up a happy one, and get stuck in it for hours, often putting pen to paper. That's one of the bad parts of being a Senshi, we've all had feelings and dreams get the best of us. It comes with the job, and you just have to live with it. I just made it harder on myself. Dreams, both good and bad, are just that. Dreams, and we have to build out own reality. Self pity side, I also felt hate boil within me, I could never begin to understand why.

It was as if she knew I was burying myself too deep. As if she had been there before. I know now, that Makoto's life was far darker than mine could ever be, but that's another story, for another time. I'm sure, one day, if you seek her out, she'll tell you about it. Just don't expect her to go into detail. Anyway, as a teen, my mind was plagued by these two women. Minako, for stealing my heart, and keeping it in a cadge, and Makoto for...well, that's complicated.

She, a courageous woman, had been willing to be hurt by emotions I often repressed. In those days, Makoto shined as a woman. Wonderful cooking, a dutiful lover, it made sense why the boys would use and abuse her. Hell, who am I pointing a finger at? I did it too. Although Makoto is skeptical of many, she trusted me, wholeheartedly. There was never any shadow of doubt in her deep pools of emerald. Then again, I've come to the conclusion that she had to have known I wouldn't stay around. She must have seen that from day one of our dark romance.

At any rate, the night she came into my bathroom, was only the start of our time together. We lasted easily for several years. Four of them, to be exact. In our lifetimes, that's merely child's play. But that's what we were then, that's for damn sure...

More later
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