A/N: In my defense, I didn't really want to do this all about Isshin but I truly thought that he would be the only one stupid enough in the entire cast to do this. Well, maybe Keigo would, but Isshin definitely tops. Also, don't do this in RL. Please. Seriously, if I see another article like this I will laugh so hard I will fall on the floor and die.

Main Characters: Isshin Kurosaki and Kisuke Urahara

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach or Tsubasa (you'll see what I mean) manga or anime nor, sadly, do I know the poor fool who did this the first time.

Warning: OOC (I've always thought that something had to drive Isshin to turn into the weirdo his is, apparently it was our favorite blonde shop keeper), crack, and massive amounts of stupidity. Enjoy!

XXXXXXXXXX

"I'll bet -"

How many times have those two short words preceded a world of trouble? The trouble may come in all shapes and sizes: financial, physical, psychological, even accidental at times. This particular instance, however, was on a different level of trouble entirely. To be fair, it started simply enough.

"Hey, Isshin."

"Mmm?"

"I want a hamburger."

Isshin looked up from the magazine he was skimming, "So?"

Urahara looked him dead in the eye, "Go get me one."

Isshin returned to his magazine, "Get it yourself, Kisuke."

"Dun wanna," Urahara's head lolled back, "get me one Kurosaki."

Isshin didn't even glance up, "No."

"Get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one –"

"I don't think so."

"-get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one –"

"Not gonna happen."

"-get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one –"

"Shut up, you big baby."

"-get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one," Urahara dropped to the floor and started flailing around, "get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one –"

"You're throwing a tantrum," Isshin's right eye was twitching.

"Is it working?"

"No."

"Get me one, get me one, get me one, get me one –"

Isshin's hands were shaking slightly, his eyes fixed on a set point on the page, no longer seeing the text.

"– get me one, get me one, get me –"

"Okay, fine!"

"Really? Thanks, Kuro-chan!" Urahara bounced to his feet to seize Isshin in a hug. "You're the best!"

Isshin went red, "Yeah, yeah, let go." He shuffled away and reached for his wallet. "What do you want on it?"

"What?" Kisuke pretended to be shocked yet a smile danced mischievously around his lips, "I can't let you pay for that!" he grabbed Isshin's wallet from his pocket.

Kurosaki looked ticked, "Then give me your money."

Urahara smiled brightly, "I don't have any!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Have fun!"

"What are you on? You expect me to waltz down the street and magically produce a burger for you without any cash?"

"Yup!"

Isshin rubbed his eyes with one hand, "You want me to steal you a hamburger?"

"That's right!"

A moment of silence, then – "Are you high?"

Urahara pouted, "I don't do drugs. You know that."

Isshin stared at him levelly.

"Well, not the kind that gets you high anyway."

"Are you mental?"

"Of course I am. You already said you'd do it."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"You aren't going to drop this are you?"

"Not a chance."

"I won't do it."

Then the damning words were spoken: "I'll bet you will."

This made Isshin pause momentarily. Urahara had been a longtime friend of his and he knew the sly blonde had never made a single bet in his life that included the slightest possibility of him losing.

"Bet what?" he would explore this venture, but be cautious about it.

"Hmmm, well now~," Urahara grabbed Isshin from behind in a hug, "what would wittle Kuro-chan want from me?"

"I want you to stop with the stupid nicknames."

"It was a rhetorical question Isshy baby."

"How much do you want me to rip that pretty hair of yours out by the roots? Because it's about to happen."

"Aw, you think my hair is pretty, that's so sweet of you honey!"

Isshin tried to throw Urahara off of him and failed. The man had an iron grip when he wanted to be especially irritating. "Cut it out!"

"Undying friendship."

"Huh?"

"I'll give you undying friendship."

Isshin snorted, "Already have that."

"Unlimited access to my shop?"

"Not enough."

"But I'm about to put in a super cool underground training room." Urahara whined.

"Probably violating seven building codes while you're at it. Still not enough."

"I'll buy you dinner."

"You don't have enough money for a hamburger."

"I'll get you an hour of alone time with Misaki."

Misaki was a part-time worker at Urahara's shop and Isshin had, to be honest, a bit of a crush on her. He swallowed past a sudden lump in his throat, he knew this was a bad idea, he knew, but it was so tempting.

"How?"

"You just leave that to me. How long's it been since you've seen the old girl anyway? A week?"

"Two months."

"Okay then, here are the terms. If you get me my burger, you get an hour long play date. If you don't, well, then we'll just have to wait and see."

"That's it?"

"That's it. No tricks," Urahara raised his hands innocently, releasing his death grip.

Isshin groaned in defeat, "Just this once. You win."

Urahara grinned and buffed his nails on his shirt, "Of course I did. I always do. Now it's about fifteen after ten so it should be plenty dark."

"Asshole," Kurosaki made for the door.

"If I may make a suggestion," Urahara called, casually sitting on the floor, "try the vents. They always do that in the movies."

"Butt out." The glass rattled as the door slammed.

"Well," Urahara grinned cheekily, "this should be fun. I wonder if I should give him a little extra help, hmm? Hahahaha~" he snapped open a wooden fan and shoved a green and white stripped hat on his head for disguise. Suitably prepared, Urahara almost skipped out the front door.

XXXXXXXXXX

This is stupid.

Isshin balanced on the lid of a dumpster, prying off the cover of an AC duct.

This is so stupid.

Regardless of the stupidity of the situation, here he was, berating himself for getting into yet another mess courtesy of Kisuke Urahara while committing a state, or possibly federal, crime and choking on the rising stench of week old yogurt cups and green sesame seed buns.

Isshin gave a final straining heave and was rewarded when the metal covering scrapped free and clattered to the ground. He gave a quick scan around the deserted parking lot of Burger Haven to see if the noise had attracted any unwanted attention. As the coast was clear, he pulled himself up and into the vent head first, dragging his weight forward with his arms. It was all going well until he tried to get in further than his waist line when it happened.

He got stuck. Then he had a brief ten minute panic trying to free himself that accomplished nothing but wedging the fit tighter.

Depressed and resigned to whatever bullshit fate the world had in store for him Isshin gave up and hung weakly, wallowing in his misery. Despite his resignation, even he didn't think that he had done enough wrong in his life to be delivered into the nightmare that was Urahara's idea of fun.

"Hiya pal!" the shop keeper jumped up behind Isshin scaring six years off his life.

"Urahara?" this was not reassuring in any way, shape, or form, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh nothing but helping out my very best friend. Did you get my hamburger?"

There was a muffled exclamation of rage, "No I didn't get your damn hamburger! I'll buy you one later, just get me the hell down!"

"Relax, relax," Isshin was not physically capable of relaxing at that moment, "I told you I'm here to help. Just sit tight."

"Get me down!"

"Do you hear that Ishi?" there was a pause, "That is the sound of approaching rescue."

Straining his ears, Isshin heard it faintly. That was the sound of approaching sirens.

"Urahara this isn't funny!"

"What are you saying? It's hilarious! You just don't have a sense of humor."

"Help me before the cops show up!"

"Don't be ridiculous my friend. Our law enforcement officers are going to arrive courtesy of an anonymous tip call, aka my fabulous self. Speaking of which, I gotta go before they think to arrest me too. Catch you later buddy," and he hoped off the dumpster and strolled away hummingthe theme song to Pirates of the Caribbean. As the sound faded, Isshin would have sworn he heard his soon to be deceased friend sing, "Heyo~, I'm Captain Jack Sparro~w."

"Urahara, you bastard!" Isshin roared and slammed his fist against the side of the vent, "You better hope they lock me up because when I find you, you're going to die! Slowly! Painfully! In agony! You hear me?"

The humming was fading rapidly.

"Damn it, come back!"

Silence except for the growing wail of sirens, "That evil, conniving, misbegotten son of a –"

A screech of tires; Isshin closed his eyes and waited for the end. There was a door opening and slamming shut, several crunching footsteps.

"I don't see anyone. You?"

"No, could just be a stupid prank call."

"Maybe, I'll check around back."

More footsteps as the officer walked around the building,

"Still nothing!"

"I'm telling you it was a crack call."

"Fine, let's go."

Had they missed him? Please God let them have overlooked me, Isshin prayed.

"Good evening officers!"

Oh no.

"How are you this fair night?"

That stupidly cheerful voice. It couldn't be.

"Any luck with your search?"

He wouldn't. After everything they'd been through together, he couldn't.

"Didja check the vents? Burglars are always in the vents in the movies."

He did. I'm going to murder him.

"Well, I'll be," one of the cops said, "Thank you, son."

"Just doing my civic duty."

I'll kill him. I'll kill him!

"Can I watch?"

"Sure, why not?"

That two faced bastard!

"Hey there," a hand grabbed his ankle and Isshin flinched, "need a little help, buddy?"

Isshin's face was burning, with rage or shame he couldn't tell.

"Let's get you down."

In the end it took both policemen and one of the reinforcements to pull him out of the vent. Isshin felt like a gibbering mess. He thought his humiliation was complete; sitting in an empty parking lot, hands cuffed behind his back, asshole friend chatting up one of the cops. He thought wrong.

"Mr. Kurosaki?"

That feminine voice, it was horribly familiar, "Misaki?"

He saw her now. She was wearing that blue uniform and looked confused, "Mr. Kurosaki, you're a thief!"

Wha-? "No! No, you've got it all wrong! I was just – I mean – you're a police officer?" he was babbling, it didn't bode well.

"I joined two weeks ago, I'm working interrogations. I can't believe you were stealing. How despicable."

Isshin's head was spinning. He felt woozy, in danger of passing out. Misaki, police, interrogation, two weeks, fourteen days, stealing, that bastard Urahara, thief, despicable, Misaki, repeat. Cannot compute. Error. Error. Error.

He felt a warm hand against his back. Urahara, he thought faintly.

"I told you I'd get you an hour play time. I hear processing takes three hours, at least. Have fun," whispered into his ear from the smirking lips of the mastermind himself.

Isshin laughed until he cried. He never fully recovered from the ordeal.

A/N: Finally! I'm done! Thank you, thank you! Take a bow. This was based on:

A Cleveland burglary suspect was caught in the act after getting stuck in a restaurant's rooftop air conditioning vent.

It happened at Burger Haven on Broadway Avenue in Cleveland.

Police at the scene said Edward Lawson scaled the brand new Burger Haven restaurant early Thursday morning and noticed an old AC unit cover.

"They ripped it off and got halfway in the store and they couldn't go anywhere else. So he was just hanging there," said owner.

The man was stuck in the vent. Someone spotted Lawson on the roof and called 911.

When officers arrived, they couldn't find the guy at first. Then, they saw his legs dangling from the ceiling.

The man was rescued and arrested in a matter of hours and booked into jail.

Burger Haven will install a surveillance system and add a more secure cover on the vent.