Chapter 4: When You're Broken on the Ground
Evan and Connor were inseparable in the time that followed. Inseparable in the sense that they were such immaculate close friends, and nothing more. Their platonic friendship was pure and grew stronger within each passing day. This was due to the fact that they got along incredibly well, and also because they held each other's dark secret in confidence and were willing to go to great lengths to protect it. It was far from the average bond. They weren't going to let each other slip away and disappear into the void because each day was another fight. They had spent so many seasons lost inside their minds, drifting and longing for a refuge – a haven. This was a pact.
This time, it happened on a Wednesday. It was exactly a week and a half since the occurrence at The Boulder when the boys bared their souls to each other and shared their nefarious secret.
Connor woke up on Wednesday feeling pretty happy with the way things were going for a change. He hadn't felt this motivated and optimistic in years. He knew it was going to be a good day, maybe even an amazing day. Considering it was only Wednesday, midway through the school week and there weren't exactly any weekend vibes in the air yet. But he was improving each day and the days were passing quicker because he had a friend to share it with. Unfortunately, Evan and Connor didn't have any classes together this semester, but they kept in touch via WhatsApp throughout the day. They found ways to message during class time without getting caught. They would send each other silly texts and random expressions of boredom along with a ton of quirky emojis. The only time they saw each other at school was in the halls, during lunch, and during their free period, which they happily spent in the library.
After school, they would hang out at their usual spot at Ellison State Park. Sometimes, they would get a slice or a cheeseburger afterwards. But lately, Connor was the only one doing the eating. Evan occasionally stole a few fries from Connor, but that was all he could stomach. Evan just didn't have much of an appetite. He blamed it on the Lexapro and Ativan that he was taking. Prescription drugs had a way of producing funky side effects. Since Evan had severe anxiety issues, they tried to avoid heavily crowded areas. This included local teen hangouts like Gino's and Burger Barn. They've only been there a few times when the crowds had thinned out.
Connor was up early and actually eager to go to school. Even Zoe was surprised to see Connor had beat her downstairs that morning. She found him in at the kitchen table, dressed and ready - with his Beats headphones fashionably hanging around his neck. He was hungrily shoveling cereal into his mouth. On most days, Connor dreaded school and refused to get out of bed until his mom came in and made lots of noise. He was always moody, grumpy and irritable and it made him really bad company. No one dared touch him with a ten foot pole, for fear of him lashing out at them. He even said hi to Zoe when she appeared in the kitchen. Zoe couldn't help but smile because somehow, she liked this side of Connor better.
But today, what felt so far away, brought Connor a little closer. The reason for Connor's good mood was due to the events that happened the previous day. Connor's life wasn't perfect and he knew there were still a lot of things he needed to work on, but this was a major step in the right direction. For once in his life, this was something he could be proud of. He was making a world of progress. And he couldn't wait to tell Evan what happened. Connor was the first one out the door. There was a reason he got up super early today. He planned on walking over to Evan's house and they would take the public bus to school together. This would be a great opportunity to talk and share the news. He knew Evan would be so proud and happy for him that he was getting his life together.
The walk to Evan's house was roughly 15 minutes. When Connor arrived, he climbed up the few steps leading to the porch. He stood on the welcome mat and rang the doorbell. He waited, but no one answered. He rang it again and listened for footsteps approaching or movement inside the house. But nothing. It was pretty odd considering it was still early. He padded over to the window and tried to peek through the curtains. He could see through to the kitchen. The lights were off and the room appeared to be vacant. He then glanced over at the driveway and saw the car was gone, which meant he probably just missed them. A little disappointed, Connor headed to school on his own. He knew he should've texted Evan in advance that he was going to swing by in the morning. At least then Evan would be expecting him. Evan would not have left without him.
Right before first period, Connor waited by Evan's locker in hopes of running into Evan there. He waited until the first bell ran and still no Evan. Could he have gone straight to class without stopping by his locker first? It's been known to happen so Connor couldn't rule out that possibility. Connor was sitting in his history class paying very little attention to Mrs. Bennett talk about the causes of the Cold War and the effects of warfare and the conflicts. He sat in the back of the classroom with his notebook and textbook open to the appropriate page. He looked at his phone and decided to message Evan.
Hey. Have some awesome news 2 tell u. Connor typed discretely, not letting anyone see that he was goofing off.
After sending the message, he noticed at the status bar below Evan's name hadn't changed since last night. The last message he got from Evan was "Waiting for mom to come home. She wants to have dinner together tonight (rolling eyes emoji) Watching The Hidden Life of Trees. Fascinating. You should see this", in whichhe was referring to a documentary on trees. And Connor's reply to that was a thumbs up emoji. He meant it as a joke. The time stamp was 7:35 pm. Evan was last seen at 7:36 pm. And there had been no activity all night and this morning, which wasn't out of the ordinary because he knew Evan was busy having dinner with his mom, and Connor himself had also been busy that night.
Connor taped his pen gently on his notebook, waiting for a reply from Evan. He waited for a whole ten minutes and no reply and no change to the status bar. It really didn't seem like Evan not to give at least a quick reply or an emoji or at least show that he was online. Evan always replied even if he was in the middle of something. And Connor knew Evan didn't have gym on Wednesdays, so his phone was not in a locker.
Meet u yr locker after 1st pd? Connor texted. He watched Mrs. Bennett ask a history question and a few hands shot up in the air to answer. There were still no incoming messages on his phone.
Connor looked out the window and chewed on the top of his pen. Then it occurred to him that maybe Evan wasn't answering because he had a therapist session that morning. They don't allow phones during those meetings. That would explain it, but Evan would have mentioned it if he had an appointment scheduled for that morning. Evan didn't forget these things.
R u school? Connor texted again after another 15 minutes. The bell rang to signal the end of history class. It was followed by a stampede of students pouring out into the hallway. It was loud, noisy, and crowded as everyone hurried to their next class before the bell rang again. Unsatisfied, Connor walked over to Evan's locker and still, no Evan. The hallway started to thin out but he just stared at Evan's locker door. All lockers looked the same, but for some reason, Evan's locker looked rather untouched.
Suddenly, Connor felt a worry gnawing in the pit of his stomach. This was déjà vu all over again. He remembered another similar day when Evan disappeared without telling anyone. Connor reflected on Evan's behavior for the past week and a half. Evan seemed happy and hopeful. He was truly showing a desire to be alive. If Evan had a relapse somewhere along the way, Connor couldn't tell and this scared him.
He pictured a scenario three days from now, being plucked out of class and sent to the principal's office only to learn Evan had taken his own life. It would crush him. It was not the kind of news he could take or accept. Eventually, the hall emptied out and Connor was alone. The slamming of doors echoed in the halls. Connor looked at the exit door and wondered if he should run to The Boulder right now and find Evan. He hesitated and then went out the exit door.
His quick walk turned into a jog, which turned into a full volume run with elbows pumping. He ran passed the sign, down the trail, hopped over the log barrier, sprinted down the narrow path, and reached the big oak tree trunk. Connor ran out into the clearing to discover no signs of Evan. There was no phone on top of the letter, no backpack propped up against the side of the boulder, and no trace of anyone having been there. He forced himself to crawl on top of the boulder. Then he mustered up all the courage he had, not because he was afraid of heights, but because of what he hoped not to find. He held his breath as he looked over the edge to see if Evan's mangled body was lying somewhere at the bottom. It was the longest three seconds of his life. Evan was not there. He sat back, trembling with relief.
He walked out of Ellison State Park and headed back to school. Time had passed and it was nearly lunch time. Perhaps Evan was already waiting for him at their usual table in the cafeteria. He needed to be hopeful. Connor was a block away from the school when he heard a notification sound ding from his phone. He saw it was a new message from Evan. Thankful and excited, he eagerly opened the message. He stopped in his tracks and his heart pounded in his ears when he saw what Evan wrote.
I'm in the hospital. Evan's message read.
What?! Connor typed. He started thinking of the worst case scenario. Why was Evan in the hospital? Did he try to hurt himself again? If he did, how bad was it this time? It had to be pretty bad if he was texting from the hospital.
Connor saw that Evan was typing. He was probably typing an explanation, but Connor had no patience for it. He couldn't wait minutes for a lengthy text. He needed to talk to Evan. Out of frustration, he pressed the call button and waited for Evan to pick up.
"Hello?" Evan's voice sounded very slow and hoarse when he answered.
"What the hell, Evan Hansen? I thought we had an understanding – like a true understanding. I thought we were over this bullshit. I thought we were friends. We made a promise, Evan. Do you know what a promise means? You talk to me when something's up. If you had a bad moment, you'd come to me. And if I had a bad moment, I'd come to you. That's how it works. You can't just go and pull another disappearing stunt like this. Did you know I went to the boulder to look for you? I had to make sure you didn't do something stupid and weren't lying there at the bottom. I was going fucking insane. Did you try to hurt yourself? I swear to God….What did you do this time? What-?" Connor berated in anguish.
He sounded furious, but to be honest, he wasn't mad at Evan. In fact, he was so relieved to know Evan was alive that he wanted to cry. He had never been happier to hear Evan's voice on the line. But he needed to yell at Evan for scaring the shit out of him. He had to admit for a fleeting moment, he did in fact believe Evan had done something terrible. The most terrifying part was that even though Evan may seem like the timid and dubious type, one thing was certain, he was very capable of going through with committing suicide. Knowing this chilled Connor to the bone. He wouldn't know what he would've done if he found Evan at the bottom of that ravine.
"Wait, Connor. It's nothing like that. I promise you it's not what you're thinking." Evan interjected. Connor listened and analyzed Evan's raspy tone. He detected a lethargic, almost delayed breath – like as if he was caught between a gulp of air and a wheeze. It didn't sound healthy. He waited for Evan's explanation.
"I had a seizure last night." Evan revealed. "It was taco night. Mom and I made tacos. Things were going fine, we were at the table just talking." Here he swallowed hard. His voice was rough. "I've been feeling a little weird all night then the next thing I knew, I woke up at the hospital. Mom told me later that I had a seizure. She had to call an ambulance. I don't remember any of it though. You have to believe me. It's what happened. Honest."
"Oh no." Connor's voice came as a short gasp. He was a little taken back by Evan's explanation. "What-….are you alright?" He stammered.
"Yea, I-I'm fine. I would've texted you earlier but they wouldn't give me back my phone. They said I had to s-sleep." Evan's voice was now shaky. His voice sounded like it was getting weaker as he spoke. He took a drag of air like he'd been deprived. Connor could hear it through the phone.
"You really don't sound fine." Connor was getting worried that Evan wasn't telling him everything.
"So, you really went lookin' for me at the boulder?" Evan said with a hint of amusement.
"Hey, don't change the subject. Are you telling me everything?"
"As far as I know, yea. They wouldn't tell me anything else. Or maybe they did and I just forgot. My brain is a little foggy right now. I think mom knows more than I do. She thought it best if I stayed here overnight again so she can keep a close eye on me in between her shifts. It-it would be easier since she works here." Evan paused, feeling tired.
Connor grew suspicious. Evan was a very independent person who took care of himself on a daily basis, especially since his mom had to work at all hours of the day. He certainly didn't need a babysitter. If his mom thought he should remain at the hospital meant there was something more to it. There had to be, otherwise he would've been released today. No one stayed at a hospital more than they needed to. Connor was going to get to the bottom of it.
"I'm coming to see you. What's your room number?" Connor insisted.
"305, but aren't you supposed to be in school?"
"Yea, and when has that ever stopped me?" Connor scoffed.
Connor told Evan to get some rest and that he would be there soon before ending the call. He pocketed his phone in one of the many cargo pockets of his parka, then he headed for the bus stop. A small feeling of fear crept up from behind in the form of guilt. He regretted hollering at Evan without letting him give an explanation first. But it was just that the alternative as so unnerving. He'd rather have someone to yell at rather than no one at all. Connor thought back to the way Evan sounded on the phone. Evan definitely sounded worse for wear, his voice was gruff and the way he occasionally paused for breath, it seemed like he was fighting pure exhaustion. It was a far cry from the liveliness that Evan displayed the day before. Evan was sick and his drugged out voice proved it. Connor just hoped that it wasn't something serious.
Connor had a cousin who had epilepsy. But the way he remembered it, when his cousin had a seizure, he didn't require urgent medical attention at all. All Connor's aunt did was stay there and held his cousin comfortably making sure he didn't hurt himself when he convulsed. From what Connor learned, a seizure should've lasted between 30 seconds and two minutes. Why did Evan's mom felt a need for an ambulance? Why did Evan say he woke up in the hospital? Was he unconscious the whole time? What was really wrong with Evan?
There was only one hospital in their community – Monroe General. It was 15 minute ride on the route 11 bus. The bus stopped right in front of the south wing of the hospital. As Connor got off the bus, he felt a bundle of nerves growing in his stomach. He tried to ignore it, but he wasn't going to go away. He came to a stop in front of the intimidating 7 story building with all its colorful banners boasting excellence in care, and spectacular high windows showcasing the grandeur of the property. He told himself things will be okay, because they just have to be. He and Evan had lived through years of unhappiness and only now, had they each found a reason to live. Connor prayed that he wouldn't be robbed of this gift. He took a deep breath and bravely entered the building.
Connor found out the whole third floor was recovery. It was a massive floor that extended through two wings. There were a ton of rooms. A nurses' station was located right in the center of an X complex. Various machines and folded wheelchairs littered the hallway. The hallway was not empty. There was sufficient activity but the noise level was minimal. Nurses were doing their rounds, patients were walking the halls for exercise, visitors were going to and from rooms, and other staff were on duty. No one paid any attention to Connor walking down the hall looking for room 305.
When he found the room, he stood outside for an entire minute. Why was he afraid to see Evan? He should've been very eager to see his friend. Perhaps he was afraid of seeing Evan's current state. If he looked anything like he sounded, then it was pretty bad. He peered through the small rectangular window in the inset of the door.
Connor saw Evan lying in a bed that appeared way too big, or maybe it was Evan that was way too small. The bed could easily fit two Evans. How did Evan become that thin? He was dressed in a dotted hospital gown and had a thermal blanket pulled up to the middle of his chest. He rested awkwardly on his side with his cast placed gingerly over the blanket. He had a nasal cannula connected to his nostrils administering oxygen. The clear plastic tubing ran from his nose to across his cheeks and tucked over his ears. He looked weak. Sitting right beside him was an older woman dressed in purple scrubs and blond hair tied back into a ponytail. She was smoothing the crown of Evan's head in a tender and affectionate way. She stroked his cheek and said something to make him smile. Evan watched her attentively, listening and believing in whatever she said. He was hanging onto her every word. His eyes were imploring and needy, but the woman was reassuring, gentle and loving towards Evan. Connor guessed this woman to be Evan's mother, Heidi.
The second Connor entered the room, all eyes were on him. "Uh, s-sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Um, hello Mrs., uh, Ms…" He stammered, not sure how to address Evan's mother. Heidi was ecstatic. She sprung out of her chair and came at Connor with both hands outstretched like as if she was greeting an old friend whom she hadn't seen in a million years.
"You must be Evan's friend Connor. I've heard so much about you. You signed Evan's cast. And I see you've come for a visit. How special!" Heidi gushed as she grabbed both of Connor's hands in greeting. Connor had never seen anyone so animated and bubbly at the same time.
"Well, Evan's my best friend." Connor corrected.
"Is that so!? Oh, best friends, huh?" Heidi beamed at Evan, impressed.
"Hey Connor." Evan greeted lethargically from the bed.
"Oh and please, please, please do call me Heidi. None of that formal stuff. It is so nice to meet you, Connor." Heidi prattled, still holding Connor's hands.
Heidi was just completely overjoyed that her son finally made a real friend. She had been sitting patient for too long hoping that one day Evan would snap out of it and come out of his shell. She needed Evan to build confidence and be a go-getter, be social, and be outgoing. In the beginning, Heidi thought Evan's anxiety was just a phase that all children went through, which they eventually grew out of. But when Evan didn't, she got worried and made him see a therapist and then the prescription drugs came after that. Evan never told his mother the truth because he didn't think she could handle the dark quarters of his mind and heart. Or maybe he just wasn't ready to face it all head on himself. His mom still thought the broken arm resulted from Evan trying to put a baby sparrow back into a nest in a tree at Ellison State Park.
But now, she saw that Evan was finally putting himself out there and seizing the day. It was a reason for celebration. Her son was finally on the road to having a normal life with social interaction. All those expensive therapy sessions really paid off. She was glad none of that went to waste. Heidi saw passed Connor's long disheveled hair, black nail polish, awkward bracelets and rings, many layers of unnecessary clothing, and combat boots. She didn't mind any of that. She figured it was a teenaged phase that most boys will grow out of eventually. She also figured at this point, beggars can't be choosers. She'll take whatever she could get. If this was the only friend Evan will ever have, then she had to see past the eccentricity and not be disapproving.
"Mo-om" Evan said exasperatedly.
"Oh, right! Now Connor, you stay as long as you like." Heidi glowed with amusement. She let go of Connor's hands and went back to Evan. "And you, sweetheart, I'll be back later to check on you. Nurse's call button is right here if you need anything." She planted a kiss right on Evan's forehead before excusing herself out the room.
Connor took a seat in the chair next to Evan's bed. "She seems nice." He said.
"My mom - she's so happy that you exist. She didn't even question why you're not in school right now." Evan pointed out.
Connor observed Evan for a minute, just studying him. He noticed Evan's complexion had gotten pale since he last saw him. A hint of a dark circle had formed under each of Evan's eyes. The spark seemed to have left his bluish grey eyes. He seemed skinnier too, but Connor couldn't be sure if it was the illusion of the huge bed or if Evan really had lost weight. Evan's overall appearance was deceiving. He looked quite the part of the feeble invalid. If this was what "recovery" looked like, Connor couldn't imagine what Evan looked like the day before. Evan occasionally drew in a deep breath prompting oxygen to be sent through the tube in his nose. And Connor took note of the IV attached to the crook of Evan's right arm. Something was wrong with this picture.
"So, I'm your best friend now." Evan's voice came out small, raspy and raw. The corners of his lips curled up.
"Yea. You are." Connor said. "Why are you hooked up to an IV? I thought you said you had a seizure. Seizures don't require medical attention and hospital stays. And they certainly don't require IVs and oxygen tubes. What's going on, Evan?" He got right to the point.
"You been Googling seizures or something?" Evan tried to be funny but was failing.
"No, I have a cousin who has epilepsy." Connor said.
"I don't have epilepsy. I was under a heavy amount of mental stress and anxiety, which is what caused the seizure. Something must've happened after that 'cause mom freaked out. Then I woke up in the ER. I have no idea how I got there. There was so much noise and all these strange people were running around, poking and prodding at me, I had a panic attack. I must've either blacked out or been sedated 'cause the next time I woke up, I was here." Evan's strength seemed to wan slightly. "I was missing a lot of fluids and nutrients so they put me on an IV drip. I haven't been eating enough lately. And they're giving me oxygen to help with breathing. I feel like I can't catch my breath."
"Isn't Ativan supposed to help prevent the seizures?" Connor asked. He saw Evan staring at the folds in his blanket. "You have been taking them, haven't you?"
Damn Google. Evan thought.
"I didn't feel I like I needed them the last few days." Evan confessed.
"Evan! You can't just stop taking prescription drugs whenever you feel like it." Connor admonished.
"I thought it was okay, since things were going so well."
"You have to check with your doctor first. You know that. Gosh, everyone knows that."
"Sorry." It was the only thing Evan could say.
"Don't be sorry." Connor sighed. He made a mental note to have Evan work on not apologizing for everything. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been hit with a Mack truck. I'm so tired, achy, and kinda weak. The doctor said it might take a few days for me to get back to normal, considering my medical record." Evan involuntarily drew in a deep inhale. He nearly winced at some pain. He hoped Connor didn't notice, but he did. Connor now understood why Heidi felt it was necessary for Evan to be kept at the hospital. Evan was very sick and he needed to be there. He was under observation and, no doubt, medication.
"You look really awful." Connor frowned, feeling sorry for Evan.
"So, what was the awesome news? Your message?" Evan asked with a weary smile.
"Huh? Oh my God, I can't believe I almost forgot about that." Connor said bewildered, then he smiled. "Well, I took your advice. Last night, I had a long talk with my mom and dad. I took the first step and approached them. I'll admit that I was really quite nervous about it all. Didn't know where to begin."
"How did it go?" Evan pushed.
"It turned out to be a four hour conversation. So, I would say it's a start." Connor chuckled. "We talked about many things. I told them the truth about the discovery of the joint at Hanover, and the reality of what rehab did to me, especially since I didn't belong there, and how it eventually robbed me of my soul. I told them how I felt."
"You came clean?" Evan was impressed.
"I didn't tell them everything. I left out the really dark stuff that you and I talk about. I don't think I'm ready to open up that part of me to them yet. I don't know if I'll ever be. But right now, I think we're at a good pace. It's enough for all of us to handle at this moment." Connor said. "It would be nice to be a part of the family again. I think I got lost somewhere along the way."
"Were your parents ok afterwards?"
"Oh yea. The prodigal son returns." Connor laughed. "We went through more than one pot of coffee, maybe a box of tissues, a round of apologies, and eventually there were hugs."
"Four hours." Evan breathed.
"It was a long talk. We all promised to be patient with each other and take it one day at a time. I think it surprised them most when I told them about you. They didn't think I was capable of having friends. But it was you who said maybe I should reach out to my parents and just talk – get some things out into the open. To try. And it's because of you that we're moving forward."
"Can't take credit for that. It's all you. All I did was make an intervention." Evan took another drag on the oxygen.
"You alright?" Connor asked, seeing how white Evan's face was. He looked like he was going to pass out.
Evan nodded and offered Connor a tired smile. He tried to gather up all the positive energy he had in his body to appear normal because he didn't want Connor to worry and sound the alarms. Fatigue was really a nuisance. Even the cast on his arm felt heavier than usual. And a queasy feeling developed in his stomach ever since he woke up that morning. He assumed it was due to the medication running through his body.
Evan was scheduled to be released from the hospital the next day. He wanted to go home so badly. He wanted to be in his own room, be around his own things. He didn't like hospitals because it was so foreign. There was nothing there that he found comforting. It was so cold and impersonal, and being in such a place scared him. Familiarity calmed him and made everything less daunting. This was why he needed to be home. He didn't want to give anyone a reason for telling him to stay there longer. He would do whatever it took to appear fine, even if he had to fake it.
"I have a little more news." Connor grinned, earning an inquisitive glance from Evan. Whatever it was that he had to say, it seemed to be a huge moment for Connor because at this point, it was Connor's turn to take a deep breath. He reached into the pocket of his parka and pulled out the all too familiar Ziploc sandwich bag – the one that was full of an assortment of pills that he'd shown Evan before. But this time, the sandwich bag was empty. Connor placed that sandwich bag right in front of Evan.
"Is that-? W-what does this mean?" Evan wavered, he wasn't sure what to think, but Connor was grinning. The suspense was killing Evan. He tried to wait for an explanation, but Connor just grinned, like the Cheshire Cat. Then Evan's eyes widen, thinking of the worse. What if Connor took all of them?! If he had, why was he still sitting there? Why wasn't he being treated? More importantly, why wasn't he dead? "NO! N-noo…You-you-you…" He cried in terror. Connor was expecting Evan to be on the same wavelength, but he apparently wasn't. It was never his intention to send Evan into shock.
"Hold on! Relax…I didn't take them. Duh! Obviously! Cause I'm here talking to you, aren't I?" Connor chuckled and rolled his eyes. "I don't need them anymore. I don't need to carry them in my pocket as a constant reminder of why I exist. So, they're gone. I got rid of 'em."
"Fuck! Are you trying to give me a heart attack, in addition to the seizure?" Evan huffed, rather annoyed. His heart rate settled after a minute.
"Says the guy who went radio silent."
"Oh, so that was payback." Evan panted. "It wasn't by choice. You know I would've texted you if I had access to my phone. My mom kept my phone hostage and told me I would never get it back if I didn't sleep. Hardly my fault."
"I know. It was beyond your control. I was just messing with you." Connor said.
"What'd you do with the pills?" Evan asked.
"I flushed all of them down the toilet this morning." Connor said most proudly.
"Really?!" Evan gasped.
"Yep, every last one of them. They're all gone."
"No regrets?"
"None. That's probably the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. It feels like that weight isn't holding me down anymore. It actually feels nice. You know, I woke up this morning feeling great. I haven't felt like that since I was ten. Then all this happened with you, and I got scared."
"You've come a long way." Evan said. "I've always believed in you."
"I can say the same goes for you too." Connor replied. He took the empty sandwich bag and stuffed it back into his pocket.
"Ok, so what'd you do with the beer?" Evan had to ask, but he kind of already knew the answer to that question.
"Oh that. I drank it. I couldn't let a perfectly good can of beer go to waste." Connor answered and they both laughed. "Actually, I drank it last Sunday. I would've shared, but you don't look like the type who drinks beer. It has a mellow-y, bitter flavor. Tastes kinda like expired licorice, but better. Smooth tasting. It slides down really well though. It doesn't burn the esophagus like whiskey. I can see why dad likes it."
Evan's stomach lurched and he suddenly felt a pull of nausea growing in the back of his throat. Perhaps all this talk and ideas about beer made his stomach uneasy. He tried to swallow down the queasy sensation and it seemed to do the trick. Connor's jovial expression turned into a worried one when Evan's chin quivered slightly. He seemed uncomfortable. Evan kept a straight face and drew in oxygen, hoping oxygen to the brain would stop the nausea. Just when he thought he had control of the situation, his stomach jerked violently and he felt something was going to come up.
"CONNOR!" Evan hollered desperately. Connor nearly fell out of his chair. Evan was gesturing and pointing frantically to an empty bed pan that was on a table nearby. He whimpered, not wanting to open his mouth again, for fear of expelling vomit all over himself. Connor got the hint. He grabbed the bed pan and shoved it quickly at Evan, who had pulled himself to a sitting position.
Evan was clutching the bed pan tightly on his lap as he hovered over it with his nose just inches away from the rim. He closed his eyes and felt the nausea rise into his throat. He retched loudly, but nothing came out. His face was pink and a sheen of perspiration dotted his forehead. Connor watched on in horror.
"Evan? You okay?" Connor inquired with deep concern.
Evan was unable to give a reply. He hung on until another wave of nausea hit. He still had his eyes closed and a grimace forming on his face. The arm that was in a cast pushed up against his stomach to hold in a cramp. Before long, another sick tingle crept up his throat. The nausea caused him to retch again, but only to dry heave. He wanted something to come up so he would feel better, but he knew nothing was going to be thrown up. After the last dry heave, he was trembling.
"Maybe I should call for the nurse." Connor said nervously. He watched Evan try to hurl up a lung and the sight was just heartbreaking. Plus, it was frightening to see Evan so sick.
"No." Evan shook his head weakly.
"No? Evan, you're sick. I-I'm gonna get help." Connor was looking for the nurses' call button. Evan shook his head and heaved again, still nothing. He was panting slightly from the exertion and strain on his gut. He needed to catch his breath.
"Don't press that button. It's ok." Evan said when the urges to vomit died down.
Evan's whole body shook after the last bout of nausea caused him to dry heave noisily. That last time really felt like something was definitely coming up, but all he got was bile, which he swallowed back down out of reflex.
He hated having Connor watch him make awful vomiting sounds trying to puke his brains out with a face buried in a bed pan. He was beyond embarrassed. It was downright humiliating. But Connor didn't seem disgusted, only deeply concerned and worried.
"Evan, you're looking very bad right now." Connor insisted. "A nurse will know what to do."
"I don't need a nurse. It's just nausea from the meds. I've already thrown up the tacos from last night before you came. I haven't eaten anything since then, so I won't have anything left to throw up. I just-just need a minute." Evan brought his face up from the bed pan. He was slightly breathless and seemed completely spent.
Connor frowned when he caught a glimpse of Evan's bony shoulder blade from a gap in the back of his hospital gown. He hadn't realized how thin Evan was until then. Now that he thought about it, he recalled how Evan really haven't been eating a lot in general lately. Every time they were at lunch, Evan would just nibble on his Sunbutter and jelly sandwich. He couldn't remember if Evan actually finished it all those times. And whenever Connor suggested a greasy snack after school, Evan would opt out. Connor assumed it was because of Evan's anxiety issues in crowds. And whenever they did go to those places, Connor did all the eating. Evan barely had an appetite.
And here was Evan, gaunt, weak, and undernourished, which was why he had to be placed on an IV. Connor's brow furrowed as he took in Evan's appearance. When Evan felt the nausea had passed, he needed to lie down again. The strain took so much strength out of him. A soft moan escaped his lips as he lowered his back down onto the bed. The back of his head touched the pillow and he melted into like it was a big cloud. He was a little lightheaded and exhaled a shaky breath. Connor took the empty bed pan away and placed it back on the table.
"No, I'm definitely calling the nurse." Connor concluded when he saw the wet tips of hair that had matted against Evan's pasty forehead. He reached for the nurses' call button but Evan was quicker and grabbed it first. "Man, you're quick."
"I'm fine. Really. They can't do anything for me anyway. Gimme a minute." Evan pleaded. His face seemed a shade paler.
"Evan, you're scaring me. You don't look alright." Connor was already standing up ready to go out and get a nurse.
"I'm okay. Come back and sit." Evan reassured again. "Can you pour me some water, please?"
Connor looked at Evan and hesitated before going back to Evan's bedside. The way Evan was begging for a drink of water really broke his heart. Maybe this was Evan's clever way of changing the subject. He had a knack for refocusing on something else when he didn't like where a conversation was headed. Evan's voice was incredibly hoarse and raspy. He sounded parched, probably as a result from all the dry heaving and retching.
Connor grabbed the pitcher of water that was sitting on a rolling table and poured some water into a cup. He topped it with a flexi-straw before handing it to Evan. Evan reached out his good hand to receive it, only to find that his hand was shaking uncontrollably. Damn it, he thought.
"Your hand's shaking." Connor observed. He darted an uneasy glance at Evan.
"It-It comes with the anxiety." Evan looked like he was about to burst into tears. "Every time I'm-I'm under too much stress, it happens."
"It's ok, I get it. I Googled anxiety attacks." Connor joked nonchalantly. His voice seemed calm now. "Here, I'll hold the cup, you drink out of the straw." He instructed and allowed Evan to sip water from the straw. Evan feverishly gulped down a few draws of water, he underestimated how thirsty he had been. "Slow down, you're going to choke on the water." Connor advised and watched Evan drain the whole cup. "More?" He asked. Evan shook his head.
"Thanks." Evan said as he leaned his head back against the pillow.
"No problem." Connor placed the cup back on the rolling table.
"I'm sorry." Evan apologized coyly.
"You say sorry a lot. I'm not sure what you're apologizing for this time."
"I'm sorry you had to see that earlier. It was embarrassing. I've grossed you out." Evan's face reddened.
"Evan! You can't think that way. It's me you're talking to. I'm your best friend. Nothing you do would be embarrassing." Connor reminded. Then he laughed. "Besides, you're in the hospital for a reason. Any grossness would've been expected."
"Can't wait to get the hell outta here. It really sucks. They won't leave me alone. They come at all hours to bother me with questions, touching me – you know how much I don't like to be touched - taking my temperature, blood pressure and whatever else they can think of. And then I get pumped full of drugs, but all that does is knock me out. I wanna go home." Evan complained in one big huff that seemed to extract way too much energy out of him.
"I hear ya. But on the other hand, if you saw how you looked right now, you'd think hospital bed is where you need to be at."
"That bad, huh?"
"Uh, yea. Not kidding." Connor affirmed. Apparently, Evan didn't know how horrible he appeared. His complexion had been drained of color and his lips were near bloodless.
"Tell me stuff." Evan said.
"Huh?"
"About what happened in school this morning, about books, about your next big art project, about anything." Evan asked. He just wanted to find some escapism from his current predicament. Evan knew Connor was an unusually good listener, but to be a storyteller, it was more of Evan's forte. Although Evan was an outwardly nervous, submissive, shy individual, he was the better writer, the teller of tales, the conveyor of words, and the expresser of eloquence and articulation but on paper.
"Well…" Connor wondered where to begin. But he eventually found his footing by starting with the latest book that he just took to reading – The Giver by Lois Lowry. He explained it was about a boy named Jonas who lives in a utopian society where all kids are designated jobs which they will train for and do for their whole life. Everything is pre-chosen for them – even when it came to parents and mates. Connor described the story takes the ready on a developmental journey through Jonas' life from a scared individual to becoming a person willing to risk his life to save the community. Evan loved hearing Connor tell why he liked the book so far and promised to read it too when he got out.
Connor went on to talking about the latest gossip at school – apparently, someone started a rumor about two teachers having a secret love affair, but everyone had a different assumption on who those two teachers were. There was no hard evidence so it was fallible and just talk. Then he talked about an awesome new comic book store that just opened in the mall and the cute girl that worked there. Then the subject was changed and Connor started talking about his sketch book. He also mentioned about a budding art project idea that had been bouncing around his head for a while. Then he got quite involved while rattling on about the realm of Elden Ring, a popular action role-playing video game, while staring at a spot on the wall across from Evan's bed. And when he thought of something funny and asked Evan a question, he received no reply. He looked at Evan and saw that the boy was fast asleep.
Connor smiled and just starred at the steady rise and fall of Evan's stomach. Evan's lips parted slightly and his facial features seemed relaxed without an ounce of worry. This is how it should be. Connor felt that Evan deserved to be treated so much better. He was a good and compassionate person and anyone would've been able to see had they only given him a chance. Well, if only Evan gave himself a chance. At the end of the day, Connor knew they had to lookout for each other and be each other's support system. Evan may appear cowardly to everyone, shying away from people and socializing, but Connor knew it was not true. Evan, by far, did not resemble the lily-livered, meek, and docile individual that he made himself to be. Connor knew Evan was fearless if he was pushed to it. He suspected it on day one and confirmed it the day Evan stood on top of that boulder ready to step off. There was no moments of hesitation, reluctance, or doubts on his part. He was so clear that he did not want to be found. And to Connor, that was the scariest part.
Connor carefully pulled the thermal blanket up to cover Evan across the shoulders, mindful not to wake him. He quietly stepped out of the room and let Evan sleep. He would take the time now to stretch his legs and return later when Evan was awake. He could just leave and go home, but he felt he shouldn't. Not when Evan seemed so ill.
He was walking down the hall with fists jammed in his jeans pockets when he ran into Heidi, who happened to be at the nurses' station putting some charts away. Naturally, she flagged him down. He explained that Evan was sleeping, but somehow she already knew that. She was more concerned on whether or not Connor had anything to eat. Connor remembered chewing on a few gummy bears earlier that day – if that counted, but he'd been so worried about Evan that he'd forgotten all about food. He shook his head, and that was the only answer Heidi needed before she took him to the cafeteria and ordered him a burger, fries, and soda. She bought herself a cup of hot coffee and sat with Connor at a table by the window.
Connor found out what happened on Taco Tuesday night from Heidi. Heidi had gotten home earlier than usual because she didn't want Evan to wait too long for dinner. They started preparing ingredients for their tacos and things were fairly ok. Evan was his usual reserved self. He only spoke when he was prompted to, but he did seem a bit off. When asked if he was ok, he replied that he just had a small headache and that he was only distracted – you know, school work and things. They ate tacos in near silence, which Heidi thought was a little weird, so she started topics hoping to encourage more conversation. There were moments where Evan would just stare at his food and give really short answers. He just didn't seem very focused. At the end of the meal, Heidi was doing dishes and Evan was helping to clear the table. He was supposed to bring the utensils to the sink when he suddenly dropped them half way between the kitchen and the dining room. Heidi turned around and found Evan just standing there staring into space for a few seconds before falling to the floor and started convulsing.
With eyes rolled back, Evan was instantly on the floor twitching and jerking as muscle spasms took over his body. Heidi did all she could – rolled him onto his side so he wouldn't choke on his own spit or tongue, supported his head so he wouldn't hurt himself against the hardwood floor, and made sure his airways are open. But after a minute, the convulsions had stopped but Evan didn't seem to regain consciousness, so she dialed for an ambulance. He was brought to the ER, where he woke up with panic in his eyes. He fell into a panic attack episode. He screamed and frantically pawed away anyone who tried to touch him, especially the nurses. He had to be given a sedative. They did an emergency CT scan, but thank God nothing abnormal turned up so the cause was deduced to severe anxiety and the fact that Evan had skipped his Ativan for days. It was the first time Evan ever had a seizure.
Connor listened attentively and absorbed the news. Although he was unhappy that Evan was sick, he was glad to know the truth of what really happened. He was resting easy knowing that this wasn't another failed attempt at suicide. But he realized how easily Evan could've died had it not been Taco night and Heidi had the late shift. Evan would've been home alone and no one would've been there to help him with his medical emergency until it was too late.
After his late lunch, Connor thanked Heidi for the food and insisted that he stayed longer, at least until when visiting hours were over, to keep Evan company, which meant 7:00 pm. She was worried about him going home at such a late hour and offered to drive him home on her break, but he declined. When Heidi went back to work, Connor stepped outside for some fresh air. He called his dad to tell him where he was and why, and if he wouldn't mind picking him up after work. He didn't wait for Connor to say another word before replying affectionately, "Don't worry, I'll be there." These words were something Connor haven't heard in a long time. When he hung up, he just stared at his phone and tears welled up in his eyes. Soon, he was sobbing and wiping tears away. He didn't want anyone to see him bawling like a baby because Connor was tougher than that. But it was too late. He caught the attention of two nurses on their coffee breaks. One of them inquired if Connor was okay, and he sucked in all his tears, said he was fine and walked quickly away.
It was closer to 5:00 pm when Connor made it back to Evan's room. Evan was awake from his nap and sipping water through a straw. He was surprised to see Connor hadn't left yet. Though, he was even more pleased that Connor told him he was staying until visiting hours were over. Connor spent the remainder of visiting hours right by Evan's side. They talked and joked, shared pictures and funny YouTube videos on their phones, and even watched a little TV.
The rest of the night after Connor left wasn't without a little drama. Heidi had flitted in and out of Evan's room to check on him as he slept. During one of those check in's in the middle of the night, she discovered Evan was running a low fever when she touched his forehead. But miraculously, the fever disappeared the next morning and Evan's health improved enough for him to be released and recover in the comfort of his own home. He couldn't be more ecstatic. Heidi took the following day off to care for her son. Connor came over after school – only because Evan insisted that if they wanted to graduate together, Connor needed to minimize cutting classes.
With good reason, Evan was absent from school the rest of the week. All his teachers plus the school's nurse knew about his mishap, but due to privacy, they kept it confidential. Three full days were gone and Evan found it amusing that for a person with social anxiety, he actually missed going to school. It was a weird feeling. But he was looking forward to returning. Heidi was a little skeptical that it was too soon, but Evan was adamant about going back to school. He had no idea how he was going to make up all the work that he missed, but that was beside the point. He would've had the weekend to rest up so come Monday morning, he should be raring to go. Heidi would love more than anything for Evan to go back to school with a positive attitude, but at the same time, she worried that Evan was pushing himself too hard. With his high anxiety, panic attacks and stress, things could go badly. The last thing she wanted was for something to trigger another seizure.
Evan reassured his mom that he could handle it, but Evan's been known to be wrong before.
End of Chapter 4
AN: Anyone ready for a bit more Evan whumpage in Chapter 5?