Memories. They can be good and bad things. They can comfort you or hurt you. They can come at you when you least expect it.
Mine were constantly bombarding me. Even to this day, I remember some of our adventures and what I had to do just to survive.
At one point, even though I'd asked for forgiveness and was supposedly granted it by the Urn of Apollo, I couldn't seem to forgive myself.
The irony of things was I didn't even know what I needed forgiveness for. What had been the worst thing I'd done to Xena that could never be forgiven.
Yes, it was Hope. But there was also Chin. I had betrayed my soulmate on so many occasions and she continued to love me. She continued to be there for me.
And in the end, Xena did what Xena does. She found a way to help me without being directly involved. It was a dangerous game as I could have lost who I was forever if I hadn't been strong enough to face the past.
Thankfully, I was stronger than I realized. But the thought of not knowing who Xena was causes me to shudder. I know we would have eventually found love again. But at what cost to Xena?
I'm off topic, yet I'm not. For it's these memories that bombarded me. Had me talking in my sleep. Had Xena listening and wanting to do right by me.
And Xena knew she could be lost to me. She knew that I could take the wrong path. Yet, I believe she believed that I was strong enough to face the deepest depths and still return to her.
This was an adventure that I faced alone. Yet, I'm never truly alone. There is always Xena in my soul giving me strength and comfort and anything else I may need.
FORGET ME NOT
Nightmares. They had been increasing as of late for Gabrielle. She wanted to sleep but most nights held images from the pasts. The cruelest ones of all.
The fact Gabrielle had killed her own daughter and nearly drank what was left of the poison was the latest torment for the bard.
And Xena was off somewhere. Gabrielle was left with Joxer. While she loved him, he couldn't help her with the problem at hand. Could her soulmate?
Gabrielle needed to find out what was causing her not to be able to sleep or eat. What these memories were doing to her was a form of punishment. She needed answers. ASAP. And alone. Without Joxer.
That's when Gabrielle came across what she thought was the temple of Mnemosyne. Was she to have brought an offering?
The woman Gabrielle ran into didn't even seem to know herself. It was the price of facing one's memories. Of possibly having the pain removed. One would lose everything just to gain peace.
Was Gabrielle ready to face losing everything? Including her warrior princess? The pain was so deep and cutting that there was no hesitation. Yes, the bard was ready to lose herself.
So Gabrielle's memories became the priestess' the moment she had walked into the temple. That was kind of scary to know that it worked instantly.
Could the priestess help her? That was the question Gabrielle wanted answered. For she was in such pain, she needed to know now.
It was a poetic way to look at ones' memories. They were some that were deep and unreachable like the ocean or a deep river/lake. Others were on the surface easy to access.
Journey? Gabrielle had been on a few, one in the dreamscape. But this wasn't a dreamscape. This was her memories. Good and bad and everything in between.
Three rivers to cross. That didn't sound so bad. Yet, with it dealing with a goddess, Gabrielle knew that it would be an adventure she would never forget.
Or would she? The priestess was clear that if Gabrielle were to turn her back on her memories, she would turn her back on the past. The bard needed to know. She needed to figure out what was happening to her.
Gabrielle came to the first portion of her journey. She was surprised when Ares showed up. He was to be her guide and protector? Or was he here for his own selfish reasons.
Was Gabrielle? In a way, yes. If she lost all her memories, she would lose Xena. And that meant her soulmate would lose her. It had been quite the conundrum.
At first, the water was soothing. Gabrielle couldn't understand. That was when the memories hit. Crafstar. Crassus. The memories were overwhelming. They caused the bard to scream with everything she had.
Finally, Gabrielle made it to the to the other side. It took a moment for her to gather herself. But she was ready for the next part. The river of woe. That didn't seem quite so bad as the first river as it had taken her by surprise.
At first, Gabrielle was able to walk across an ice bridge. All the time Ares was going on about how the ice was our thin control over the torments below the surface. But if one fissure should take hold…
It was the jealousy. It was the fact Gabrielle had allowed it to nearly destroy a friendship. And she continued to say it was so Xena wouldn't destroy what she had worked so hard to become. Those memories hit the bard harder than the first set.
In fact, it was too much. Gabrielle couldn't continue forward. She thought she knew the answer anyways. The betrayal and how she had come to terms with it were the answer. She could go back now.
The moment she was in the river of woe, it wasn't as bad as the first time. In fact, Gabrielle couldn't see her memories at all. That's when the ice began trapping her. She was beginning to drown. She needed help. Ares continued to laugh at her.
Gabrielle was stuck. She couldn't go back. She couldn't go forward. And with Ares there tormenting her, it wasn't helping at all.
After thinking about it, Gabrielle knew she had to go on. Could she live with the pain? She had to. That was what life was about. Learning to evolve and move beyond the pain.
Ares tormented Gabrielle with how there was no point to living. That all the pain she and Xena, especially the warrior princess, had been through was for not.
The bard knew that wasn't true, especially when it came to Xena. They had been lost in hate and pain. It had taken Solon to bring them back together but they had won out over hatred.
Why was she still there? Why hadn't Gabrielle moved on. She knew this would be the toughest test of all. And the memories hit her. And she knew. It was all because of Ares.
Gabrielle's fight was back with a vengeance. Now that she knew it was because Ares, because of the way she wanted to hide the fact she was beholden to the god.
But the image before Gabrielle was no god. It was that part of her that wanted to keep her memory buried so she didn't have to admit the truth to her soulmate.
The fight was intense. As intense as everything Gabrielle had experienced in the landscape she was in. And as he said Ares was only part of the key. It was keeping the secret from Xena.
It was wanting to hurt Xena like she had been. The bard had wanted to betray her. Gabrielle had felt such intense jealousy that it had led to making the deal with the devil. Something she still owed Ares.
It was time to make the decision. Could Gabrielle live without her memories of her family, her loves and most importantly Xena just so she wouldn't have to remember how she had betrayed her soulmate.
When Gabrielle came out of the landscape, she was listening to how Joxer had lied to her. He deserved the tweak for saying she loved dancing nude in the rain.
And just like that, Xena was there. She had known all along. If Gabrielle hadn't talked in her sleep, the warrior princess may never have known why she had done it. And forgiven the bard.
Xena also knew it was one journey that had to be taken on her own. Gabrielle was grateful for her soulmate watching over her. And in the end, the bard learned a valuable life lesson.
And what was the life lesson? If Gabrielle didn't have the bad memories, she wouldn't know what the good ones were. And she had too many amazing ones to ever forget them all.
The hug. Xena was right when she said Gabrielle was home. Safe in the arms of her soulmate. And unfortunately Joxer had to get in on the hug. For as the warrior princess said, not even Mnemosyne could help them with that.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Xena kept watch over the temple. Not that she could do anything. This was a journey that only her soulmate could make. Joxer interfering almost caused the warrior princess to intervene.
But things played out the way they were supposed to. It was difficult to know that her soulmate would have to endure such pain and agony to get to the truth?
And what was the truth? The reason that Gabrielle had such trouble letting go was because she didn't want to admit to the fact the reason she had betrayed Xena was out of jealousy. It was out of hatred for another who the warrior princess loved so much.
When the timing was right, Xena reentered the scene. She'd overheard enough to know that she would have to have a little chat with Joxer.
Yes, Xena had known. And yes, she had forgiven her soulmate. The warrior princess was proud of Gabrielle for learning one of the toughest things in life.
It was a lesson that Xena was still learning herself. If one didn't know the bad memories, one wouldn't know the good ones. It was best to live with the bad ones and continue to make good ones.
The best memories to be made were of Xena holding her soulmate. Even Joxer joining in on the hug couldn't spoil it much.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
As per usual after one of their adventures, the pair sat around the campfire. Having sensed that Gabrielle needed to speak with her further, alone, Xena had sent Joxer off on a hunt for dinner.
"I know you need to talk more." Xena reached over and grasped Gabrielle's hand. They would have to be cautious of the public displays should Joxer return suddenly.
Gabrielle gave her soulmate's hand a gentle squeeze. "I just don't understand how you forgave me so easily." She continued to hold her lover's hand.
"I know you, Gabrielle." Xena was careful with her word choices. "And I know what it's like to be jealous. To want to hurt the one you love. For me, it ended badly. Borias and I ended up on the opposite sides fighting."
"Is that why you forgave so easily. You didn't want to end up fighting like we did when…" Gabrielle trailed off. She wasn't certain she'd ever be able to speak of Solon's death and how they had been pushed so far apart.
"Yes." Xena knew exactly what her soulmate had been speaking of. It was something she herself had trouble speaking of. While it was a part of them, it was also something not to dwell on.
Gabrielle sighed. "I can't believe I almost gave this up." A dark eyebrow rose. "I nearly turned back. I thought I had the answer and thought I didn't have to go any further."
"You would have found your way." Xena was certain of that. "You always follow your heart." She didn't need to say except in their last adventure while in Rome.
"You are my heart." Gabrielle once again squeezed Xena's hand. "That's why when I had a choice of drinking the water and having all my memories disappear I couldn't do it."
"You mean because you'd forget about me." Xena knew the answer but had to make certain. "That you'd forget that we were soulmates."
"I knew that I had to learn to live with my bad memories so I could remember things like us. How deep our love is for one another." Gabrielle leaned in to kiss her soulmate but was rebuffed. "Joxer?"
"Joxer." Xena had heard the bumbling warrior and knew that it wouldn't be long before he rejoined his comrades. "Later. When we are alone again."
It was a promise. One that both bard and warrior princess intended to keep. There was no way they wouldn't keep it. Unless something happened…