Back again with the latest installment! This one's the longest chapter so far, and it goes into Hotch's side of things. There is a flashback in the beginning/middle part, but I labeled it to ease confusion! : ) I've already started on the next chapter because I was kind of excited about this part of the story so hopefully I will have chapter 4 up soon! Thank you all for reading, favoriting, reviewing, and story alerting!
-kbrewster
March 7th. Oh, how Aaron Hotchner hated March 7th. He had gone through ten of these now, and not one of them had been any easier. Although ten years have come and gone and life has changed immensely for the former BAU Unit Chief, his heart still ached. It ached for not having seen the woman he loved so dearly for ten years. It ached because he couldn't bear the thought of her out in a different country all by herself, even if she was strong enough to be alone. His heart sank to his stomach every time he thought about the number of people he had outright lied to in the past ten years. The phone calls he and JJ had made to Emily's family, old friends, the funeral homes… and it was all lies. It was the best way to protect her, he knew. He accepted that and knew that was the only thing keeping him from going completely insane.
Hotch found himself in front of Emily's headstone for the tenth time since she left. He knew he wasn't really visiting her, that what was buried underneath that grey headstone was no more than a weighed down coffin. Still, it was the only way he knew how to cope without actually seeing her. He placed new flowers on the headstone, taking away the flowers that were starting to wither away. He sighed, slowly tracing each letter engraved on the cold marble.
"I miss you," he whispered to himself. He knew Emily couldn't hear him when he talked, but talking made him feel better. He didn't have any one else to talk to about her, so this was his way of handling his feelings.
He then sat on the ground, not caring that it was too cold to be doing so. He buttoned his coat up and brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his knees.
"I can't believe it's been ten years," he said. "Ten whole years without you… ten years since I've heard anything from you. I know that's not your fault, but I wish it wasn't like this. When I made the decision I made, I never in a million years thought you would really be gone this long… I thought… I thought maybe we could find him. Get rid of him for good this time… and then you could come back. You could come back to the States, back to the BAU…. Back to me," He fingered the petals of one of the red roses he had just laid on her grave.
"But you're still gone. I'm sorry, Emily. I'm sorry for everything," he said as sincerely as he knew how. Slowly, he lifted himself up off the ground, taking one last look at the headstone before walking away. He got in his car and drove home to get ready for Jack's soccer game that afternoon.
Jack was seventeen now. He was one year from graduating, and Hotch couldn't believe it. As slowly as time had seemed to pass without Emily, he was amazed at how quickly Jack had grown up. He was near the top of his class grade-wise, and he played on his school's soccer team.
Hotch has retired from the FBI just shy of three years after Emily left. He wanted to spend more time with Jack, and if he was being honest, being at the BAU every day and seeing the team was killing him. Even though he knew Emily wasn't really dead, continuing to be there and try to move on was actually the main thing preventing him from healing. So, he went to Strauss one gloomy morning in February. By the end of the following week, Hotch was a retired man. At first, he had no idea what to do with so much free time, but slowly he formed a new schedule to accompany his new life of constant stay-at-home Dad.
Though most of his adult life, he felt lost without work, he knew this was the best decision for him and Jack. The father-son duo spent as much time as they could together, and both were thankful for the time.
When Hotch retired, Jack was ten. He wasn't a little kid anymore, so their lists of things to do grew significantly with each passing year. Even now that Jack was nearing his entrance to adulthood, he still made time to spend with his dad.
As Hotch drove back to his house he shared with his son, he began thinking back through the years. He smiled and his heart fluttered when he thought of one particularly happy memory from years ago.
October 2010
Hotch and Jack were up earlier than Hotch liked to be awake on a Saturday, but this morning was a special morning for them. Emily was coming to spend the day with them. Emily had been such a help to both Hotchners surrounding Haley's death. He and Emily had been caught in something of a "will-they-won't-they?" scenario ever since Hotch had divorced Haley. Emily had also been a help to Hotch then as well. She took on the "best friend" role. He would call her when he couldn't sleep at night, he invited her over when he needed to talk to someone, and he trusted her around Jack. It was rare, but there had been several times Hotch would have a late meeting with Strauss and Jessica was unable to keep Jack. When this happened, the only person he would ask was Emily, who always readily and happily agreed.
This particular Saturday morning had been planned per Jack's request. He had asked Hotch if Emily could accompany the two of them on a trip to the movies. Knowing that Jack had grown particularly fond of Emily made it nearly impossible for Hotch to say no. So, he agreed and it was decided that Emily would come over around 11 that morning and then the three of them would go see the latest animated children's movie.
Though, Jack was wide awake by 6am, too excited about the days events to sleep any longer. Reluctantly, Hotch was already up and in his kitchen making breakfast for his animated five-year-old. Chocolate chip pancakes, as Jack requested. The boy was in the living room just a few feet away, playing with action figures as a TV show he liked played on in the background.
As Hotch prepare he meal for Jack, he himself began thinking about the day ahead. He was actually excited. Excited in a way he didn't remember being excited to spend time with the brunette woman before. He knew what he was feeling, and he found himself wondering if she felt the same way as he did. He thought back to the phone call he had shared with Emily just four days prior, feeling his face warm as he thought about it…
Jack had requested Hotch call Emily immediately upon their return home that evening. Hotch found himself putting it off, not because he didn't want her to come, but because he found himself slightly nervous for asking her to spend one of their precious days off with them. Thought he considered Emily a very good friend, he realized he knew very little about what she actually did when she wasn't working or spending time with him and Jack. What if she had things to do? What if normally her Saturdays were busy? What if she had a boyfriend? He found himself tensing at that possibility, quickly shaking it from his thoughts.
Now that it was past dinnertime and Jack was getting incredibly antsy, waiting for his daddy to call Emily, Hotch decided it was now or never. After he asked Jack to change into his pajamas, brush his teeth, and meet Hotch back downstairs, he sat himself on the couch with his phone in hand. Jack returned from completing his tasks in a very short amount of time, so short that Hotch wondered if Jack had actually brushed his teeth.
"Will you call her now, Daddy?" Jack asked, sitting himself directly beside his father.
"Yeah, Buddy. I'll call Emily now," he said, scrolling to her name in his contacts and pressing the "send" button on his phone.
"Prentiss," she answered after a few rings.
"Hey," Hotch said, clearing his throat. "It's me,"
"Oh, hey!" Emily replied with more enthusiasm than she had before. "I didn't look before I answered. What's up?" she asked.
"Well uh… Jack and I were going to spend the day together Saturday… maybe go see a movie or something. And he… I… we were, ah, wondering if maybe you'd like to come with us?" Hotch said, internally cursing himself for his inability to communicate.
"Sure!" She replied almost immediately. "That sounds great, actually," she said. He knew by the tone of her voice that she was smiling.
"Really?" Hotch asked, not sure why he was so shocked. "I mean, we're not going to be taking your time away from anything, are we?"
"No, no, not at all. I was honestly sitting here wondering what I was going to do tomorrow before you called. A day out with you and Jack sounds perfect,"
"Okay, good. We're always glad to have you," Hotch said sincerely.
"You know I'm always glad to come," she said with just as much sincerity. The rest of the phone conversation consisted of planning times, and then the two agents hung up.
"So she's coming?" Jack asked, bouncing in his seat at the possibility.
"Yep!" Hotch confirmed. "She's coming at 11 in the morning, then we're all going to see that new movie you've been wanting to see," Hotch told Jack.
"Yay!" Jack cheered, standing up on the couch, throwing his fists up in the air.
Hotch fought the urge to laugh to gently remind Jack that he wasn't allowed to stand on the furniture and help Jack down. He then tucked the boy into his bed safely, and proceeded to hear him talk about how excited he was for Emily to come over for the next four days.
Now, the day had finally come. Though it was still extremely early, Hotch found himself just as antsy as Jack. Knowing there honestly wasn't much he could do to prepare for the day at this hour, he finished Jack's pancakes and called him to the table where the two ate breakfast together.
After the kitchen had been cleaned, Hotch and Jack decided they had time to watch Toy Story before doing anything else, so that's just what they did. Hotch found himself dozing off, but as soon as the movie was over Jack made sure he was wide awake.
By now, it was nearing 9. "Jack, we've got about two hours before Emily's going to be here, is your room clean?" He asked the five-year-old.
"Ummmm," Jack thought hard. "Kind of…"
Hotch laughed. "I think our definitions of clean are a little different from each other. Go pick up all your toys, okay? Then you can get dressed,"
"Okay, Daddy," Jack agreed, running up to his room. Hotch found himself needlessly cleaning, just trying to give himself something to do to pass the time.
What felt like twice as long as the actual time it took, finally a knock sounded at the Hotchner door.
"Is that Emily?" Jack asked excitedly, running down the hall from his bedroom to the front door.
"I think so!" Hotch said, opening the door to reveal none other than Emily Prentiss.
"Emily!" Jack said, rushing to greet her with a hug. She laughed as she picked him up and hugged him tightly.
"Hi, Jack!" He said. "How's my favorite little Hotchner doing?"
"Good! I'm glad you got to come today,"
"That's good, I'm glad I did too," Emily smiled as she carefully put Jack back down on the ground. She turned to Hotch and flashed him a smile.
"Hey, you," she said.
"What? No 'how's my favorite bigger Hotchner?'" he asked, sending her playful glare.
She rolled her eyes. "How's my favorite bigger Hotchner?"
"Fine, thank you," he replied. "How are you?" he asked.
She laughed. "I'm good. Excited about our day," she commented.
Before Hotch had a chance to respond, Jack cut in asking: "Can we go now Daddy? Please?" Dragging out the last syllable in the word 'please' like he did when he wanted something always made Hotch give in.
"We can go," Hotch said. And the three of them walked out of the apartment and down to Hotch's car.
The entire day was described by Jack as 'the most awesome-est and perfect-est day ever!' To which Hotch had to agree, it was a wonderful day.
Before seeing a movie, they all decided to go eat lunch at Jack's favorite pizza place. Hotch found his heart melting at the way Jack politely asked Emily to sit next to him in their booth, and ask her just as politely if she would cut up his pizza for him.
Later on, after they had seen their movie, Hotch found himself enthralled with the way Emily interacted with Jack. The two walked out of the movie theater quoting and acting out their favorite scenes from the movie. He couldn't believe that this was the same woman he worked with on a daily basis, who could be intimidating enough to break even the toughest criminals, standing in front of him quoting an animated children's movie.
Hotch was quite certain that this was the moment he realized he was in love with Emily Prentiss. Most people might call him crazy, as it had barely been a year since Haley had passed. It wasn't that he had ever fallen out of love with Haley, because he hadn't. He would always love Haley, no doubt about it. Unfortunately, their relationship became strained and wasn't working any more. He grieved for her every day, but even he knew he needed to move on. He needed to be truly happy in effort to keep Jack truly happy. This was the moment he realized that Emily Prentiss just might be everything the Hotchners were looking for.
Once the three were back at Hotch's place, it was nearing dinner time. Hotch invited her to stay, which she gladly accepted. Jack requested spaghetti, and all three of them took hand in making the meal. As the spaghetti noodles boiled, Hotch made the sauce and had Emily and Jack in charge of making the meatballs. The kitchen ended up in a giant mess of sauce when Hotch decided to take sauce and put a dab on both Emily and Jack's noses. The two retaliated by trying to get some sauce on Hotch's nose. Hotch running into the living room did not stop Jack from throwing a spoonful at his father. They ended up in a full-on food fight in the kitchen, using almost half the pot of sauce.
"Okay, okay!" Hotch said finally. "Truce! You and Emily win!" he said, raising his arms in the air.
"Good job, Jack!" Emily said, high fiving the boy.
"You too, Emmy!" He replied.
Emily glanced around the kitchen, suddenly realizing the mess she and Jack had caused, and immediately her smiling expression faded into a horrified one.
"Oh God," she breathed. "I'm sorry, Aaron," she said, using his first name which was rare for her. "I'll clean it, it was my fault. I told him to throw it at you,"
"It's okay, Em," he said, grasping her shoulders lightly in his hand, looking directly into her big brown eyes.
They just stared at each other for a moment, and Hotch could only hope Emily was thinking the same thing he was. Finally, she broke the silence.
"I still feel bad… I'll clean it," she said again.
"Right now, we're going to eat this spaghetti, then we'll clean it together, okay?"
"Okay," she said, nodding her head slowly.
They all ate the spaghetti, absolutely covered in the sauce, laughing and pointing out how ridiculous each other looked.
After eating, Hotch gave Jack a bath and Emily went to take a shower, changing into old sweats and a t-shirt of Hotch's, ditching her clothes.
Emily started cleaning the kitchen up while Hotch cleaned himself up, though he took much less time than she had.
Once he came back completely sauce-free, he informed Jack that it was bedtime. Jack, who had been playing with toy cars, whined a little.
"But Daddy, can't I stay up later tonight? Emmy is here!" He said, using a new nickname for her he had started calling her that day.
"It's already later than normal, but come on, maybe if you ask her really nicely she will come tuck you in with us," he whispered though Emily could still hear him. A smile crept across her face.
Jack quickly went into the kitchen where Emily was. "Emmy?" he asked.
"What is it, honey?" she asked, acting like she had no idea what the little boy was going to ask her.
"Can you come tuck me in with Daddy?" he asked hopefully, looking up at her.
"Hmm," she contemplated. "Of course I will come tuck you in, silly boy," she said finally, lifting him up into her arms, carrying him to his room. Hotch followed them, folding Jack's bedding down so Emily could lay him there. Together, they covered him up under the blankets. Hotch flipped on a bedside lamp that doubled as a nightlight.
"Goodnight, Jack, sleep good okay? I love you," Hotch said, leaning down to kiss Jack on the forehead. Jack's eyes drooped, showing his tiredness more than Jack had previously let on.
"Night, love you Daddy," he said sleepily.
Then, Emily took her turn. Though she wasn't sure what to say. She did love Jack, but she wasn't sure if it was acceptable or appropriate to vocalize that love.
"Goodnight, sweetheart. I had a really nice time with you today," she finally settled on saying, also placing a kiss on Jack's forehead.
"Night Emmy. I love you," Jack said. That was all it took for Emily's heart to melt completely, and tears threaten to fall from her eyes. She took a breath.
"I love you too," she said sincerely, running a hand over Jack's hair. "Get some sleep, okay?" she said as Jack rolled over and closed his eyes. Emily made her way out of the room before Hotch did, trying to regain her composure.
Once Hotch half-closed Jack's door, he went over to Emily who had tackled the task of cleaning again.
"Emily?" Hotch questioned.
"Was… was that okay, Aaron?" she asked, using his first name again. "Telling Jack I loved him too? I mean I do, he's the most adorable little thing in the world, but I didn't ask you…" she rambled, scrubbing the countertop a little harder than she should have been.
"It was perfectly fine, Emily," he assured her, taking her arm in his hands.
"Really?" she asked.
"Really," he confirmed, brushing some hair away from her face that had since fallen out of her hair tie.
"What does… what does this mean for us?" she asked quietly.
"Whatever you want it to mean," Hotch said.
That was the first time Emily Prentiss kissed him.
March 7th 2021
Hotch had a mixture of feelings swarming through his body at that memory. He was happy, because that was the night their relationship took a step from friendly to romantic. It made him sad, because she was no longer there with him. He felt like he didn't have enough time with her, and his heart ached for Jack who truly adored and loved Emily. Lying to Jack about Emily was the most difficult thing Hotch had to cope with, but he couldn't tell him the truth. Not then, when he was so young. He wouldn't have been able to understand. It wouldn't be fair to tell him now, certainly as he had had ten years to process her being gone.
Hotch had arrived back home, now. He grabbed everything he would need for Jack's game and made his way back out the door quickly as he was running a bit late. He arrived at the game just in time to cheer his son on. He truly enjoyed watching Jack play. Just like any proud parent would, Hotch assumed. But he felt like maybe his heart swelled a bit more than most parents when Jack was successful, though he wasn't sure why.
Once the game had ended, Hotch drove back home, leaving Jack with his team who planned to go out to eat to celebrate their victory that day.
Hotch was mentally making note of things he needed to do around the house, errands he needed to run, when something stopped him dead in his tracks.
On the front door there was a note, scrawled in pen. Hotch's insides froze with fear as soon as he read the message.
I know where they are. Was all it said. What made Hotch feel sick to his stomach and feel slightly dizzy, was the signature. A clover. That was it.
Ian Doyle had just contacted Hotch. He didn't know who the 'they' was Doyle referred to, but he knew in any instance this was not something he should mess with. Immediately he made his way inside, locking the door behind him, checking for any signs of an intruder. Finding none, he reached for his phone and called Jennifer Jareau.