AN:Thank you for all the unique reviews!

As for the question from sregnevA : how Thor started a bonfire with chopsticks? Loki says it's because Thor has flammable spit. Thor thinks it's because of his flaming love for WARM midgardian takeout. Tony thinks they're all insane but he still loves them.

RATING: T (WARNING FOR DISTURBING IMAGES AND 100% ORGANIC CRACK. DON'T EAT WHILE READING, IN CASE OF CHOKING)

CHAPTER SUMMARY:In which they get a little sidetracked while trying to find Steve. Loki gets shamelessly spoiled. Clint eats a dozen hotdogs and Steve buys something for Tony. Tony just thinks he's slowly going blind with all the pink hearts around. Oh, Bruce gets kicked by a goat.

FOUR

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"NO!"

"Please."

Tony palmed his face. "Barton, repeating the same word over and over again won't make me change my mind."

Clint let out a broken-hearted sob and gave the hotdog eating contest one last look. He stood and reluctantly turned his back.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the price for first place-a five-foot-long hotdog! Yes, it's edible!"

Clint whirled around so fast he was a blur. "A five foot long wiener... Stark, I have to have it... I have to. If I don't I will literally die!"

"Like I said before, all activities are on hiatus until-"

"What is a wiener?"

"Thor, please. This is totally not the time to ask..."

Thor huffed. "It seems that my hawk-eyed friend is in dire need of one such wiener and he shall perish if he doesn't. I think it my responsibility to save my fellow teammates from impending death. We shall get you that wiener, my small friend."

Clint flung himself into Thor's embrace. "I love you so much! Let's do this!"

Tony rolled his eyes and patted Loki's arm absently as the god tensed next to Thor, practically seeping jealousy. Thor gave his brother a wet sloppy kiss and promised to win before flouncing off with Clint.

"You want to hop on the crazy food wagon or help me find my grandmother?" tony regarded Loki. The trickster god wrinkled his nose.

"I'll stay with you. Thor tends to get messy in eating contests." Loki said disdainfully. "And I didn't know you had a crush on your grandmother."

Tony felt his heart clench. "I do not." he called loudly after the god's retreating form. Loki flipped him off.

Steve wandered aimlessly along the path, smiling occasionally at the random kissing couples. He felt a little lost. The modern world was so shiny and metallic. It was something so alien to Steve that sometimes he wondered if he should have been thawed in the first place. Maybe it was for the best that captain America remained a past legend. Maybe...

He sighed.

Steve followed the crowd of people because they seemed to know where to go. He considered buying roses for Tony but there was only a crumpled twenty in his left pocket and the roses cost just a tad bit more. Also, Steve was pretty sure he was going to die of a heart attack before he even presented the flowers to Tony.

He turned a corner and blinked. There sitting in the display window was the perfect thing. Steve smiled despite himself and hurried toward the gift shop.

"Are you sure goats eating carrots?" Bruce stared questioningly down at the orange sticks protruding from the tiny plastic cup clutched in his hand. "And why would an amusement park have a petting zoo? Aren't they supposed to belong in an actual zoo?"

Natasha rolled her eyes and stuffed one of the carrot sticks into a nearby goat's mouth with unnecessary force. "Stop asking questions and feed the damned things."

Bruce sighed in defeat and waved one at an older goat. "You know, I don't think I will hulk out over a rollercoaster ride. You don't have to treat me like a mine field."

Natasha frowned at him and crouched down to the doctor's level. "Maybe I just want some time alone with my favorite avenger."

Bruce snorted at that. An uncomfortable silence settled. Then Bruce said, "Hey do you think I can pet them?"

Five seconds later

"Oww, it kicked me! IT KICKED ME!"

"Bruce...calm down. Maybe it doesn't like to be petted."

"WHY? IT CLEARLY SAYS PETTING ZOO! HOW CAN YOU NOT PET SOMETHING IN A PETTING ZOO?"

"Bruce, look..." Natasha calmly pointed over his shoulder.

"Oh, bunnies!"

She sighed as Bruce visibly deflated and bounced over to the rabbits.

"Don't treat him like a mine field, he says. Pft."

Clint swallowed a hastily chewed mouthful and grabbed another hotdog from the plate. Thor dutifully dabbed at his teammate's chin with a hankie every twenty or so seconds. Loki had told him manners and sanitation was both very important things in a warrior and a potential mate. Thor didn't want the hawk to lose the chance to find his valentine just because he had horrible eating habits.

Clint was oblivious to Thor's thoughtfulness. His concentration was focused solely on the plate before him. He had to win that wiener. It was beckoning to him, twisting and turning erotically. So flexible...how was he ever going to refuse that? Clint ate faster.

Tony glowered at every pink thing they passed. Valentine's was about the freedom to love, who in god's name had connected that with the hideous color of pink? Loki wasn't doing so well either. He was fanning himself with one pale hand and dragging his feet.

"I thought this was supposed to be a fun outing. I'm bored. Entertain me, Stark." he demanded Tony's attention. Tony was too busy squinting around for Steve's sensible brown plaid shirt. Loki retaliated by turning into a girl and making his breasts inflate and deflate like a pair of helium balloons. That certainly had Tony's attention in under than a second. Unfortunately Loki refused to turn back into a man and started clinging to Tony's arm.

They turned a corner and Loki stopped. Tony groaned. "What now?"

Loki wordlessly pointed at something in a game booth. "I demand you win that plushie for me."

Tony turned. There it sat, in all its squishy glory...and blonde Barbie hair...and shiny red cape...

"Why in gods name would you want a life-size plush of Thor?" Tony jabbed an accusing finger into Loki's surprisingly soft chest. Ok, he'd forgotten about the girl factor. "You're already sleeping with your brother."

Loki flipped a dark tumble of hair off his pale shoulder and sniffed. "Its not every night that I get to have him warming my bed. I'll have something to keep me company when he's not available."

Tony groaned. "We're supposed to find the Cap, not mess around in the arcade booth..."

"Get me my plushie and ill get you your crush. By magic."

Tony narrowed his eyes.

"Pinky swear."

"Fine, but be warned that I'm horrible at dancing games."

Five minutes later, Tony was bent over with his hands braced on his knees, face twisted in pain and breathing like a winded elephant. Was it possible to sprain your ball sac?

"Can't I just... buy... the damn thing?"

The skinny teenager who looked a lot like a rubber chicken standing behind the booth shook his head smugly. Tony swore. Loki crossed his arms. They were attracting attention. Loki was a beautiful girl and men were coming on to him like bees to honey.

"Hey, babe. You looking for a real man?"

Loki sneered and rolled his eyes. Tony struggled upright and pointed an unsteady finger at the man.

"Stay away from my friend's girlfriend."

Loki stepped on his foot. Tony doubled over again. There seemed to be some kind of commotion at the entrance. Tony squinted suspiciously.

Then Thor burst dramatically from the crowd with Clint clutched to his generous bosom in a traditional bridal style. Somehow Clint seemed to be foaming at the mouth.

"My love, the hawk fought bravely but in the end..." Thor sighed with feeling, addressing his female brother and set Clint down on his feet.

"I ate twelve...fucking twelve foot-long hotdogs and still... they wouldn't give it to me..." Clint nearly listed over. Tony slung an arm around his waist and pulled the slightly shorter man against his chest.

"God, Barton. Are you crying?" Tony asked, horrified. Clint sniffed.

While Clint complained of the unfairness of his loss, Loki had sidled over to Thor, wrapped an arm around his brother's waist and kissed him on the mouth. Tony patted Clint sympathetically but kept his eyes glued on the hot gods making out next to him. The rubber chicken behind the game booth coughed, ruining the moment. Loki peeled his lips from Thor's face with a wet smack and pointed to his plushie.

"Get it for me, brother."

Thor tackled the dance mat with all the enthusiasm of a particularly retarded golden retriever. Ten minutes later, Loki smirked smugly as the rubber chicken handed the huge doll over the counter in defeat.

Tony was still in a shocked stupor. There weren't enough words in his vocabulary to describe the disturbing series of dance moves that had happened a few second ago. Maybe he could goad Thor to perform again in front of Nick Fury. There was a decent chance the man would gouge out his other eyeball with a blunt spoon but his brain was still stuck on: hips, ass, shiny Barbie hair, ass, hips, ass, ass, and ass. FUCKING WIGGLING FLEXIBLE ASS. Wait that wasn't right.

"I'm strangely turned on by that. If you two ever want to do a threesome, give me a call." Clint muttered from the general direction of Tony's neck.

Thor dusted himself off and hopped off the slightly smoking dance mat. Loki allowed him to sweep in for a kiss. Thor seemed slightly puzzled why his brother wanted a replica of him when he had the real thing. Loki whispered something into his ear and Thor got a little misty-eyed.

Tony just propped Clint higher and slid a hand over his muscled ass.

"For better grip, so he wouldn't slide to the ground." tony thought out loud.

Steve looked forlornly at the item sitting in the display window. "Are you sure I can't pay you the rest tomorrow? I just don't happen to have the money right now and I really need it."

The girl behind the counter shook her head. Steve's shoulders slumped in defeat. He only had twenty dollars and the quarter he found under a park bench. The thing cost twice that much and it was the only one left in the gift shop. He wondered briefly if he should tell the girl he was Captain America. Maybe she would... no that was not decent.

"Hey, would you wrap that one for me? Yeah that." someone pointed to his item and the girl behind the counter gave him an apologetic look before taking it and putting it into a gold and red box. Steve walked forlornly out of the gift shop. Someone slapped him in the back of the head.

"Cap! What the hell? Where did you go? I thought we were supposed to be a team. In case you don't know the definition, that means we stick together..."

Steve twisted his fingers together and allowed Tony's words to wash over him. He was indeed the most useless guy in the world.

"Tasha, the bunny bit me! IT FUCKING BIT ME!"

Natasha opened her mouth. A fluffy ball of white fat rabbit sailed over Bruce's shoulder. She closed her mouth. Natasha pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number as the sound of fabric ripping and civilians screaming reached her ears.

"Stark, Bruce hulked out over bunnicula. Get your ass over here pronto."

Five: In which everyone finds out about Hulk's crush on Iron Man. Clint finally pukes. Thor freaks out over Jaw Breakers. Loki licks his plushie. Steve gets help from an unexpected source. Chaos breaks out and Super Nanny Coulson saves the day cause he's the only sane one in their nut house. Duh.