Hola amigos. Thank you so much for the reviews, I finally feel like I'm actually updating for people! c:
I like this one but I don't. It's like mixed feelings. Don't hate it, but don't love it. xD Nothing much to say, so I'll just continue with the summary and such. It sucks so bad because I just couldn't think of anything. Hate my life.
Summary: This was a snowball effect, and like most, it didn't start well and it didn't end well.
Rating: T+ for drug use! And strangers, yay!
Ficlet #6
Angel Dust
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"Help me! Kanda, Kanda, help me! Make them go away, make it stop!"
Kanda wasn't coming. He rarely came to help him anymore. Komui had a thing for sending him on mission after mission lately, leaving Allen to feel more and more alone. Then again, maybe it was better that Kanda wasn't here to see him. Allen didn't want him to see.
"Leave me alone… please, stop…" He could feel the hands crawling up his legs, poking and prodding at him.
This was only one of the minor quirks of PCP.
Allen of course had never considered himself a drug addict – because he wasn't. He could stop anytime he wanted to. He didn't need it, he just wanted it.
(denial was such a frivolous thing)
Of course, there were times when it scared him, but that was only a minor downfall. Anything that was a distraction became good enough for him – everything had its positives and its negatives. Allen understood that.
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He could remember wandering, half-unaware of his surroundings and barely registering where he was. It was late into the night, and the signs from pubs and strip clubs provided enough lighting for the whole town. Allen knew he got lost easily, but this was ridiculous. Cross was going to kill him.
"Really, this is just outrageous. I need a map." Allen stumbled blindly and cursed, peeking into alleyways in confusion as he tried to retrace his steps. Needless to say, it wasn't working. There were few people who were also wandering about, though it was past midnight, and they stared at him with raised eyebrows.
"I think that boy is drunk." He heard someone whisper obviously, before laughing and pulling their friend off in the opposite direction. "Kids these days."
Allen just shook his head and scowled. One day, Cross, I will kill you. I promise. If it wasn't for the bastard being around (or in this case, not), he wouldn't have stayed out so late trying to find a bar that wouldn't question if he walked in there. He had to make money for Cross' debts somehow, and playing poker with a bunch of stupid drunk men was an easy method.
"Hey, kid, you look a little stressed. You keep holding your head." Allen snapped up and he turned to stare at the man that had spoken to him. He looked a little mangled, and maybe a tad filthy, but it seemed as if that was as far as his bad qualities went. Still, Allen was cautious and gave him a wary look. "Have a headache?" The man questioned, and he either didn't notice or didn't care about the look that the boy was giving him.
"Yes…" Allen replied, slinking over slowly to him. He just smiled and beckoned him closer. Even if Allen never really had any parents, he knew that he wasn't supposed to trust an odd stranger in the slums of a disgusting city, but maybe he could ask him for directions. He probably knew the city a hundred times better than Allen did.
"Do ya need some aspirin? " And so, he pulled out a small capsule from his pocket, and the smile was back. Allen shook his head immediately; there was no way in hell he was going to take a random pill from a stranger. Did he think Allen was an idiot? But, seeing his reaction, the man just laughed. He knew why Allen was so reluctant. "Why do you think I would just give you drugs? If I was going to do that I would make you pay, because you definitely wouldn't get anything from me for free. Go on, you look like you need it, kid."
Allen stared, long and hard at the little tablet in the man's outstretched hand, and decided that maybe he was being sincere. Either Allen was too trusting, or the city was making him go insane. He took the pill, swallowed it dry, and managed out a quiet, "Thank you." The man just nodded.
Allen continued down the street, completely forgetting to ask the man for directions. And, maybe if he would've paid a bit more attention, he would've seen the man's smirk as he began to turn away.
Allen honestly had no idea how he made it home that night. Staggering through an unknown city, high on a random drug given to him by a seemingly kind stranger, the odds were against him. It appeared as if they always were.
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Now that Allen looked back on it, he was such an idiot to accept that pill. How could he be so stupid? Everything had gone downhill from there. Sure, the drug wore off eventually, but that didn't mean that everything was fine and dandy. It was just the opposite.
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Allen woke up, groggy and unaware of his surroundings. Where was he? Half-lidded silver eyes surveyed the room around him, and after a few moments his memory seemed to return to him. It was the hotel room that Cross was in.
Something was wrong. It wasn't the fact that Cross wasn't there – there was something wrong with him. Allen just wanted to curl up into a ball, or hide under the covers and never come out. He pulled the stiff material of the comforter up to his chin and peeked around the room. Everything was dark. Dreary. Sad. Sinister.
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Allen collapsed back on his pillow, breathing heavily. Sweat dripped down the side of his face, mixing with steadily-drying tears. Withdrawals had always been the worst of it – worse than the scariest of hallucinations, even. It was almost the same thing, every time, and yet it was terrifying because he could anticipate it. Sometimes there were things trying to grab him and take him away, and others there were strange shadows in his mirror, perpetually grinning at him with only two bright orbs for eyes.
His left arm shuddered drastically, and he realized that he hadn't eaten in at least a few days; the Innocence was weak. He doubted he'd be able to activate it, and he couldn't find it in himself to care. He just wasn't hungry.
The looming cloud of depression hovered over him, like an unwelcome friend, and, like he had those many years ago, pulled the covers up to his chin and stared vacantly at the wall. How did I get myself in this kind of mess? He thought drearily. Thoughts drifted in and out of his mind with as much solidity as water, and he was unsure of how much time had passed. At one point, he thought that he might've fallen asleep, but at the moment he was on the verge of consciousness and unconsciousness. He was walking a tightrope, and yet he still had the mind of an apprentice, so now he was just waiting for the fall.
A knock awoke him from his partial dream-like state, but he could feel his limbs become suddenly too heavy to move, so he just laid there and waited for them to go away. If they were smart, they would assume that he was sleeping and leave. Instead, the knocking continued.
Go away. He didn't have the strength to speak aloud, and Allen was sure that they didn't have any telepathic abilities, but he didn't care. The knocking stopped, and he almost sighed in relief, until the door opened.
"Allen? Here you are, we've been looking all over the place for you. You missed dinner, and so we got worried." Lenalee's voice drifted over to him like a leaf on a steady stream, and Allen just snuggled deeper into his pillow. He didn't want food. He wanted to be alone. He wanted sleep.
"Are you sick, Allen?" Lavi's voice echoed Lenalee's, and there was a cool hand on his forehead. He wanted to push it away, to say, "I'm fine," like always, but the energy to do so escaped him. I need… more. I have to get more, they're all gone. I have to get more, so that when Kanda comes home, I can welcome him. I need to be okay, for Kanda, because I don't want him to see me like this. I need–
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"What the hell are you trying to say? That he's some… crazed drug addict? You're the crazy one!"
Kanda…? Allen awoke to the heavy smell of antiseptic and nothing but white. Are you finally home, Kanda?
"As a matter of fact, yes, I am."
Silver eyes snapped open, and Allen shot up to find Lavi, Lenalee, and the Head Nurse all staring at him, all in equally different ways. Lenalee looked scared, Lavi looked like a mix between angry and worried, and the Head Nurse looked disappointed. He didn't like any of those looks, and his recently wide eyes narrowed down to silver-gray slits.
"What's going on? Why am I here?" He demanded immediately, eyeing down the three other occupants of the room. He shook the IV dangling off of his wrist in emphasis, and made a move to pull it out. The Head Nurse just sighed, whispered something to Lavi, and left. Allen turned his hard stare to the redhead. "Well?"
"Is it true?" It was Lenalee who spoke up this time, shy and hesitant, but her violet eyes were searching and insistent. They wanted answers. "About… the drugs? Why?"
Why. Why am I doing this? You know the answer to that question about as well as I do.
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Everything was like a void, eating him whole and leaving nothing behind. He wanted nothing more than to curl up and pretend he didn't exist. Or, better yet, not exist in the first place. Allen swallowed dryly, and tried to fight back a frightened sob. Images swam through his mind, shrouded in a dark cloud, and he couldn't tell whether they were figments of his imagination or if they were in fact real. If it was the latter, he didn't want to believe it.
What was happening? What had happened last night? His memory failed him, and yet, no matter how many questions he asked, Allen found that he really didn't care. He could've been beaten, or raped, or killed, but he just couldn't find it in himself to feel anything. The tears that had threatened to spill over just moments ago suddenly dried up, and he felt absolutely nothing.
Allen knew this feeling, vaguely, and he could recall a time when it made up his whole persona. Back when he was only Red, living in the circus and getting pushed around and pummeled and abused, both physically and verbally, the same black cloud shrouded him – apathy, depression. And later, anger.
There was a way to fix this, he knew, but it took him hours to finally get himself out of bed. This time, Mana wasn't here to help him. He was indecisive, but something rolled in his stomach – dark, disgusting, thick like rot and decay – and he made up his mind immediately. The only way that this would go away, that he would become normal again, was if he got more. He needed more.
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For a long moment, Allen didn't answer her. He just looked past her shoulder, to something that even he couldn't see. His eyes focused and unfocused, and Lenalee looked frustrated. He sighed deeply. "Yes, it's true, but I'm sure you know that. Why?" He laughed; hollow, so unlike the one that he had faked too many times to count, and it surprised his friends. "Because I need it," he admitted in a whisper. "Without it, everything is just… too much. This is what I need to become normal. This is what I need to get through another day."
"No you don't!" Lavi hissed, stepping closer so that he was face-to-face with Allen. He just looked back, impassive. "You can be normal without them, Allen, I know you can."
He just sneered. "How do you know? None of you have ever known me without them." No one said anything, because they knew he was right. "Can I just… see Kanda? I need him. Please. Tell Komui to stop sending him on missions, I haven't seen him in months," Allen murmured, fisting the blanket tightly in his hands. He didn't want to be here.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the looks Lenalee and Lavi gave each other, which was then directed to him. "What are you talking about?"
"Kanda! Please, I just need to see him for a minute. That's all I'm asking. I miss him, so much…"
His friends just smiled, slowly, sadly. "But, Allen… Kanda is dead."
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AW MAN. Cliffhanger. Kinda. I wanted the ending to be dramatic. By the way, I'm no drug expert or anything. And yes, I know that Allen probably wouldn't accept something from a random stranger or go back to it or do drugs in the first place, but this is an AU. So I can do WHATEVER I WANT :D Review, loves!
P.S. Angel Dust is another name for PCP. I did some research ;D