Four months later...
Hermione felt like a complete outcast as she apparated in front of the Burrow. There were two people, two Weasleys, inside that house that she had wronged. Of course, she really shouldn't have run away. The only thing drawing her back this time though was her promise to Ginny, she could at least keep that. She took a deep breath, consoling herself that at least Molly Weasley didn't know about... whatever had passed between her and Ginny. Maybe things would even be better this time?
Hermione pushed open the gate and walked through the yard, heading for the door. She hesitated again before the door, but quickly knocked once and pushed open the door. Immediately, she was assaulted with warmth and delicious smells, and she felt almost immediately better.
"Hey Hermione," Bill Weasley said with an easy smile, appearing to greet the arrival. Molly was in the kitchen with Ginny Hermione noted, as Bill turned his attention back to the pie crusts. She could hear Ron and Harry's voices in the living and her stomach tightened. How had she managed to come so close to ruining all of her closest relationships?
She had dumped one of them, and potentially broken up the marriage of the other. She hadn't been in contact with anyone in the four months she was away, not Harry, not Ginny, not Ron...
"Hermione!" Ginny said with a squeal and suddenly Hermione's arms were full with the forceful hug that Ginny wrapped her in.
She returned the hug, trying not to read into anything, and then pulled away to look at Ginny. Their eyes met and Hermione knew immediately that the time apart had not changed the chemistry between the two of them. Hermione held her breath trying not to let Ginny break her composure in those few seconds before Ginny turned her head aside.
"'Mione's here!" she yelled back into the living room. Hermione shook off the feeling that Ginny had been searching for something when she'd met her gaze.
Hermione moved through the kitchen to meet Harry and Ron's hugs. Harry's quick and tight, Ron's a quick touch and a step back. Would Harry be here if he and Ginny had broken up? Hermione wasn't sure. She glanced back- but Ginny had returned to the kitchen.
"Hey Hermione," Harry said with a smile. Did it look a little sad?
Behind the boys the chess set was out; they were clearly midway through a game. And that little image, suddenly made her feel like crying. It was like old times, back when they were still in school, back before Harry had married Ginny and she and Ron had broken up.
"Who's winning?" Hermione asked, looking at Ron.
The boy- well young man, now, look sheepish and ran a hand through his ear length red hair, "Harry, actually. He's been practicing, I guess."
Harry looked inordinately smug, and Hermione gave him a smile. She sat down on the sofa beside Ron and watched as they resumed their game. It was frequently interrupted- by Charlie, coming to give Ron advice- by Percy, bugging Ron to start setting the tables for Christmas dinner- by Molly, coming over to shove Christmas cookies in everyone's hands- by Arthur, blatantly ignoring the game and trying to engage Harry and Ron in conversation about whether or not any of the Aurors would be interested in investigating the use of muggle weapons-
George was the first to address her personally, inquiring about her thoughts a few of his new joke shop inventions that he couldn't get Ron to pay attention to while engaged in a game. And with that she too was pulled in the dynamic Weasley family; eventually Molly recruited both her and George into the kitchen where it took all of Hermione's attention to avoid brushing against Ginny's arm, her hip, her fingers as they passed food across to one another.
Hermione watched, at dinner, as Arthur and Molly pointed everyone to their seats. She felt an odd prickle on the back of her neck as Harry was seated on the opposite end of the table from Ginny, and that their eyes just barely didn't meet. Molly placed her right next to Harry, and she suddenly realized, looking at him pick up his napkin and adjust his fork and knife, that she hadn't even thought to see if he was still wearing a wedding ring. His left hand came up again, picking up his glass so that Charlie could fill it with butterbeer. The hand was empty. Maybe she was just so used to not seeing it that its absence hadn't seemed odd.
Maybe he wasn't wearing it because it needed polishing, or something. She looked over at Ginny, but the younger girl had her hands under the table.
A lump formed in her stomach as she thought of the two of them separated, or divorced, because she couldn't deny that she may have played a part. Ginny seemed well, though, and happy, and so did Harry, though perhaps less so than Ginny.
But I didn't actually do anything, Hermione's thoughts protested, I even actively avoided taking chances to kiss her...
OOO
When Ginny heard Bill's voice greet Hermione it was all she could do to not immediately run to the other girl, instead she made herself wait a moment, let Hermione step inside and look around before the bubble of joy welled up inside of her and sent her over to tightly embrace the other girl. Even though it'd only been four months this time it felt like another year had past. Her happiness overpowered the anger she'd previously felt at Hermione for running away and she'd stepped back to examine Hermione's face, forcing herself to drop her arms to her sides and not hold on to the other girl's hands. Now that she'd left Harry, was there any chance at finding something more with Hermione? She couldn't tell, not just through Hermione's face, anyway.
She bit her lip and turned her head to announce to Harry and Ron that Hermione was here and let Hermione be towed into the living room, away from the girl that Hermione had somehow completely enchanted, perhaps re-enchanted, ever since that moment when her own soft brown eyes had seen Hermione's bright ones on the day of her wedding to Harry.
Harry...
It hadn't been easy, leaving him, but at least the two of them had managed to do it with the least amount of drama and anger. Afterwards they'd ended up in each other's arms, crying at the loss of a dream they'd both shared but failed to turn into reality.
When Hermione had disappeared again Ginny had attempted to throw herself back into her work but her promise to talk to Harry kept digging at her, and eventually it was Harry who brought it up first, one week later.
"Gin, we need to talk," he said when she'd come downstairs drawn by the smell of home cooked breakfast. He'd put down a plate with bacon and eggs and let her finish eating before pouring her and himself a cup of coffee and sitting down across from her.
"What's going on?" he asked then faltered, "No, I shouldn't put all the pressure on you like that. Things have changed between us."
"Yes," Ginny agreed, her voice a whisper, her heart pounding, then, "Except, I think that it's always been this way. You're a good person, Harry. My best friend."
Harry nodded and looked down, aware of the implications of her words, "You're mine too 'Gin. I love you. I thought that you loved me too."
Ginny felt her head shaking slowly, "I... don't really know anymore."
Harry heaved a huge sigh and she looked over at him, and immediately felt terrible to see the tears glistening in his eyes. She wanted to go over and comfort him, but somehow that seem hypocritical to do while having this conversation.
"Don't know?" Harry pressed a moment later, clearing working at holding back his grief.
"I mean... I do love you Harry, of course I do, but I'm not- maybe I'm just not in love with you," Ginny tried to explain.
"What's the difference?" Harry asked, raising his voice a little.
Ginny stared at him helplessly for a moment and then said, "I love a lot of people in this world, Harry, but I'm not in love with most of them."
"Any of them?" Harry asked, his eyes flashing for a moment, but then he shook his head, "Wait, I don't want to know that right now."
"But you see that there's a difference," Ginny said.
Harry nodded, frowned, then said, "Was it getting married? Did we do it too soon?"
Ginny shook her head, feeling even worse, and said, "I don't think I've ever really been in love with you... I think... I mean you were my first crush... and I think I confused that with love for a long time... Then when I got to really know you... we just... we are best friends, Harry, that's real."
"Except that I don't love you like a friend, Gin," Harry said softly
"Do you know that?" Ginny asked back.
"Hey don't try and make this two sided," Harry said, "I love you. I meant it when I asked you to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together."
He paused, then asked, "Is that gone? Is there any chance of... you really loving me?"
Ginny bit her lip, feeling the tears burn up in her eyes as she said, "No... I don't think so, Harry."
They went on like that for almost two hours until not even Ginny was sure of what she felt. Sure of what the difference between loving a friend and loving someone more was. Of how to tell if there was such as thing as staying in love or if they had what most could only hope for, a friendship between two people who were comfortable sharing their bodies with each other. Or was there something missing in their relationship? Maybe Harry only didn't know because Ginny was the first real relationship he'd ever had, maybe Ginny was only doubting in their relationship because of her unmentionable attraction to Hermione Granger, which also would fade into a quiet friendship given time. Given that she never acknowledged it anymore than she already had.
Her head spinning she finally left for quidditch practice, letting herself work herself into a state of numbness where all the ambivalence fading into nothing, until she felt nothing. It was late when she came back to their house again.
Harry was already curled up in bed and she slid in next to him, pausing to look at his peaceful face.
"I love you," she whispered, letting the tears trickle down her cheeks.
His eyes flickered open, full of sorrow and he eased himself into a sitting position in the darkness of the room, lit with the soft pale glow of the moonlight.
"I want to give you everything I have Harry, and I promise that I will always be there for you. But I can't give you all of myself, not now, not if I haven't already," Ginny breathed. Harry took his time responding.
"Maybe that's my fault," Harry admitted and was silent for a moment before breathing, "I've been thinking, my head's been going in circles all day and it always goes back to how I tried to protect you by leaving you when we first got together, how I took back my love for you in order to keep you safe. But maybe I was just fooling myself- it was me all along that I was trying to protect. Trying to protect my own heart from ever having to break, I never gave you a chance did I Ginny? I ruined it all those years ago... I never gave you everything either..."
"Maybe," Ginny said- she'd never thought about it that way.
"I guess this means we're over, then," Harry said.
"Yeah," she said, laying down in her Quidditch robes, "I guess."
"I think..." Harry said, his voice still weak from crying, "I think if we're going to be over we should really be over. This kind of confusion... I think maybe it's better to cut it off rather than let it fester. So let's... let's not look back, okay? I don't want you to come back a few weeks from now crying that you really are in love with me because I'll probably believe you- but what if you change your mind again? I couldn't handle that. If this is it, then it's really done. And maybe if this was the real thing... and we find out later that all relationships eventually settle down into this... Well..."
He choked up again, and Ginny finished.
"Then that's life and we've learned," she whispered, "but I think that the same way you can only feel true happiness is to have first experienced true misery. To truly love someone you have to first let your heart be broken... I'll also value what we have Harry, friends forever?"
"Yes," Harry whispered letting the tears flow freely again and Ginny wrapped her arms around him, curled up with his back to her as she buried her face against him, letting his shirt absorb her own sorrow.
The next morning Ginny felt miserable. She felt like she was making the worst mistake of her life, and as they ate breakfast silently together, all she wanted to do was hold him tight and kiss him and tell him that she would never let him go and that she really was in love with him. But she didn't. Harry helped her pack up her things, and within a few hours she was walking out of the house, giving Harry a last hug and kiss on the cheek, and Apparating to PERSON ON TEAM!'s house.
By the end of the month she and Harry were speaking again and things were almost normal. And her last doubts about her decision slowly disappeared as she found it easier to enjoy Harry's company without the pressure of having to give him special attention. It was that pressure in the end that had kept her late at work, kept her away from that little house that truly had been binding her in.
These feelings helped her beat back the ache inside her that missed Harry every night that she spent alone, made her realize that the ache was loneliness- it wasn't a sign that she was really in love with Harry. If you love someone when you don't have them, and don't want them when you do, then it's not love.
But also made her start to value the times they were together, they started out just getting coffee, with Ron included until things relaxed enough between her and Harry that she could hug him without worrying that she was implying they should get back together. Harry seemed to go through the same thing and finally they'd gone over to Hogsmeade for an afternoon just the two of them and agreed to not be awkward with each other and that they could hug each other anytime they wanted without feeling uncomfortable.
By the time fall had passed and the leaves had well settled into the ground she had moved into a house with two of her other teammates in a wizarding village near SOMEWHERE. By the time Thanksgiving crept by she found herself feeling well and truly relaxed and content for the first time in years. But someone was still missing.
OOO
This was all going through Ginny's mind as she watched Hermione at the table at dinner, talking to Harry. The back of her neck tingled every time she felt Hermione's glance over at her. Little bubbles of joy and anxiety alternatively rose up in her, these feelings that she'd almost managed to shove away when Hermione left that so forcefully reasserted themselves with a passion know that the real Hermione was back again. Dinner couldn't be over fast enough, though Ginny tried to make herself really pay attention and enjoy the celebration with her family. She did managed to not think about Hermione for a few minutes when George made the Christmas pudding explode into feathers which settled on everyone's plates and then returned back to pudding in soft feather shaped globs, evenly divided between the family members.
But it was later that evening, as everyone had settled down in the living room, that Ginny pulled out the journal. She didn't know if Hermione had hers on her, but she knew that Hermione would recognize her copy, at least.
Harry and I are separated, if you haven't guessed that already. She wrote and looked up to see Hermione watching her. She gave Hermione a pointed look.
Hermione paused then gave a bemused smile, the same smile she'd given Ginny that time they'd kissed in their earlier years at Hogwarts. Ginny watched as she stood up and left the living room. She reappeared with her own journal in hand. Ginny watched as she sat down and opened it, then held her breath dizzily, feeling shaky and nervously happy as Hermione started writing in a reply.
I suspected... should I apologize?
Apologize? Ginny was momentarily confused then her heart leapt as she realized it might mean that Hermione recognized that there had been something between them, and felt this had caused the rift between her and Harry. That might be the closest thing to an acknowledgement of what they had between them that Ginny would ever get.
No, don't. she let her quill blot on the page as she tried to figure out what to say next.
It's isn't your fault, of course. I realized that I wasn't really in love with him, Ginny wrote, afraid to say more.
So it wasn't anything that I did?
Ginny froze, and risked a glance over at Hermione, but the woman was staring resolutely at the journal.
Hermione, this- ever since you got back from being gone for a year, ever since I met your eyes when you showed up at my wedding, it's like, I'm standing on the edge.
Hermione's quill writing suddenly jaggedly interrupted Ginny's own.
Tell me this in person. I'm sick of these journals, this passive communication. I don't want to play games.
Ginny saw Hermione start to shut the journal and scrawled hurriedly, Wait, it's not a game, I can do this! I just need to talk to you.
So talk to me, Hermione scribbled back, her handwriting hurried and different from her usual neat script, talk written in larger letters.
I want to kiss you, Ginny added, not sure what that meant in terms of Hermione's feelings.
So KISS ME!
Ginny looked up as Hermione slammed shut the journal and dropped her quill. Their eyes met, and Hermione raised an eyebrow. Ginny swallowed, her mouth dry, her stomach queasy. She'd never felt less capable of kissing someone.
She felt almost felt nauseous when Hermione stood up casually and walked through the kitchen and outside, just as nonchalantly as if she'd only just thought to go get a breath of fresh air.
OOO
Hermione shivered as she stepped out into a gust of cold, snowy air. Maybe outside wasn't the best idea... but it was the only place she could be sure of getting alone with Ginny. Her fingers were shaking too- but they'd been shaking ever since she started writing back in the journal to Ginny- ever since she'd seen those words written on the page. I want to kiss you. She'd broken up with Harry- she still wanted to kiss her...
She heard Ginny's quiet footsteps behind her and turned around to say something, in hindsight she would never remember what exactly it was she was planning on saying, but when she saw Ginny, her brown eyes curious and uncertain, her cheeks red from being by the fire, the snowflakes just starting to settle in her hair and it was impossible not to kiss her.
Hermione didn't even try to stop herself from moving towards the girl and pushing her back against the side of the house, cupping her face in her hands, to force her lips against Ginny's the way she'd wanted to for so long now. She didn't think she could feel any more desire until she felt Ginny's hands tighten on her sides, fingernails digging in through her sweater, felt Ginny pushing herself back against Hermione, her breathing ragged.
"Oh Merlin," Hermione said, kissing Ginny's neck, then, "What happened to talking?"
"No talking," Ginny whispered hoarsely, "I changed my mind."
And then Ginny's soft lips were on hers again and Hermione felt like she was about to drown, it seemed impossible that this could go on, that her body could hold such electricity, such emotions, without being swamped. If Ginny's arms hadn't been around her, holding her so tightly she was sure he knees would have given out.
There was a creak as the door started to open and they leapt away from each other awkwardly. George poked his head out and said, "Hey- we're thinking of all doing firecrackers together, if you want to come back inside?"
"Yes!" Hermione said, her voice a little high, "We'll be right there."
George shut the door again and Hermione and Ginny looked at each other, feeling even colder where their bodies had too recently been pressed together. Ginny closed the gap again, wrapping her arms around Hermione's waist and looking into her eyes.
"So... I suppose we have to go back inside," Ginny whispered, marveling that Hermione was letting her be this close.
"Oh!" Hermione said, "Er- right. Yes."
Ginny was amused to see that Hermione looked completely uncomposed, looking like she hadn't quite heard what Ginny said.
"So I wasn't just imagining things then?" Ginny mused in Hermione's ear, her soft breath sending shivers up and down Hermione's body.
"Imagining what?" Hermione asked, then turned her head and caught Ginny's lips again for a long kiss, "This?"
"Mmm... yes, you were so composed, like you had no idea, the effect you could have me," Ginny told her in a staggered, interrupted, fashion because Hermione had tilted her head to kiss her teasingly on the neck, causing Ginny to repeatedly lose her train of thought.
Hermione kissed her again passionately and murmured, "You're damn lucky I didn't about rape you in the toolshed."
Thinking back to those moments in combination with Hermione's gentle kisses now was just about enough to drive Ginny crazy and she tightened her fingers around Hermione's hips again letting her thumbs push against the line of Hermione's hip bones, letting them trail down...
Hermione rewarded Ginny's touches with a light gasp and then kissed her again more forcefully, nipping gently at Ginny's lower lip before gently stepping back.
"I do remember being invited inside for firecrackers," Hermione told Ginny.
"Firecrackers, I don't think I'm going to be able to think straight for days," Ginny admitted, "It's probably not safe to put one of those in my hands."
"I'll make sure you don't hurt yourself," Hermione assured her, "I have a vested interest to make sure you stay in one piece."
Those words sent another delightful shiver down Ginny's back and the two of them, with great self-control, forced themselves to step back inside to the warm firelit glow.
A/N: Ahh I feel like its been forever since I last updated. Maybe it's only been a week? I'm not sure, been very busy lately and that makes time slow down. Only one more chapter after this one!